Change of Heart - 44. Chapter 44

Daniel thought for a moment about how he was feeling. Raymond had just outed them and told him they were going to be parents all in one breath. He thought about how he had felt nauseous off and on during the meeting. Then that was obliterated by his overwhelming concern for Raymond. That was soon replaced by unbridled joy. As he considered each emotion it was as if he, again, sampled a bit of each one. He decided the last one was his favorite. Definitely, if he could choose from among those feelings it would be the unbridled joy of having Raymond kiss him and announce their impending parenthood. He could live in that moment of pure joy. It was a moment worth dying for.

Unfortunately, looking around his office, joy was not to be found. There were a few half-hearted smiles. But, there was a sense of anticipation and something else Daniel could not quite grasp. If anything he decided it was mostly shock with some anger, lightly seasoned with a pinch of hatred. All in all, if he could read people, he was satisfied that it could have gone much worse. He took a deep breath knowing whatever he said next was sure to stir up some shit.

Turning to Raymond, he said, “If you don't’ mind? I need you to go back to your office. Believe me, news of our baby is just as momentous for me as it is for you. But, I still have a meeting to wrap up and I think I would rather do this without you being here as a possible target, things could get ugly. I don’t think I could take them verbally abusing you. If anyone called you names, I’d lose it.”

He scanned the crowd and, again, met Raymond’s gaze. “We can have dinner at the diner. You can invite Jeff and Paul to eat with us. I’d really rather celebrate with just the two of us at home. But, I can’t have people think I have any reason to hide or anything to be ashamed of, especially when it comes to loving you.”

Raymond searched his lover’s face for any hint of a reason, a smidgen of an excuse, anything that told him he should stand beside his mate in the upcoming battle. In Daniel’s eyes, he only saw committed resolve and a silent plea to go. Raymond understood Daniel had to re-assert his leadership and he didn’t want it to look like he was using crutches of any kind to deal with his people.

A final look around and trying hard to appear sincere, he said, “That sounds like a good plan, I’ll call Jeff and Paul. You know if we don’t invite Uncle Joe and Aunt Mellie they’ll both have our heads. I’ll set it up with Miss Julie so we can get a big table right up front so everybody can see us. She doesn’t usually take reservations, but it’s Friday and we have a particularly good reason to celebrate.” There was a slight pause, then, “Ah hell, Lawman give me a kiss and I’ll go. They’re gonna see it again sooner or later, anyway.” With that, Raymond grabbed Daniel and sealed their parting with the kind of kiss any pair of spouses might share to demonstrate their bond to each other and any onlookers alike. Daniel was happy to participate. It swelled his chest with pride to realize a few short weeks ago he was mortified that someone might think of him as ‘possibly’ gay. Now, It was, ‘If they don’t like it? Fuck’em!’

After he watched Raymond leave, Daniel moved back to the front of the room. He was vaguely aware that Ilya’s men, now ‘his bodyguards’ had moved to either side of him, against opposite walls, and a little forward of his position so as to be able to launch a defensive tackle should it be needed.

Daniel took a deep breath and scanned the faces in the room. It was reassuring that the extreme scowls had softened somewhat by the questions everyone seemed to want answered. To say the tension was high would be like saying, “the ocean is wide today”. Daniel could feel it, like a thickness in the air that made normal breathing happen only with a noticeable effort.

He steeled himself and took a stance almost as if he were expecting an assailant to attack him. His feet were firmly planted with his left slightly forward and his knees slightly bent. His hands were not quite fisted and his entire body leaned just slightly forward. Even in casual repose, Daniel Lovan was a man to be reckoned with. He was definitely not in casual mode. It was clear to all, the man was ready to respond to any threat if attacked.

Daniel had already planned to be direct, forceful and in charge. He knew from experience that it was best to start out tough and then lighten up whether in a training situation or a barroom confrontation. Otherwise, he would never gain control of this bunch and most likely have to get physical.

He began, “Okay, folks, we obviously need to clear the air a bit. But, before we begin, I want to remind you that we’re all adults and professionals here, this is not junior high. I expect you to behave accordingly. I know you all have questions. I’ll answer any that are not intimate in nature. What I do in my bedroom besides sleep and with whom I do it, is none of your business.

“Now, the first thing I want to say is, a little belatedly perhaps but none-the-less, for the record, ‘I’m Gay’.”

“The main reason for this meeting today was because I wanted to tell you face-to-face that I’m gay and that I’m running for Sheriff as an openly gay man. I didn’t want to share that with only a few people and just let it spread on it’s on. We all know the kind of embellishments and outright lies that would spread right along with the truth.

“I want you to know that I had no clue that Johnson or his boy toy, Deputy Terry Pence, or preacher Claven were gay. There is no secret handshake or password that gay people use to identify other gay folks. It’s like many whites believe that Blacks all somehow know or automatically understand each other. They don’t. But, most Blacks at least have skin color to help identify each other. We, gays, have nothing. We come in all flavors from the prettily flamboyant to the extremely rugged macho kick-ass-n-take-names biker/mechanic types. We are teachers, doctors, lawyers, farm hands, factory workers and… cops. We are homeless and billionaires. It was a complete surprise to me, as I am sure it was to each of you that Johnson… well, you get the point. I don’t know of any way anyone can look at or speak to someone, male or female and determine if that person is gay or straight. It’s certainly not a disease and it’s for damn sure not contagious. There’s no medical test or psychological evaluation to determine sexual orientation. And there shouldn’t be. You don’t need to know anyone’s sexual orientation just to work with them, to do business with or to socialize with them. Anyone in this room could be gay or bisexual and no one else would know it. Hell, you can have a best friend for years and not know he was gay. That I can testify to. Sexual orientation is not an issue that needs to be discussed unless sex is involved. Sexual attraction is the only valid reason, not curiosity, not condemnation, and not camaraderie nor friendship. None of those are reasons to ask anyone about what goes on in their bedroom. Only if you are interested in sex with that person or if that person is interested in having sex with you, should either's sexual orientation become a legitimate concern. That is the main reason I never addressed my sexual orientation with any of you. I never found any of you sexually attractive enough to ask about your sexual orientation. And since no one ever asked me, I assume the feeling is mutual.

“Don’t go telling yourself, ‘I refuse to work for a gay boss or work with a gay coworker’. Besides the fact you can never really know for sure, that ship has sailed. You’ve been doing both for years, so it’s nothing new for any one of you. And, besides Johnson and Pence, you’ve all worked with me, both as a co-worker and as a boss. So, you’ve pretty much done it twice already. So, don’t pretend to be outraged at that notion.

“You’ve all seen enough of the video evidence to verify what I just said. Johnson purposefully and consistently lied to each of us about his sexual orientation. I say he “lied” because he didn’t just avoid the issue or cover up with a few little white lies. He pretended to be a homophobic asshat. All the time. He denigrated, disparaged and consistently expressed pure hatred and disgust for gays, while all the time he was fu… uh, fornicating with other gay men. He intentionally lied. As did his boy toy, former Deputy Pence, and preacher Clavin.

“You may feel anger right now. I don’t know what you feel and I certainly can’t tell you how to feel. No one can. I can tell you how not to react. This is not the 1950’s when a group of straight and or ‘supposedly straight’ men would get together at night and drag a gay man from his home and tar and feather him and then run him out of town or worse yet, lynch him. This isn’t the 1970’s when ‘gay bashing’ was a weekend sport young men engaged in to prove their masculinity and validate their heterosexuality. We all know better now. We all behave better now. Today, everybody knows that the only difference between straight people and gay people is who they love. Gays are a valid minority and deserve the same considerations and respect you would give any member of a minority or any member of the straight majority. The law applies equally to everyone.

“Treating all people with respect is a critical part of your chosen profession. Just because I’m now openly gay doesn’t mean you treat me any differently. I’m still your Sheriff and plan to be for some time to come. You don’t have to avoid me nor do you men have to hide your privates if I come into the men’s room or into the locker room.

“And I won’t tolerate any disrespect from anyone. That means no more ‘queer’ jokes in the locker room or any time within my hearing. Jokes that stereotype gays should be a thing of the past just like the signs that said, ‘Whites Only’ have been taken down and thrown away. Those hurtful jokes should also be thrown away.

“Lest any of you decide to challenge me physically, just know that this is not a gladiatorial arena. You challenge me, you lose your job and you leave with a reference that clearly states the reason for dismissal. I don’t expect anything like that to happen, but it bears mentioning. Having said that, I have occasionally enjoyed sparring at the gym with a couple of you. I expect to do so again. If you’re at the gym when I’m there, an invitation to spar will, as always, be considered. However, if your intention is to ‘kick the gay Sheriff’s ass’, you may be surprised to learn first that I boxed in the Corps and trained with a thought to trying MMA as a profession. Secondly, know that you will find yourself on my personal ‘shit list’. And that is something you do not want. So, the bottom line is, treat me with the same respect I extend to you. Treat me or anyone else disrespectfully and there will be consequences.

“I know it will take some time to digest what I’ve shared with you today. That’s part of why I chose to share this with you all on a Friday. I expect you to come in Monday morning ready to move on. Nothing has changed that requires you to make any adjustment. No procedures have changed no policies have changed, nothing directly affecting you has changed. You just received some new information. That’s all. The only change that might affect you is in your language. No more gay-bashing jokes and no more derogatory slurs or epithets. For some of you, it may be the first time you’ve knowingly worked with an openly gay individual. I would advise you to behave just as you did yesterday or the day before, because folks, nothing. I repeat! Nothing has really changed.

“Odds are you’ve worked and or associated with gay or bisexual men in the past other than Johnson and his crowd, and may be doing so right now. You. Do. Not. Know. There are a lot of closets around this county that aren’t built into homes and apartments. Some of those closets hold, husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles or cousins. Those closets hold representatives of every imaginable profession including politicians who speak against gays and preachers who engage in sex with men on Saturday and preach against them on Sunday. Preacher Cloven was sexually involved with Johnson and Pence and yet railed from his pulpit that gays were ‘an abomination and doomed to burn in everlasting hellfire’. Some of you have attended his sermons and left cash in the offering plate. You know what I say is true. Did anyone know he was gay? Probably not. You’ve all seen the videos, so you also know it’s true. My point is, don’t assume your friends, family or neighbors are totally straight.

Daniel drew in a heavy breath and released in an equally heavy sigh. “If over the weekend you decide not to work for an openly gay Sheriff, you’ll find that I will give you the same reference I would give anyone who chooses to quit under any other circumstances. There will be no mention of your reason for leaving. Your record will speak for itself.

“I know I’ve said a lot and some things you might have questions about. That’s fine. Now is the best time to ask them, try not to be embarrassed or shy, maybe other folks have the same question.

“But, before I open it up for your questions, let me enumerate my most important points. Those that I want you to take with you today.” Daniel raised his right hand, bent at the elbow, fisted with the palm facing his audience. He extended his index finger and said, in a strong, clear voice, “Number one, I’m Gay! Number two, nothing has changed. Number three, get over it and get on with your jobs and your lives.” Daniel dropped his hand and assumed the semi-aggressive posture he had held when he first began to speak.

“Now if you have questions or something to say, just be courteous and respectful to the rest of us.”

Suddenly, like someone flipped a switch, there was a low-level rumble of people talking to themselves or quietly to their neighbor and just generally shifting in their seats. The soft noise was only noticeable because of the silence that had gripped the group during Daniel’s speech and certainly for the first few moments following his final challenge to “just be courteous”.

Thirty-year-old, Deputy Tommy Lucas, raised his hand like a timid pupil, “Sheriff, I don’t have a question… Well, I guess I do. Can we take a bathroom break before the sh…, I mean, before any questions are asked? My high water alarm went off a couple of minutes ago and I need to go bad. But, I don’t wanna miss anything.” Then at a much lower volume, he added, “My wife and her Ma would have my balls for hors-d'oeuvres.”

Daniel fought back a chuckle. He could relate, but only to the ‘needing to piss part’. “Sure, that sounds like a good idea. We could all use a ten-minute break.” Randomly people began to stand and move to the door. None but his Chief Deputy approached Daniel. Partly to delay questions until everyone was formally gathered again and partly out of legitimate concern, Daniel asked, “Ben, can you get someone to check on Marlene and make sure she’s still okay out there?”

A disembodied, blue-haired voice suddenly came over Daniel’s intercom, “Danny, don’t fret about me. I’m fine. Been listenin’ in the whole time. Called your Momma too. Just so she wouldn’t worry, mind you. Told her you was doing fine and not to worry, you got things well in hand. You’re doing real good at this ‘going out’ thing. I got a gay nephew, nice boy, you might want to keep that in mind if things with Mr. Adams don’t work out. Course, given the way y’all look all starry-eyed at each other and what with the baby and all, that ain’t likely to happen anytime soon. But, I figured I’d mention him, just in case.”

Daniel started to cancel his direction to Ben but saw the man roll his eyes and shake his head and observed out loud. “It’s a wonder Johnson ever kept any secrets from her. It’s like she’s got 37 noses all sniffing out secrets and gossip to share.”

The disembodied voice again took on life again. “Ben Brannon! I heard that. May I remind you, I’ve kept a few of your secrets over the years, but that may change if you don’t get out here with a fresh cup of coffee and a sincere apology... Decaffeinated with two sugars, as usual.” Ben looked shocked. Daniel could imagine hearing the man say, “Oh Fuck! Did I say that out loud”? Instead, the man again rolled his eyes and walked off. The Sheriff guessed he was heading for the kitchen.

Daniel decided it was time for some bladder relief for himself and headed to the men’s room. He refused to allow himself even a moment of hesitation. When he entered, there were three men engaged in a conversation that died a sudden and awkward death. Deputy Elton Barrow shook the final drops from his cock, stepped away from the urinal, zipped up, and then addressed Daniel, “You know Lovan…”

Daniel raised his hand, pointed his index finger at Deputy Barrow’s face, and in a clear challenge, directed, “Let’s get one thing straight, Deputy Barrow, it’s ‘Sheriff’ Lovan to you, unless and until you’re told otherwise. Is that clear?”

Barrow blanched and in an apologetic tone offered, “Sorry about that Sheriff. I was only going to say that I’ve always thought you had a hefty piece of man meat. Too bad it’s wasted on a fa,... Gay man, women appreciate a nice sized cock.”

Stepping out of a stall, Deputy Leonard Wright, one of the three ‘Wright Brothers’ and, of course, a part-time crop duster, said, “Elton, now just how would you know what makes for a ‘nice sized’ cock”? It sure’s hell ain’t from first-hand experience if I remember correctly. Have you been secretly comparing cock sizes with other men since we last did it as teenagers? Besides, I’ve worked here longer than you have, if you remember right, I helped get you this job. Like I said, I worked here longer than you and I ain’t never once noticed Sheriff Lovan’s cock, let alone it’s size. Whatcha been focusing on when you whack your pud to phone porn, either sitting in one of these stalls or in your patrol car on some lonely county back road? You needin’ to come out just a little bit yourself there, Deputy Barrow”?

Daniel let the conversation play out as he pissed and watched as Elton Barrow flushed red, harrumphed, and headed to the door without washing his hands. Daniel called to him, with command presence, “Deputy Barrow.” Barrow turned haltingly at his boss’s summons. Daniel met his eye and stated flatly, “Don’t think your remark about the cock of any gay man being a waste went unnoticed. Watch the insults. Passive aggressive is not a defense with me. You say something like that again it had better be an accident and followed immediately with an abject apology. You understand, Deputy Barrow”? Barrow’s eyes shifted from Daniel’s gaze down to his cock and back to his eyes. Both men understood the implication that accompanied chastising a man while holding your cock in your hand. It was a grievous insult and intimidation of the highest order. The message was not lost on Barrow or his fellow deputies. Barrow wanted to say and do many things. What he did was drop his gaze and meekly say, “Yes sir, Sheriff.”

The other two deputies left right behind Barrow, but separately as though intentionally distancing themselves from the, now possibly tainted, Deputy.

Leonard stepped up to the row of sinks and began washing his hands. “Sheriff, you done good out there today. When I was a kid, I had an older cousin of mine, he was a local rodeo star and just a damned good feller. I’d always looked up to him. One day his Daddy, my favorite Uncle back then, caught Bobby sucking the cock of a hired hand. My Uncle fired the ranch hand, beat my cousin so bad he was hospitalized, and then run him off. We never heard from Bobby again and I never forgave my Uncle. He died a lonely old man, survived, hopefully, by his only child, a gay son.” Leonard dried his hands in silence. “If you need some backin’, you've got it. It’ll be like me supporting Bobby. Back then, I was too little to help, but I damn sure ain’t too little now.” He then walked out without waiting for a response.

Daniel considered what has just transpired. His “coming out” had already revealed more support than he had dared hope for. Even loudmouthed Deputy Barrow had quickly backed down. Barrow, who disparaged every minority member as “some entitlement seeker” just waiting to claim government support from his own “hard earned tax dollars”. Daniel had pointed out given that Barrow had five children, he was likely in a lower tax bracket and more directly benefited from “tax dollars”, than did the average minority member. Barrow had opted not to challenge that statement in front of his locker room audience, worried that, then Deputy, Lovan might actually know about his tax refunds and just how much he and his family did benefit from both federally and state-funded programs. Still, that did not alter his opinion of the “entitlement seeking" minorities. It just meant they were looking to take what was rightfully his as a “real” American. In the future, he'd make sure Deputy "Do-Right" wasn't around when he shared that opinion.

Daniel had long ago learned that fighting ignorance was a thankless, almost totally fruitless battle. But, once in a blue moon, he saw a light of understanding come on in someone’s eyes and he knew he had defeated ignorance, if only in that single battle. For years, he just bit his tongue and just avoided those people. But, when he heard that a gay-bashing incident involved guys that didn’t have anything against gays but were “just going along with their homophobic buddies”, that "no challenging ignorance" policy changed. He decided to fight by challenging stupid statements whether in person or on YouTube. He never sought out channels, posts or people that promoted hatred and spread ignorance. He just challenged those people he ran across in real life or those that heaped hateful and ignorant comments on “innocent” channels and posts. He took on the “trolls”. He understood, just like with the “gay-bashing buddies” ignorance left unchallenged spreads like wildfire across real-life and the internet and thus into the lives of folks who are, “just going along with their buddies”. His time and energy were not limitless and each response to a “troll” took a toll on his psyche. He limited himself to now pointing out ignorance, bigotry and lies to a maximum of three times a day. When he shared this with his parents, his Dad had taken to it like it was a second career and spent time each day pointing out lies and bigotry posted on non-aggressive sites and channels. His mom insisted she acted daily at the local level squashing untruths that spread so quickly within her circle of friends.

As he opened the door to exit the men’s room he felt like “Daniel entering the lions’ den”. The irony of the name was obvious, but the really funny part, the part that made him chuckle out loud was that a gay man regretted leaving a men’s room for other than the stereotypical reasons. He chided himself for stereotyping, but it was still damn funny.

Noting it was still early enough so the caffeine wouldn’t adversely impact his ability to fall asleep, he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and returned to his face his staff.

It took a couple more minutes for everyone to get seated. Once they did, Daniel addressed the group, “As I said before our break, I expect this news to be treated as if you had just gotten some new information. And I want to hammer this home one more time. I won’t be a victim to any lies, stereotypes, or hatred that may have slanted your personal view on homosexuality. I am who I was yesterday, only now you know more about me. It should be even less important than learning what church a coworker attends or, what past job experiences he or she might've had. Being gay is a standalone issue and doesn’t preclude any political party or supporting or opposing any other politically charged issue.”

Daniel took a deep breath and actually took a step back, and said, “I’m willing to address any questions, statements of anger, animosity or support. Just know that ‘begging my pardon’ beforehand is not a valid license nor excuse for introducing personal insults and will not be accepted as such. We are professional adults and we will each act with full knowledge that our words and deeds always have consequences.” He then shut up.

The blue-haired disembodied voice, again, came across the intercom. “Sheriff Lovan, I wish I was in there to stand up and applaud your personal bravery and integrity, in person. Since I can’t, I want everyone in that room who feels they can support you as a gay Sheriff to stand up and for those who need some time to think before committing to support our new Sheriff, they should stand up and walk out. It's close enough to quitin' time already and they can come back Monday with no apology but with a final decision as to whether they feel they actually have to resign. Anyone with valid questions should stick around. I know I have a few, just as soon as someone relieves me out here.”

Before Daniel could address Marlene’s directions everyone in the room stood up. After a few seconds, two deputies walked out, without comment. The questions were not offensive, although a few bordered on inappropriate. Most had to do more with addressing stereotypes and how their everyday interactions were to be impacted. In spite of the two walkouts, it had gone worlds better than Daniel had anticipated. He was glad, when Marlene finally appeared, that no one had relieved her while the whole group was still present. Daniel had heard less invasive questions from potential hookups.

When his office was finally cleared and at least a semblance of “business-as-usual” had been restored, Daniel felt he could take his leave without appearing cowardly. Once the door closed on the last of his staff, he turned to his computer screen and simply stated, “I’m on my way over. Have ice, glasses, and whisky ready. This Daddy needs a drink to celebrate to take the edge off.”

Upon entering Raymond’s outer office Jeremy, obviously on his way out, greeted him with, “Great job, Sheriff! Go right on in. He said he’d be waiting for you with drinks at the ready.” Daniel knew right away he was definitely removing that monitoring program from his office computer.

Once he closed Raymond’s office door he was a little disappointed that his lover wasn’t there with a comforting embrace. Not to mention a kiss and a whisky. Looking around he decided that Raymond must be either in the bathroom or the adjoining conference room. He called out, “Raymond!”

In response, the bathroom door opened and a totally nekkid, totally aroused Raymond stepped out and in a decidedly sexy voice said, “Lock the door. I don’t care who does what to whom or how many times, but I want this day to be punctuated with some steamy sex and lustful lovemaking.

“Everybody will remember the day that we learned about the baby and you came out. I want us to share sex so hot that every time someone mentions either event you and I will seek each other’s gaze and share a knowing, little, smile and get hot and bothered all over again, even into our old age.”

Daniel locked the door and proceeded to happily engage his mate in memory making, ‘lustful lovemaking’ on an epic scale. Each man drained his balls three times and after each time had stated they were sated and lacked the ability to get aroused again. But, his partner proved him wrong after each climax. Raymond finally insisted that trying for a fourth time would be a risk to his health and a record he dare not attempt to set at his age. Daniel, let the age comment pass. He knew that if Raymond were 19 or 90, he couldn’t love him more.

They only had time for a quick shower before heading to the diner. Each man was now going commando. While each found the secret shared, a little naughty, neither was in a condition that might reveal a pressing or free swinging hardon to the casual observer.

Arriving at the diner, the crowded parking lot brought back all the negative feelings Raymond had so effectively erased. They actually had the bodyguard driver let them out at the door and then seek a parking place. Just as Raymond had requested, the other Adams family members were seated at a massive table right up front. Which was remarkable considering every table and chair was occupied. Daniel had never seen such a crowd here before. As he viewed the assembled masses and considered the news that was very likely already spreading, Daniel’s hunger, that had loudly announced itself on the drive over, suddenly disappeared as a tightening sensation gripped his gut.

Miss Julie was at the door to greet them, “Daniel, you just relax. You’re among friends here. Everyone is here to support you on your coming out as a gay candidate for Sheriff. Seems Gram Manowski alerted folks to your dining plans this evening and word just seemed to spread. I had calls for reservations like I have never had before. I finally just had my staff explain that each potential customer that dining tonight was to support our candidate for Sheriff who just came out today as a gay man. You’d be surprised at the low number of folks who refused to support you this evening. I don't’ think anyone who supported you before has changed their mind.

While Daniel considered the unlikely truth of what Miss Julie had just said, the lady moved to the greeting station and picked up the public address microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors. Seems our candidate for Sheriff is questioning the amount of political support he enjoys from his constituents and more specifically from you all gathered here tonight. So, how about we take a moment and reassure him by y’all standing and giving our candidate for Sheriff, who also happens to be gay, a big round of applause.

For a moment, Daniel wished the floor would swallow him up. He was convinced that the crowd was at least a near fifty-fifty split when it came to supporting him. He saw at least two ranchers that were City Council members, whom he knew had on occasion dined with Bumpkis and the old Mayor. They would surely not stand for him, much less cheer him on as a “gay” candidate for Sheriff.

Daniel would not have been shocked if those two and their families had gotten up and walked out right then and there. Instead, he was overwhelmed to see those same two ranchers be among the first to jump up and not only applaud but to cheer, whistle and stomp their boots in support of one Daniel Lovan for Sheriff. A good man who just happened to be gay.