The Game - 12. Chapter 12

After the professor left Ben was very quiet. He wouldn’t talk to Lily about what had happened, although she pressed him. He went out into the garden and made a brief attempt to appear to be doing something before he abandoned it and stared off into the distance, a tight expression on his face.

When Shaun arrived at six Ben was still reluctant to talk. He was strained and pale and he said very little about what had happened with Daniel. Before he left he went upstairs and stood for a long time staring down at the pale, still figure, scanning for signs and finding them in the quick shallow breathing, the slight tremors that still ran through his body, the constant rapid eye movements and the trembling of his lips, as though at some level he were repeating something over and over to himself.

He was supposed to administer another dose of medication by injection but he couldn’t bring himself to do so and turned away, suddenly disgusted... with himself and everything he represented. Pausing only to remind Shaun and Lily about the medication he turned and strode out of the house leaving the other two feeling confused and disturbed.

“What was that all about?”

“You know Ben.”

“No, I don’t. Actually, thinking about it, I don’t really know Ben at all. I know he used to be in the army and I know that he lives alone and has a son he sees when he can, but that’s about it.”

“Hmmm. I know he’s not a flake. I have seen him deal with situations that have left me a shivering wreck, without breaking a sweat. So what the hell happened here today?”

“I don’t know. He went up when the professor called for him. I didn’t. When he came down he looked like he had seen a ghost. And all day he’s been standing in the garden staring into the distance and every now and then going upstairs and just standing staring at Daniel as if.... I don’t know, as if he’s looking for answers.”

“What kind of answers?”

“I don’t know. And I can’t decide whether he is wanting to find what he’s looking for.... or not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have no idea.”

“Lily I.... I know I have no place for saying this but there is something that doesn’t feel right.”

“I know exactly what you mean. I have never come across any situation where the mere act of remembering something is so traumatic it sends you into seizures, at least not something as innocuous as what Daniel was saying he was remembering. I have seen people break down and run away from difficult memories, and I have seen people react violently against remembered trauma, even withdraw from the world to avoid it but never get this sick just from remembering.

“And the whole situation Ben described just doesn’t make sense... and these meds... they’re not ....”

“Even I know that... these drugs are going to wipe his mind not help him retrieve it.”

“There is a certain sense in it, if remembering really is presenting a danger to him.”

“If?”

“Hmmm.”

Someone checked on Daniel every fifteen minutes all night. For a long time they were concerned about him. He was clearly very poorly, breathing in short sharp breaths and struggling with some kind of pain. Administering his medication only made it worse and at one point they seriously considered calling for help either from the professor or, at one point by calling an ambulance. It wasn’t until almost dawn that he began to sink towards a more natural sleep, his breathing deepening and his face relaxing, the signs of pain smoothing away.

For the past two hours Lily had sat with him constantly. She had never been afraid of physically losing a patient before and the experience shook her. Daniel had got under her skin, she realised that, and she realised that it was not an entirely professional interest. He was a beautiful gentle soul, that much was very clear despite whatever he might have been through or suffered because of it, and this was all so unfair.

Stroking the hair out of his face she was pleased to note that the intense heat that had infused him like a fever had abated and he was finally cool and calm.

“What’s wrong with you Daniel? What can I do to help you?”

Surprisingly Daniel responded and his eyes flickered, although they did not open.

“Annie.”

“No honey, it’s just Lily. Who is Annie? Is she your girlfriend? How can I find her?”

But there was nothing more.

When Ben arrived for his shift the next day he was calmer and more resolute, but he was not very communicative. He got on with his work and barely spoke to Alex especially when he wanted to know what had gone on the day before. The only thing that was slightly odd was that he point blankly refused to go anywhere near Daniel.

Daniel slept for more than thirty six hours and it was not until after eight o clock the following morning, on the second day after his ‘episode’ that he made any move towards consciousness. Alex went up to give him his medication and he opened his eyes to look up at him blankly.

“Good morning Daniel. Do you feel like getting up today?” The only response was a sigh and Alex smiled compassionately. “I know you probably don’t but the Proff says it’s good for you so... I’ll help you.”

Although Daniel was entirely compliant and co operated with everything he was told to do, he had no drive to do anything for himself and he had to be told or shown whatever was expected of him.

Lily was just coming on shift when Alex led Daniel down the stairs and her heart wept for him. He looked so lost. There was no confusion in his eyes, there was no room in the void for any emotion at all. He acknowledged nothing.

Lily led him out into the garden and he sat in a chair and stared at the sky unblinking. Fortunately it was overcast or he would have burned out his eyes staring at the sun. Lily brought out a blanket and tucked it around him. He did not acknowledge her presence. On an impulse she crouched beside the chair and touched his face. He turned blank eyes to her.

“Are you alright Daniel? I know you’re not, not really but are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?”

For a long moment he just stared, his green eyes dreaming then, for a brief instant they filled with... something and, with effort he whispered... “Help me.” But the moment was brief and before he could elaborate the curtain had fallen again and he was lost, shut of behind it in a world of blurred images and confused thought.

“What’s happening to you Daniel? What happened?” Briefly his eyes flickered, a look of pain crossing his face but he never regained any sense of awareness and, in the end she got to her feet and left him.

At lunch time Lily took Daniel a plate of sandwiches which he stared at, as though he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. In the end Lily had to feed him herself and, although he complied by chewing and swallowing the food there was no sign of pleasure or comprehension. It made her feel empty herself to see him so..... absent.

The same thing happened at dinner and, although he rallied slightly in the early evening and was even able to have brief conversations with Alex and Lily... all that ended abruptly with the administration of his medication after which he sank instantly into a state of semi consciousness where he was not able to respond to anything and, cursing their lack of foresight Alex and Lily were forced to make up a bed on the sofa as there was no way they could have got him to bed short of carrying him.... and Daniel was not small.

Lily was reluctant to leave that evening. She had been due to go off shift hours ago but had somehow not been able to make herself leave. Realising that she was in danger of losing her perspective, her professionalism she forced herself to go home just before midnight. Alex was already in bed and Shaun was yawning. He had made himself a bed on a chair by the window so that if Daniel woke in the night he would not be alone.

“Something is all wrong Shaun. I don’t know what it is but something stinks. Ben knows it too, that is why he’s been so weird.”

“I’m not denying you hun, but what can we do about it?”

“I don’t know. That’s the problem isn’t it? There isn’t anything we can do about it, nothing at all.”

“We can keep an eye on him. I’ll start working with him again in the morning. I know we’re not supposed to encourage him to remember but I want to see for myself what happens. I have a feeling that he is not going to have as much of a problem we have been led to believe.”

“But what if he does? What if it’s right and remembering is dangerous for him?”

“Then I’ll deal with it.”

“And what if it isn’t?”

“Then somehow we are going to have to deal with that. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow.”

“Alright. I’m not due on shift until tomorrow night but I will call in tea time and see how you are going.”

When she had gone Shaun watched Daniel sleep for a time and wondered. He was still wondering when he fell asleep.

He woke some time after dawn. A pale light shone through the thin curtains and he was, for a moment, disoriented, not knowing where he was or why and wondering what had woken him. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, shivering as the blanket had slid onto the floor and the early morning was chilly. He felt stiff and cold and got to his feet stretching intending to make himself a coffee to warm up and then go back to sleep as it was only five thirty. All thoughts of coffee and cold left his head when he happened to glance at Daniel.

He was clearly in distress and Shaun wondered if that was what had woken him. Had he made some sound? Now he was silent, struggling with something, alone and locked away. Despite the fact that he was snugly tucked up in a quilt he was shivering, so much so that at first Shaun thought that he might be having another seizure, but he wasn’t, he was just shaking uncontrollable, moving his head from side to side, his lips moving as though he were speaking although no sound came.

“Daniel? Hey mate, chill out. Wake up Daniel, wake up.”

Daniel gave a strange little cry when Shaun put his hands on his shoulders to shake him and jerked away as if the touch hurt him.

“No.... no, please no, please.”

“It’s alright mate, I’m not going to hurt you. It’s only me, Shaun. You’re safe. It’s alright.”

“No. Don’t.... don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me.”

“No one is going to hurt you Daniel. Wake up now and you’ll see. You’re safe.”

Daniel jerked, his whole body spasming for an instant and then he shuddered and his eyes flew open, staring around looking panic stricken. He sat bolt upright almost striking his head against Shaun’s.

“Woah, chill out. It’s alright. Daniel, you’re safe. It’s me Shaun. You’re safe. You flaked out on the sofa so we let you sleep here. Do you know where you are? Do you know where you are Daniel?”

Daniel shook himself and blinked at Shaun, beginning to relax. He nodded and lay back down, closing his eyes. He was breathing hard.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Daniel shook his head. He seemed to be still frightened of something, squeezing his eyes shut, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“What is it then? What’s wrong?”

Again Daniel shook his head. Was he saying he didn’t know or that he wasn’t about to tell? Well could he really be blamed for being distrustful after the way things had gone for him recently?

“Look mate, you can trust me. I want to help you, I mean really help you. If there is something on your mind that is worrying you then you can tell me. You can trust me.”

Daniel opened his eyes and stared at him. Shaun thought that he had never seen his eyes so clear or so scared. For a moment it seemed as though he was going to say something but then he shook his head again, seeming to collapse in on himself, his face twisting with some strong emotion, whether pain, fear or despair, Shaun could not tell.

He was experienced enough to know that it would do no good to press him. He contented himself with patting him on the shoulder and then got to his feet.

“I was going to make some coffee. Do you want some?”

Wordlessly Daniel nodded, he was curled up with the quilt pulled around him like a child hiding from a fearful world using the blanket like a shield against the unknown dangers of morning in an unknown land. His eyes seemed enormous today in a face that was pale and frightened. He looked almost unworldly, as though he was slipping from this world into another, more fearful reality. Maybe he was. There was a sense of unreality about him and Shaun got the uncomfortable feeling that, whatever nightmare world he was inhabiting was somehow coming back into this world with him. The morning chill was suddenly sinister and he shivered hurrying out into the kitchen, where the bright light and cheerful familiarity were comforting.

‘Shit’, he thought, ‘If I’m getting spooked by all of this, what the hell is going on? What is he going through? And while I’m at it Why?’ Once again he pondered Daniel’s situation and could not make the pieces fit, the facts as he knew them make sense. He had trained as a nurse, dropped out before the finals because of personal circumstances and was considering going back to finish the training. As part of his training he had done a placement at the large psychiatric hospital in the city where he had then lived. He knew something about psychiatric drugs and he knew that the ones that were being given to Daniel at the moment were not right for what they were trying to achieve with him.

Daniel was never going to remember anything whilst on this medication. He would be hard pressed to remember his own name. This was heavy guns for deeply psychotic patients and was usually only given when the patient was a real danger to themselves or others. If the aim was to keep Daniel from remembering too much too quickly then there were other medications that could have achieved the same thing in a much gentler way. Especially given the danger of seizures this just didn’t make sense. What was the professor trying to do?

His treacherous mind whispered to him.... these drugs would be a perfect choice if what you are trying to achieve is the opposite of what he says he is doing. They would be a very good base for a course of ‘treatment’ designed to erase memory, to suppress it at all cost. They would be dangerous but what if you didn’t care whether you broke the mind you were trying to wipe clean? He suddenly thought about Ben and the fact that he had spent time in the army. Had he worked out the same thing?

“Gods I am getting paranoid now. I am listening to Lily too much.”

Pouring two mugs of coffee he took them back into the other room to find that Daniel was asleep again. Smiling he put one of the mugs on the coffee table and took the other back to his chair. After a while, in a very thoughtful mood he got up again and knelt at the side of the sofa looking down at Daniel.

Although he was asleep he was not peaceful. He was still breathing heavily and clearly struggling although to nowhere near the same extent.

“What are you struggling with Daniel? What are you fighting?”

At the sound of his voice Daniel turned his head towards him. His eyelids flickered but did not open. His lips moved as he tried to form words.

Shaun allowed his voice to fall into a soft monotone, slipping the words into the silence, allowing them to sink into Daniel’s consciousness like snowflakes gently coating an unsuspecting earth.

“Don’t fight any more Daniel, there is nothing to fight against. There is no danger, no threat. Relax and rest.” He repeated the words over and over and Daniel began to relax, his breathing deepening, his face smoothing.

“What are you afraid of Daniel?” He mumbled something that was just beyond the threshold of hearing. “I didn’t hear you Daniel. What are you afraid of?”

“Don’t hurt me.”

“I’m not going to hurt you Daniel. I promise you that.”

“Don’t hurt me.”

“Who do you think is going to hurt you Daniel? Who are you afraid of?”

“I don’t.... know.”

“Alright. It’s alright. Do you think that I am going to hurt you?”

“No.”

“Good. Will you trust me?”

“No.”

“Why do you think that you can’t trust me?”

“No.”

“Okay. Did someone hurt you Daniel?”

“Yes.”

“Who?”

“Don’t know.”

“Where did they hurt you?”

“Everywhere. In my... head.” He whimpered and began to get distressed again. Shaun soothed him until he relaxed.

“Alright... where were you when you were hurt? Do you know where you were?”

“White room.”

“In a white room.”

“I’m not supposed to.... not .... I can’t... he said don’t do it again. He said..... said... don’t... don’t remember... don’t remember. He made me... he made me..... pain.... so much pain. I don’t.... don’t want to.... no more.... please no more.”

“Who told you not to remember?”

“I mustn’t.... mustn’t..... I can’t.... remember.”

“Okay, be calm now, just relax. You’ll be alright, you’re safe, safe now Daniel. No one will hurt you now. So, you were told not to remember. Have you? Have you remembered Daniel? Have you remembered anything that you are not supposed to remember?”

“Yes..” the word was a whisper and it seemed to hurt him to say. Tears were squeezing out from under his closed lids.

“What have you remembered? Can you tell me?”

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me?”

“Yes.”

“Okay... what have you remembered Daniel?”

“The game.”

“Game? What game?” There was no response. “Daniel? Daniel.... what game?”

But there was no more. With the effort of speaking the last words Daniel had sunk back into a sleep so profound that Shaun could not wake him even though he tried.

Dragging himself back to his chair Shaun pulled the blankets around himself and cradled his coffee trying to warm his hands and his heart which were both chilled. What did it mean, all the things that Daniel had told him.... what the hell was going on? More importantly what should he do about it? Suddenly he was afraid. If what he was beginning to expect was correct then Daniel was being abused, royally screwed and for what?

The thought crossed his mind of whether Professor Bowen knew what was happening. In his two years working at the house he had had a lot to do with the professor and he had always considered him to be caring and ethical. His patients had always been well cared for and generally left the house a good deal better than they had arrived, due partly to support from the carers but mostly because of the care from the Professor who was very good at his job. Although Shaun found it almost impossible to believe that the Professor would be part of something as dark as his suspicions were suggesting, it was also impossible to believe that he was unaware of it. He was, after all, prescribing the drugs.

He did not sleep again and finally got up, stiff and sore when Ben arrived at seven. Not long afterwards a temp from the bank arrived to relieve Alex who was not even up yet. They all sat and drank coffee in the kitchen and Shaun noticed that Ben got up and walked away as soon as the temp, Andrea, started asking for details about Daniel.

Reviewing Daniel’s notes Andrea whistled softly when she saw the current medication. “Fuck, what’s he done?”

“Done? What do you mean?”

“What’s he done to deserve getting fucked up on a punishment drug?”

“Punishment drug?”

“I used to work up at the hospital. Punishment drugs are the name we gave to the heavy duty stuff that the hard core get when they have been stirring up serious shit; the type who are candidates for the white room. Not that we would have called them that to the doctors of course.... they would freak to think that we gave them a name like that.... I know they’re not really being punished.”

Shaun went cold. “The white room?”

“Yeah, it’s one of the treatment rooms up at the hospital. The Professor has developed a radical behavioural modification programme and he carries out all the treatments.... and only those treatments... in the white room. No one is allowed in there except the staff directly involved in the programme and no one really knows what goes on there. Of course the conjecture is rife.

“One thing is for sure though.... only the most hardcore cases go in there and they all come out changed. The programme works.... in a way.”

“What do you mean ‘in a way’?”

“Well, they’re modified alright. The anger goes out of them... they get docile and compliant but they are.... haunted. They give me the creeps, as though they’ve lost part of their soul. I suppose it’s justified in the end... they are usually released, to a place like this, and then home... most of them. They have some kind of a life, which they wouldn’t have had before.”

“But...?”

“Well...... I.... I’m sure the treatments are.... necessary... they do help... kind of... but.... well.... I’ve walked past and I’ve heard the screams.”

Ben whirled from the sink. “Andrea! Enough with your horror stories! If you’ve finished with the notes then I suggest you give them to Shaun so he can write up last night. I expect he can’t wait to get out of here.”

Shaun hesitated and, taking a deep breath he looked Ben directly in the face and lied. “That isn’t going to take long. It was singularly uneventful.” Ben knew he was lying and gave him a strange look before turning away.