To Have and to Hold - 23. Chapter 23

Saving the World is HARD


When Gabriel tugs at our hands I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that it happened so fast, I can’t believe that it happened at all. There is no resistance. It is as though the knife has travelled through nothing but air and yet... and yet... When I open my eyes the first thing I see is Marc’s face. His head is leaning back against Gabriel’s shoulder and his eyes are wide, staring up at the sky. He is so beautiful, so... perfect... too perfect; too good for me, for the world in which I live.

Gabriel’s face is white, his blue eyes providing startling colour in this place of washed out nothingness... but they are as nothing to the bright splash of colour that is so very quickly spreading over my hands, dripping onto the earth, pooling at our feet.

I barely have time to think about it. Quite suddenly Marc’s legs give way. Gabriel braces him and I automatically throw my arm around him. Together we lower him to the ground. He is still staring upwards with wide eyes that don’t seem to contain any trace of fear or pain. He is just dreaming.

I brush the hair away from his face, forgetting the blood on my hands and it is smeared all over his face. I snatch my hand away, horrified. There is an edge of hysteria building within me. I can’t believe what I have done. He was so sure. When he was looking at me with that certainty in his eyes, when Gabriel was telling me that I owed it to my family, my people, the earth, that if Marc was able to accept it then I should honour him with my own strength, then it had seemed... not easy, not clear but justifiable.... almost, honourable... in a way, bearable.... to a point.... but now... now it is...unendurable.

How can I look into his face, his gentle, pure, beautiful face, smeared with the blood I have spilled? How can I look at him and feel anything but.... pain?

“Kai...”

“I’m here.”

“I know. Don’t...”

“Don’t what?”

“Feel guilty, be...” he gasps and gives a great shuddering sigh. I am afraid he is going to slip away right there and then and I hold on to him tighter, as though that could hold him, could stop him. “... hard on yourself.”

“I’m always hard on myself. It’s the way I am.”

He smiles. “I know. So stop. No need. I did this.”

“No you didn’t... we did it.”

He nods and very slowly turns his head to look at Gabriel who is as uncertain, as raw and vulnerable as I have ever seen him. He is staring at Marc as if he has never seen him, never seen anything like him before.

“Thank you.”

“I... Marc I...”

“I know.” He smiles again, a faint, brief smile and closes his eyes.

“Marc!!”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a long slow sigh as he opens his eyes and stares up into mine. There is a world of meaning conveyed in a single glance, a lifetime of love in a single moment of connection and then he smiles, a warm, bright, glorious smile and sighs gently.

“Kai...”

I have done this before, held him in my arms for what I think is the last time, thought that I have lost him, that he has slipped away, left me... but this time there is no doubt. I feel it, so does Gabriel. As my name flies from his lips he blinks once, very slowly and then freezes, a light goes out and my world crumbles.

“No... No... Please no. Marc, don’t leave me... don’t go... please... I don’t care about the war, I don’t care about what it means, what will happen to anyone else... I don’t care. I don’t care about anything but you. Please... please don’t do this... don’t leave me. No... don’t... don’t do this. Don’t DO this.”

There is a soft touch on my shoulder and I look up into the face of the woman in blue. At first my gut reaction is to throw myself at her, to hit her until that gentle, smug smile is nothing but a bloody pulp but what would that achieve? It wouldn’t bring him back.

“Thank you Kai, Gabriel. I know what this has cost you. No one knows better, but it is time to leave now.”

“Leave? No. I won’t leave him. I won’t. You can’t make me do that. You can’t. You have taken everything from me... you can’t...”

“Kai... have faith.”

“No... I won’t go. You can’t make me go.” But even as I say it I can feel it all slipping away. There is a sense of everything becoming unreal, fading. “NO... NO... You can’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me. Nooooo.”

But it is no good. I can’t hold on, no more than I could to Marc... everything fades to black.

*-*-*
The first thing that filters through the darkness is the sound of water, the sea. I lie for a while listening to the ebb and flow. The sea has always calmed me, always made me feel a deep peace, although this time the peace is just emptiness.

There is a hole in my heart, a deep chasm of darkness that sucks in all light, all joy and locks it forever in a far place, the place where Marc is.

I feel tears welling up beneath my closed eyelids and running down my face. I am sad. It is a deeper, more painful sadness than I have ever experienced before. I feel as though a part of me has been ripped away, not an arm or a leg but something even more vital, like my heart or lungs. I wish it had been my brain because that is working overtime, replaying scenes over and over and over until I think I will go mad.

It occurs to me to open my eyes and when I do it is to a sky full of stars. Someone stirs next to me and I close my eyes again and groan silently. I had almost forgotten... Gabriel... I can’t deal with Gabriel right now. I am full of conflicting emotions about Gabriel. He was there, with us, he shared that experience... but it was he who controlled the knife, it was he who...

I have to stop thinking like this; it serves no purpose, does no one good. Gabriel did what had to be done, what I was too weak to do. Am I to condemn him for being strong, for understanding better that I could? The answer is, that yes, despite all the reasons not to, and they are good ones, yes I am.

Gabriel sighs deeply and I feel him sit up. He remains motionless and silent and I am tempted to open my eyes but I don’t, I can’t. There is someone else here too; I can hear them, sense them watching me... so She has come too. I know it is her, I can feel her energy all around me. It is strange and strong and beautiful but for me it will now always be polluted with blood. Do I still have blood on my hands? The thought repulses me.

“Kai?”

His voice is hesitant, gentle. He has no idea what to say to me. He sounds so strange, so unlike himself, so much like I feel. I know that I am wallowing in my pain but I can’t help it, I don’t care.

“Kai, I know you’re awake.”

Hang on, that isn’t Gabriel. That sounds like...

My eyes fly open, I could not have kept them closed for anything, it is not even a conscious action. He is sitting in the sand at my side, leaning over me, his face blotting out the stars, more beautiful than any of them.

“Marc?”

He grins at me. “Go figure eh?”

“But... but how... how..? I mean I... we...”

“Yeah, I know. Nuts isn’t it?” His face sobers and his smile turns introspective. “Seems that it was the sacrifice that was needed not the life as such. The energy released in what we did was enough... at least I hope so. It kind of makes sense.”

He looks thoughtful, beautiful, amazing. I am stunned, truly stunned. My mind just won’t accept what I am seeing. I sit up suddenly and startle him, making him fall backwards, catching himself laughing.

We are on the shore, where I almost lost him for the first time. The tide is coming in and my feet are already wet with it. It is very dark and still, apart from the stars. Gabriel is sitting on a rock close by, staring out at sea. He does not look in our direction.

“So... I mean... Did you... did you...?”

“Oh yes. I died. I know I died. I was aware of every moment of it, never doubt that. From the moment we set foot in the Malakh city I knew I was going to die... no before that, in Sanctuary when that Malakh poured his essence into me... There were images burning in my mind of what the world would be like if we allowed the war to happen and I had to stop it. There was nothing else I could have done.

“And... and... I... felt it... I... when it happened I was so aware of every minute. I... I felt... I... I died. I was stabbed through the heart and I died. I FELT my heart stop, felt it falter, fill with blood, struggle and stop. I can’t describe what it felt like, those last few moments.”

“I thought I would never see you again.”

“Me too. You were so brave. I don’t think I could have done what you did if it had been the other way around.”

“It wasn’t me. I wasn’t brave. I was a coward. I was selfish and a coward. It was Gabriel, he is the one who did it. He is the one who saved us.”

Gabriel doesn’t turn, doesn’t look at us, just keeps staring over the water.

“You ok Gabe?”

For a long moment he remains immobile and then slowly he turns his head. I have never seen him look so lost.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? What are you sorry for?”

“It was me. Kai held the knife but it was me who... I killed you.”

“I don’t suppose I am the first person you ever killed.”

“You are the first friend.”

“Friend? Since when?”

“Alright, maybe I haven’t been the most welcoming, and the Malakh thing completely threw me... but... but... I... I... respect you. I thought you were a foolish child who had turned Kai’s head with empty beauty, and... yes I was jealous. But I was wrong. Ok? I was wrong. You are a lot more than that, you are wise and brave and strong and ... and... I killed you.”

“You had to. It was necessary. That’s why you were there. My role was to die, Kai’s to hold the knife and yours to... use it.”

“I know. I am very aware of that. That doesn’t make it any easier.”

“It should. I mean if I can forgive you for killing me, shouldn’t you be able to forgive yourself?”

“It isn’t exactly as easy as that.”

“Why not? You’re a vampire Gabriel. You’re the goddsdamed king of the vampires. You still have a war to fight. And you have a whole race of assholes to cut down to size.”

“What do you mean?”

“I figure the Malakh have to owe us something. Seems to me it would be a good time to make some diplomatic overtures about an alliance.”

He thinks about it for a moment and then a bright smile breaks over his face. “You know what? You could well be right. You’re a fucking genius. So are you coming back to the Castle with me?”

“Don’t seem to have too much else planned. What do you think Kai?”

“Me? I have given up thinking, it was hurting too much.”

I am just too happy. Looking at the two of them, Gabriel smiling again and Marc glowing like the dawn, I know, beyond doubt that everything is going to be alright.