Enigma - 13. Chapter 13 - Ghosts from the Past

When the doctor leaves I linger in the hallway, strangely reluctant to face Silver. My mind is reeling with everything that has happened. Gods, only a matter of hours ago I was calm, positive, even happy... and now...

I sigh and walk into the living room. Silver is sitting on the sofa watching television. He does not look up when I enter. I sigh again, inwardly.

“The doctor’s pleased with your progress. He says you can start going out. I thought we might start of with a trip to the art shop tomorrow. You can pick out your own materials.”

There is no answer. “So this is the way it’s going to be is it? I though you were better than that.”

“What?”

“Ah... so you are speaking to me.”

Silver hasn’t looked up but I can imagine the scowl on his face, it comes out in his voice.

“Why wouldn’t I be speaking to you?”

“Because you are being incredibly childish.”

Now he looks up. Yep... there’s that scowl.

“I am being childish? In what way?”

“You are pouting because you didn’t get what you wanted.”

“I...” He stops and subsides, still scowling. I smile at the back of his head and go into the kitchen to make a coffee. When I come back I sit in the chair and pretend to watch the film. Silver is silent for a long while and then he says softly.

“I moved the painting.”

“What?”

“I moved the painting, put it behind the bed, so he wouldn’t see it.”

“Ah. I wondered why he didn’t mention it.”

There was another long, drawn out silence. “I’m sorry River.”

I look at him and his face is sad but resolute. “Forget it.”

“I can’t.” The words are so soft I can barely hear them. “I... I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I... I know I did it wrong. I... I’m not used to... to... I screwed it up and I’m sorry.”

“Silver...”

“I’m not finished.” The tone of his voice is commanding and I close my mouth with a snap, shocked. I have never seen him this confident, this directive. “I’m sorry about the way I did it... but I’m not sorry for what I did. I understand that... I understand everything you said to me. You are wrong about me, about what I want, what I need, how I am... but I understand about the position you are in. I won’t make things hard for you. I won’t... do... anything but... please... please don’t treat me like a child, don’t mock what I feel.”

He takes a deep breath and looks me straight in the eyes with a look on his face that makes me shiver. “I know that you have feelings for me. I know the way men look. I know when it’s lust, I know when it’s desire and I know when it’s... something different. I know how you feel about me and I know how I feel about you... so do me the courtesy of not trying to make me feel like a fool.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through, the things I’ve seen. Some of it has... some of it I’m not ready to face, not ready to talk about, but it taught me a lot. I feel stronger now, not so afraid. I’m not clinging to you because I’m afraid, because I have no one else or any of that crap that I know is going through your mind.”

“Silver I...”

“No River! Listen to me!”

“I don’t think I should.” I am feeling decidedly uneasy and profoundly uncomfortable. I have never heard Silver speak like this. He seems to have suddenly gone from the wounded little boy to the strong and confident man. He is in control and that scares me.

“I don’t think you have a choice because I am not going to stop until you do. You can shut me up now, maybe, walk away from me but I’ll keep saying it until you listen... tonight... tomorrow... forever.”

“Alright... alright I’ll listen.”

“I care about you River. It isn’t because you’re the only person in my life right now. I’m used to being alone. I’ve never wanted or needed anyone else in my life. That’s why I fought so hard for so long. It isn’t because I’m afraid and I need a friend, although that’s true. It isn’t even because it’s what I know, what I have been conditioned for.

“I care for you because you are kind and funny, because you care about what you are doing, because you see the world through the same eyes as me. You’re interesting to talk to and fun to be with. You make great chilli and okay coffee and...” He pauses, his voice becoming soft and hesitant. In that moment I want to reach for him but I don’t. Fear and horror are coursing through me but there is a part of me, a major part of me that soars.

“I love the way your hair curls at the ends, the way your eyes sparkle and crinkle up when you smile. I love the sound of your voice and the touch of your hand. I love the way you look at the world, your sense of humour, your morals. I even love your name. River... don’t ever doubt that. It has nothing to do with what happened to me, what I’ve been through, or what you’ve done for me since. Don’t insult me by telling me this isn’t real.”

“Silver I... I won’t insult you. I would never... insult you but...”

“I know. I didn’t... think. I knew how I felt... and I knew how you felt and I thought... I was naive. I know that now. It’s not as simple as I thought... as I wanted it to be and I won’t... I won’t make it difficult for you. I want it to go back to the way it was. I want to be friends again. I won’t... not now. But I won’t give up either. One day I will be well and you won’t be my carer any more... and then... and then...”

I smile, feeling warm. “And then it will be a whole new day Silver.” He smiles back. “Now... do you want a hot chocolate?”

“Yeah... thanks.”

We spend a companionable evening together, even though the unsaid lingers like a cold mist between us and we both retire early, exhausted by it. I lie awake for a long time thinking about what Silver said and about whether I can really go on with this after it. Can I really continue to be his carer when I know that every time he looks at me he sees more than that? Is it fair on him? Is it fair on me? I go round and round in circles until an uneasy sleep claims me.

In the middle of the night I wake in darkness, my heart hammering. Did I dream? I sit up and snap on the light, feeling shaky and disoriented.

“River... River are you awake?” I hear the tapping on the door and my heart sinks.

“Go back to bed Silver.”

“P... please River... please I need you.”

“Silver... I don’t think this would be a good idea. Go back to bed and we’ll talk in the morning.”

“No please... please don’t send me away. I... I’m sorry... I’m so sorry I fucked up... I always fuck up... always. I... I won’t do it again. Please don’t punish me... not now. Please... I need you.”

He is begging me, his voice full of tears and suddenly I am scared... not of him but for him. I hear a strange noise from outside the door, like cloth sliding over something and then a soft thud. I take the floor in two strides and wrench open the door. Silver has slid to the floor and is sitting with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up, rocking, his whole body shaking with silent tears.

I kneel down and reach out my hand to touch his arm. “Silver, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“I had a dream.” He says simply, the words forced out through the sobs.

The thought flashes through my mind that that he is faking, pretending to be upset to lure me into his bed again but the arm under my hand is trembling so much I don’t see how this could be anything less than genuine.

With an inner sigh I move to sit next to him and pull him into my arms. He clings to me like a child, sobbing dry, wracking sobs and shaking so much I get worried.

“Silver... Silver come on; it’s alright. I’m here. You’re alright now. Calm down or you will make yourself ill. Come on let’s get you warm, you’re shivering.”

I pull gently out of his arms and get to my feet, hauling him up with me. He seems dazed, exhausted by the emotions that had ripped through him. Still hiccupping he follows me obediently into his room and lets me tuck him into bed. He is still shivering and I sit beside him and stroke his hair trying to calm him. He lies very still, staring at the ceiling.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask gently and he doesn’t answer. I keep stroking his hair.

“I had a family once.” He says after a while, still staring unblinkingly at the ceiling. I keep stroking. “I had parents, a mother and a father. They were proud of me. I was happy.”

“What happened? What changed that?”

“The men came. They came from nowhere. I was walking alone, and there was a car, a huge black car and two men. They grabbed me and threw me in the car and I think they must have drugged me because the next thing I knew I was waking up in darkness with my hands tied and a hood over my face. I screamed and cried and shouted but no one came. They left me until I was almost dead from starvation and thirst and then He came. After that...” He shudders.

“All this time I have never once thought about ‘before’, about that moment, the car and the men. In the beginning I was starved and drugged and beaten. I didn’t know where I was and had no thought about where I came from... and after that I was in too deep to care. I have never thought about it, never once... until now.”

“Is that what scared you?”

He rolls over onto his side and stares up at me, the light through the open door reflecting off his eyes and turning them into pool of quicksilver.

“I... maybe it’s foolish but... It made me so afraid that... that now I... now I am starting to feel safe again... something will come; maybe not men in a big black car but something... to take it all away from me again.”

“Nothing is going to take it away from you Silver. I promised that you would be safe and you are. No one is going to hurt you again, not like that... not at all.”

“No one?” He asks softly and I have to close my eyes not to see the look in his.

“Silver... don’t.”

“I... can’t help it. I was so afraid River... so... Everything was so clear, so present... the fear I felt in that moment, when I was grabbed and I was helpless... I was so helpless. I was just a child, a kid... I don’t know twelve or thirteen... and I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared I think I wet myself... and suddenly it was all here again... the fear, the helplessness, the confusion. But then... then I thought of you... I knew you were here, close by and I thought, I thought that if only I could feel your arms around me it would make it all go away... and it did.”

“You don’t need me to make you feel strong Silver. You can do that by yourself. I told you I am here for you and I am, I always will be but you have to face these fears yourself. You are not that little boy any more... you have been through so much, you are a man now.

“Someone once told me that the soul is like the blade of a sword. At first it is nothing more than a block of useless metal, filled with impurities. Then it is thrust into the fire and has the crap hit out of it with a hammer. The more times it is thrust into the fire, the more times it is beaten, the stronger it gets. The best swords, the ones that shine the brightest, the ones that hold the sharpest edge... they are the ones who have been beaten the hardest. You are a strong and sharp sword Silver, you can cut through anything that gets in your way.”

“I don’t want to be a sword River.” He sounds so weary now, so sad. “I don’t want to be strong and brave... I want to be that little boy again. I want to feel my mother’s arms around me and go play football in the park with my dad and my friends. I don’t want to have to face what happened to me, what it made me. I don’t want to have to go out into the world as an adult, doing the things that adults do. I want to be a child, to be taken care of and told what to do and cherished. I want to be weak and fall apart and just be held.”

He sighs deeply and closes his eyes. I stroke his cheek and he opens them again. “You don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to be a man every minute of the day. You can fall apart and be held and be that child whenever you want and those who love you will hold you and pick you up and set you on your feet to start again.”

“I don’t have anyone who loves me.”

“You will. And until then you have me. Now go to sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

“Until you are asleep.” This time he knows there is no compromise and, after looking into my eyes for a while he sighs and closes his own. I sit and stroke him until his breathing deepens and he relaxes. Only then will I allow myself to relax too.

I sit for a long time watching him sleep. He is truly beautiful and my heart aches for him, and for myself because there is nothing I want more than to hold him, to take him to my heart, to love him... but everything he said here tonight underlines the reasons why I can’t.

We are both tired in the morning and sleep late. By the time Silver gets out of bed it is almost lunch time and I have not been up for very long myself. He looks awful, with dark circles under his eyes and a face so pale the skin is almost translucent. I am aware that I look little better myself.

Silver is silent as I make sandwiches and pour coffee and then sits morosely staring into his cup and picking at the bread.

“You need to eat Silver. You haven’t had breakfast and it’s a long time until dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.” He murmurs not looking at me.

“Well... I was thinking about taking you to the art shop this afternoon but you are not setting foot outside the door unless you eat all your sandwiches.”

“Don’t treat me like a child.” He snaps.

“Isn’t that what you wanted? Last night you said...”

“Last night I was... scared. I had a bad dream and it brought a lot of things back to me. I was talking crap. I’m alright now.”

“Fair enough. I’m still not taking you out if you don’t eat some lunch though.”

“Alright... you win.” He nibbles at the sandwiches and sighs deeply. I ignore him and get on with eating mine. When I am done I take the last half sandwich that Silver is flicking about on his plate and dump it in the bin.

“Okay, that’s enough. Go take a quick shower while I wash the dishes and I’ll take you in the car. Don’t be long.”

I expect him to be excited, or at least pleased but he just looks at me with dull eyes and drags himself out of the chair and up the stairs.

Ronya is not in today because it is a Saturday so I go into the office and take money out of the cash tin leaving a note to say what I have taken and what it’s for. By the time I have done that Silver is at the bottom of the stairs, his damp hair caught in a band.

“That was quick.”

“That’s what you said.”

“Can’t argue with that. Get your coat.”

Silver looks nervous as we step outside and I lock the door. He glances around with darting eyes, his face even paler, if that is possible. I put a hand on his arm and he jumps.

“It’s alright Silver. You are not twelve years old, you are not alone, and nothing is going to happen to you today.” He gives me a shaky smile and nods.

It is only a short car journey to the art shop and Silver spends it with his eyes closed. I know he is not asleep and that he is doing it to avoid having to talk and so I respect his wish and remain silent, turning on the CD player so that the silence is not too heavy.

In the shop Silver wakes up and becomes truly animated again. He runs his hands lovingly over the paints and brushes and wanders the aisles with a dreamy look on his face. When I tell him that he can buy more supplies, anything he wants, he gives me a quick, fierce hug and grabs handfuls of seemingly unconnected items which come to a surprisingly small amount of money.

On the way back to the car Silver chats animatedly about the things he has bought and what he is going to do with them. The street is quite busy but he really doesn’t seem to notice all the people. His nervousness is gone and it is beautiful to see.

We are almost back to the car when a woman laden down with shopping bags and not looking where she is going, walks straight into him and, after a first moment of absolutely frozen terror Silver unfreezes and drops to his knees helping the woman collect her scattered shopping. The woman is profuse with her apologies but when Silver turns his 100 watt smile on her she gets a ‘deer in the headlights’ look and wanders off, stunned with a smile on her face, glancing back once over her shoulder.

“She should stop doing that.” Silver comments mildly. “She’s going to do it again.”

Smiling we get back to the car and store the art supplies in the boot. “Do we have to go straight back to the house?” Silver asks as we buckle our belts.

“No. Why? Is there somewhere you want to go?”

“Not particularly. It’s just... the sun is warm and it feels good to be outside. Could we just drive for a while... or walk somewhere quiet?”

“How do you feel about going to the sea? It isn’t far.”

For a moment his eyes light up but then he looks doubtful. “Won’t there be a lot of people there? It’s hot and sunny.”

“On the beach, yes, but there is a cliff path where we can park the car and walk a little across the cliffs. It’s always quiet there. We can look down at the people on the beach and out at the sea and there is usually an ice cream man in the car park.”

Silver’s eyes go wide and he smiles. “That sounds great.” Then he turns wistful. “I can’t remember the sea. It’s been so long.”

There are more cars than I expected in the car park but there don’t seem to be that many people around. I buy Silver an ice cream and we walk in silence deep in our own thoughts. After a time we come to a place where the path widens and there is a seat. I sit on it to finish my ice cream and watch Silver stare at the sea.

For the first time since I laid eyes on him I see Silver completely at his ease, completely free. From my vantage point, looking up at him with the sea behind him and a light breeze lifting his hair it almost seems as if he could spread out his arms, jump off the cliff and soar. Feeling my eyes on him he turns and smiles and something stirs, something powerful. ‘Oh shit’ I think as my stomach flips and my heart tries to burrow out of my chest.

Silver’s smile falters and he looks at me with his head tilted to one side.

“Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”

I regret the words as soon as they are out of my mouth... but only for that short moment while he looks at me, wide eyed and then, when he smiles, all the regret seems to just disappear. All I can think of are those glittering silver eyes and the wide, sensuous smile. When he reaches out his hand I take it and stand as if I am in a daze. Somewhere inside something is screaming at me to stop. That this is wrong, so wrong but there is nothing I can do about it. I am caught in the grip of something that is far more powerful than I am.

My legs are weak and when Silver’s arm goes around my waist I sag against him, resting my head on his chest. He feels so strong, so powerful... and for the first time it is me who feels weak and helpless in his arms.

“What... what does this mean?”

His voice is trembling but it’s not like he trembled last night, it is not because of fear. I am trembling too.

I lift my head to look up at him and shake my head, still feeling dazed and powerless. “I don’t know.” I whisper.

He smiles, a hesitant, shy smile that makes me tremble even harder and then he lowers his head and kisses me.

I have read about kisses which stop time, which fade out the world, which stop the heart. I have always scoffed at the idea. A kiss is just a kiss... right. Except a kiss like this. A kiss like this is all of the above and more. What makes a kiss like this? I have no idea. Maybe it’s knowing that I shouldn’t be doing it. Maybe it’s the wild and open setting. Maybe it’s destiny.

Or maybe it’s just that this kiss... just this kiss out of all the kisses I have ever had... this kiss contains all of my feelings, all of my emotions, all of my fears, hopes and dreams. This kiss is not taken, or given, it just happens. This kiss is not a joining of lips but of souls. This kiss... this kiss... this kiss is with him. Ah fuck what am I doing... what the fuck am I doing? What have I done?

It’s too late now... way too late, because this kiss seals my fate. With this kiss I give myself to him, heart body and soul. With this kiss I fall head over heels in love and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

When he finally lifts his head Silver looks stunned. His eyes are huge and brilliant and filled with an emotion I have never seen there before. He isn't smiling, we are both way beyond smiles. His lips look puffy and bruised from the kiss and they are parted because he is panting, we both are.

“What does this mean?” He asks again in a voice that is husky and makes my stomach clench.

“It means that maybe we should go home.” He looks panic stricken and I reach up to touch his face. “It’s too public here.”

My voice is as husky as his and it makes his eyes light up. Unable to speak he simply nods and, with his arm still around my waist we turn and make our way back along the path to the car park. The car park is deserted. The ice cream van has gone and quite a few of the cars too. If I had been thinking at all I would have thought that there must have been some kind of event on at the beach which filled up the usual car parks, which often happened, and that it was over now.

I’m not thinking of the car park or the event or anything at all except the beautiful man who is walking at my side with his arm around my waist. I am looking at him and he is looking at me and it is a miracle that we reach the car park at all and not fall over the edge of the cliff. It’s a beautiful thing, this chemistry that is suddenly sparking and fizzing between us... a beautiful thing indeed but a dangerous one.

For one thing the fact that we are so wrapped up in each other is making us blind to what is around us. We simply don’t care that there is no one around. We don’t care that it is a remote and deserted place now that most of the cars have gone. We don’t care that we have to walk across the whole of the mostly deserted car park to reach our car. We don’t care that between us and the car a new vehicle has slid into the car park and is just sitting there, idling, like a big black panther waiting to pounce. We don’t care at all. We don’t even notice. Not until a door opens and someone gets out... several actually.

I start to notice all of these things when I suddenly feel Silver go rigid and hear his breath hiss. I look up and see the car, the men, and, in particular the slim silver barrels of the guns they are holding in their hands.

One of the men who seems to be the leader steps forward and smiles pleasantly.

“Hello Silver,” he says. “Would you like to go for a ride?”