The Hollow Hills - 29. Chapter 29

Galen

I yawned and stretched, letting my arm fall to my left so I could feel Josh. My internal clock told me it was too early to start the day, and I wanted to languish in bed with my boyfriend as long as possible. It still felt strange thinking of Josh in that capacity, despite being an ‘official’ couple for several months. The word didn’t seem strong enough to describe our relationship, but I didn’t think we were quite at the ‘partner’ stage yet.

I frowned when my arm met fabric instead of flesh. It was unusual for Josh to get up before me. Maybe he had trouble sleeping or had to pee or something. I got up to use the bathroom, then headed into the kitchen, figuring he probably started breakfast. He wasn’t there, either. A suspicion that had been forming for a while popped into my mind, and I had a feeling I knew where I could find him.

Alannah and Caroline had given me more duties and responsibilities in the barn as my skills and stamina increased. At the end of the day, I made sure the tack room was neat and tidy and the equipment was clean and put away properly. The saddles all faced the same way, girths were arranged by size, and the bridles hung in a row with the throatlatch looped around in a figure eight, keeping the leather straps neatly together.

For a couple of months, I’d been noticing subtle differences from the way I organized everything: a saddle slightly askew, splint boots arranged right to left instead of my usual left to right, saddle pads still damp with sweat when they should have dried overnight. It was a mini-mystery I had easily dismissed as inattention on my part, until I also started noticing changes in the horses—well, one horse in particular.

One of the horses I took care of daily was Pendragon—a big, bay gelding who had originally been sent to the farm for retraining. He’d developed a habit of refusing to jump, which wasn’t a good trait for a grand prix jumper. The horse became a permanent resident of the farm after Alannah determined the unfortunate creature had been the victim of abuse. Dragon was terrified of men, but trusted me. As part of his rehabilitation, Alannah wanted him turned out for six months. He wasn’t to be ridden or worked in any way so his mind and body could heal.

So my duties included Dragon’s daily turnout and grooming. I knew every inch of that horse—every scar, marking, and preferred scratching spot. His dappled, mahogany coat shone from my effort. One thing I’d noticed was that instead of his muscles becoming softer from lack of work, he’d developed more. He was as fit as any of the horses in Alannah’s show string, and was full of energy. I suspected the displaced tack and changes in Dragon had the same cause.

Fall mornings in Vermont are cold, so I grabbed a jacket before heading outside. The sky was tinged faintly red as the sun began its morning ascent. The barn lights were on, and I peeked through the door. The aisle was empty, but I could hear the steady three-beat rhythm of a horse cantering in the indoor arena.

I slipped into the dark lounge and watched as Josh and Dragon cantered circles and figure eights around the ring. Knowing his background didn’t prepare me for the level of skill he showed. He was easily as good as Alannah. Dragon’s ears flicked back and forth as he responded to Josh’s unseen commands. Josh moved with the animal as if they were one, unfazed when the gelding bucked into his lead changes as they looped serpentines across the tanbark. He looked relaxed and happy, which warmed my heart. I watched the duo until they finished their workout, then exited the lounge as Josh swung a quartersheet—a blanket that kept the heat in while allowing the sweat to dry—over Dragon’s hind end. Buck watched me expectantly as I hurried past, and nickered as I headed out the door and back to the house to start breakfast.

*****

I jumped, then scowled when a heavily tattooed arm waved its hand in front of my face.

“Earth to Galen.”

“What the fuck, Jo?”

“I asked what you’re doing tomorrow night. The old lady wants to know if you’ll come for dinner.”

“Does Sally know you call her that?”

Jody grinned. “You should hear what she calls me.”

I snorted. “I have. All deserved, by the way.”

“You know it.”

I pushed the mashed potatoes around my plate with my fork.

“You gonna eat your food or just play with it?”

I shrugged. “I’m not hungry.”

“What’s going on? You and hubs having problems?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Hubs?”

“Well?”

I shook my head. “No. Things are going great.” I exhaled. “Which is kind of the problem.”

“Only you would think it’s a problem when things are going great.”

“I can’t talk about this with you.”

Jody frowned. “That’s a load of crap. You can talk to me about anything and you know it.”

“Fine. You asked for it. It has to do with gay sex.”

Jody scoffed. “Like we’ve never talked about that before. How long have we known each other? Remember the talks we used to have about Jamie?”

“Why do you have to be so damn reasonable all the time?”

Jody grinned. “Because I’m awesome.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, if you must know, I’ve been thinking about having sex with Josh. But I still get panic attacks when I think of doing the actual deed.”

“Then don’t do ‘the deed’. There’s plenty of other stuff you guys can do.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose.”

“Want me to list them?”

I smirked. “Want me to?”

Jody laughed. “You should know better than to call my bluff.”

“Yeah, what was I thinking?”

“Now I’m going to call your bluff. It’s not just ‘the deed’, is it?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. Yeah. No. Maybe.” I ran my hand through my hair.

“Well that clears things up.”

I plopped my fork on my plate, splattering drops of gravy onto the table. “OK fine, yeah. It’s everything.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I want to show him how much he means to me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to take that step. I know I’m contradicting myself, but it’s how I feel.”

“I’m the wrong person to talk to.”

“Told ya, dick.”

“I mean you should be talking to Josh. Have you discussed any of this with him?”

My meatloaf and mashed potatoes were one lumpy, gross mess from all the mixing I did with my fork.

“That’s what I thought. Galen, talk to him. Not communicating is the death knell of relationships. You and Josh are good together; don’t ruin it by being stubborn.”

I smiled and looked Jo in the eyes. “I never thought I’d hear you defend Josh.”

“Hey, I call ‘em like I see ‘em. The man’s devoted to you. Any idiot can see that.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Jody shook his head.

“Aw c’mon. That one was too easy.”

I laughed. “You know, we’ve never been on a date.”

Jo waggled his eyebrows. “All you have to do is ask.”

I smacked his arm, smiling. “I doubt that would go over well with Sally.”

“Maybe she’s into threesomes.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” I laughed. “Like that’s possible.”

“Not gonna go there. But seriously, plan a date. You guys work so hard. You need time to play too.” He bumped my arm with his fist. “And relax. Josh loves you. Communicate. Everything will be fine.”

I sat up straighter and scooped a forkful of meatloaf/gravy/mashed potato mixture into my mouth. An idea for Josh’s and my first date was already forming in my mind.

*****

I spent the following week planning my surprise date for Josh. We spent all our time on the farm, so I thought it would be nice to have a night out. I made reservations at the Fox and Dragon, a local English-style pub with authentic UK food. It was one of Josh’s favorite places to eat. After dinner out, I planned on having homemade dessert at home, in front of the fireplace.

Romance was my forte, so I ordered two dozen red roses and bought candles to place on the coffee table. I hoped Josh liked traditional romantic gestures. Despite our relationship, I wasn’t sure if he was into the whole flowers and candles thing. The implications of what I was planning were clear. Roses, candlelight, roaring fire, and dessert… they all pointed to an intimate evening leading to sex.

While I wanted our relationship to progress, sex was something that still terrified me. I wasn’t ready for anal sex, even though it was something I wanted to experience with Josh at some point. Jody’s advice about doing other stuff made sense to me, so I thought oral sex would be a good place to start. As a way of preparing myself for the evening, I’d watch Josh every opportunity I could, and imagined giving him a blow job. It was a continued source of anxiety, so I scheduled an appointment with Daniel to get his advice.

I felt like a freak because of my conflicting feelings regarding sex. On one hand, I wanted Josh, but I didn’t feel desire like I used to. I felt pressure—almost to the point of feeling obligated—to take our relationship to the next level. Daniel helped me realize it was OK for my libido to be diminished. It was nothing to be ashamed of and was actually normal considering what I went through.

When I say I felt pressure, it wasn’t from Josh. He’d been nothing but understanding and supportive. His eyes told me a different story, though. When we kissed goodnight, I could see the passion brewing inside. Josh wanted more from me, I was sure of it. And it made me feel inadequate.

The morning of our date, I headed to the barn as usual, despite Alannah giving me the day off. I didn’t want to tip Josh off to my surprise. I figured I’d complete the morning chores, then head to the house to make dessert. I spent the day making apple pie with a crumb topping, vanilla whipped cream, and a salted caramel sauce. Well, I attempted to make a salted caramel sauce. After the second burned batch, I decided it was a good thing I’d bought a jar of Mrs. Richardson’s as back up.

My anxiety increased as the afternoon progressed. I knew I was being irrational; this was Josh for fuck’s sake. But I had myself convinced I needed to move our relationship forward. An hour before Josh was due home, I showered and changed into my ‘date’ clothes. I hadn’t put much thought into my appearance for months, so I went shopping with Jody to buy some more fashionable clothing. My old clothes were all too big on me now.

I also spent some time styling my hair and trimming my scruff. Being clean-shaven didn’t suit me, and Josh had commented more than once how much he liked it, usually as he ran his fingers across it. I loved it when he did that.

I planned on ending our evening in the living room, so I arranged candles and roses on the coffee table, placed the cooled pie and plates and forks, then arranged pillows and blankets in front of the fireplace. Earlier, I had prepared logs and kindling for a fire. All I needed to do was light it when we got home from dinner. I couldn’t drink alcohol because of the medication I was on, so instead, I put apple cider with mulling spices and brown sugar into a slow cooker. I would turn it on right before we left for the first part of our date.

I sat on the couch, bouncing my leg, staring at the candles and flowers, letting my thoughts take over as I waited for Josh to come home from work. He was late. Thankfully, he’d texted me he was on his way home. As long as we left right away, we’d make our reservation on time. I stood up when I heard the front door close, then the thud of a briefcase being set on the kitchen table. I grabbed one of the roses and intercepted Josh before he saw the living room. I wanted dessert to be a surprise.

“Hey. How was your day?” I asked.

Josh scowled and loosened his tie. “Shitty. Anything that could go wrong, did.” He moved to walk past me, but I stepped into his path and held the rose against his chest.

“Well your day is about to get much better.”

He frowned, then smiled and took the rose from me. “What’s this?”

I stepped closer and slid my hand through his hair and along the back of his head. “I thought it was about time we had our first date.”

Josh clenched his jaw and swallowed audibly. He leaned his forehead against mine, staring into my eyes. His features and body language softened. He kissed me, gently at first, then harder. I tightened my hand in his hair, and allowed my love for Josh to fill my soul. We parted. Josh looked me up and down; his eyes were practically smoldering.

“You look incredible, sweetheart.”

“Thanks. We better get going if we’re going to make our reservation.”

“Reservation?”

I nodded. “We spend all our time here. I thought it might be nice to have a night out.”

Josh grinned. “I couldn’t agree with you more. Where are we going? I’ll change, then we can go.” He moved toward the living room. I grabbed his hand and stopped him.

“I have reservations at the Fox and Dragon. You look great. We need to leave now or risk losing our spot.”

“I haven’t been there in ages. I look horrible though. Especially compared to you.”

“Give yourself some credit. You’re a—”

“If you say ‘silver fox’ I’m breaking up with you.”

I laughed. “I was going to say a hottie.”

“If didn’t know any better, I’d swear you’re trying to keep me out of the living room.”

I shrugged. “We’re wasting time. C’mon.” I squeezed his hand.

“All right. I’ll play along.”

“Go ahead. I need to grab my coat.”

Josh raised an eyebrow, but headed out the door. I turned the slow cooker on, then followed him. I pressed the ‘unlock’ button on my key fob, and we both slid into Betsey.

Josh smirked and looked me up and down. “I thought you were getting your coat.”

“Silly me. I’m already wearing one.”

Josh laughed. “You just made this whole crappy day better.”

I reached over and we entwined our hands. My day was now perfect.

We returned to the farm after dinner. I spoiled my surprise a little bit when I wouldn’t let Josh order dessert at the restaurant. I didn’t tell him what I made, though. After exiting Betsey, I stood and stared at the barn and surrounding woods. The moon was almost full and bathed the scenery in a comforting glow. The trees were black silhouettes against the brightness of the moon. The barn reminded me a of a cutout scene in a collage. The horses were all inside, munching on hay, warm and safe in their stalls. Moments like this erased my doubt about this truly being my home.

Josh stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my middle. He rested his chin on my shoulder and kissed beneath my ear. I closed my eyes and leaned back, placing my hands on his arms. It was the closest I’d ever felt to Josh, and it felt like I’d finally come full circle. My eyes welled with tears as the enormity of the moment washed over me. My body tingled with desire; the moment I’d been waiting for ever since I set eyes on Josh was approaching. For that brief minute, I was able to set aside my anxiety and fears and bask in my love for the man who held me.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

I nodded, relishing the heat radiating from Josh.

“I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me, having you share this with me.” Josh’s voice vibrated through me, right to my heart.

I turned in his arms. “I never thought I’d feel this content again.”

He smiled and leaned down and kissed me. “Should we do night check before we head in?”

I shook my head. “It’s already done. Alannah texted me while we were at dinner.”

“You thought of everything, didn’t you?”

“I think so. I suppose we’ll find out.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the house.

I made Josh wait in the kitchen while I lit the candles and fire in the living room. I held both his hands and walked backward as I led him to my surprise. I wanted to see the look on his face. He didn’t disappoint. We sat on the floor in front of the couch, backs against the pillows I’d placed there. I cut us each a piece of pie, then headed into the kitchen, returning with the whipped cream and heated caramel sauce. I made a return trip for two mugs of steaming mulled cider.

“Where did you get the pie? It’s really good.”

“I made it.”

A smile spread over Josh’s face. “You made this? I think we have a budding pastry chef.”

“I found the recipe online. I made it this afternoon while you were at work. I was worried it would be too runny.”

“It’s perfect. You made the whipped cream, too?”

I nodded. “I tried making the caramel sauce, but I burned it. Twice. Sorry, but this stuff is from a jar.”

Josh laughed. “Galen, this is incredible. I don’t care if you bought everything frozen. I love it.” He ate another bite of pie. “You even got the salt level perfect.”

“Always the critic, huh?” I winked, showing him I wasn’t mad.

“That was a compliment.”

“I wasn’t sure you’d like the whole flower/candle thing.”

“I love it. I’ve never been romanced like this before. It’s nice.”

“Never?”

His face darkened for a moment. “Let’s not talk about my past.”

“Yeah, sure.”

We ate our pie in silence, exchanging looks and smiles. Josh sat close to me, so our legs were in contact. Flames danced around the crackling logs in the fireplace, but the heat I felt came from elsewhere. Josh lifted his fork, filled with a piece of dripping pie, to my mouth. I opened it, then closed my lips around the silver utensil and dragged the sweet morsel from it. Josh moaned.

“That’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he murmured.

I smiled, then returned the gesture, shifting position as my body reacted to the desire Josh’s action’s produced. By the time we finished eating we were practically sitting in each other’s laps. Josh brushed my hair behind my ear and ran his thumb along my cheek. “I love the trim. But then again, you look incredible no matter what you do.”

“Thanks.”

By this time, the fire was blazing and crackled and popped as the flames consumed the logs. The fire was reflected in Josh’s eyes as he moved close and kissed my jaw in front of my ear. He ran his thumb in circles underneath my ear in a familiar, comforting gesture. He moved his lips along my cheek until he reached my mouth, then kissed me with the passion blazing in his eyes. Until this point, our kissing had been reserved, almost chaste. A peck on the lips good night or good morning.

Now it built in intensity, our pent-up frustrations released. Josh moved his hands down my back, then up to my shoulders and gently pushed me to the floor, laying on top of me. The movement triggered a much different memory.

Weight sinking down on me as a blade glinted briefly, reflecting the spotlight above me. Then pain and screams and grunting as I was penetrated—

I tensed and turned my head, burrowing into Josh’s neck as I fought to push the flashback away. I thought of my love for Josh as he trailed kisses under my ear and down my neck, pulling me tightly to him. I trusted Josh. He’d never hurt me. I sighed, then grabbed the sides of Josh’s head and pulled him to me so I could resume making out with him. He responded, pressing against my leg, and I felt his desire.

This time, the flashback felt like I’d slammed into a brick wall, and I couldn’t stop the overwhelming feeling of panic and the need to escape. I stood and made a beeline for the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. I’d ruined our date. Despite the progress I’d made; despite all my therapy sessions with Daniel; despite wanting to show Josh how much I loved him, I was still a fucked up mess.

After using the toilet, I washed my hands and splashed water on my face. I inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly several times in an effort to calm my pounding heart. I stood in our doorway and looked into the living room. Josh was seated where I left him, his head in his hands. I wanted to comfort him, hold him, tell him he did nothing wrong, but I wasn’t sure I had the strength to. I hesitated, then remembered Jody’s words about lack of communication being the death knell of relationships. I had to try and salvage the situation, so I walked over and sat next to Josh.

He looked at me, face scrunched in pain. “Galen, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to get carried away like that. Things have been going so well. I forgot—”

I leaned against him, and he drew me to his side. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s my fault.”

Josh shook his head. “No. Don’t blame yourself. I should have been more careful.”

I turned and faced him. “Our biggest weakness is communication. We need to be honest about how we feel.” I inhaled. “You do so much for me. I want to show you how much you mean to me. I want to have sex with you, but I’m so scared.”

Josh put his hands over mine, pressing down until my trembling stopped. “You show me every day how much I mean to you. We don’t have to have sex for that.”

I raised an eyebrow. His words sounded nice, but I didn’t believe him.

Josh sighed. “Is trust always going to be an issue with us?”

I slumped against the back of the couch. “I can’t help it. I couldn’t stop the flashback.” I exhaled sharply. “This fucking sucks.”

Josh’s back was rigid and he clenched his hands into fists. “It’s not your fault.”

“Of course it’s my fault. I screwed up our date.”

Josh sighed and relaxed his posture. He turned to face me and held both my hands in his. “I think we both know I’m not good at communicating, but I’m trying.” He squeezed my hands and looked into my eyes. “Do I want to have sex with you? God, Galen, of course I do! I want to wake you up with a blow job and for you to make love to me until I can’t see straight. I want to kiss you without you flinching and—”

He stopped abruptly when he saw the crestfallen look on my face. Fuck. “But you know what I want more?” He traced his thumb along the scruff on the side of my face, causing me to exhale, easing some of my anxiety. “This.” He glanced toward the coffee table and back to me. “Waking up next to you every morning. Cooking dinner together. Taking care of the horses together.” He cleared his throat and blinked back tears. “Nobody’s ever bought me roses before.” His voice dropped to a whisper.

I leaned forward and kissed him. “I love you.”

Josh blinked, releasing a tear down his cheek. “I love you too.”

He stood and held out his hand. I rose, and he led me to the blankets I’d arranged in front of the fireplace. “That’s enough communicating. How about we lay by the fire and enjoy that cider you made?”

I squeezed his hand. “I’d like that.”