Millennium - 17. Chapter 17

November 20, 1999

I stood there staring at him, wanting so bad to make him feel better, but still so angry at him that I just wasn’t capable. Then he started crying, really crying, crying so hard that it might more appropriately be called sobbing. I felt my love for him overpower my disappointment. That I cared for him trumped my lack of respect for him. I moved up and put my arm around his shoulder, but he shook it off.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I said. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t ask him to come here.” I paused. “Of course, you didn’t have to fuck him either.” He looked up to see if I was joking, if I was smiling, and I was. I helped him up and guided him to the bedroom, slipped off his robe, and pushed him into bed, naked. He looked up at me and smiled when he saw me taking off my own clothes. I got into bed with him and pulled him to my chest.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said. “Not just the shit with me, but all of it. These people are relentless. They must have plotted out their plans for months, maybe years. How did they get a guy like Brandon into that position? And how did Carson end up in his position?”

“You hired him,” I said. He nodded. He was so defeated. “Look Robbie, I’m not trying to beat you down. You’re doing a good enough job of that for both of us. What I said was pretty rude, intended really to deceive Carson, but the words had some truth.”

“I know,” he said, almost sulking.

“They caught you at your most vulnerable moment. If your hair wouldn’t have started falling out, this probably wouldn’t have happened,” I told him.

“It’s more than that,” he said. “You’re so strong, and you’re so in charge. You seem to make all the decisions for us, you always have.” He almost sounded bitter. “And you’re so fucking smart that you almost always do the right thing, so there’s nothing to bitch about.”

“Almost?” I teased, trying to lighten the conversation so I didn’t get pissed at him.

“You asked me what it was about Carson that attracted me to him, that made me love him. He was submissive, in that I was in charge, I was calling the shots. I planned the trip to Cancun and the trip to Palm Springs. You asked me why I didn’t do that for us, and the answer is that you always do it.”

“So I’m a castrating bitch, and this is all my fault?” I snapped, my patience wearing thing.

He looked up at me, pleading with me to be patient, to understand. “No, please, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I felt like a junior partner in our relationship.” I just lay there, pretty shocked by that.

“I told Stef this story about how after we fled to Malibu when we were outed, I had this epiphany where I figured us out. I was the author, and you were the editor. Up until that time, I’d felt like you were dependent on me. Then I figured out we were a team, and that’s how we worked.”

“What if I want to be the author once in a while?”

“Then fucking do it,” I said, trying unsuccessfully to control my temper. “If you want to be in charge, you have to take charge. You can’t just sit there and whine because no one let you take the lead.” That pissed him off now, because he knew I hated it when he whined, so when I mentioned it I was definitely dissing him.

“You’re right. My feelings are wrong,” he said.

“Well, when you see David next time you can bitch about me not validating your feelings,” I teased. I pulled his face up and made him look at me. “You took charge in Las Vegas, and it was wonderful, one of the best times I ever had with you.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“You know what I think is really funny?”

“What?”

“You’ve fucked two guys in a row, and gotten interrupted each time. I’m betting you’re pretty horny,” I said, moving my leg against his dick and making him hard. “I mean, I know I’m not as good as those other guys, but I might be willing to fill in,” I joked.

“You are so much better than them,” he said. He leaned in and kissed me, and I could feel all of his emotions. The sadness, the love, the desperation: it was almost overwhelming. I sensed his mood, his need to top, so I turned away, offering myself to him.

“Let’s do it this way,” he said. He put me in the JP position, only this time I got to be JP. I lay on top of him, my back cradled in his soft body, his big dick sliding into me, and his lips on my neck. I felt his hands moving up and down my torso, only the lightest touches, gently flitting over the place where my legs intersect my torso, and then flicking them over my balls. It was so tantalizingly light, it was flat out sensuous. I could feel his body contorting underneath me as he fucked me. First I’d feel his soft skin, so awesome with that thin layer of fat that seemed to cover his body. Then I’d feel his hard muscles as he tensed them up when he thrust into me. Then as he relaxed and pulled out the muscles relaxed and I felt his soft skin again. “I love you so much baby. Those other guys were just holes for my dick. Not you, you’re the only thing that’s important to me,” he cooed in my ear, telling me the words I wanted to hear.

I moaned and felt my body take over, moving itself with him, thrusting into him. I used my ass like Cody had used his body with me, pressing against him, making him work ever harder to push into me. It evolved into what was almost a wrestling match. When he came, and he came first, he arched his back so much he almost pushed me up in the air. I could feel his dick throb as it exploded in me, and I was so focused on that feeling I was almost surprised when I felt his hand on my dick, and more surprised yet when a millisecond later I joined him with my own orgasm.

We disentangled ourselves and reformed into my favorite position, with him on his back and me on his chest. I felt his arm gently stroking me and I sighed, a sigh of contentment.

“So what are we going to do?” he asked.

I thought that was pretty ironic, that he’d ask me that after he went through this whole spiel on how I held on to his balls and wouldn’t let him have them. Instead of being pissed off, I tried to be diplomatic. “We’ve got a plan worked out. I’ll share it with you, I’ll trust you with all of it, but one thing makes me nervous.”

“What?” he asked, pissed because he thought I was questioning his trustworthiness.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you baby, I do. Don’t go there. It’s just that you told me how I always make the plans and tell you what to do.”

“And you’ve got this all planned out and you’re going to tell me what to do?” he asked, but he grinned at me.

“Yeah.”

“So you were listening to my rant, and it got through?” he teased.

“I heard it. I’m not saying I agree with it,” I joked. “And I’m not saying I’m going to change things and give you your balls back.” He laughed with me now.

“This is important. I understand. What do you want me to do?”

“I think I did a pretty good job of acting when I threw Carson out, don’t you?”

“Yeah, you could win a fucking Oscar. What does that have to do with anything?”

“I don’t think you could pull that off,” I said honestly. “You’re too open and too caring to be a lying prick like me.”

“Oh I don’t know about that,” he said.

“We’re going to have four deals on the table between now and December 3. Three normal size deals and one monster. We’re going to try and pretend it’s business as usual, and we’re going to feed Amphion info on our bids by making sure Brandon knows what they are.”

“So you need them to think that all of their plans are succeeding?” Robbie asked.

“Yeah. And it seems that one of their key goals was to destroy you and break us up. If you’re around Carson, he may figure out what you know.”

“You think I can’t keep a secret?” he demanded.

“Not from people you love,” I said.

“I don’t love that motherfucker. The piece of shit played me like a flute and ruined my life,” Robbie said, with an anger I didn’t expect.

“He doesn’t know that you figured that out. He’ll expect that you still love him. Baby, you can’t hide that and you know it.” He looked at me, then grinned and nodded. “So the story has to be that I caught you guys here, and fucked with your mind even more than before. You have to call Carson and tell him that we had a huge fight, and that you need to spend your alone time. Make it sound like you’re pissed at me, but not so pissed that you’ll end our relationship. Then we send you somewhere where he can’t come see you.”

“Where is that?”

“Well, there were two options, but the first one won’t work. We thought you might want to go spend some time with Aaron in Los Negros.” He got all uptight about that, so I held my hand up. “It won’t work unless we use a charter plane like I did to get here today. Brandon knows every move Stef’s Falcon makes. The other option was to have you spend the next few days on Stef’s yacht. It’s in Marina del Rey now. You could fly back with me, hop on the yacht, stay out of sight until Thanksgiving, and then vanish again until December 3.”

“So the only challenge with me is how to get rid of me,” he said grumpily.

“Tell me an alternative. Give me options. You think I want you gone?” I wasn’t sure about that, but I figured he’d think I wanted him around.

“Alright, I’ll do it. What about the company?”

“The only person who will be able to contact you is Evelyn. No e-mails or phone calls will get through. I’ve got a new cell phone for you that only she and I have the number to. It’s OK if I call you?”

“You better,” he said.

“So you can work through Evelyn, and she’ll send you all kinds of shit to read. Hell, you may end up smarter, who knows?” He smacked me playfully.

“What happens to us on December 3?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I told him honestly. I saw him panic. “I don’t want to end our relationship. It’s too important for me. But now that we’ve opened it up, I don’t know if I’m willing to give up that freedom.”

“You willing to let me have my freedom?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” I said honestly.

“So your idea is that you get to fuck around and I can’t? You’re serious?”

“I think we should meet with David about it. Here’s the deal Robbie. Kenan didn’t bother me. If I’d have come in without knowing that Carson was about to arrive, I’d have just joined in and fucked you while you fucked him.” It was funny to see how much he liked that idea. “But I’m not willing to risk another Carson. So you have to convince me that if we have an open relationship, you’re not going to be out looking for another boyfriend instead of just another fuck.”

“I’m not willing to do that, to be on a leash while you run around and fuck anyone you want,” he said adamantly.

“I’m the injured party here. You want me back, that’s where it stands. You want to work out a different deal; you’ve got a tough row to hoe.”

“You make me feel like I’m not even fit to wipe your boots,” he said, pissed off.

“Let’s review, shall we?” I said. If he was a little pissed, I was a lot pissed. “Some twink worms his way into your company, then worms his way into your heart. You let him get his fingers into you, and he drives you nuts until you decide you should have an open relationship. Then you can fuck everyone. Only that’s not what he wants, and it’s not what you want. So after you tear me into emotional pieces, you drop that next shoe, and rip me up all over again. You want a relationship with him. So I try to handle that, and then you blow me off to spend time with him. Then you tell me that you love him. You start out with a provision that allows us to fuck other people, only you lied to me. The whole time you were in love with this other guy. You turned me into a fucking emotional mess, so forgive me if I’m not feeling fucking sorry for you.”

“They targeted me, and he had an ulterior motive,” Robbie said. “It was a planned attack.”

“And you were vulnerable. You could be vulnerable again. You’re asking me to bet my psyche on you being able to fuck other guys and not fall in love with them. I’m not buying it.”

“I’m not doing that,” he said flatly, which was pretty bold of him. “The rules have to be the same for both of us.”

“And I don’t trust you to be with other people, and I’m not sure I’m willing to give up the guys I’ve been seeing,” I said. That hit him really hard.

“You’d give me up for them?”

“Feels pretty shitty doesn’t it?” I asked. “Walk a mile in my shoes.”

“Well if that’s how we feel, then we can’t be together. So if we’re breaking up, fuck this hiding shit. I’m going back to LA.”

“You owe me this,” I said. “And even if you can’t see that, you owe it to my family to do this. Two weeks of being off the radar screen, less the Thanksgiving weekend. That’s the big huge sacrifice you have to make.”

“I owe your family ten days of my life?”

“Yes, you do. You want to walk in and talk to my father and tell him he’s not worth that to you. Or Stef? What about the kids? I’m so sorry this is so fucking hard on you that you have to go on an extended vacation. You found Kenan to keep you busy, you’ll find other people. And you have some serious work to do to rebuild your own career. So why don’t you quit trying to posture about how injured you are, and be a man and do what you have to do.”

“Fuck you,” he said. “Fuck you and all your guilt.”

“Fuck you,” I said back. “Fuck you for being a selfish asshole.” He got up and stormed out of the room, while I got up and took a shower. When I got out of the shower, he was watching television, so I just pulled out my work and started going through papers. Neither one of us said anything.

Around six, I started to get pretty hungry. “What do you want to do for dinner?”

“You’re in charge. You figure it out,” he said nastily. I just looked at him coldly, got up, and went into my room to change clothes. I walked out, straight past him, and headed toward the garage. “Where are you going?”

“Out to eat,” I said.

“What about me?”

“Oh, I figured you’d just sit around here and starve while you tried to make a fucking decision,” I said, not quite yelling, but almost. He stood up and threw down his magazine, and we just glared at each other. I stormed into the garage, got into the Jeep we kept there, started it up, and then turned it off. This was stupid and childish. I walked back into the house.

“You forget something?” he asked, being a smart ass, but I let it go.

“You. Come on. I don’t want to fight anymore.” I watched my words impact him.

“Me either,” he said. He followed me out to the garage and I turned to him and smiled.

“Will it make you feel better if I let you drive?”

He smiled. “Fuck no. You drive. I’m getting hammered.” We drove into Lahaina and ate at this restaurant that was on stilts, right up next to the water. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, because the place had a festive atmosphere, but it suited our mood.

“We really messed us up, didn’t we?” he said as we drank our wine.

“We’re messed up,” I sort of agreed. His statement implied a more equal share of blame than I was willing to concede.

“Will you go with me to see David?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” I told him. “You want to do that before you go on board the yacht?”

“I probably should,” he said.

“You know, there’s another alternative to you going away on the boat,” I said, thinking more clearly now.

“What?”

“You could just go stay at Escorial. No one could get to you unless you left the grounds.”

“I’m trapped either way,” he said.

“You could do both, spend some time on each,” I said.

“Where will I get to see more of you?” he asked.

“Why, you going to pick the opposite place?” I teased.

“Maybe,” he said, and hit me with that fucking grin of his.

“Let’s go home and have make up sex,” I said.

“We haven’t made up yet.”

“Let’s pretend that we have.” We laughed about that, and then headed home.

 

November 21, 1999

 

We were both quiet on the drive up to Escorial; we’d been quiet on the flight back to the mainland. Except for the raucous sex we had last night, we’d just been pretty damned silent. I was frustrated with him and with myself. I was frustrated with him for all the obvious reasons, for all the shit he’d put me through. I was frustrated with myself for having achieved my goal, and not really wanting it. Ever since November 2 when he told me he wanted to see other people, I’d been planning, plotting frantically to get him back. And now when he was more than willing to go back in time, I didn’t want to.

The limousine drove up to the familiar gates that opened automatically, and then Rafael pulled up to the front door and dropped us off. Robbie jumped out of the car and headed in, not bothering to wait for me. “Thanks Rafael,” I said, and made my way inside more slowly.

Not everyone knew what was going on. It’s not that we didn’t trust them, it just didn’t seem necessary to add a whole bunch of people to the list who didn’t really need to know. That pissed Robbie off too, because he was casting himself as a victim in this whole thing, and that was tough to play off if they didn’t know the truth.

I headed straight into my father’s study and was fortunate to find both him and Stef there. I closed the door behind me, getting a raised eyebrow from Stef. “How was Hawaii?” Stef asked.

“Shitty,” I said. I told them all about it, about Kenan, about Carson, about our fight, and about our impasse. “I don’t know what to do,” I said in the end.

“You think it’s reasonable for Robbie to allow you to be with other people when you won’t let him?” JP asked.

Stef jumped in, as he usually did, to defend me. “After I was shot and I went through that long recovery, I went to Paris with you all and Armand.” We all got sad when he mentioned Armand, who was one of the first AIDS victims. “I came back early and found Greg hosting an orgy in my room and fucking some twink. We had set out specific people we could fuck, and the twink was not on the list. He told me that since he broke the rules, he would be monogamous, but since I did not break the rules, I did not have to be.”

“Just because it worked for you and Greg doesn’t mean it will work for Brad and Robbie,” JP said. “It seems to me that you will have two choices. Have your old relationship back with Robbie, or have a relationship where you’re just friends.”

“See, Dad, that’s the thing. That should be a no-brainer. Only it’s not, and that’s what worries me.”

“Who are these other men that have so captivated you?” he asked.

“The important ones are Kevin and Tim, along with Cody and Max,” I said. “There are many others, of course.” I added, teasing Stef.

“Of course,” Stef said.

“It almost sounds to me like you want to set up a scenario where you can hurt Robbie, but he can’t hurt you back,” JP said.

“Is that so unreasonable?” I asked, partly joking. “That’s how this month has been for me.”

“Brad, I’ve tried not to tell you how to live your life,” JP said.

“Not that it would have done any good anyway,” Stef interjected, making us chuckle.

“But I want you to think about the big picture here. You have what you wanted in your grasp. Are these other men worth it over the long run?” JP asked.

“What if one of those men is better for me over the long run?” I asked.

“You really think that?” he asked.

“Cody isn’t really a relationship candidate, but he sure is fun to sleep with,” I said.

“That much is certain,” Stefan agreed.

“Max, well, there’s still something there. We’re compatible in so many ways, and he’d never do this to me, he’d never cheat on me or want to fuck other people.”

“But?” Stef asked.

“But he’s not as exciting as Robbie. Robbie challenges me, and I guess that means there’s risk. We push our limits together.”

“What about Kevin?” JP asked.

“He’s fun, he’s incredibly sexy, and we have an amazing connection, but he’s only 20. I’m almost twice his age.”

“I do not think that really matters to Kevin,” Stef observed.

“No, but it matters to me. And besides, he’s got so much of his life ahead. He’s going to meet his life partner at 20?”

“You met Robbie before then,” JP observed.

“Yeah, and look how well that’s working out.”

“Then there is the scrumptious Father Tim,” Stef teased.

“He’s really sweet, and so kind, gentle, and caring. And he’s such a virgin. We blow each other and he thinks he’s sinned. He has this aura of calm that makes me feel so safe and so centered. He’s just a really good person. But I don’t think it would work, because he’s a Christian, and I’m not.”

“And which of those would you trade for Robbie?” JP asked.

“That’s not the question, Dad,” I said. “You keep pushing me toward him. Is it because you think he’s right for me, or because you like him?”

“That’s really not fair, Brad,” he objected.

I sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. This whole thing has got me so messed up, I can’t even have a civil conversation with you anymore.”

“You said that was not the question, those guys vs. Robbie. What did you mean?” Stef asked.

“I’m not required to make a commitment to any of those other guys,” I said. “The only one who would pressure me is Tim. Well, and maybe Max. Plus I’d be able to fuck Matt.”

“That is not a good idea,” JP said firmly.

“Why not? You did,” I said, teasing him. He gave me a dirty look while Stef giggled.

“I don’t have an answer for you,” JP said. I just nodded and left. Usually when I asked him for advice, I’d get some really good guidance, a good direction. This time when I walked out of JP’s office I felt just as lost as before.

I went down to our room and found Robbie moping around. “We need to talk,” I told him.

“Great,” he said unenthusiastically.

“Look, I’m trying to bring a better attitude to the table and you’re not helping,” I snapped.

He relented. “I didn’t know that, and I’m just defensive. Let’s talk.”

“I’m really confused right now. I know some things for sure. I know I love you, but not as much as I did three weeks ago. I haven’t forgiven you for hurting me, and you haven’t proven to me that you’re sorry, and that you even want me back.” He was about to argue. “I believe you were supposed to grovel, and there was supposed to be some effort expended to win me back?”

He grinned. “I believe there was.” He got somber. “It kills me when you say you don’t love me as much as you did.”

“Well, if we take a bucket of water out of the Pacific Ocean, it’s really not all that much lower, is it?” He laughed. “I need my freedom through December 3. I have to be able to deal with this thing with Amphion, and I have to be the estranged spouse. Plus I promised Cody I’d fuck some size queen actor client of his.” That actually made Robbie laugh.

“So we’re free until December 3,” he said.

“We are. I still haven’t changed the way I feel about you and other guys though. If you build another relationship, make sure it lasts.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked belligerently.

“Because on December 3, when you try to convince me that we should be a couple like we were, if you have another boyfriend, he’ll be your only boyfriend.”

“So you’re threatening me?” he asked, outraged.

“To you it’s a threat. To me, I’m just telling you how it is. Regardless, you’re a free man for two more weeks.”

“Only I’m locked up here or on a boat,” he grumbled.

“Lucky for you Stef hired the crew on the boat,” I said. “Besides, it gives you time to plan how you’re going to win me back.”

“If winning you back means you’re free to fuck around and I’m not, I don’t know if I want to,” he said.

“Maybe you just have to convince me that you’re worth being monogamous for.”

“I guess we’ll see,” he said, in a really snippy way. I’d really planned for that whole conversation to go much better than it did. Yet another one of my schemes that failed miserably.