Unforgivable - 15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

“What are you doing here?” Jason asked, looking confused and not quite awake. “It's almost two in the morning.”

“Can I come in?” Corey pleaded softly. “Please? I need to talk to you… to explain.”

Jason considered him for a moment before opening the door wider and motioning him inside. “What’s there to explain? I thought you made yourself pretty clear.” The door closed behind Corey, cutting off the icy wind, but it did nothing to dispel the chill in the room.

Corey winced at Jason’s harsh tone, but couldn't blame the man. He'd treated Jason terribly. “I wanted to apologize.”

“For which part?” Jason crossed his arms over his bare chest.

“All of it.” Corey felt the stress of the last two weeks weighing heavily on him. Since he’d gotten home his adrenaline had dissipated, and he was exhausted. “Can we sit?” He noticed the wariness in the man’s eyes, and felt awful about the hurt he saw… the hurt he put there.

The blonde acquiesced and led him into the living room. “Do you want anything? Some tea?”

Corey shook his head. “Nothing for me, thanks.” They sat in uncomfortable silence while Corey tried to gather his thoughts. Nothing he'd rehearsed on the way over seemed adequate now.

“Why are you here, Corey?” Jason’s frown looked so out of place on the normally cheerful man.

“I’m really sorry, Jase. You wanted to help, and I was a complete asshole to you." He'd regretted what he'd said almost immediately, but couldn't quiet his fears.

“Why did you do it? If nothing else, I thought we were friends.” The pain in Jason’s voice twisted Corey’s gut. “You couldn't even call to tell me you were home? You let me worry about you for nothing. That fucking hurt.”

“We are friends,” Corey protested. Groaning, he rubbed his palms over his eyes. “I’m fucking this up.”

“What the hell went through your head? One minute I thought we were okay… better than okay, and then….”

“I already told you about my mom.” He tilted his head to the side, looking at Jason out of the corner of his eye. “The whole thing… her leaving my dad, the pregnancy… it hit me harder than I was prepared for. She’s always put up with so much from that asshole, and kept forgiving him… every time he got caught she would take him back.” Corey blinked away the sting in his eyes. “I lost count of the times I would hear her crying in her room when she thought I was sleeping, and overhearing my father’s excuses when he’d eventually come crawling back. He’d swear things would change, make promises, but in the end, he’d betray her trust… Every. Damned. Time.”

“I’m sorry you both had to go through that,” Jason said sincerely. “But why did you lash out at me?”

Reaching across the couch, Corey took Jason's hand, feeling a slight stiffening, but was grateful he didn't pull away. “Please understand… she was a mess when I got to her.” He closed his eyes against the image of his mother weeping as she relived the most mortifying time of her life. “For most of my life I wondered how she could allow him to walk all over her… believing she should have known better.” His voice cracked as he fought to control his fraying emotions. “I never understood why she didn’t walk away sooner.”

“I get that.” Jason squeezed his hand. “No one wants to see someone they love hurting, and be helpless to do anything. I wish you could have just told me that. What you accused me of? That cut deep, Cor."

"I know it did. It was uncalled for. I knew as soon as the words were out I was wrong, but I couldn't seem to shut up." He gripped Jason’s hand tightly, needing the man's strength to ground him, knowing he was close to breaking down. “It's not an excuse, but it’s been an exhausting couple of weeks. When I saw how she was blaming herself, I wanted to kill him. Mom is naive… and he’s been able to hurt her because of it. The bastard tried to call her every day. A few times when the phone rang, I heard her whispering, ‘once a cheater, always a cheater,’ before checking the caller ID. It was like she was trying to convince herself. Seeing her struggle not to forgive him again, I guess I started to panic.”

“About me.” It wasn't a question.

Corey turned to face Jason. “I don't want to be like her. I put up with a lot of shit from Zach I'm not proud of, but you… you could gut me. I don’t know what I would do if….”

“I would never have done that to you, Corey.”

“Deep in here….” He thumped his chest over his heart. “I know that, but I couldn't get my stupid brain to stop with the worst case scenarios.”

“So what made you change your mind?” Jason pulled his hand away, and shifted back in the seat.

“Pierre,” he said with a teary smile. “After you left, I was waffling between anger at myself, and fear of the damage you could do to my heart. He was calling to check in, and knew right away something was wrong.”

Jason raised an eyebrow. “You told him about us… being friends?”

“I told him everything… about us… my insecurities.” Corey's smile became happier, thinking about his sweet, understanding friend. “I would have told him about kissing you even if none of this had happened… I would never keep that from him.”

“What did he say?”

“He made me realize I've been projecting my dad’s sins onto you for years, and it's not fair. You are NOT Ian Smyth. Even at twenty you weren't like him. You fucked up badly, and it hurt people I care about, but you apologized, and meant it. I don’t think my dad ever meant a word of that came out of his mouth.” Drew had tried for years to talk to him about Jason, but he always stubbornly shut down the subject, and his friend never pushed. Thinking back now he realized Pierre was right; the older boy had become an outlet for the hatred he felt for his father.

“When I told Pierre what happened tonight… what I said to you, he tore a strip off of me.” Corey chuckled at Jason’s shock. “He said I needed to get my head out of my ass and apologize.” Realizing how badly he’d probably hurt Jason with his vicious accusations made his heart ache. He was almost too embarrassed to come over, but didn’t want Jason to spend another minute thinking Corey hated him. He was determined to apologize, even if Jason didn’t want to hear it.

“I’m surprised Pierre would defend me to you.” Jason looked dazed. “I know he’s a good man, and he forgave me, but that’s more than I ever expected.”

“Perri wants me to be happy.” The memory of his conversation with the redhead brought a fond smile. “He said if being with you makes me happy, I have his blessing.”

“What does this mean? For me and you?” Jason’s hands fidgeted where they rested on his thighs.

“It means I want to give us an honest try.” Corey chewed his lip. “That is, if you still want me.”

“Of course I want you, Corey,” Jason chided softly. “That’s not the problem.” He breathed in deeply, and squared his shoulders. “I can’t… I won’t do this if you can never trust me. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us. I refuse to be in a relationship where I'm constantly doubted. I know that level of trust may never be possible between us, and if you don’t think you’ll ever get there, I understand. I’ll never stop being your friend.” The man sounded sad, but determined.

“I know I have trust issues, but I will work on them. Can you be patient with me? I know I fucked up, but I can’t lose you.” He was begging, but didn’t care. The thought of Jason walking away was more painful than the betrayal he’d felt all of those years ago.

Jason was quiet for so long Corey was sure he was being rejected. “Okay,” came the whispered reply.

“Okay?”

“Okay," Jason confirmed. "I can be patient, as long as you’re trying.” A sob escaped the brunette as he was pulled into a strong embrace. He enjoyed the warmth of the arms surrounding him, relieved he was still welcome. After a few moments, he felt more than heard Jason sigh. “It might help if I tell you about Luc.”

“Luc?” Corey pulled back, and peered up at Jason’s pained expression. “Who’s Luc?”

“Luc was my karma,” he answered with a bitter sounding laugh.

Corey stayed silent, waiting for Jason to continue. He could tell from his tone this memory was a difficult one.

“Luc owned… still owns I suppose… a popular restaurant in downtown Toronto. We met a couple of few ago through mutual friends, and hit it off immediately. He was handsome and very charming. I think I was half in love with him after the first week.” Corey felt Jason shake his head, and in an effort to offer support, he stroked his hand down the blonde’s back.

“I thought we were good together. Early in the relationship we indulged in a few ménages, and went to ‘parties,’ but I hated it. I didn’t want to share him. I told him I wanted to stop, and thought he’d agreed.”

“But he didn’t,” Corey surmised. He’d personally never understood the desire to share his bed with more than one man at a time, but at this point he refused to judge Jason for experimenting.

“He said the ménages and parties would stop… and they did.” Jason’s arms tightened, pulling him closer. “We were together for almost a year before I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I loved him.” Jason snorted, and Corey could imagine him rolling his eyes. “I was so happy. I thought I’d found the man I wanted to spend my life with.”

Despite feeling a twinge of jealousy, he hated the thought of anyone hurting Jason. Turning his head, he placed a kiss on the man’s chest, trying to soothe the remembered pain. Jason rested his cheek against Corey’s hair, but didn’t continue. After several minutes Corey broke the silence. “He didn’t feel the same?” he prodded.

Jason’s laugh was humorless. “Considering I found him in the bathroom getting his dick sucked by some barely legal kid… I would say, no, he didn’t.”

Corey winced. “That must have been awful.”

Jason sighed deeply. “It wasn’t as bad as what you walked in on.”

“Jase….” Corey sat back, and placed a hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Don’t, Cor,” Jason protested, shaking his head. “I may have been young, but I knew what I was doing… I deliberately deceived Pierre, and I betrayed the trust of three important people in my life. That’s something I will regret for the rest of my life. Luc never promised me monogamy. I should have known better… shouldn't have assumed, but I was too damned caught up with the idea of being in love.” He trailed off, staring up at the ceiling.

“Oh... Jason." The lump in Corey’s throat made his voice strained.

“I didn't tell you any of this for sympathy,” Jason interrupted. “What happened with Luc is my cross to bear. I wanted you to know why I’m sure I would never betray your trust again. I've always been ashamed of what I did to Pierre, but what happened with Luc showed me how painful betrayal really is. I would never want to cause anyone else that kind of pain. If I could go back and do things over....”

Corey silenced him with a kiss. “You’ve apologized to all of us… many times. I believe you when you say you regret what happened. Please stop beating yourself up.” Corey's shame returned. "I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to apologize again… and I’m sorry for what Luc put you through.” Corey smiled, brushing his lips against Jason’s again. “But I can’t say I’m sorry he was stupid enough to let you go.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, cupping the brunette’s jaw. After the emotional overload, and lack of sleep, Corey couldn’t stop his yawn. Jason chuckled, patting his hip. “Come on. I think it’s time for bed. You’re too tired to drive home tonight, so you’re staying here.” Jason led him to the spare bedroom, but Corey hesitated at the door. “What’s wrong?”

“Umm….” He cleared his throat. “Could we… could I stay with you?” Jason’s eyebrows shot up in obvious surprise. “After everything that’s happened, I want… I need to feel close to you, even if we’re just sleeping in the same bed,” Corey admitted.

Jason nodded as a smile lit up his face. “I’d like that too.” Taking his hand, he took Corey to his room.

The space was dominated by a king sized bed with rumpled sheets... evidence of a restless night. Corey was too tired to notice much more as he sank gratefully onto the mattress. He watched as Jason walked across the room to a tall dresser, pulling out what appeared to be underwear. The handsome blonde turned, looking a little embarrassed. “I usually sleep naked,” he said with a chuckle. “… but it’s probably better if I....” He held up the boxer briefs and shrugged.

Corey laughed softly. “Yeah that might be best.” Although the thought of Jason naked made his body buzz with arousal, he knew they weren’t ready for that step.

“I’m going to change in the bathroom, and give you some privacy.” He pointed to the armoire. “There are t-shirts and shorts in the second and third drawers. You’re welcome to use whatever you need.”

After Jason left, Corey opened the drawer and pulled out the first pair of shorts he found… a comfortable looking grey fleece pair. Stripping quickly he pulled them on, and hung his clothes over the back of a nearby chair.

“Your toothbrush is still in the holder,” Jason said from behind him. He turned and his breath caught. The red boxer briefs Jason wore were form fitting, leaving very little to the imagination. Corey blinked and forced his focus up past the muscular chest to amused blue eyes.

“Thank you.”

In the bathroom Corey picked up the toothbrush. Jason had given it to him when they were snowed in, and must’ve kept it. That small gesture touched him… as if Jason kept a reminder of him, even while he was acting like an idiot. His sentimental thoughts over a toothbrush made him groan. He must be more tired than he realized. When he returned to the bedroom, he found Jason standing by the window, looking out into the dark.

“All done?” the man asked without turning around.

“Yeah.” Corey walked to the Jason, and placed a hand on his back. He turned, and Corey could see the uncertainty still lingering. “I know I’ve said this already, but I am sorry for tonight… and for the past two weeks.” He hoped the other man could see how sincere he was. “I let my fears take over, and it wasn’t fair to you.”

Jason lifted Corey’s hand, brushing his lips against the inside of his wrist. “I know. Come on, let’s get some sleep. We’re both exhausted. We can talk more when we’ve both had some rest.”

Corey nodded and followed Jason to the bed. After pulling back the blankets, he motioned for Corey to climb in. Once they were both under the covers, Corey lay on his back, unsure what to do. Jason rolled, pulling Corey to him, and tucking an arm around his shoulders. Corey snuggled in close, throwing an arm over the man’s chest and a leg over his thigh. Letting out a deep breath, he felt his tension ease, and exhaustion made his limbs heavy. The last thing he remembered before sleep finally pulled him under, was a kiss against on his forehead and a whispered, “Sleep, love.”

A huge thank you to my awesome editor and friend, Gary, who edited this chapter even though he was under the weather.     Thank you to everyone who reads and supports this story.