Millennium - 4. Chapter 4

November 5, 1999

I felt like such a tool. I was just lying on my bed, face down, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t believe he would do this. Didn’t he get it? He wasn’t asking me to open up our relationship so he could fuck other guys; he was asking me to open up our relationship so he could have another relationship. I felt the anger and hate grow in my chest, directed at this unknown twink that had captured Robbie’s imagination. I fantasized about interrupting them having sex, and beating the shit out of the twink in front of Robbie. I thought about that, and it made me smile, until my fussy sense of justice reasserted itself and I realized that it wasn’t this kid’s fault that Robbie was with him, it was Robbie’s fault.

A fucking midlife crisis, that’s what Stef thought this was. Maybe it was. Maybe he just needed young guys to lust after him to make him feel attractive. The only problem with that is that it made me feel decidedly unattractive. My approval, my love just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t young enough. I wasn’t hot enough. That fueled my anger even more, and that took me to a really scary place, a place that I never wanted to go. Ending up there, at that place, made me so angry at Robbie I could almost see myself hating him as a result of all that.

This place he took me to, the temptation in front of me was almost irresistible, because I had it in my power to make him stop, to reel him back in. All I had to do was fist him, and then while I was doing it, make him promise to be faithful, to give up other guys. All I had to do was make it painful, to hurt him, to make a fist and refuse to pull out, and he’d do whatever I said. I wondered if that’s what Neil had done toward the end of their relationship. I wondered if Neil had been hurt like I was now, and he did what I was only barely willing to acknowledge was an option. Even as I thought about it, I knew I would never do it, or at least I hoped I wouldn’t. It was so tempting to ease the pain, to snap him back into line, but that would destroy one of the most intimate parts of our relationship. Not the fisting. I could give a shit about that. I did that because it made him feel so good, and because it was my way of showing him how much I loved him. No, if I did that, if I used it to control him, it would destroy the trust and affection that was so key to our lives together. Then again, I thought sadly, that was all but destroyed now.

I looked at my watch and it was 4:00pm. He and his friend were probably wrapping up their work early and heading to the airport. He’d charter a plane, there would be champagne with two glasses waiting for them on board. They’d drink a glass, smile at each other lovingly, and then they’d fuck. They’d land and the limo would pick them up and whisk them off to some hotel where they’d order a romantic room service meal, eat it by candlelight while the balmy Caribbean breeze wafted into the room, then they’d fuck again. And again. And again. I slammed my fist into the bed over and over again, venting my rage and my pain, until I was exhausted and I fell asleep. At least when I was sleeping, I didn’t hurt.

A hand was shaking me awake, but I didn’t want to wake up. If I woke up, I’d hurt. I growled at whoever it was, but the hand refused to move. “Hey,” I heard a voice say. I rubbed my eyes on the pillow to get rid of any residual tears and rolled over to find Cody looking down at me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I came up here to see Matt and Wade play hockey tonight. We have to leave in half an hour,” he said pleasantly. I looked at the clock and it was already 6:00pm.

“I fell asleep,” I told him. “Got a good nap.”

“Your eyes are red,” he said. Then he did that thing he does, that thing where he looks deep into your eyes, trying to penetrate your shields. I usually laughed at him, because it was kind of like that ‘Jedi’ thing on Star Wars: It only worked on feeble minds, so it didn’t work on me. This time, though, for some reason, I instinctively let him in, and it was like he was probing my inner thoughts.

“This is killing you,” he said.

“Robbie told you?” I asked.

“Yeah, last night. He was planning his little trip to Cancun and I asked him what he was doing and he told me all about it,” Cody said.

“Did you fuck him?” I asked, joking. For some reason, Cody fucking Robbie didn’t really bother me.

“Nope.”

“Why not? He’s one of the best bottoms on the planet. This is your big chance,” I said, teasing him.

“You’re right, it is my big chance,” he said. “And I’m going to take it.”

“Hard to do from 400 miles away,” I said. “Your dick is big, but not that big.”

“Too big for you to handle?” he asked me with his seductive voice.

“I didn’t say that,” I said, flirting back. God, he was sexy, but what the fuck was he doing hitting on me? He was the consummate top, and Robbie and he had been eying each other lustfully for years now. “I felt the vibes between you and Robbie. I figured you’d want to finally act on them.”

“My vibes weren’t directed at him,” he said. “They were directed at you.”

“What?” I just stared at him. “You’re just saying that to cheer me up and make me feel less miserable about being a total tool.”

Then he reacted in a way I never expected. He got really offended. “That’s a hell of a thing to say. I tell you that I like you, that I want to be with you, and you accuse me of playing games.”

“I’m sorry,” I said hastily. “I’m really sorry Cody. I guess this whole thing has shattered my self-esteem and I’m having a hard time accepting that you’d pick me over Robbie.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he said, and leaned in and kissed me. There was something about him that was just magical. It was more than his body, which could grace the cover of Men’s Health it was so perfect. It was more than his devastatingly handsome looks, the way his eyes twinkled that special way, his perfect teeth, and his gorgeous blond hair: it was the whole package. But when he kissed me, when our lips connected, it was like he instantly ignited my whole body. I wrapped my hands around his head, pulling his mouth into mine. I felt his hands on my body, exploring, then they got to my crotch. I moaned into his mouth as his hands brushed across my dick as he lowered the zipper on my pants, and then he broke off the kiss and moved his mouth down, our eyes connected the whole time, and swallowed damned near my whole dick.

With a dick as big as mine, getting good blow jobs isn’t easy. I usually end up feeling teeth a lot, and that hurts. I hadn’t been with anyone else for so long, I’d gotten used to Robbie, and he was good at it, he knew my body. Cody was different. He was technically better than Robbie, but he didn’t know what I really liked, and somehow that made it even better. It was so exciting to feel him trying new things with his tongue, his lips, and his throat, and to know that all I had to do was moan and encourage him to let him know exactly what worked. He had me so worked up, so close; I was right on the edge when he stopped.

He stood up and took off his clothes and aimed his dick at my mouth. It was perfect, just like the rest of him. I latched onto him like a ship-wrecked man who found a life preserver, and I was so into it he practically had to tear my mouth off his dick. “Damn you’re good. You’re better than I ever dreamed,” he said in his bedroom voice. “But you’re gonna make me cum, and I don’t want to cum yet.”

“What about the game?” I asked.

“I think we’re going to be a little late,” he said as he pulled my pants off me, and slid my shirt over my head. Then he straddled me, letting my dick lodge between his ass cheeks while he slid up and down, almost taunting me. He did that until he had me almost incoherent with lust, then he grabbed the lube and put it all over my cock, then his ass.

“You bottom much?” I asked.

“Nope,” he said as he started lowering himself down onto me. I saw him grimace in pain.

“Cody, baby, you don’t have to do this. Really. Let’s do it the other way around.”

“You think I’m a pussy?” he asked, smiling as he grimaced. Then he put his mind to it and locked his eyes on mine again. I felt his ass, so tight, so virginal, sliding down and taking my dick, inch by inch. Our eyes were locked the whole time, until I finally felt his cheeks land on my thighs, telling me I was all the way in him. “That feels amazing.”

“You feel amazing,” I told him. I’d topped enough and so had he that we both knew what we were doing. I let him have complete control, I just lay there, while he started to move up and down, back and forth, getting used to my massive dick, letting his body adapt and respond to it. It took a while, but even that was a blast. I’d been so used to Robbie, and while I loved all the stuff we did, he was a little, well, loose. Our fisting and other games I played to stimulate his ass had stretched him out. Cody was damn near a virgin, and having his muscular body, his tight ass, working my dick in such a slow sensual manner was a major turn-on.

“You like this?” he asked playfully. I looked down to where he was stroking his cock, getting it hard again.

“Yeah, I like this a lot,” I told him. He leaned in and kissed me while he began to pick up his pace. Our kiss had linked us again, bringing us together in an incredibly intense bond. It was as if our bodies had merged into one entity, and we were under the control of someone else. He broke off the kiss to pant in my ear.

“Oh God, Brad. I have never felt anything like this before,” he said, almost yelled. “Oh God. You’re gonna make me cum. You’re gonna make me fucking cum.” That brought me to the point of no return. He leaned back and started stroking his cock. It was so engorged it was huge. Then he let out a primal roar, and a shot of cum rocketed across my chest and landed on my cheek. I wiped it off with my hand and sucked it off my fingers, and that set me off. I started blasting in him. He sat on top of me, nursing his own orgasm along, using his weight to force me to use my legs to pump harder, to really work to shoot my load in him. I swear I think I came for ten minutes, so long did it last.

Then we were done. I was lying flat on my back, panting like crazy, trying to catch my breath, with my dick still lodged in his ass. He looked down at me and smiled sweetly, then laughed. I felt his ass squeezing my dick as it got limp, slowly forcing me out and making me giggle. I beamed up at him, at this magnificent man who had taken me to a whole other planet. “I should have used a condom,” I said, feeling guilty.

“Maybe,” he said. “I only have unprotected sex with Max. It’s our deal.”

“I didn’t talk to Robbie about that, because we weren’t supposed to have sex with other people. I guess we both just took a pretty big chance if he’s been fucking around before he came up with this big idea to see other people.”

“I hear pretty much what goes on around town. From what I hear, he’s been faithful, up until now. He’s just got a hard-on for this little twink named Carson.”

Now the twink had a name. “What is it about Carson that makes Robbie like him more than me?” I sounded pathetic.

 

“Carson is one of those cute, skinny little guys. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’s actually a good kid. He’s the kind of guy you just want to pick up and fuck his brains out.”

“You fucked him?” I asked.

“Well yeah,” Cody said, cracking me up. “He makes a guy feel dominant, in charge, like he’s the master of his world.”

“I guess I can’t do that for Robbie,” I said.

“No, you can’t.” It shocked me that he agreed with me. “You’re so fucking hot because of that. You’re a man, strong and attractive, with power, looks, and brains to back it up. You are so far out of Carson’s league it’s laughable. But you can’t play the wimpy, submissive role. It wouldn’t work, it’s not you.”

“In the past, I was always so pissed at Robbie when he’d go find someone else. I was sure that if he gave me a chance, I could be everything he needed. I guess that’s not true,” I told him sadly.

“Brad, you are not this fucking stupid. Get a clue,” he said to me, and not in a nice way. “This isn’t about you at all.”

“He tells me he needs to fuck other guys, not just me, and it’s not about me?” I asked back, challenging him.

“Yeah, that’s right. You’re so busy taking this personally, dealing with the pain, that you’re missing the logic.”

“It hurts really badly,” I said, and felt a tear roll down my face. He kissed it away.

“I know, I know, but it’s not you, baby. It’s not you.” He moved his ass off of me and lay on top of me, his limp dick brushing against mine, and kissed me lovingly.

“Explain it to me,” I ordered.

“What do you think Robbie sees when he looks in the mirror?” Cody asked me rhetorically. “He sees a man who is getting older. The hair on the back of his head is thinning a bit, and that drives him crazy. He knows he either has to get plugs or go bald, and he hates the thought of either one.” He was right, Robbie’s hair was thinning, and it did piss him off. “His body is in great shape, but he has to work harder than ever to keep it that way. Even then, it’s thicker and hairier than it used to be, and he can’t help but compare himself to the young guys he runs into. They have that look that everyone wants. The perfect body, the hairless chest, the thin face. His is getting wider. That’s what happens when you get older.”

“He wants to be you,” I teased, and got a kiss for my compliment.

“He used to be able to overlook that, to deal with it, because when he looked in the mirror, he also saw a successful businessman. He had a string of hit movies under his belt with almost no losers, he wielded enormous power in Hollywood, and he did it all while still being a nice guy. But all of a sudden he’s had two spectacular failures, two movies that flopped big enough that they’ll probably make the record books. He’s got one more chance. He fucks up again, and it will be a long, hard road to make it back to the top. The stakes he’s playing for are high, really high.”

“I’ve had failures lately, but I don’t want to dump him and run off with some twink. Maybe a hot young talent agent, though,” I said, joking with him. He laughed and kissed me again. I felt his dick stirring, and that made me start to get hard again.

“You’d never be able to handle me. You need a relationship, a commitment, and I’m all about fun. We’re best if we’re friends, with benefits,” he said honestly.

“Yeah, I know. So why are his stakes higher than mine? Why do his failures mean more than mine?”

“When he looks at himself, the aura of a successful producer is gone, and all he sees is a balding man fighting to keep his waistline in check. What if you finally managed to push me off of you, got up, made a call, and found out that you were broke. You didn’t just lose a lot of money, you lost all of it. What would you see?” I thought about that, and I could see his point.

“You think I would do the same thing to Robbie that he’s doing to me?”

“Probably not. You are much more stable, and you are too into your family and your responsibilities to flip out like that.”

“So instead, he runs off to find someone else to make him feel good about himself. Because I can’t,” I said.

“Makes him sound pretty pathetic, doesn’t it?” He looked at me sternly.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “So what do I do?”

“You don’t keep throwing tantrums and taunting him about this. Dude, that’s not going to work.” He paused to let me think. “If you were him, would you find that appealing, or attractive?”

“I guess not,” I said.

“And if when he sees you, all he feels is guilt and sadness for hurting you, you think that will make him want to be with just you again?”

“I guess not.”

“You know any guys who really turn you on, that you’d like to fuck?”

I smiled at him. “Yeah, and I just got to do him.”

“Smooth talker,” he said. He waited for me to admit who it was, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, so he went on. “You think a guy like that, that you wanted to fuck, you think he’d find you attractive if you did that?” I shook my head. “You’d have to show him your strength, show him how lucky he would be to be with you. You’d have to make him chase you a bit.”

“Been a long time since I’ve played that game,” I told him.

“No it’s not. You’ve been doing it for years, only you had a security blanket. You had your relationship with Robbie. It made you unattainable. Now you just have to be unattainable by choice. Now that’s hot.”

I laughed. “You make me sound like a fucking tease.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’ll make it easy, spell it out for you. Quit making him feel guilty; quit being a fucking drama queen.” He pissed me off with that and seemed glad that he did. “Ignore him, what he does. He’ll try to get a reaction from you; he’ll try to piss you off. He’ll say he’s not, but he will. Don’t let him see it bother you.”

“Easier said than done,” I said honestly.

“I didn’t say it was easy. When he comes to see you, don’t just fuck him. Make him work for it. Fuck, he took Carson off to Cancun for a weekend. You just going to give it up for nothing?” And that did it, that finally clicked in. He’d found the button that controlled my pride, and pushed it. Clarity began to emerge from my shattered feelings. I felt myself strengthen. No fucking way was I going to be Robbie’s doormat. No fucking way was I going to put up with him treating me like shit. No fucking way was I going to lie there in bed and wait for him to come in and let me fuck him. No fucking way.

“You are a god,” I told him, and pulled him in for another kiss. My dick hardened fully, as did his, and then he fucked me. When Luke fucked me, it had been fun. When Robbie fucked me, he’d been showing me he loved me, and doing it to vary our sex life. But Cody, Cody was an experienced top. He knew exactly what to do, how to work my body, how to make me feel just what he wanted me to feel. He made it really last, really last, and when he brought us off, we did it together, with perfect timing. I screamed so loud when I came, I’m sure half the house heard me.

“Good?” he asked, teasing me.

“No, great,” I said, grinning at him. He collapsed on top of me and I wrapped my body around him, hugging him warmly. Then I suddenly felt new guilt emerge. “What about Max?”

“I love him, I really do, and we’re in a good place. He understands me, how I am, and I understand him. We’re probably not the best match. He needs a guy who will be with just him. I’m not that guy. But we make it work anyway.” He paused.

“Go on.”

“It’s not for me to tell you who to fuck and who not to fuck, OK?” I nodded. “You’re not telling me who this mystery man is that you want to fuck, but I hope it’s not Max. I don’t think he could handle being your fuck-buddy.”

“Even after all these years?” I asked him. I felt the guilt pouring in, like it usually did when I thought about Max and me. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“I know that, he knows that, and I think he’s OK with where you guys are now. He likes surfing with you and doing shit with you. He likes being your friend. But if you fuck him, it will bring out all those old feelings again. You could hurt him really badly.”

“What if he hits on me and I turn him down. Won’t that hurt him too?” I asked. “I’m not trying to rationalize a way to fuck him. Besides, I just found a good friend to mess around with.” He smiled at that.

“He’ll handle it better if you say no than if you fuck him. Don’t think I’m doing this to keep you guys apart. I love Max, and if you two were really going to make a go of it, I’d support you like no one else. But I don’t think that’s going to happen, and I don’t want to see him hurt as bad as you were.”

“Were,” I said, and grinned. “I’m no one’s bitch.” He laughed with me. We got cleaned up and hopped into my old Ferrari and headed up to the rink to watch the hockey game.

“I need you to do me a favor,” I said.

“What?”

“I need to know where Robbie and Carson are staying in Cancun.”

He looked at me nervously. “Why?”

“It’s not enough that I ask you to tell me?” I teased. He’d made me stronger, found that magic button that restored my strength. I knew I’d be fine now, as long as Robbie wasn’t in front of me. “I want to send them a bottle of champagne.”

“You do?” he asked, then started laughing.

“Yeah, I was a bitch on the phone, and you’re right. The guilt trip ends now. I’m done chasing him. He wants me, he better do the running.”

We were stuck in traffic, of course. In the time it took us to get from Escorial to the ice rink, Cody had helped me order a bottle of Dom Perignon with two glasses for their suite. The card simply said: “Enjoy your trip. Love, Brad.” I thought about putting more, but I wanted him to think about it, to ponder what the fuck I meant. Plus, I knew that the gesture would disturb him enough to fuck up his weekend.

We got to the rink and we’d missed the first period. There wasn’t anyone on the ice, just the Zamboni machine. The scoreboard said it was zero to zero. We found JP, Stef, Claire, and Jack and sat next to them. “I did not know you were coming to town,” Stef said to Cody.

“I’m full of surprises,” Cody said, flirting with him. “It’s good to see you too, JP.” He winked at JP and made him blush, cracking us all up.

“I was worried about you,” Stef said to me. He had that look, the look that said he was going to give me some serious shit. “I heard you screaming, more of a bellow, and thought you’d hurt yourself.”

I leaned in and put my lips against his ears as sensually as I could. “Cody fucked me, and it was so good I thought the San Andreas fault opened up. He’s got a great dick, and he knows just how to use it.” I saw him squirming in his seat, trying to control himself. He knew my weaknesses, and I knew his. Cody just shook his head and smiled.

The teams came back on the ice and started skating around. There were lots of cheers and boos, and I didn’t get the boos until I realized Stanford was playing Cal. “We’re playing Berkeley,” I said unnecessarily.

“Very good Bradley,” Claire said, being a smart ass. “Can you read those letters over there too?” She pointed to the sign advertising the local Ford dealer.

“You going to dinner with us afterward?” Jack asked. “You’re invited if you don’t piss anyone off.”

“You love it when I piss people off,” I said. “It makes you want me.”

“Brad, leave my man alone or I’ll hurt you,” Claire said, pretending to be serious. Jack stuck his tongue out at me and I tried to grab it.

“You two act like a couple of teenagers,” JP scowled.

“We’re young at heart,” I said. Unlike Robbie, I thought sadly. He was only young when he was fucking Carson.

I stared down and looked at the ice, watching Matt and Wade skate around with their team. They were both so different on the ice. Wade, with the precise, perfect moves, the moves that made him a really good hockey player; Matt, with his fluid, natural rhythm, a guy who looked mildly sloppy when he skated, but who seemed to dominate the ice. “He’s got an ‘A’ on his jersey!” I said.

“They made him one of the alternate captains,” JP said proudly. “He’s quite a leader on the ice.”

The horn blew and the teams lined up at center ice. The puck dropped, and Matt won the face off, shooting it to his right wing. They charged forward. I watched his agile form as he barreled around a Cal defenseman, clipping the guy enough to throw him off balance. He skated toward the net, took a sharp left turn, and just as he did, another player passed the puck to him. He put his stick out so fast I almost didn’t see it move, and deflected the puck into the goal. The crowd went wild. We went wild. I was jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, cheering loudly for him. I watched Matt skate over to the bench and fist-bump his teammates, and then I saw him scan the audience. I saw him grin when he saw all of us, his grin got even bigger when he saw Cody, and when he saw me, it almost got so big it blew out his face. He winked at me, I was close enough to see it, and I winked back.

I watched him skate, watched his form, and felt eyes on me. I turned to face Cody, and saw his worried expression. “Dude, he’s the guy?”

“No,” I lied.

“Here’s the scary thing. You want him, you can get him. Not his heart, but his body. He worships you, and he’d grab his ankles for you any time you ask. I’m not sure Wade would forgive you. He might though, especially if he were there. But I don’t think Robbie would. And I’m sure Frank wouldn’t.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” I said.

“Yeah, I do,” he insisted. “You want to really hurt Robbie, do it. But it will probably be the end for you two.”

“It’s just a fantasy. I live in the real world,” I told him rudely.

“Unless you’re fucked up,” he said, teasing me.

“I’m stronger than that,” I said. At least I hoped I was. They ended up winning the game with a score of one to nothing. We milled about in the lobby, waiting for them to shower and change. Matt came walking out first. I tried to rationalize my secret lust for him, tried to figure out why, but the reason was simple: the boy was hot as hell. He had features that reminded me of Robbie, especially his eyes, but they were dissimilar enough that it made them unique in my mind. It wasn’t that, it wasn’t his body, it wasn’t the way he smelled, which again, was a lot like Robbie. The thing that really attracted me to him was his playfulness, his joie de vivre. In many ways he was as fun-loving as Stefan, and in my case, he was just as unobtainable. He strolled up to Cody first and gave him a big hug. I stood there patiently, admiring these two handsome men embracing in a non-sexual way. This was a hockey rink, after all.

And then he looked at me, smiled at me kind of funny, and pulled me into a monster hug. He wasn’t like Robbie, where I’d sink into his body. He was hard, all muscle, and when he wrapped himself around me, I felt really secure and really loved. “You going to be around later?”

“Yeah,” I said. “You going to dinner with us?”

“We’re going out with the guys,” he said. “I was wondering if you’d like to join us, you and Cody.” I looked at Cody and he smiled and nodded.

“That sounds like more fun than hanging around and lusting after Jack,” I said, since he was close enough to hear me.

“Nothing is more fun than lusting after me,” he joked. “Go and pretend you’re still in college. We’ll try and have fun without you.”

“You won’t, and you know it,” I said, winking at him. He chuckled and left. Wade came walking out, finally, looking really good. He was so sexy in his own way, but he didn’t have that raw masculinity that Matt had, that made Matt so attractive. Wade was refined and cultured. But still really hot.

“You bring the Ferrari?” Matt asked.

“I did,” I said, smiling. I loved that car. A 1980 Ferrari 308, just like Magnum PI had. Stef had bought it for me when I was still in high school.

“Good, I’m riding with you. Wade can drag Cody’s fat ass to dinner.” He tossed his keys to Wade. We fired up the Ferrari and headed south toward Palo Alto.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Matt said.

“You did eh?” I asked, trying to hide how nervous I was.

“I’m really sorry about all this. I can’t believe Robbie is doing this. I’ve lost so much respect for him.”

“It’s just his mid-life crisis,” I told him.

“Yeah, but he hurt you really bad, and he threw away true love for some young punk. That’s not just wrong, it’s fucking stupid.”

“Thanks Matt,” I said, and gave him a big smile to thank him for his support. “He went away for the weekend, to Cancun, with his new boy toy.” It was so refreshing to see fire flash in Matt’s eyes. Robbie was going to have a lot of damage control to do there.

“Well, you can stay here and I’ll be your boy toy,” he said, flirting mercilessly.

“Right. Wade would kill me, Robbie would never forgive me, and Frank would try to poison my food,” I joked.

“But you want me,” he said playfully, raising his eyebrow seductively.

“Duh,” I said, making him laugh.

“Well you’re the only one with something to lose. Wade told me to go for it as long as he gets a turn too.”

“You’re just trying to boost up my sagging ego.”

“Nope. I want you to fuck me because I want to see if I can handle that massive dick of yours.” We both laughed at that. “Wade wants to because he thinks you’re really attractive, and you have a strong personality. He likes that.” I just shook my head, but it’s a good thing it was dark, otherwise he’d see how furiously red I was from blushing.