Tales of the Underground: Velocity - 37. Chapter 37

Under Ground Aliases

The Reaper- Jamie Free

Velocity- Elijah Warren

Gears- Jacob Palmer

Gizmo- Matty Sanders

*The boys use these to guarantee no one outside the underground finds their real identities*

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The tension in the car grew tighter than I thought possible. Eli’s words resonated in his father head as he griped the steering wheel tightly. Mrs. Warren reached over to rub his back but he nudged her away. Eli kept his eyes set on me, but I couldn’t read the emotion on his face.

“okay” his dad disappointingly mumbled “just behave in church”

After what felt like an eternity sitting in silence we finally pulled up to the big gothic building. I couldn’t help but let out a big sigh at the sight of the old building. Eli picked up on my growing discomfort and stroked my arm gently. Climbing out of that car I felt my heart return to that alarming rate it had before. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the desire to run. My fingers started to twitch on their own as it grew harder to breathe.

Eli grabbed onto my hand and yanked me along “Come on, it’ll be okay. I promise” I nodded and unwillingly followed along. As we walked into the church memories flooded my brain. I thought about all the times my mom would take me. It didn’t even have to be a Sunday. That woman loved her faith to the core. I looked over at the pew we would always sit, and my already broken mind seemed to snap even more.

I clutched onto Eli’s hand tightly “Elijah” I squeaked out between heavy breaths “I think this is too much”

Eli let me squeeze his hand as tightly as I needed to “I’m right here with you, just breathe slowly”

I saw eyes stare closely at our held hands, and even heard a few murmurs as we walked to the Warren’s usual spot. As we sat down I couldn’t help but look around rapidly at all of them. For the first time in a long time I felt vulnerable. As Eli got up from praying I latched onto his hand once more.

“It’s okay Jamie” he whispered “I’m not going anywhere, and your dads right across the way” I felt my heart fall deeper into my stomach, and found that I couldn’t get myself to find my dad in the crowd “Look who suddenly developed a conscious” Eli said realizing how his words had affected me. “What’s happened to you?”

I fell silent and stared forward at the huge wooden cross hanging from the ceiling. I couldn’t tell you how long it was before mass started, maybe it was minutes maybe it was seconds, all I knew is the second that organ started playing…well I’ve never wanted out of a situation faster. At first I felt like I was going to puke, then I felt like I was going to faint. I had to hang onto Eli just to keep myself steady while standing. This pattern continued throughout the entirety of the mass, every reading, every song, even the homily it all just seemed to trigger me the wrong way. I don’t think it was because of the religious aspect or anything, it was just a lot of noise all at once. Then on top of that the feeling of being judged. Every few seconds I saw a new pair of eyes look over at the gay couple on display, and of course that overwhelming feeling of being trapped. I could see my dad trying to peer over every few seconds to see if everything was okay with me, but I did my best to hide it all. When the mass finally ended I tugged on Eli hard to get out of there.

“Alright alright” he whispered “We can leave now. What’s got you so freaked out?”

Once more I didn’t have the words to answer, as we were making our way out the priest grabbed us.

“Oh Elijah” he called out “So this must be Jamie?” I saw him look me up and down “You must be famous around here, if I don’t hear about you from your dad I hear about you from Elijah.”

I politely smiled along with his conversation “What can we say?” Eli jumped in saving me from having to speak “He’s something special. He actually grew up coming to this church, back when Father John was the pastor.”

“Oh very nice” the priest said “Well you’ve certainly got a keeper here in Elijah. He’s as smart as they come. Not to mention he meets the meaning behind his name.” I nodded politely to show I understand what he meant “Oh so you’re familiar with the gospel?” I looked over at Eli and took a breath, acknowledging that I had walked right into this conversation.

“Yup” I said finally speaking “Eli’s name means The Lord is my God, the prophet Elijah was loyal and strong. He was there to teach us we can all do great things no matter what tragedies enter our life.”

“Impressive” the priest said surprised by my answer “No wonder you’re so big on him Elijah. I hope to see you here again next Sunday” he finished, shaking my hand.

I politely shook back, and began my hasty exit once again. “Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad.” Eli pushed

“No, it wasn’t. That’s not why I’m like this.” I answered starting to get frustrated with his lack of understanding.

“Then why? What’s going on?”

“For the last time, I don’t know. I just can’t explain it” I tried my best not to snap at him “Like I said I feel like everything’s collapsing around me”

He rubbed my back and we made our way to the car. The ride back to his house was dead silent. Every now and then I could see Mr. Warren watch us from the mirror, but he never dared to say anything. When we arrived at their house he quickly made his way to his squad car, and announced he was going off to work. The 3 of us made our way to the house before me and Eli tried to run upstairs

“Boys” Mrs. Warren called out “Remember the door stays open if you’re gonna be in the bedroom.”

“We know mom!” Eli yelled back

“And don’t forget you’ve got a game tonight!” she reminded him

I let the weight of my body fall onto Eli’s bed and watched as he shut the door halfway before joining me. He laid on his side to face me, but I stayed laid out on my back.

“If you can’t find the words for it just say the thoughts that are popping into your head.” Eli pushed. I knew he wasn’t going to let off until he had his answers.

“There aren’t any thoughts. It’s like smoke…or like white noise… like static” I answered still struggling with how to phrase it “It’s like I don’t know what to think, as if you left a radio between stations.”

“Well when did you start feeling like this? Is it because of what you did last night?” Why did I have to date such a persistent little bastard?

“No, that doesn’t bother me.” I shamefully admitted “It probably should but it doesn’t, and maybe the fact that it doesn’t bother me is what’s bothering me. Then on top of that I freaked out at both Jess and my dad, they just wanted to help why did I have to do that? Then on top of that I keep putting you in these terrible situations!”

“Don’t worry about me” Eli said cutting me off

“How can I not?” I said starting to get agitated “Am I supposed to just ignore all the danger I’ve put you in, or the worry I’ve put you through?

“Jacob was right last night. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to dating you. I agreed to be a part of all of this” He said beginning to stroke my hair

“No you didn’t” I retaliated pushing his hand away “You got dragged into it. Everyone I love has been, or will be soon enough. I can barely protect myself, how am I supposed to protect all of you?”

“What are you saying?” he asked trying to get closer to me

“That maybe it’s time to stop fighting it all. Maybe I should be done. My dad said if I get a real job we could find a way to make it work, even if it was at a minimum wage job.” I finally admitted

“Are you okay with that?” the closer he tried to get the more I kept pushing him away

“I don’t know…I don’t think so. I don’t want to be done, I like racing. I’m losing myself in it all, but that’s a sacrifice I can handle. I can’t handle the idea that I’m sacrificing you guys for it” I felt the uncertainty of the situation push more into my crammed brain “And to top it all off, I don’t understand this storm inside my head. I don’t want to feel it anymore. I just want it to be gone, all of this. I want to be that happy boy on the ice playing hockey with his best friend again.”

“That boy is gone” Eli said reaching out and putting his arms around me “If it makes you feel better, I love the guy who’s in front of me right now.”

“Well I don’t” I muttered

“Do you think you’re getting depressed?” I could tell by his tone that Eli had to force the question out of his mouth.

“No, don’t be dumb. Guys can’t get depressed” I argued trying to break loose of his grip

“You’re so stupid Jamie. Guys can get depressed, it happens all the time! This, what you’re talking about, it sounds like the beginning of depression. You’re tired of repeating the same action and getting a bad result. So change your actions. Maybe it is time to stop racing. Getting a job won’t be that bad, I can come visit, and our nights will free up” he said starting to get flirty

I felt a rush of anxiety over come me and started breathing heavily again. Eli must have felt my heart race speed up because he popped up. “Eli, I need fresh air.”

“Relax relax” he instructed “Just breathe with me in…out…in…out….in…out….in…out” Eli climbed over me and started undoing my shirt and pants.

“Stop, what are you crazy?” I blurted out

“Watch yourself Free” he commanded “It’s not like that, you need to get out of tight clothes.” I let him take off my button up shirt and pants. He rummaged through his draw before finding a pair of short for me to put on. “Is that better?”

“I guess” I said finally able to get comfortable

He slowly cuddled up next to me “Good, let’s take a nap. We’ll talk more when we wake up.” He placed his head on my chest and refused to move it “Sleep Jamie…I love you”

“I love you too” I mumbled

I closed my eyes but couldn’t sleep. After a few minutes of restlessness I opened my eyes back up and looked down at the kid sprawled out on me. We’ve come so far together. To him this isn’t a big challenge it’s just another part of our story. I ran my hand through his soft blond hair, and listened to his calm breathing. He really was cute when he slept, every now and then his eye would twitch, and he would try to readjust. I placed one of my arms around him and held on tightly. I closed my eyes and finally was able to doze off.

I didn’t dream of anything, or maybe I did and just can’t remember it, but when I woke up I was in a panic. I tried to shift away, but I couldn’t get Eli off of me.

“Babe” he groaned trying to go back to sleep “What’s the matter?”

I tried to push him away, but he only held on tighter “I need to get out”

“No you don’t” he argued “Just breathe, it will pass. Freaking out is only going to make it worse.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” I cried out in fear

“Let it hit you.” He answered confidently

“Are you crazy?” I could feel the panic growing worse by the second

“Breathe Jamie Breathe” He gripped onto my arm tightly “What’s that line from that song you like? Don’t try to fight the storm, you’ll tumble overboard?”

“Yeah” I answered remembering the Bring Me the Horizon quote. I took a breathe, closed my eyes and let it all collapse on top of me. At first the feeling of panic prevailed, I squirmed and squeaked but Eli didn’t break his grip. Slowly the panic faded and it felt like a blanket of numbness covered my mind. The anxiety, and internal screams turned into a quiet sadness. A sadness I had only felt once before, a sadness I had spent the past few years running from. I calmly stared at the ceiling above us, and lost myself in contemplation.

“Better?” Eli asked finally letting me go

“No, just different” I mumbled. I felt like I needed to cry, but nothing came out. Everything in my mind was numb. The feeling of sadness wasn’t the type you see in movies, it wasn’t poetic or romantic. There was no feeling of being saved. Just a quiet flat line, and yet under it all was a cleansing feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I would trade anything to get out of this mindset, yet maybe it’s what I needed before I could move on from all of this.

Sometimes I guess you just have to be ripped down before you can build yourself up again. I can’t carry on the way I have been. Sure, I can handle it, but the people I love can’t. It’s time to stop being selfish and using my sisters as an excuse. This week is my last week of racing.

Jamie Free will soon finally be free I thought to myself.