String - 16. Harmony

I awoke in the morning alone in Kyle’s bed, still naked, yet covered with a blanket. I sat up and looked around the room. There was no sign of Kyle. I stood up and stretched my arms and legs. My backside hurt. Kyle was bigger than Danny, that’s for sure. I looked around and found my underwear on the floor and slipped them back on. I was about to head to the bathroom when I stopped at his desk. There was a paper on top of the laptop that hadn’t been there the night before. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked it out. It was a drawing of me, laying in bed naked. I was impressed. Kyle had done a good job!

I went to the bathroom and after I finished I looked around for Kyle. I found his dad asleep in the living room, but no sign of Kyle. I returned to his room and put my clothes back on. Then I saw Kyle sitting outside on the back porch through his window. I joined him out there, sitting in the lawn chair next to him.

“Hey,” I said.

Kyle just nodded.

“You want to talk about what happened?” I asked.

Kyle shook his head.

“I saw the picture you drew. It was pretty good.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“What’s wrong, Kyle?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Then why are you out here acting all sad?”

“I’m not sad. I’m just thinking. I like to think alone.”

“So I’m bothering you. I can leave if you want me to.”

“No… I… I don’t know what I want anymore,” Kyle said.

“I understand. What we did was intense and it’s okay to be messed up about it.”

“That’s not it. I just… Why couldn’t I have just liked throwing a football?”

“Because that’s not who you are meant to be.”

“I suck. No matter how good I am at something, nothing changes. I’m never going to be enough. No matter how perfect I am, I’m never going to measure up. I try and I try, but it’s just never good enough. I feel like such a failure.”

“You’re not a failure! You’re awesome.”

“Tell that to my dad.”

“I will, if he’s going to be a dick about stuff.”

“He did the best he could, Jake. He really did. I mean, he doesn’t hit me or yell at me or anything like that. It’s worse. He doesn’t do anything anymore. Mom dying fucked him up too. But no matter what I do, nothing changes. He just… sits there. I’d rather he hit me or something. At least I’d feel something for a change.”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “I wish there was something I could do,” I said.

“You already have,” Kyle said. “This has been the best week of my life. I haven’t felt like this since mom died. Last night was so perfect. I haven’t cried in eight years, Jake. Never. Not since the day my dad told me to suck it up and move on. I don’t know what you did to me, but whatever it was, it messed me up. I haven’t slept. I was up all night. No one’s ever held me like that. I’ve never let anyone get as close as you have. I always managed to push them away before they get to me. Now I’m in too deep, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“You don’t have to do anything, Kyle. Just let me be there for you. I lov…”

“Don’t say it unless you mean it,” Kyle warned me.

“I love you, Kyle,” I insisted. “You got to me too, you know. I’m not the same person I was a week ago. I feel like I’ve grown more in the last week than I have in my whole life. It’s because of you. I could never have just sat with someone and looked at stars and not needed to be attached to my phone. I’m not even sure where I left it. I’m in love with you, Kyle. You are good enough for me, just the way you are. You don’t have to be perfect, you’re perfect for me.”

Kyle stood up. “Hold me,” he said. I quickly joined him and hugged him tightly. “Just hold me,” he said. “Please don’t let go,” he said softly, holding me too. Eventually, we loosened our grip. Kyle smiled at me. I reached up and wiped a tear away from his cheek.

“Twice in a row,” Kyle said, laughing self-consciously to himself and rubbing his eyes. “What did you do to me, Jake?”

“You are allowed to cry, you know.”

Kyle just hugged me again and rested his head on my shoulder. “Just hold me,” he said again.

So I did. Eventually, we returned inside the house and went back to Kyle’s room. We sat there for a while, listening to music again. A little later, his dad shuffled into the room.

“You still here?” he said to me.

“I’ll take him home in a little while,” Kyle said.

Kyle’s dad glanced down at Kyle’s computer and noticed the picture he’d drawn. He walked over to it and picked it up. He looked at us. And then back at the picture. I didn’t know what to expect.

“You draw this, Ky?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Kyle replied.

He put the picture down, gave me one more look, and then announced he was going to work. He turned and left the room.

Kyle just sighed. “See what I mean?” he said.

“Have you ever talked to him about what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“What good would it do?” Kyle asked.

“I don’t know. It might be good to talk stuff out. It’s like you guys have just become numb about everything. Have you ever told him you’re gay?”

“He knows,” Kyle said.

“But have you ever actually sat down and talked about it?”

“My dad doesn’t sit down and talk about things.”

“Maybe he doesn’t know how,” I said. “I had to learn it from you.”

“Jake, I know you’re trying to help but…”

I saw his dad walked past the room.

“Mr. McHenry!” I called. He stopped and stepped back into the room. “Kyle wants to tell you something.”

Kyle looked at me, shocked that I would say something so bold. Mr. McHenry just stood there.

“Well?” he asked.

Kyle just sat there.

“Tell him, Kyle,” I said.

Mr. McHenry crossed his arms.

“I… I like Jake,” Kyle blurted out.

Mr. McHenry stood there. He looked at Kyle, then at me, then back at Kyle.

“You trying to tell me you’re queer, Ky?” he asked.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well it’s about time,” Mr. McHenry said.

“You’re not mad?” Kyle asked.

“What’s to be mad about?”

“Don’t you care that I’m gay?”

“What do you want me to do Ky?”

“ANYTHING!” Kyle snapped. “Get mad! Be happy! Be… Anything besides nothing!”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. You want me to yell at you or something?”

“Yes!” Kyle said. “I want you to feel some way about me other than indifferent! I want you to give a shit for once!”

“What is this about? I’ve known you were queer since you were little. I’ve left you alone. I didn’t interfere. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“You’ve ignored me! You’ve treated me like an afterthought!”

“I’ve let you have your freedom.”

“I didn’t need freedom! I’ve needed my dad for the last eight years! Mom died, not me!”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about what happened.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I might need to talk about it?”

“Ky, you were just a little boy when everything happened. You were so different from your brothers and I didn’t know what to do with you. You were always sensitive like your mother. I… I didn’t know how to raise you on my own, let alone four boys on my own.”

“I know, dad! And you did the best you could! I know you love me, but sometimes I don’t feel like you love me!”

“How can you say that?”

“Nothing I do seems to mean anything to you!”

Mr. McHenry sighed. “Ky… It’s true, I don’t always understand the things you’re interested in. But I’ve always been proud of you. I maybe just don’t know how to tell you how proud I am. I know how talented you are. I was never very good at understanding the things you like. Your brothers are all like me, but you’re the most like your mother. She would have understood your poetry stuff, or the whole drawing thing. You’re so good at drawing… Your mom used to love to draw. Your mom lives on the most through you, Ky. She would have been very proud of you and so am I.”

Kyle jumped off the bed and hugged his father. Kyle bawled like he was catching up on eight years’ worth of tears as he just hugged his dad.

“I love you dad,” Kyle sobbed.

“I love you, Ky,” Mr. McHenry replied. “I’ve always loved you.”

They let each other go and Kyle turned around. “Oh my god, Jake! I almost forgot you were here!”

“Yep,” I laughed.

“So this drawing of yours…” Mr. McHenry said, picking up Kyle’s drawing of me. “How’d you go about making this?”

“Live model,” Kyle replied.

Mr. McHenry just nodded. Once again, he looked at the picture and then looked at me. Then he pointed at the picture and showed Kyle. “So were you being a little generous here or…?”

“It’s pretty accurate,” Kyle said, blushing.

Mr. McHenry just nodded once again. “Impressive, Finnegan,” he said. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”

Now it was my turn to blush. So, things were better than ever and Kyle got over his issues all in that one conversation and now life was good, right? Come on. You can’t undo eight years of trauma and stress and pain in one conversation and a hug. It was a start on a different direction, but the pain would always be there. Maybe Kyle felt a little less tense around his dad, a lot more loved, but it would take years to heal the damage the last eight years had done. I knew that from my own experience. Even though my parents had come to a new understanding and made peace with each other, it still hurt that they weren’t together. It still hurt that they’d tried to destroy each other and used me to do it. That pain didn’t just go away on its own. I had to learn to live with it, and that’s what Kyle was beginning to do. That’s what Kyle had taught me to do more effectively.

Unlike my wild relationship with Ryan, where once we’d had sex we did it all the time, my relationship with Kyle grew more intimate as time went on, but it wasn’t about sex all the time. We talked more than anything. That was the best thing. The more comfortable Kyle felt around me, the more he opened up and chatted about things. It was like the walls came down and everything inside started coming out. I knew things were getting serious when he let me start reading his poetry.

“This is really good, Kyle,” I said.

“It’s mostly teenaged angst committed to paper,” he replied.

“I like it,” I said. “I mean, it’s tough because of what you were going through, but you phrase it all so well.”

Kyle just shook his head. “It’s crap,” he said.

“I don’t think so,” I said. “You write anything about me?”

“I’ve written a lot about you,” Kyle blushed.

“Can I read those?” I asked.

“Oh no no no… I couldn’t ever let anyone read that.”

“What kind of things do you write about me?” I asked.

“Just how much I enjoy everything about you,” Kyle said.

I smiled. “You talk about my dick, don’t you?”

Kyle grinned.

The weeks went by and soon it was time for us to perform the play. It was so cool to be able to star in the play opposite Kyle. He was so good. The wildness of his red hair, along with the mask really made his performance come alive. He was charming when he needed to be, creepy when he needed to be, and his distraught performance when Christine dumped him for Raoul, gave Mr. Reilly’s performance a run for its money. And, in the end, I not only got Christine, but I got the Phantom all to myself.

We did two performances of the play. Mr. Reilly played the music on his electronic keyboard for the whole play, which was pretty freaking amazing considering all the different songs there were to play. He had help from several of the teachers who took care of stage directing and such. The play couldn’t have been better!

After it was over, Danny invited me to come over to his house and relax in the hot tub after all that hard work for our own little after party. I asked if Kyle could come too.

“Of course he can,” Danny said.

“Really?” I replied.

“Sure, he’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? Why wouldn’t he be invited?”

“I thought you didn’t like him.”

“Eh, he’s growing on me,” Danny replied.

I asked Kyle if he wanted to go and he said he would like that. So after all of the hugs, handshakes, and accolades were over, we all drove over to Danny’s house to relax.

“I want to use the hot tub too,” Danny’s little sister Olivia insisted.

“Were you just in an exhausting artistic performance?” Danny asked.

“No but…”

“Then beat it, Oblivia!” Danny laughed.

The three of us went down to the hot tub together. And Danny got things ready.

“You know, I didn’t bring any trunks along,” Kyle said.

“Who needs trunks, right Jake?” Danny said.

“Oh that’s right… We’ve always just got in naked. We can go grab some from Danny’s room if you…”

“No, I just… It’s cool,” Kyle said.

“You sure?” Danny said. “I don’t want you being uncomfortable. This is supposed to be relaxing. I mean, unless you’re ashamed of what you’ve got,” Danny teased.

Kyle laughed. “Should I be ashamed Jake?” he asked.

“No way,” I replied.

Danny pulled his shirt off. He’d added some muscle since the last time I’d seen him without a shirt on. “Bring it on then,” he laughed.

Kyle couldn’t resist a competition, so he quickly pulled his shirt off too, and then the both of them dropped their drawers and showed each other what they had.

“Dammit!” Danny laughed. “Why must you be better at everything?”

“Just lucky I guess,” Kyle replied grinning.

“Impressive, McHenry. No wonder Jake likes you so much.”

I had just quietly stripped down and was trying to get into the hot tub without being dragged into their measuring contest. “Leave me out of it,” I laughed. The two of them joined me in the tub.

“So who’s bigger, Jake, Kyle or Ryan?” Danny asked.

“Kyle,” I replied.

“What are you, Kyle? Seven, eight inches?”

“Can’t say I’ve ever measured,” Kyle said.

“Oh come on, Mr. Modest. Everyone’s measured it at one time or another. How big is it? And you can’t pull that foreskin to make it longer.”

Kyle blushed. “Seven and a half,” he said. “Eight if I pull the foreskin,”

Danny laughed. “Six and three eighths,” he said.

“Three eighths?” I asked.

“Hey, it counts. What’s yours Finnegan? You’re what, like seven inches?”

“Yep,” I said.

“What was Ryan?” he asked.

“Somewhere in the middle between me and you, but he could pull his foreskin all the way over his dick and the head of mine too.”

“Whoa, he could do that?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah, it was really intense,” I said.

“Ouch!” Kyle replied. “Mine must be tighter than his. It hurts just thinking about doing that.”

“Yours is the first uncircumcised one I’ve seen,” Danny said. “What’s it like?”

“I don’t know. What’s it like being circumcised?”

“It’s just the way it’s always been. I never really thought about it.”

“It’s the same for me. All my brothers are like me, so I never even imagined that someone would go cutting a part of it off.”

“It’s not like we asked to have it done,” I said.

“Do you have to do like extra cleaning and stuff? I’ve heard they can get a little gross.”

“If you don’t wash it, sure. It’s just like any other body part. I’ve never had a problem.”

“So which is better when you’re getting fucked, Jake?” Danny asked.

“Nope, not going there. Sorry!” I replied.

“Come on, you’ve got to have an answer,” Danny pressed.

“I felt no difference,” I replied. “I’ve never even thought about it.”

“He’s trying to tell you that I’m better,” Kyle said.

“Dammit!” Danny laughed.

“So, how about that play?” I asked, trying to change the subject. I should have known sitting naked in a hot tub with the two guys who had fucked me would eventually lead to questions about which one was better. Honestly, they were both amazing in their own way. Why compare?

It was late when Kyle and I drove back to my house for the evening. Mom was already in bed when we slipped into the house and retreated to my room.

“We should probably shower before we go to bed,” I said.

“Yeah, what was with all the chlorine?” Kyle asked.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know,” I replied. “You want to shower together?”

“Sure,” he agreed. We showered and returned to my room, not bothering to put clothes back on because we both knew what we were going to do. We made out on the bed for a while, just enjoying each other’s touch on our bodies. Kyle loved to suck on my nipples. I’d never really thought much about them, but the way Kyle went after them really turned me on. Our favorite thing to do was sucking each other at the same time. Kyle had drawn a picture of the two of us sucking each other that I kept in my drawer by my bed. I enjoyed tugging Kyle’s foreskin all the way back and then all the way forward, just exploring. Kyle got onto his knees on the bed and pulled me up to face him. He put our dicks together head to head.

“You had to try it, didn’t you?” I asked.

“What can I say? You knew I was a competitive guy when you asked to go out with me,” he grinned. He pulled his foreskin over the head of his dick and partially over mine.

“This doing anything for you?” I asked.

“Besides hurting? It is kind of intimate, but I think we’ll just let this be you and Ryan’s thing,” Kyle said. He let go of me and dropped to a kneeling position, I did the same. We kissed some more, and then Kyle dropped down to his back and offered himself to me. We made love. It was perfectly natural for me or him to either top or bottom. Our relationship was one of equals. We each brought out something in the other that made the other better. This time ended with me on my back and Kyle on top of me, driving himself up and down on my dick. I eventually thrust myself up into him and filled him. He pulled himself off me and offered me his dick so I could suck him off and could taste his seed as it flowed into me. As usual, we snuggled together afterward, so we could fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Kyle squeezed me extra tightly that night. “I’m so in love with you,” he said, kissing me on the forehead.

“Whoa, that’s the first time you’ve said the word to me!” I replied.

“It’s always been true,” Kyle replied.

“It’s just nice to hear it,” I said. “Say it again.”

“I love you, Jake,” he said, kissing me on the lips.

“Again!” I replied.

“I love you, Jake,” he said.

“Again!” I pleaded.

“I love you, Jacob Michael Finnegan,” Kyle replied once more.

“I love you more, Kyle James McHenry,” I replied.

Kyle squeezed me tightly, content as we’d ever felt.

The next morning, I awoke to find myself alone once again, naked in my bed and covered with a blanket. I pulled on my gym shorts and walked out to the kitchen to find Kyle and my mom chatting. As she cooked breakfast for us.

“Good morning sleepy head,” mom said to me. “I was just about to send Kyle to get you.”

“Your mom was just telling me how much she enjoyed the play,” Kyle said.

“That was even better than the performance your father took me to,” mom said.

“You’re only saying that because I was in it,” I said.

“A mother is allowed to be proud of her handsome boy,” mom said. “And that boy who played the Phantom… Wasn’t he amazing?”

“I thought so too,” I said as Kyle blushed.

“Your father certainly did, Kyle. The poor guy had tears rolling down his face all night.”

“He did?” Kyle asked.

“Oh my yes. I never saw a father so proud of his son,” mom said.

We didn’t use the kitchen table often for eating, but we did that morning. Kyle just smiled the whole time as mom doted on him. I knew he just needed someone to be a mother to him. I would have squirmed under my mother’s loving touch. Kyle was absorbing the love like a dry sponge that hadn’t touched water in years. He was like a nine-year-old boy, just loving being loved. When it was time for mom to go to work, Kyle hugged her and rested his head on her shoulder.

“I wish you could stay,” he said.

“You sweet boy,” mom said. “I’m glad you came to stay with us.”

Kyle watched from the door as she left. Then he turned around to find me sitting on the couch shaking my head at him.

“Are you trying to steal my mom?” I joked.

“No…” Kyle replied, blushing even more after realizing how he’d been acting all morning.

“I get it,” I said. “It’s been a while, I know.”

“I want to take you with me where I’ve never let anyone come with me before,” Kyle said.

“Sure,” I said. “Let’s get dressed.”

Kyle drove us out toward Donora, up to the top of the hill to where the cemetery was. He parked the car near some trees, and offered me his hand as we walked past the gravestones to one of the largest headstones in the place. The name “McHENRY” was carved into the face of the stone, and toward the bottom were two name slots. Karen McHenry’s name was on one side, John McHenry was on the other, with only his birth year carved into the stone.

“Hey mom,” Kyle said. “This is my boyfriend, Jake. I just wanted you to meet him.”

I just stood there silently. Kyle knelt down and brushed away some grass clippings. There was a picture on the gravestone of the entire McHenry family. God, Kyle was so little! My heart broke for him.

Kyle got back up and stood next to me. The wind whipped through his shaggy red hair. “Do you believe people have souls?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“What do you think happens to it when you die?”

“I don’t know. It goes to heaven, I guess.”

“Maybe,” Kyle said. “You know what I think? I think it goes on in some way. I think there’s always some connection, like a string that holds everything together. Life, death… It’s all connected, we’re all connected by it. Is it God? Is it nature? I don’t know. But it ties us all together. Dad was right, mom is still alive in me, and in your mom, and in the smell of Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner, in the wind, in the music of the night…”

I reached up and wiped a tear off Kyle’s cheek.

“I never cried about any of this until you came along,” he said. “I don’t know what you did to me.”

“It takes more than one string to make a harmony,” I said.

Kyle thought about that for a minute. Then he smiled. There was nothing better than when Kyle smiled.