Fractions for fun - 4. Elixir

Sounds of soft voices and the sputtering of the coffee maker coaxed Troy out of his sleep. The muted conversation surprised him, since they usually didn’t have guests this early in the morning. Especially not on Christmas Day.

“Must be one of Jason’s morning shows.” Turning over in the bed, Troy fought the urge to fall back to sleep. The pillow was soft and comfortable, the duvet just the right temperature. He really should get up, though. His husband would be waiting. After last night, there was no telling what his mood would be.

Troy stretched and let his limbs come to life gradually. Taking stock of his overall condition, he was surprised to find himself feeling pretty good. Not as hungover as expected. He stared at the ceiling, feeling strangely empty. What had happened last night?

The day before had been spent last minute shopping for gifts. He had made plans with Jason to meet for dinner and then have an early night, to wake rested for the Christmas celebration. Troy had actually been looking forward to a quiet evening. At least until Dermot called.

“Hey man, we’re going to Elixir. They have that killer pre-Christmas thing tonight.” There was no mistaking Dermot’s excitement.

“I can’t. Jason and I are staying in…” As the words left his mouth, Troy already knew he had lost the battle. The Elixir parties were legendary and he quickly convinced himself a proper party before the quiet of Christmas was just what he needed.

As usual, they were going to spend Christmas day visiting Jason’s parents and then his mother. At the thought of seeing his mother, Troy felt the slight but ever-present pang of longing. Their family wasn’t complete and hadn’t been for years. Not since he was five and his dad died just before Christmas. Not that they talked about it. Talking about feelings wasn’t his mother’s thing. She was all about moving forward, getting on with life. So, he had lived with an undefined ache buried deep inside and no one to really talk to about it.

“I was thinking we could go to Elixir tonight.” Troy’s casual mention of a change in plans over dinner did not go down well.

“But we were going to watch a movie?” Jason looked up from his food; his eyes tinted with a blend of reproach and hurt, all too common these past few months.

“But it’ll be a while before we see everyone again. Not until New Year’s. Just a quick drink…”

“You never have just one quick drink.”

The quiet accusation made Troy bristle.

“I just want to have some fun. We’re supposed to be young and enjoy life. Not sit at home like some octogenarians.” The words came out harsher than intended, but he felt under attack.

“I’m staying in. I’m way too tired to go out. These past few weeks have been exhausting.” Jason purposely picked up his phone and began tapping the screen.

Troy sighed. They‘d had this conversation one time too many lately. He knew Jason was right. He was partying too often, too hard. Not that he had a drinking problem.

He looked at Jason and knew the man was the love of his life. They had the rings to prove it. Even talked about kids. Someday, maybe. Life had just felt too pre-determined, too confined. He didn’t actually want out, did he? Maybe he just wanted something different, something other than what he had. Maybe something was missing. Maybe he was just bored.

When he was out at night, the feeling of being alive, present, was so strong he wanted more. He felt free. Of what? He couldn’t really tell. Could he be having a midlife crisis? But those were supposed to happen at 50, right? He was far from 50. Sometimes he felt ancient, though. Ever the dutiful husband, employee, friend. There was life left in him and he wanted to show the world. Or maybe show himself. There must be more to life than this.

Their conversation ended as so many times before in quiet disagreement. Neither one of them wanted to argue; even though Troy sometimes thought a fight was just what they needed. Not that night, though. They finished their meal and after a perfunctory kiss on Jason’s cheek, they parted ways and Troy joined Dermot and the gang at Elixir.

The evening followed the usual pattern. A few beers, some shots, a turn on the dancefloor. When his head started spinning, Troy sat down at the bar alone and asked the bartender for a bottle of water. Sipping the cool liquid, he watched the throng of people move before him. The image of an anthill came to mind. Were they no more than ants, bustling about with little or no meaning?

Troy sighed. This was nothing new. His pensive mood often struck at Christmas time. He had learned to accept it and not overanalyze his state of mind. Still, the thoughts gnawed at him. Where was he headed in life?

“Is this seat taken?”

A warm breath against his ear brought him back to the loud bar. He glanced to his left and stared right into a pair of pale grey eyes. The man was undoubtedly handsome. Tall, short dark hair, in his late 20s. The playful smile on his lips told Troy the man was definitely looking for something. Or rather someone.

It would be so easy to give in, to let himself be swept away by the moment. A bit surprisingly, without even the slightest hesitation, he knew he didn’t want to.

“No. I’m just taking a break from dancing to text my husband.”

The guy nodded and the fading smile told Troy he had gotten the message. He had to admit being approached was an ego boost, even if it left him feeling slightly dirty. Troy turned back to his bottle of water and let his gaze return to the dance floor. Why had he been so adamant about going out? He wasn’t even enjoying himself. It was just the same cycle of drinking and feeling bad for drinking as too many times before. What was he looking for when what he really needed was right at home?

This restless search for something, someone had haunted him for most of his life. A therapist friend had once suggested he was looking for his father. Initially, Troy had found the idea ridiculous, but now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe he was looking for himself. Who could help find him? Wouldn’t the answer be Jason?

He glanced over his shoulder at the bar and saw the countless bottles lining the wall. All desire for a drink was gone. Wasn’t change supposed to require hitting rock bottom? He was pretty sure this wasn’t anywhere near the actual bottom, but perhaps you don’t always have to go there. It was obvious he needed to get a grip on his life and stop being the idiot who kept hurting Jason. Question was if he could do it. Or was it too late? Had the void within grown too large? He only knew right then that he had to try.

Troy got off the bar stool to go home.

“One for the road?” A bartender Troy didn’t recognize had appeared behind the counter. The man held out a small vial, jiggling it gently. “The rarest vintage. A one of a kind elixir. Drink it, and be transported to the holiday memory of your dreams.”

The man smiled. He was obviously joking. Nonetheless, Troy was intrigued.

“What is it?”

“A new speciality we’re offering selected guests. I got the feeling you could need it.” The smile on the other side of the bar was an honest smile and not the expected seductive one. “I guarantee you will enjoy it and it won’t give you a hangover. Might even help the one you’ll have tomorrow.”

After a few moments hesitation, Troy shrugged his shoulders and grabbed the small flask. He put it to his lips and emptied the contents in one go. The liquid was smooth but spicy, the taste difficult to recognize. The slight burn going down was not unpleasant, though Troy usually stayed away from hard liquor. He reached for his wallet, but the bartender held up a hand.

“No need. As I said, on the house. Just make the most of it!”

With that, the man turned and walked away, leaving a puzzled Troy behind. Had he done something stupid? But Elixir was a reputable bar, not some sleazy dump.

Troy headed home. When he quietly slipped inside their apartment, he glanced at his cellphone to see the time. 2.27 AM. Much later than one drink. Jason had been right. Again. At least, his inebriation seemed to have vanished on his walk home.

As he toed off his shoes, he looked into their living room. The Christmas tree with its soft lights twinkled in the corner. He remembered decorating it together some days earlier. The smile on Jason’s face had been happier than he’d seen in a long time. Troy suddenly felt he could see things so much clearer. He was an idiot and had been for quite a while. He had to end his restless and evasive behavior or he would lose Jason. The thought of acknowledging commitment issues, even to himself, made him snort softly. Maybe this was growing up.

He crawled into bed next to his sleeping husband, but decided against snuggling up to him. He needed to apologize first. Falling asleep he felt a strange sensation, as if a wave of warmth moved over his skin. Before his mind could decide to investigate, he was lost to the world of dreams.

In the soft morning light, he lay there, gathering his thoughts about how to ask his probably moody husband for forgiveness. Deciding there was no sense in putting it off any longer, he got up. Dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he padded barefoot into the kitchen. His morning brain jolted awake when he saw a man standing at their kitchen counter next to Jason. From behind, the man was strangely familiar, but his brain refused to take it in. It was simply impossible.

“Dad…?”

The man at the counter turned, hands in the air as if trying to avoid touching anything.

“Oh, you’re finally up!” A broad smile spread across his face. “Jason wanted to wake you, but I thought we’d have all the time in the world today. Better have you rested. I’d hug you, but I don’t want to get you all messy.”

Troy stared, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to get his mind in working order.

“What are you doing here? You’re…”

“Terribly early, I know. I just wanted to avoid last year’s bird disaster and get this beauty in the oven ASAP.” The man stepped aside, showing Troy the bird he was preparing.

“Abner gave me quite the surprise. You know how my brain is pre-coffee.” Jason held up his cup. “All better now.”

Troy lost his ability to speak again. His father had been gone for 30 years. Why was he suddenly here, in their kitchen, very much alive? And Jason didn’t even think it strange.

“Making the headlines today is the joint holiday celebration in Jerusalem, honoring the peace treaty signed earlier this year.”

The surprising news from the TV broke Troy out of his confusion. Suddenly, he remembered the unfamiliar bartender, the strange drink and his odd sensation before falling asleep. “The holiday memory of his dreams”? Wasn’t that what the man had said? So, this was a dream. It felt so real, but nothing else made sense.

“There, son. All washed up and ready to hug.”

Wrapping themselves around each other, Troy breathed in the scent of his father. It surprised him he recognized it immediately. It was the scent of coming home. Those arms felt smaller, less all-encompassing. Then again, last time they hugged he’d been five years old. He didn’t want to let go, but he could feel the man stirring.

“Ok, ok. Enough of that. Need to get on with preparations.” The man went over to the fridge to pull out ingredients for the next dishes.

Troy turned to Jason. In his husband’s eyes he saw the remaining pain from last nights argument. It hurt to know he put it there.

“I’m so sorry for last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” The apology was no more than a whisper, but Troy put emphasis on the words.

“It’s ok.” Jason shrugged.

“No, it’s not. I realized last night I’ve got to change.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Jason’s words hit him like a punch to the gut. They were true, though. He had made that promise before, several times. There was no reason for Jason to believe him this time.

“I know. And I’ll show you this time it’s different.”

Jason simply nodded, obviously not convinced.

“Hey, are you two going to stand over there whispering all day? A man could use a little help over here!”

After an exchange of looks, as if to say “We’ll do this later”, Troy and Jason joined Abner in fixing their Christmas dinner. The kitchen turned messier and messier, but their moods got ever higher. Troy snuck in a bit here and there as substitute breakfast.

When they were done, they all cleaned up and decided to go for a walk. Troy walked beside the other two, feeling as if he was merely observing what was happening and not actually participating. Jason and Abner chatted away, not talking about anything in particular. Hearing his father’s voice and seeing him so close instead of in his hazy childhood memories filled Troy with a sense of calm.

His father reached out and patted his shoulder.

“It’s so nice to spend time together, with no bigger plans than dinner later. You guys work so hard and are so busy. We barely have time to keep in touch. But I wouldn’t hold it against you if you wanted to go on a trip somewhere, just the two of you.”

Troy smiled and gave his father a half-hug, squeezing his shoulders.

“I miss your mother most at this time of year.” The older man sighed. “You know you are the same age as she was when she…”

Troy swallowed and nodded. He hadn’t realized, but it was true. Only he was the same age his dad had been.

“Much too young to leave us.” Abner discreetly wiped his eyes. “Anyway, I’m glad I’m not alone today.”

“I can’t think of a better way to spend Christmas.” Troy had to clear his throat to get the words past the lump lodged in there.

Out of the corner of his eye, Troy noted the small smile on Jason’s face. A smile that seemed more genuine than in a long time. It reaffirmed his resolve to make changes. To be a better husband than he had been lately.

When the chill drove them back inside, they made some mulled wine and settled in the living room. The pale daylight set a quiet mood and the twinkling tree added a homey feel. After turning on the TV, they settled on a Christmas movie. Which one didn’t really matter. It was the feeling from the familiar they wanted. Troy was almost overwhelmed by the feeling of comfort. Comfort and joy. Wasn’t that how the carol went? So very true, he thought to himself.

Eventually, their stomachs drove them into the kitchen to make the final preparations. The bird was smelling delicious and it would be the natural centerpiece of the table. Troy could tell his dad was very pleased with himself, maybe from the simple joy of cooking for your child.

Dinner was had with more quiet but heartfelt conversation. Troy caught himself staring at the man sitting across from him. As if he was trying to get as much out of this experience as possible. It might be a dream, but getting adult memories of his father was worth the eventual pain of waking up.

Just as they got ready to leave the table, Jason leaned in and put his lips close to Troy’s ear.

“You go sit in the living room and talk. I’ll clean up.”

Troy smiled at him and ushered his dad out of the kitchen, each with a fresh beer in hand. They collapsed on the couch, both men filled to capacity. They sat for a while, sipping their drinks. Troy tried to find the right thing to say, but he found spoken words weren’t necessary. They flowed between them anyway.

His father stirred next to him, sitting up to face him.

“I know I don’t have to say this, but I feel I need to. You never know when you suddenly don’t have that chance anymore.” Abner paused for a few moments, as if gathering his thoughts. “I want you to know how proud I am of the man you’ve become.”

“Dad…” Troy felt eyes moisten.

“Sure, you’re not perfect. Jason didn’t want to say anything, but I could tell last time you were home things weren’t all roses and sunshine. I’m happy to see you two in a better place today.”

“I’ve been a fool lately.”

“Just remember to be careful of the heart that man has entrusted you with. Fight for what you have. It’s not easy, but it kept your mom and I together for the years we were given. And even now, I feel her love from afar.” Abner stroked his son’s head, making Troy feel five years old again.

The men fell silent again.

“So, what about some presents?” Jason practically bounced into the room. Troy smiled. His husband had always been a sucker for gifts. Not the actual content, but more the act of giving and the anticipation. Before he had the chance to wonder if he had bought any gifts, Jason dove under the tree and retrieved the gifts. He had apparently gotten something for his dad.

They weren’t in the habit of giving each other extravagant gifts, but Troy was pleased to see the happiness on his husband’s face as he tried on his new watch. He in turn found he looked forward to the weekend stay at a romantic B&B. It seemed they had both been thinking about how to break their marriage out of its current slump. Even though Troy felt he was the one to blame.

Troy and Abner chuckled when they realized they had given each other the same brand of woolly socks. Cold feet apparently ran in the family. It felt strange yet relaxed to sit there next to each other, wiggling their toes.

The evening was drawing to a close. Troy suspected the dream would end as he went to bed. Part of him was saddened, but the sadness was overshadowed by the joy of seeing his dad again. To hear his voice, to look into his eyes, to touch him. It would all be memories he would carry with him. He didn’t care if they weren’t real. Who was to say what was real or not? Christmas had been celebrated for centuries based on the idea of a guy born all those years ago. No one could say what was real or not, but who cared? The idea of Christmas didn’t rely on the historically accurate, but rather the feeling it invoked. So Troy concluded he didn’t care if this day was only a dream. It was a beautiful dream and that was good enough. It sure felt real enough as they hugged goodnight.

As Troy and Jason lay down in bed, Jason snuggled up to him.

“I love the watch. Thank you.“

“I’m looking forward to our trip.” Troy gave his husband a kiss. “I meant what I said before. I will make changes. I don’t want to lose the most important person in my life.”

Jason blushed, but didn’t say anything. He sighed contentedly and curled up to sleep. Troy watched him drift off and felt his own eyelids start to close. Just before sleep pulled him under, a cool sensation drifted across his skin.

Troy opened his eyes. From the kitchen, he heard faint sounds of talking voices. His heart leapt, until he recognized the voices as those of the morning TV show hosts. Sighing, he sank back on the pillow.

The door opened slowly and Jason peeked in.

“You up?”

“Yes. Come here, babe.” He patted the bed beside him. Jason lay down next to him, almost hesitant. It hurt to see him like that. Troy reached out and drew him into a hug. The feeling of his husband melting against his side was much better.

“I’m so sorry for last night.”

“Troy…”

“No, I need to say this. I suddenly realized what I was doing, how I was hurting you, hurting us. I have been looking for something, and like an idiot I never even knew it was right here.” Troy kissed the top of Jason’s head. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘What will be different now?’ And I don’t blame you. All I can do is prove it to you by actually changing.”

They lay in silence for a few moments, breathing in the calm after a resolved fight.

“You should get up. We have to get going. Our families are expecting us.” Getting out of bed, Jason rose up on his elbow. With a hand on his arm, Troy stopped him.

“Do you think I could go see Dad?”

Jason stared at him, seemingly unsure of how to answer.

“I thought we could get some flowers and stop by the cemetery.”

“Of course we can, sweetie.”