The Art of Being Gay - 5. Some Assembly Required

Some Assembly Required

The curtain opens…

Chad heard some rustling and a sound that could be footsteps. His fuzzy brain was trying to interpret these noises when he realized he was in a bed that didn’t stink of stale tobacco smoke. Chad opened an eye and a bright, harsh beam of sunlight pierced his head. The light seemed to pound and throb making his brain pulse in agony. He moaned inwardly and closed his eye.

Chad shifted and realized there was a comforter on the bed. His bed didn’t have a comforter, only a blanket. Awareness began to dawn on him. He wasn’t in his own bed. So where was he?

He opened both eyes this time and now heard faint voices in the background.

“Who’s the naked man in your guest room dear?” a willowy voice asked.

“That’s my new warehouse guy. He had a little too much fun last night so he slept it off here,” a rumbling baritone voice responded.

“What did you do to him? His tallywhacker was standing up as stiff as a flagpole.” It was definitely a woman’s voice he was hearing and Chad looked down. Sure enough, his lower half was mostly uncovered and bare to the world. He shifted to cover himself which made his head pound even more painfully.

“You went into the room?” the other voice asked incredulously. Chad recognized that voice as Roy’s. “Mom, you didn’t.”

“I just opened the curtains a little. It’s time for me to meet your new friend,” she answered and sounded a little smug.

Chad sat up and frantically looked around the room. It was neat, clean, and completely empty of his clothes. What had he done last night?

The opera. No, the drag show; he thought was going to be the opera. He went with Roy. Fuck. He got so drunk he couldn’t remember much of the night.

Chad pulled the sheet and wrapped it around him. He climbed out of the bed and bumped the nightstand with his hip. “Damnit!” he exclaimed.

“Sounds like loverboy’s up,” the woman chuckled.

“Shut up Mom. You should have let him sleep in,” Roy answered. The voice was coming closer and Chad looked around for clothes of any type. There was nothing but a chair with a faded brocade seat and a dresser that had pictures on top of it. Where were his clothes?

“Good morning sunshine,” Chad heard from the doorway. He looked up and saw Roy was standing there smiling at him. His boss held out a small pile of clothes. “Looking for these?”

“What happened? I’m naked here,” Chad groused. He was embarrassed, a little angry, and the xylophone playing in his head wasn’t making him feel much better.

“You got sick so I washed your clothes. You had quite the night,” Roy said handing him the pile. “Maybe shower first. I wiped you down the best I could but I don’t think I got it all.”

“Um, thanks,” Chad said, grabbing his clothes with his one free hand while still clutching the sheet around his waist with the other. “Where’s the…?”

“Bathroom is right there across the hall. I put out a towel and a toothbrush for you. When you’re done, I made some coffee and blueberry muffins if you’re up to it.”

Chad nodded and felt the flush on his face grow even warmer. His memory of the previous evening was starting to come back in little flashes. Those disjointed pictures weren’t making much sense though. He walked across the hall into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

As he climbed in, Chad assessed what details he could remember. He had a vague recollection of talking about pencil erasers. There were the words, ‘what I am’ floating through his brain. He remembered the sickeningly sweet taste of peppermint. There was a faint impression of long, sharp fingernails on his sides digging into his skin. He could remember the feel of lips on his and the raspy feeling of a beard on his cheek.

Oh God. What did he do? Was it Roy’s lips on his? Did they have sex? What was the faded, fuzzy odor of Chanel No. 5 doing mixed with the other pieces of his recollections?

Chad thought for a moment about finding a back door and slipping out of it away from his boss and the woman who was apparently Roy’s mother.

His boss. Chad had made a fool of himself in front of his new boss. There was no getting away from him. Unless he quit. He could find a new job and never, ever step foot in that Minnemart again. His shame was so great he was shaking. Well, that could be the booze exiting his system.

Chad dried off and brushed his teeth. He looked for any other evidence of last night but there was nothing but his clean, if tired, face reflecting back in the mirror. He climbed into his clothes from last night and paused at the bathroom door. Could he make a run for it? Should he go back to Council Bluffs and forget last night ever happened?

He opened the door and peered down the hallway toward the kitchen. A woman was sitting there drinking coffee and picking at a muffin on a plate in front of her.

“I’m telling you nothing happened. He was drunk and got sick and I put him into bed. That’s all,” Chad heard Roy say.

“Probably for the best. If he’s a big drinker, you should stay away from him. They’re nothing but trouble,” the woman said popping a morsel in her mouth.

“He’s just figuring things out. I don’t get the impression he’s a lush. Last night got away from him,” he heard Roy’s voice answer.

That gave Chad the courage to make his decision. Nothing happened between them. He had a rough night. He got wasted. Nothing too bad. He decided to make this situation less uncomfortable. Maybe he could whitewash it.

“Morning,” Chad called out as he walked into the kitchen. “I need coffee and aspirin.”

“I bet you do,” Roy said with a grin. “You had quite the night.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Chad said taking a mug and sitting at the table. The woman looked at him like she was dissecting a frog in biology class.

“Have a muffin,” Roy said. “This rude woman is my mother. She decided it was time for you to get up.”

“Hi,” Chad said popping a couple of aspirins from a bottle sitting by an empty plate in front of him. “I’m Chad.”

“So I hear,” she said with a frown. “Are you a big drinker?”

“No ma’am,” Chad answered shaking his head. “I haven’t been that polluted since my wedding.”

“Married huh? Figures,” she said looking away from Chad and scowling at Roy. “It’s what I’ve come to expect from him.”

Roy rolled his eyes. “He’s divorced Mom. I told you, he moved up here to find himself.”

“Oh,” she said pulling another morsel from her muffin. “How old are you Chad?”

“I’m thirty-nine. I’ll be forty next month,” Chad said grabbing a muffin and peeling away the paper.

“About the same age as you Roy. He’s too old then, right?” she snickered. “By the way, I’m Kendra.”

“Nice to meet you Kendra,” Chad said looking over at his scowling boss.

“What’s that supposed to mean Mom?” Roy asked.

“You like ‘em young and stupid,” Kendra said giving him an evil grin. “Chad here’s too mature for your tastes.”

“Ignore her,” Roy said, giving her a dirty look. “So did you have fun last night? What did you like the most?”

Chad took a bite of the muffin in order to give himself some time to answer. He didn’t know what to say. Finally, the truth seemed the best bet.

“I, um, I don’t remember much about last night. Just bits and pieces,” he said looking intently at his muffin.

“Maybe he is in your league, dear. He’s a drunk with amnesia,” Kendra laughed.

“What do you remember?” Roy asked ignoring his mother pointedly. “Maybe I can help you put it back together. I thought you were having a blast.”

“Really?” Chad said. “I was?”

“Yeah,” Roy smirked. “Give me one thing to start.”

“I remember tasting peppermint, really strong and sweet,” Chad said looking at his boss.

“You were drinking shots of Rumple Minze. Does that ring any bells?”

Chad suddenly recalled the strong, minty feeling of it rolling down his throat and filling his sinuses. “It does. I never drink shots except a little Rumple Minze when I have a cold. It helps me sleep.”

“That’s why,” Kendra said loudly. “You were stressed and went straight for the comfort drink. You’re not a drunk after all.”

Chad looked at her and blinked. He didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. However, if it got her to see him in a more favorable light, he’d take it.

“What else do you remember?” Roy asked, sitting down next to his mother across from Chad.

“We got to the bar and you introduced me to Clyde. The waiter, Wes, I think that’s his name, got us beers,” Chad explained slowly. “Oh, and we met that female impersonator in the blue dress, Max something.”

“Maxine Factor. That’s right. Is it coming back to you?” Roy asked.

“We watched the show and there was another female impersonator and her name was something Dix, right?” Chad said.

“Chad. The show we watched last night wasn’t a female impersonator show. It was a drag show with men being campy and outrageous. They aren’t trying to be women. They were playing characters not pretending to be women,” Roy explained.

“Oh,” Chad said. He remembered from the movie ‘The Birdcage’ they didn’t like being called drag queens but maybe that was something entirely different. His headache was easing but his confusion was still in full swing. “Was the Dix person wearing a purple dress like a bridesmaid?”

Roy laughed. “Yeah, that’s Sofonda all right. Her shtick is the ugly bridesmaid. You got that right.”

Chad could suddenly feel those lacquered long nails pressed into his side. “Did I dance with her?”

Roy grinned. “Sort of. You joined the conga line of drag queens snaking around the tables near the end.”

“Oh God. I danced with them?” Chad put his head in his hands.

“You sang too,” Roy giggled. “Don’t you remember getting on stage?”

Boom! An image of him looking out over the audience flashed into Chad’s head. “What did I sing?”

“You sang ‘I Am, What I Am’ at the end of the drag show. I was pretty impressed. You have a nice voice.”

Chad looked up and saw Roy and his mother were trying to contain their laughter. “Do you remember Debbie and Dave?” his boss asked him.

“That’s Sofonda’s sister and brother-in-law, right?” Chad remembered. “We sat with them for a while.”

“Well, I sat with them. After singing and being in the conga line, you sat on Dave’s lap. It was hilarious.”

Chad looked at Roy sharply. “I did not.”

“Oh yes you did. You kissed Debbie and sat on Dave’s lap and rubbed his shoulders,” Roy said. Kendra had her hand over her mouth but giggling sounds were coming from her anyway. “Chadder, you were the life of the party last night.”

Chad’s mouth dropped open at hearing that name. “Wes called me that didn’t he? Please tell me I didn’t say anything about his nipples.”

“You said they looked like the erasers on pencils in school. You told Wes you wanted to nibble on them.”

Kendra lost all sense of propriety and laughed out loud. Chad found himself smiling in spite of the embarrassment.

“Did I get kicked out?” Chad asked.

“God no. You were a little wobbly on your feet so Clyde the bouncer helped me get you to the car. It was pretty funny. You kept kissing him and telling him to chew on Wes’ nipples once for you.”

“I’m never going back there,” Chad groaned. “They must think I’m some kind of weirdo.”

“Naw. They all love you down there. You didn’t get obnoxious only a little drunk. You were a perfect gentleman, well except for the nipple part and kissing the bouncer.” Roy crossed his arms and sat back. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve all been there a time or two.”

“Not me,” Kendra said, finally controlling her laughter. “I’ve watched my son do worse though.”

Roy turned red at that. Chad wanted to know more about that story but felt this wasn’t the time. His hangover was terrible, but something else was there inside him. He felt a little lighter, freer than he did the day before. He rarely let his hair down so publicly, but it felt good.

Chad figured at least he hadn’t been rude. There were times when after a single beer down in Council Bluffs he’d get a little frustrated, even angry at times. He never acted on it. Those times weighed him down and it sounded like last night was pure fun.

“I promise I won’t get like that again,” Chad said finally. “I did have a good time. I’m more relaxed today.”

“Good,” Roy said. “Have another muffin before you go. Mom and I are going shopping in a bit.”

“Okay,” Chad drinking his coffee and eying the plate hungrily. “I’ll see you at work.”

“Yep,” Roy said with a pleasant grin. “See you at three.”

*****************

Chad wiped the grease from the forklift shaft onto a rag and looked over at Peterson and Roy. It was strange watching them interact. Peterson was as stiff as a board while Roy was fidgeting. They were both chuckling up a storm. Chad hoped that meant Peterson was in a better mood. The warehouse supervisor had been snapping at him all day. He couldn’t figure out why.

Roy waved and started trotting toward him, a big grin on his face. He slowed down to a walk as he neared the equipment.

“Having problems?” he asked.

Chad shook his head. “Nope. Routine maintenance mostly. These things are dangerous if you don’t keep them up to snuff.”

“Glad you’re doing it then,” Roy said. “Are you feeling better yet? I know your hangover this morning was a bitch.”

“I took a nap and drank about a gallon of water. I’m great,” Chad answered standing up. “Is Peterson in a better mood?”

“He seemed fine, great in fact. Why? Was he grumpy earlier?” Roy asked a shadow crossing his face.

“Probably had a bad night or something. I’m sure he’s fine now,” Chad said. “Better get back to checking the fluid levels.”

“I won’t keep you. Say, next week do you want to go out again? I think you need more gay tutorials,” Roy chuckled.

“No booze,” Chad laughed shaking his head. “My liver won’t stand another do-over like last night.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll set it up,” Roy said patting Chad’s shoulder. “Back at it.”

Chad turned and looked at the lift and sighed. He was still a little shaky but the nap had helped. His stomach growled and he realized it was dinner time. He was starving.

“What did Roy want?” he heard someone ask. Chad turned and saw Peterson was behind him shifting from foot to foot.

“He asked if I was feeling better. Had a little too much to drink last night,” Chad answered.

“You and Roy went out?” Peterson asked. Chad tried not to stare. Usually, if he approached Peterson from the right, he could look him in the eye that looked straight out. Now, Peterson was square to him and his eye that looked inward was capturing his attention. It made Chad a little nervous. The look on Peterson’s face didn’t help. He looked annoyed.

“We didn’t go out on a date if that’s your question. He took me to see a drag show downtown. I’ve never seen one.”

Peterson’s face relaxed a little. He didn’t look quite so pissed. His cross eye was still making Chad feel weird. “Oh. I see. We have a policy against that.”

“We’re just friends,” Chad said. “I passed out in his guest room. I’m not usually much of a drinker.”

“You spent the night with Roy?” Peterson asked. His good eye was looking furious again.

“No. I passed out in his guest room. Are you upset with me?” Chad asked. “You’ve been pretty hard on me today.”

Peterson’s shoulders slumped. “No. I’m having a bad day.” Chad thought there was more to it but he wasn’t sure what that was. Maybe talking to the man would give him an idea of that. It wouldn’t hurt.

“I’m ready for dinner. Wanna join me in the break room?” Chad asked. Maybe if he could get the man talking he wouldn’t be such a bastard.

“You want me to eat with you?” Peterson asked looking shocked.

“Why not? I hate eating alone,” Chad said.

“I guess,” Peterson said haltingly. “It might make a nice change.”

Chad waved and Peterson followed him into the back of the store. The break room was empty of other employees. Chad grabbed his bag out of the fridge and sat down at the table. He pulled out his pastrami sandwich and bag of chips, and finally an apple.

He watched as Peterson painstakingly opened his lunch box. He took the plate from under the lid and placed it in front of him. The man took silverware and a cloth napkin from inside the container and put it neatly next to the plate. Carefully, he pulled a box out and put it in the microwave. He hit some numbers and the appliance sprang to life. Peterson finished by taking out a small bowl and a little container. He dressed the salad as his meal heated up.

Chad had never seen such care taken for a lunch at work. It was like a formal meal instead of a quick sandwich and piece of fruit like he was used to seeing. As the microwave started to beep, Peterson went to retrieve his container. As he peeled back the top, Chad could smell roast beef and carrots. It was divine.

“We haven’t had a chance to talk much,” Chad said waving with his sandwich, dressing dripping down his arm. “How long have you worked for Minnemart?”

Peterson looked up and faced him. His cross eye was worse than normal looking far to the right. “I’ve been working with Tyrell for almost ten years. Before that I worked at a maintenance company in their warehouse. How about you?”

“I just started. I worked my whole life as a mechanic for a construction company. Good job but I had to leave it to come here.” Chad took another huge bite of his sandwich.

“You’ve got sauce or something running down your chin,” Peterson said with a grimace. “Don’t you have a napkin?”

“Sorry,” Chad said wiping his chin and then his arm. Peterson’s nose was turned up now.

“Why did you move here?” Peterson asked. Chad noticed he wasn’t looking at him. He was carefully studying his food as he picked through it.

“I guess it’s no secret anymore since Lonnie blabbed,” Chad sighed. “I was outed down in Iowa so I came up here to figure things out.”

Peterson’s face was now scrunched up in a particularly harsh mask. “Oh,” he said taking a bite of his roast.

“Roy’s been a great help, a good friend,” Chad said. “He’s kind of taken me under his wing.”

“Is that what’s going on?” Peterson said shortly.

“Listen. Have I said something wrong again?” Chad asked. The man was positively bristling with hostility.

“You eat like a pig,” Peterson said. “It’s disgusting.”

What was wrong with the guy? Why did he keep going after him giving him attitude? It was pissing Chad off. He thought he knew what it was. Chad sat back and put his sandwich down. “Peterson, are you gay?”

The man stopped chewing. The color drained from his face. When he looked up, his right eye was gleaming in fury. “Are you one of those gays who come out and think everyone else is gay too?”

Chad shook his head quickly. “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. That was rude. It’s just when you’re around Roy…”

“When I’m around Roy what?” Peterson barked. “I’m respectful and professional. When Roy’s around I don’t flirt and talk him into going out on the town with me. You are a piece of work. I know what you’re doing!”

Peterson promptly stood up, shoved his meal back into his lunch box, and stormed out of the break room taking his dinner with him. The door slammed hard behind him.

Chad shook his head and picked up his sandwich. He wasn’t the only middle aged guy with issues, that’s for sure. He’d ask Roy. Then he’d know what Peterson’s deal was. Jeezus!