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- 11/15/2019
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Merry Christmas - 1. Chapter 1 The Reckoning
***
The Reckoning
“You are the one person in the world I am most grateful for this year,” I said after Scott gave me a peck on the cheek.
There was no good way to start the conversation, but I almost laughed at his expression. He did his best to cover his surprise, a relieved smile appearing as he set his coffee down and relaxed into the seat across from me. “I’m really glad to hear that. I’m grateful to you too. Merry Christmas, gorgeous.”
I ignored the charm he could exude in a heartbeat. “No, I don’t think you will be.”
His smile disappeared. “What does that mean?” Now, confusion marred his chiseled features, and his breathing became noticeably shallow as he leaned forward. Our last big fight had changed everything, and I could tell he was apprehensive about me asking to meet him here in the middle of his split shift at the bar, especially when my ask became a demand after he'd waffled.
“I don’t think you’ll like what I have to say, Scott, but I need to let you know where we are at.”
“We?”
“Yes, we.” I took a sip of my coffee, and let the man digest my words.
“I… I don’t understand. What does that mean…where we’re at?”
Sitting my mug on the table, I picked up my buttered tea biscuit and took a bite, chewing as I surveyed the deserted coffee shop. Let the bastard squirm. I was finally at a point where I was putting myself first, and it was long overdue.
“Dan?”
“I can’t do this anymore. We’re over.”
“Over? What the hell brought this on? Oh my god, you don’t believe Alan, do you, because he’s full of—”
“I do believe Alan... and Tony, and Andrew, and Bruce, and Stefan. But, their intervention only confirmed everything I already knew.”
“Come on, man, they’re just a bunch of jealous bitches, and every one of them wants to get in your pants!”
“No, Scott, they don’t. They like me, and they’re my friends… there is no ulterior motive, other than they see you in action day after day, and they hate what you’ve been doing to me.”
“You are so naïve,” he said in disgust, as if I had done something wrong, and I knew the tactic well. Scott was trying to turn this anywhere but on himself. It had worked in the past, many times, but not anymore. The blinders were off, and they were off for good.
“You’re right… I was naïve. Because I loved you so much, I overlooked what was right in front of me. Remember what you said the night I met you?”
“Oh, god, are we going back to that again?”
“Why not? It’s pretty much the only time you’ve been honest to me.”
“That’s not fair. It was where I was at that time, yeah, but I changed after I met you, didn’t I? I stopped—”
“Did you? I thought so for a while, but… I wanted to believe you knew what love was, but I was wrong. You’re still what you bragged about. You’re still king of the one-night-stands, and the last person in this world who should be in a monogamous relationship.”
“That’s ridiculous. I love you, Dan, and I can’t help that customers like to flirt with the bartender. It’s just a harmless game I have to play, and those guys don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“Flirting might be harmless… unless I’m the one doing it,” I said, reminding him of his often instant rage when I talked with others in a bar setting. “But blowing and getting blown in the washroom isn’t. Accepting phone numbers isn’t either.” I smiled, and it was the last thing Scott expected, judging by the draining of all color from his face.
“Accepting those numbers gets me better tips… you know that!”
“So, the number in your wallet, and the same number on your phone, which you’ve called three times, and was returned twice while I was at my mom’s… that was completely innocent?”
“You checked my phone?”
“And your wallet, yes. There were two other numbers in there as well… a Jake and a Will, to be exact.”
The man’s eyes resembled the proverbial deer in the headlights, before he managed to give a semblance of composure. But, he didn’t address the accusation, because he couldn’t. “That’s not right. I would never do that to you.”
“Another lie. I know you have, and it used to confuse me… your jealousy, but I finally figured out it wasn’t about you loving me. It’s about you thinking you own me.”
Scott sputtered. “I don’t want to own you! I get jealous because I love you.”
“No, you don’t. I don’t think you love anyone but yourself.”
“Really, Dan? That’s bullshit and you know it. I don’t understand why you’re attacking me like this, especially at Christmas… you have to stop believing other people.”
“Just listen to you, right?”
“Well, this is about us, and no one else. We have something good, and our friends want to tear us down because they’re bitter queens—”
“See, that’s why I’m grateful for you… once again you ignore the real issues. I’ve tried for years to fall out of love with you, but I never could. This past year, though, you finally made it possible. You got careless, Scott, but, that’s a good thing, and I accept who you are now.”
“You accept… so are you saying we’re good?” God, the man was so transparent now that I allowed myself to look. He still didn’t take me seriously, and part of that was my fault.
“No, I’m saying I’m good. I told you we’re done, and we are.”
“Come on,” he whined. “We’ve been here before… we can get past this. Do you really want to give up the life we have?”
My eyes bored into his. “Trust me. More than anything. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been tiptoeing around you and holding my breath for years… lying to myself while you lied to me. You’re right we’ve been here before, but it’s different now. I mean what I say this time.” Ahhh… I finally began to see some panic in the man.
“What if we go to therapy? Or maybe we can go away… back to Cuba, or that cruise you wanted to take? We could work on us, away from all these interfering busybodies.”
I laughed, not bitterly, but rather triumphantly, and Scott quailed. “How many times did I ask for therapy? No, I’ve had my therapy, and it was pretty intensive. Trial by fire you might say. Like finding a used condom under our bed when I got out of the hospital last month.” I smiled, enjoying my now-ex-partner’s distress. I knew it for what it was… his concern was only for him, and what our breakup would cost him, both financially and reputation-wise. He’d also miss my previous devotion, I supposed.
I watched his Adam’s apple bob a few times before he spoke. “What about our apartment? I’m not leaving, if that’s what you think.”
“No, I figured you would say that. I have my own apartment. I took possession the first of December.”
“Behind my back?!”
“What can I say? I’ve learned a lot from you over the years.” This time my smile pissed him off.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this! How could you, especially with all our holiday plans? You’re going to regret this, Dan… you’re being rash… and what will my mom say? You know she’ll be disappointed.”
I shook my head at his reaction, but the smile remained on my face. I really had loved him, passionately and completely, and there was a time I would have done just about anything for him, but his lies had exhausted me. I owed him nothing. “Your mom is aware of more than you know, so it won’t come as a surprise. And as far as regrets, my biggest one is that I wasted four years of my life.
“I’ve already done all the crying I’m going to, on the many nights you didn’t come home till dawn, reeking of sex, and colognes you never wear. You didn’t even try to make your lies convincing… you just expected me to keep on loving you. I would have been with you to the end—you know that—but you made it impossible… not me, or not my friends. I’ll always care about you, but I don’t love you anymore.” They weren’t easy words, but they had to be said, because I was broken. If I was to have any chance of putting myself back together, there could be no doubts, or hanging threads to be pulled at.
“Admit it or don’t, what we had was never real, not after the chase. Once you had me, you started looking elsewhere. Maybe you loved me, maybe you didn’t, but you sure didn’t respect me, and now you can stop living your secret life… it wasn’t much of a secret anyway.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. You’ve got it all wrong, Dan.”
I nodded, but it was for the sham I’d allowed my life to be. “I did get it all wrong, but I’ve finally gotten it right. I deserved better, and if you could ever stop your deceit long enough to put yourself in my position, you would see that—you would see how much harm you inflicted on me, the man you say you love. The proof is in the pudding, Scott.”
For the first time in the conversation, and in any memory I had of him, I saw a flicker of guilt. I didn’t know he was capable of that emotion, but it didn’t matter… it was too late.
“So, that’s it?” he asked. “You’re just going to move out?”
“Already done. The boys should be finished by now.” I’d caught him by surprise again.
Obviously stunned by the news, he gave it another shot. I knew he would. “I love you, Dan. I really love you, please believe me.”
I didn’t believe him, and it seemed fitting that we end on one more lie from the man. “I have to go. If I can give you some advice, though, don’t pretend to be something you’re not. You might want to have it all, but from what I’ve seen in the last four years, you don’t deserve it. Try being an honest slut…nothing wrong with that if it’s who you are… it’s sure as hell a lot better than being a cheating slut, because there’s no real happiness there, certainly not for anyone who might love you.” I surprised myself this time, in keeping my voice level, and with little emotion.
I waited for the explosive anger to come, but it didn’t. Instead, I heard a plea that meant nothing to me. “I’m not a… Dan, please… can’t we at least try—”
“Merry Christmas, Scott.” I met his eyes one last time before getting up from my seat. I turned and walked away, not looking back, because I couldn’t. My iron will was fast deserting me. He wasn’t the only liar at the table today. I was not done with the crying, and I still loved him… but was determined to love myself more. One day I would… but not this day.
*
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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