MikeL

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me Ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' the man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Seniors' Bar

Is the number 3 significant?

I appreciate thebrinkoftime's comments about Facebook. I, too, am a former user of Facebook. I found it demanding and intrusive...always wanting information from me that is none of their business and clearly sharing information where it didn't need to be. I have real friends with whom I share my life. I'm satisfied with that. If GA links with other social media and that meets the needs of GA members...great! I will opt out. If I am required to sign in to GA through Facebook or to like something in order to have access, I'll take a pass. If GA can use social media to expand its reach or enhance the experience of members, then I am in favor even if reluctant.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Spend some time in chat. https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/chat/

Yes, it is! Rochus Misch, Hitler’s wartime bodyguard, who was widely described as the last living witness to the Führer’s final days in his underground bunker as the Soviet Army closed in on Berlin, died in that city on Thursday, September 5. He was 96.

Vince Gill took exception to Westboro Baptist Church members picketing his recent Kansas City concert: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=AvJQo_6tW3c Country singer Vince Gill, due to the fact that he is divorced and remarried, was the target of Westboro Baptist Church protestors on Sunday at his concert at the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts in Kansas City, Mo. The confrontation was captured on video and uploaded to YouTube (by a user who claims to be against the WBC) and begins with a protestor asking, "Vince Gill, what in the world are you doing out here?" Gill answers simply: "I just came to see what hate looked like." When asked by the woman "What are you doing with another man's wife? Don't you know that divorce plus remarriage equals adultery?" America's newest hero fires back: "Don't you know you fuckers are lucky that you don't have a sign that says something about my wife?" Gill also lets the protestors know they're lacking in grace and, then turning toward another protestor, says, while laughing: "I've seen you on TV, man. You're a big dipshit." The glorious video ends with Gill asking, "Are any of you guys Phelpses? Or are you guys like the C-team?" A spokesperson for Gill told CMT on Monday that he has "no plans" to comment on the encounter. The next musical artists targeted by the WBC will be Mumford & Sons on September 20 in Bonner Springs, Kansas.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that @&%*!+ gun...'"

Yes, he did.

Yes.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Who is this?

Francisco Solano López?

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Does anyone feel sorry for the Yankees? The past three games, they have scored eight or nine runs...and lost all three games. How about those Red Sox? September 5, 2013 R H E BOS 9 16 0 NYY 8 10 1 September 6, 2013 R H E BOS 12 15 0 NYY 8 7 0 September 7, 2013 R H E BOS 13 14 0 NYY 9 12 0

As much money as the NCAA, the SEC, and Texas A&M make on Johnny Football, they are standing on shaky ground when they suspend or bench him. That said, I don't think he should be selling his autograph. A little jawing back and forth between players on two teams is not a big thing. Taken to excess, it deserves an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Two things need to happen: (1) Johnny Manziel needs to grow up and (2) the coach needs to get him under control if he expects to have any control over the rest of the team. One thing did surprise me after last week's game. Manziel was escorted off the field by three police officers. That seems a bit excessive...on a par with Nick Sabin. Is Manziel's autograph really worth that much?

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?... SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Happy Birthday, Robert!

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT From an airline Captain with close to three decades in the airline industry. He says "I never really understood how airline ticket pricing worked until I read this analogy. Please share this with some of your airline pilot and frequent flyer friends. Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in 21 days, or about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding! Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. If you change any colors there is a $50.00 change fee, even if it is the same brand. Also, no refunds. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $12 a gallon", signs? Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $6 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: Yes, and we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with United!

You don't? What other things?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

TV producers adopt stereotypes for their main characters for fear the stupid audience will not understand. The producers may never have met a straight acting gay.

What's the new avatar? A yellow football? Photo looks older than Pinochet...maybe 19th century.

Perhaps he should get the salesman of the year award. Tit for tat...