The Hidden Ones: Resurrection - 21. Teddy's Drug

---Ryder---

As I felt Teddy wrap around me I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. My heart may not be ready for sex, but at least I can still enjoy the little things. At least I can fall asleep next to him. At least I have him next to me. I can’t help but wonder how fast anyone else would’ve given up on me. Substance problems, health issues and severe depression and anxiety, yet his will hasn’t once wavered. When you were a teenager you told me your name means God’s gift. Well now I know without a doubt you are.

As his alarm began to sound I couldn’t help but happily roll off of him and to my own corner of the bed. “Ryder,” He softly spoke, starting to gently shake me.

“I don’t have therapy today.” I groaned.

“I know, but oversleeping isn’t good for you.” He continued, trying his hardest to get me out of bed. “It’s six-thirty now. If I let you sleep you have to promise to get up at eight.”

“I promise.” I muttered, barely even coherent.

He let out a small laugh but set another alarm for me anyway. “And no spending all day in our room. Go downstairs and help Oli or watch T.V. with my dad.”

“Okay.” I mumbled, finally looking up at him. “Good luck at work today, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He smiled and quickly gave me a kiss before quietly escaping out of the room. Every now and then he would dart back in to grab something but for the most part he tried to disturb me as little as possible.

************************************************************************************

As eight finally rolled around I forced myself out of bed and down stairs. “You look like death.” Harry teased as I laid back on the couch. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I forced out, staring at the news station on T.V. “It’s just early.”

“At least you got to sleep in.” He shrugged. “I don’t even work and I have to get up at six with the rest of them.”

“I used to sleep in until three, get ready for a concert, play it and then be up all night.” I said in a tired voice. “Six was practically my bed time.”

“Well welcome to a new routine.” He laughed as my old band logo suddenly flashed onto the T.V. screen. He went to change the channel but I quickly waved for him to leave it.

“In Pop Culture news, Messiah Bassist Brandon Sewart has now confirmed singer Ryder Sullivan’s recent string of medical woes is in fact due to a suicide attempt.” The news anchor announced. “In the shocking short online video we see Sewart nearly break into tears as he discusses the matter. Viewer Discretion is advised.”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the warning. I guess we’re at least being cautious about the subject, but why the hell would Brandon say anything without asking me? I’m going to ring his neck.

“Hey everyone.” Brandon gulped, as the video began to play. “I just wanted to thank all the Messiah fans out there for your messages of hope and love. I know that Ryder really appreciates them. Unfortunately he did try and kill himself,” Brandon sighed, holding back emotions. “I-I needed to get that out there. I need you all to know he’s human too, and it’s not fair to call him a (bleep) for it. He’s out there getting the help he needs, and I hope you can all learn from his mistake. It’s never too late to call for help.” He shook his head as I saw sadness peak in his eyes. “And if you think you see the warning signs in your friends, well, don’t be afraid to make that call for them. I know I wish I would’ve. Ryder if you’re watching this, you’re my brother and I love you. Get better soon, the music world needs you.”

I couldn’t help but exhale a deep breath as the video cut out and the news anchor reappeared on the T.V. “Sullivan, thirty-one, has now struggled with his health since the heavy metal band’s end earlier this year. Resources for mental health help can be found on the band’s website and social media pages.”

Harry slowly turned to me as they transitioned into the next story. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged as the video replayed in my head. “Maybe Brandon did it for attention.”

“Maybe.” Harry sighed. “But I don’t think so. I think he wants you to know he supports you, and wants your fans to know you’ll be okay.”

“So I shouldn’t be angry?” I asked, trying my hardest to sort through my feelings. He just put my medical news on display for the world to see, but at the same time he did it for our fans. For the people we’ve always called family.

“I can’t tell you how to feel.” Harry shook his head. “And no matter how you feel, it’s okay, you deserve to feel that way.”

“I feel like I need more time in peace and quiet to get better.” I began, mulling it over in my head. “But I also feel like I need the fans to know I’m okay. Should I make a video too?”

“That’s up to you.” He answered. “I really wish I could help, but I don’t know what it’s like to be a rock star. I don’t know what it’s like to have millions and millions of fans. This, it’s a decision you’ll have to make for yourself.”

I carefully thought over all the different shows I’ve played, and all the different people I’ve met. All those fans I told it’ll get better, to just hang on for a little longer. Did I lie to them? Did I make suicide look okay? Did I make it cool to quit? Will there be copy cats?

“I-I need to make a video.” I gulped realizing the example I had set.

“Are you certain?” Harry asked, staring deeply into my eyes.

“I, yeah,” I quickly nodded. “I need to set a better example. I need fans to know I’m okay.”

“Then let’s do this.” He smiled, shutting off the T.V. and pulling out his phone.

“I, um, okay.” I said with a shake of my head. “But what do I even say?”

“Whatever comes to your mind.” Harry encouraged. “Speak from your heart, they’ll listen. I promise.”

“Okay.” I nervously sighed as he directed his phone towards me. “Wait! Wait!” I yelped before he could start recording. “Do you even know how to post it?”

“I thought you would know that.” He replied before looking over towards the stairs. “Oliver!” He called out causing a familiar sound of running to sound through the house.

“What?” He nervously exhaled with guilt on his face.

“I don’t even want to know what you were up to.” Harry sighed as Oli quickly made his way down the stairs. “We need you to help us make and post a video online.”

“You don’t know how to do that Ryder?” Oli asked with a roll of his eyes.

“No.” I shamefully admitted. “People used to do it for me.”

Oli shook his head but took his phone from his dad anyway. “Why are you making a video anyway?”

“Brandon told everyone what happened so I figured I should show the fans I’m okay.” I shrugged. “That’s a good idea right?”

“Probably.” Oli shrugged. “People have been freaking out online for weeks.”

“And you didn’t’ tell me?!” I demanded, starting to stare him down.

“Teddy said not to stress you out.” He defended in a low voice. “Geez, someone’s in a mood.”

“Just, take the damn video.” I groaned as my nerves began to pump.

“Well do you want a video or a live stream?” Oliver asked, taking a seat on the table across from me.

“Video.” I shook my head. “No one needs to see me live, and make sure there’s nothing in the background that gives away where we are.”

“Diva.” Oliver commented standing up and placing some photos face down. As he finally returned to the table he quietly counted down the numbers with his fingers.

“Hey, this is Ryder Sullivan, I um,”

“Wait,” Oli interrupted. “I missed the button.” He giggled, seeing the frustration mount on my face. “And they already know who you are. You don’t need to reintroduce yourself, that’s like,”

“Go back upstairs Oliver.” I groaned. “Me and Harry will figure it out.”

“No! I can do it!” He quickly insisted. “I’ll be quiet, I promise!”

Before I could say anything else he quickly began to count down his fingers. “Hey everyone.” I began staring right into the camera. “So I, this is going to be hard.” I exhaled, but Oliver waived for me to keep going. “Like Brandon already said I-I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.” I gulped. “It was stupid, and I was in a really dark place, I still kind of am. But I’m trying my hardest to work on it. I’m trying my hardest to get back to music.” I shook my head and let out another deep breath. “If you feel the way I do, if you can relate in anyway, go get help. Words don’t express the regret I felt before I passed out that night. I, the second before everything started to black out, well I wanted to take it all back.”

I hesitated and felt my eyes begin to drift before I finally put them back to the camera. “I’m lucky I survived. I’m lucky I’m still alive. Life, it’s a gift. Even when it gets dark, being alive, it’s so fucking amazing. You may not see that right now, but trust me, it is. Brandon, I know we’ve been fighting, and I know I don’t say it often but I love you and the guys too. I love all of you Messiah fans who left me messages online. And to those of you who waited outside my hospital, thank you, I saw you and I appreciate it. I can’t promise a lot right now, but I promise I’ll get better. I promise I’m with people who love me. I promise that I’ll find the light again. But for now, I just have to be a regular person. Thank you, I love you.”

I nodded as Oliver quickly put the phone down. “That was awesome!” He shouted, as the last of my energy left me in a breath. “You nailed it on the first take!”

“Yeah.” I nodded as I fully fell back into the couch.

“Okay, so just sign into your facebook and we’ll,”

“Woh, woh,” Harry quickly let out, jumping to his feet as the color vanished from my face and my vision began to blur. “Go grab him water! Quickly! Quickly!” He ordered as my vision slowly came back to me.

“I’m okay.” I forced out in a breath. “I’m okay.”

“It’s okay not to be.” Harry comforted as Oliver handed me a glass of water.

“What happened?” Oli let out as concern soaked his voice.

“I-I don’t know.” I stuttered, gripping onto the side of the couch.

“You started running before you could walk.” Harry explained, looking at both me and his son. “Talking about something like that, it’s not easy. And Ryder, maybe your mental strength wasn’t quite ready for it yet.”

“You’re gonna be okay though right?” Oli asked as concern coated his voice.

“I, yeah.” I nodded. “I just need a few minutes.”

“But Teddy’s not here.” Oli insisted, looking from me to his dad. “Should I call him?”

“I don’t think you need to do that.” Harry comforted. “His heart rate didn’t seem to spike so let’s not worry Teddy. I think you and I can hold it down on this end.”

“Yeah.” I agreed, forcing my hand out and patting Oliver on the side. “I’m okay.” I felt a genuine smile cross my face at the sound of his concern. I have people who care about me. I have people who want me to be healthy. And on top of all of that, Oliver wanted to get Teddy. Oliver knew he’s the one who can help me. He doesn’t admit it, but he sees his brother as successful. He sees his brother for the amazing doctor he is.

Eventually I did feel well enough to help Oliver post the video to my social media pages. It wasn’t perfect, but it needed to be said. I, I can’t risk the idea of copy cats now that the truth is out there. I mean, there are still people who kill themselves because Kurt Cobain did, and that was in the 1990s! I-I don’t know if I can live with myself if I see teenagers starting to hang because of a stupid choice I made. It wasn’t easy but my fans deserve the truth. They deserve to know I’m okay. They deserve a real idol for once.

*************************************************************************************

When Teddy finally got home he had a million questions about the video but laid off until I was ready to talk about it. I think under it all he was proud of me. Proud that I had tried to take a stand for myself and my fans. That I had finally taken an initiative in the right directions.

And as much as those words sound like fluff. Like total bullshit just to try and get good P.R. Well, I was talking from my heart like Harry told me to. I meant those words. It’s hard to admit, but the second I felt my life fading, I regretted it. I saw flashes of my teenage years. Flashes of laughing with Teddy. Flashes of joking around with Blake and Liz. And now that I finally have him back, now that I might finally get them back, I understand what a gift this all is. How much I need to start appreciating it.

Teddy shot me a cautious look as he felt my eyes on him. “Are you sure you can handle this?” He asked as we pulled into the parking lot of a local pizza joint. “This isn’t going to be too much?”

“I’ll be fine.” I smiled. “If anything seeing everyone again, it’ll help. I need to start making amends.”

Teddy reluctantly nodded his head and threw it in park. “If you need to get out of there, just let me know, and we’re gone.”

“Okay, okay.” I couldn’t help but giggle seeing how worried he was. It’s a good thing he wasn’t there when I made the video! We would’ve had two people passing out!

I threw my hood over my head as we slowly left our car and joined a couple standing idol in the distance. “Blake, Liz,” Teddy nervously began as we approached. “You both know Ryder.”

“Hey.” I forced out, taking a long look at them. Liz looks just as beautiful as ever. Sure, she never had that classic look of beauty that people throw on magazines, but who the fuck does? Her stomach was forced out and round showing that she was in the last few weeks of her pregnancy. But most importantly, she still stood tall and proud, showing she was that strong woman I knew.

Suddenly Blake grabbed her hand as she wound it back. “Liz! No!” Blake scolded, refusing to let his wife go. “Play nice.”

“Play nice.” She mocked, breaking free and lightly slapping him across the face. “That’s for stopping me.”

“No, no, no.” Teddy quickly forced out, sliding in front of me. “His hearts too weak for your bullshit.”

I took a step back as a hand flew in front of me and caught Teddy across the face. “That was for you.” She warned staring me down.

“What the fuck Liz?” Teddy angrily let out, starting to rub his cheek. “You can’t just keep slapping people!”

“Tell me about it.” Blake groaned, raising a hand to his own cheek.

“And don’t think I didn’t see you step out of the way.” Teddy warned, looking back at me.

“You said my hearts too weak.” I shrugged taking a look at where she had hit.

“You know that’s an excuse!” He frustratedly admitted, and before I knew it I felt five fingers slam across my face.

“Shit!” I yelped as a painful stinging began to take over. “What the hell is happening right now?!”

“You’re all idiots is what is happening.” Liz proudly stood. “Blake for supporting this. Teddy for taking you back, and you, just you.”

I let out a deep sigh as I took a longer look at her. It was easy for me to forget how much we meant to each other. I used to refer to Teddy and Blake as my best friends, but the truth was when I wasn’t texting Teddy, I was texting her. She was my best friend. She was always there for me, and I told her everything, and I mean everything.

I don’t know why we got so close so fast. Maybe I was desperate for friends. Maybe she was eager for a change of pace. But no matter what it was, I can’t ignore that I wouldn’t be where I am without her. She helped give me the confidence I needed, and just like everyone else from back there, well I pissed all over them and had the balls to call it rain.

“Can we talk?” I forced out in a sigh.

“Sure.” Teddy answered for her. “That’s why we all agreed to come today.” As the words left his mouth he began to stare down Liz, annoyed that she wasn’t taking it as serious as everyone else.

“I, um, I meant one on one.” I confessed, starting to slowly back towards the cars. “Just me and Liz.”

“No.” She quickly shook her head. “It’s bad enough Blake and Teddy dragged me here. I know you’re a big star now, and you’re probably used to getting your way, but I’m not just going to roll over and forgive you.”

“Just talk to him.” Blake let out with a clenched jaw.

“No, I’m not going to,”

“You’re being a bitch.” Blake interrupted with a shake of his head. “You slap all of us, then all he wants to do is talk and you chew him out over it? Take five fucking seconds here.”

I gulped and looked over to Teddy, but the look on his face said that this was normal for them. They’ve always been fiery and blunt with one another, but calling her a bitch. That was ballsy, even for Blake!

“Fine.” Liz grunted, stomping over to me.

“No, I, uh, It’s okay.” I quickly let out as she began to walk over to me. “We’ll all just talk when Mike gets here and,”

“You clearly wanted to talk to me.” She scolded starting to get in my face. “So let’s talk.”

“God help him.” I heard Blake remark to Teddy as we slowly grew out of their hearing range.

“I’m sorry.” I quickly began before she could say anything. “I know you’re not going to buy it. I know you think I’m bullshitting everyone here. But seriously, I was young, sick and stupid. I-I know that’s not an excuse but I don’t know what else to say.”

“How about you don’t say anything, and you just let Teddy go?” She said, not daring to hold anything back.

“I can’t do that.” I shook my head. “I-I can’t live without him. I just, I can’t. I don’t care if you think that’s selfish because you know what? He feels the same about me.”

She scoffed at my answer and rolled her eyes. “Trust me, he doesn’t need you.” She sneered. “Let me put this in terms you’ll understand. You are his drug. You are what destroys him. He’s addicted to you, but when he gets clean, well he accomplishes amazing things.” She shook her head.

“So I hold him back?” I asked in a sarcastic tone.

“Yes Ryder, you do.” She nodded her head. “You weigh him down, and worst of all, you make him weak.”

“I don’t believe that for one fucking second.” I said, starting to draw from my own strength. “Sure, I might not be perfect, but I’m there for him at the end of the day. I’m there to listen to him vent. I’m there to distract his brother and give him some peace. I’m there to hold him. I’m,”

“Except when you weren’t.” She interrupted in a sickened tone. “Did he ever tell you how bad it was after you left? Did anyone tell you how bad it was?” I fell quiet and waited for her to explain further. “He was depressed Ryder, and not just for a few weeks, for all of senior year. He quit lacrosse, and he nearly dropped out of the school presidency. I spent so many days sitting next time him as he cried in bed.” She angrily began to ball a fist as she thought it all over.

“His parents, they were too busy with Oli to see the signs. Me and Blake were all he had. We had to help build him back from the ashes.” She exhaled, looking back towards her friend. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. To see someone who was once so happy and full of life fall so far down, you can go on and on about your pain, but that doesn’t make hurting Teddy okay. And I-I’ll never forgive you for that. You were out banging whores and throwing parties while he was fucking miserable.”

I nodded my head as I finally got some light into what Teddy’s life was like after me. I went to speak but grew quiet knowing that nothing I said could make her feel better. It doesn’t matter if I thought it would help Teddy. It doesn’t matter that I never stopped loving him. For Liz I hurt him, and that, it’s unforgivable.

“I-I understand.” I exhaled shocking us both. “And I’m glad you love Teddy that much. I’m glad that, just, thank you for it all. Thank you for picking him back up. Thank you for fixing my mistakes. You never should’ve had to, and I’ll always be in your debt for that.”

She grew quiet as my words hit her. “And I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “He wasn’t the only one I left. He wasn’t the only one I hurt. I love you too Liz. You, you were my best friend. You would stay up all night texting me. You would hear me out after Teddy fell asleep. A few times I told you things I didn’t even tell him.” I confessed. “I missed Teddy like you wouldn’t believe, but I missed you too. I-I’ve met a lot of fucking people in my life, but none like you. I’m sorry I ruined our friendship.” I exhaled. “And I understand if that’s gone forever.”

“Well, well it is.” She stuttered in a nod. “I just can’t take you back the way they did. I’m sorry.”

I begrudgingly nodded my head but understood where she was coming from. Not everyone from back then is going to forgive me. Not everyone should forgive me. Sometimes when you break things, well, they just can’t be fixed. “Can we at least be civil with one another? For Teddy’s sake?”

“Yeah.” She forced out. “For Teddy, I-I can at least try and be nice, but don’t expect any favors Ryder. You won’t get them. Not from me.”

“I understand.” I sighed as we slowly walked back towards the group.

I get it. I really do. Liz, she’s a strong person. She’s a proud person. If you’re on her good side, well, she’ll give you the world, but the second you cross over to her bad side. You’re done. I crossed over to that bad side. I fucked that up. I deserve every ounce of her hatred, and it’s not fair for me to hold that against her. But at the end of the day we both love Teddy, and well do whatever it takes to make sure he’s happy. I just hope we can survive dinner without anyone else getting slapped!