I can say I've been depressed for a very long time. I've been told depression can come and go, but for me it's been there for as long as I can remember. There are some periods there where it isn't as bad though.
I've tried medication, and I haven't found one yet that doesn't have an adverse effect on me, so I quit taking it.
There was a time though when it was bad and it made me very unstable. Usually for me though that lack of stability always occured when I was by myself.
These days I'm by myself quite frequently and the episodes, well I haven't had one in a good long while.
I definately don't think it's my fault, and it's something I try not to let effect other people. Since I've had it for so long I've grown the ability to ignore it when I'm with people, I've developed a fair amount of self control and pretty much keep it in check.
Inside me it's a torrent though. Like a billowing storm that has no end. I can close my eyes and see a bubble surrounding it, keeping the storm contained. How I'm not sure anymore.
There are days when it feels like the bubble may come down, I can feel it stretch, and weaken just a little bit but for the most part, it hasn't popped.
Like most people who have depression, mine is most likely caused by a serious of unfortunate events that someone mentioned before, is simply the sub concious can not get over. I can relate to that, as these 'events' are numberous and never seem to stop. It does have it's adverse effects, it makes me anti social, quiet and reserved.
I've seen how bad life can get, I've been at the bottom many times. Those experiances however have shaped how I handle other people. Since I know how bad it can really be, I'm not really an angry person if some minor to moderate inconveniance caused by someone else occures. Knowing how bad it can really get gave me the ability not to only sympathise or empathise with others, but it gave my heart the ability to be genuine with people. To really care.
Really the only people who get it are customers at work, since outside of work I rarely want anything to do with anyone.
It's crazy sometimes because in ways I'm surrounded by people yet feel so lonely, yet its all I know how to be.
Depression makes me lack ambition, it makes me choose not to care about whats outside my immediate bubble unless I'm drawn to it because someone, somewhere needs some kind of support because they too are hurting.
For me it has had its ups and downs, but I wouldn't be me without it. I'm not suicidal, nor am I up in everyones face. I don't express my saddness to the world because I do not feel the need for pity, nor for people feeling sorry for me because I don't feel sorry for myself.
Really, I'm a very sensitive and emotional person. Sometimes it feels like I feel certain things a bit harder and more in depth then most people. But I treat life as simply a ride for my soul, for my essense, or whatever spark that's in each of us that makes us 'alive.' I learn what I can, do what I can on my own time, and simply wait it out till the end.