Millennium - 31. Chapter 31

December 6, 1999

The rest of the flight home had been tortuously quiet. We both realized the abyss we’d opened between us, and neither one of us wanted to risk a total explosion by saying something stupid. It wasn’t until we got out of the plane and into the car that Robbie started talking.

“So what’s next for us?”

I started laughing, and even though it pissed him off, I couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry,” I managed to say.

“What’s so fucking funny?” he demanded. He was really angry, even angrier than he’d been on the plane. “I ask you about our future, and you laugh? Are we just a big joke to you now?”

I got my laughter under control. “No, we’re not, and I’m sorry. You just reminded me of something funny.” He glared at me, demanding with his eyes that I tell him what it was. “I was thinking back to our trip home from Yosemite. You were so pissed off at me, you hardly said anything the whole way home. But every time we’d get to a big interchange, you’d talk.”

“I did not.”

“You did. I remember we’d been arguing when we hit I-680, and I was all upset because there was this huge long stretch between there and 101. I had to sit there in silence that whole way before you’d talk again.”

“I don’t remember it that way.”

“I just thought it was really cute that you did a similar thing right now. I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you,” I said. I put my hand on his shoulder and that made him jump.

“I thought you were making fun of me.”

“I wasn’t. We have lots of shared memories, you and I, and they’re mostly good. Sometimes I think about them and smile.” I saw him mellow slightly. “You asked me a question. What’s next for us? What do you think?” I threw it back at him, since I figured that if he was so convinced I was a big domineering bastard, let him come up with a solution.

“I guess we can live our own lives in the same house,” he said.

“Were you thinking of moving into your apartment?” I asked him, trying to hide how upset that made me.

“Do you want me to?”

“No, I want you to stay right where you are.” I moved next to him and put my arm around him, and leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I want you close.”

“I won’t get in the way?” he asked in his smart ass tone. I was trying really hard, and he just kept kicking me in the balls.

“You know, if you’re going to keep hitting me with this attitude, it’s going to be very counterproductive to whatever you want us to end up as, unless bitter enemies is your goal,” I said. That was my shot across the bow, my warning that he was really pushing my limits.

“I’m just grappling with all this, with ending this, and it makes me really sad.”

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you ending it? Aren’t we worth some effort? It seems to me that all we really have to do is be nice to each other and we can get along.”

“I’m too pissed at you to be nice to you.”

“What do you want from me?” I asked, my patience exhausted. “I told you where I was, and you told me where you were, and there’s a big gap. I’m sitting here wondering if it can be closed, if we can be a couple again, but it’s awfully fucking hard when all you do is try to piss me off.”

“I’m not sure I see the hope that you see,” he said.

“So just because I’m not operating on your timetable, we can’t even try to be together? Now who’s the domineering asshole?” We sat there, pissed off, as the car drove us north. “I’ve been planning to move into the master bedroom in Stef’s old house. I’m going to do that when I get home. That way, you won’t have to be traumatized by seeing me when you’re home.”

“You’re going over there so you can be closer to Cody,” he accused.

“No, I’m going over there because I like it better, and because it will get me away from you and your stupid ass fucking bullshit,” I said, screaming at him. I think he finally got that he’d pushed me to the end. “This is getting really fucking old. I’m done with these stupid conversations, where you don’t listen to me at all, you just jump to conclusions.”

“It’s all my fault.” That he said this, jumping to a conclusion, almost made me laugh in his face, but I didn’t.

“Pretty much,” I said.

“Explain that,” he demanded. I just ignored him. We got home and went our separate ways, he went up to our room and I went to see the kids and Jeanine. She gave me one of her smarmy looks, but I was so sick of Robbie’s bullshit it was easy to transfer it to her. I gave her such an evil look I scared the shit out of her. In the end, the kids had their own things going on, and while they were happy to see me, they were just as glad to have me leave them alone. I wandered upstairs to find Robbie packing up a suitcase.

“I’m staying at the apartment for now,” he said.

“I’ll leave the rest of your stuff here when I move mine. Don’t feel like you can’t come here, and don’t feel like this isn’t still your home.”

“I don’t feel very welcome here,” he snapped. “It’s better if I’m not around.”

The problem was that we knew each other so well it was easy to push each other’s buttons. He’d been trying to set me off since we got off the plane. It was the equivalent of a guy poking me in the chest until my fist finally flew at his face. Well, he’d finally succeeded. He’d finally managed to really piss me off, to really make me lose it. “That’s it. That’s it. Bail out on everyone. Why not? You only think about yourself anyway. So fucking typical of you. So go. Never mind that the kids actually like you. Never mind that Darius thinks the sun rises and sets on your brainless head. Never mind that you’re probably the only reason Jeanine can even stand to be here. Just think about yourself. You’re so very good at that.” I turned on my heel and stormed toward the door.

“Brad!” he called. I just flipped him off and kept on going, down the stairs, through the passage, and into Stef’s old house. There was something about this place, the vibes, whatever it was, that made it more comfortable. I sat on the deck and pulled out a joint, lit it, and let the pot calm my nerves. Maybe I just needed to be by myself. Maybe this relationship thing wasn’t for me.

I heard the patio door open and turned to see who it was. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving,” Robbie said, only poking his head out, like he was afraid of me. He should be. I ignored him, assuming he’d leave. I heard the door close, and then heard footsteps. “I’m not leaving permanently; I just figured we could use a little space.” His tone wasn’t obnoxious; it was friendly and a little sad. That, combined with the pot, mellowed me out.

“That’s probably a good idea,” I said. “This is the big season for parties, and we’re booked up. You want to let me know which ones we’re doing together, and which ones we’re not?” Parties here were mostly for him and his business, so I was pretty much only going because he wanted me to. If he wanted me to.

“I was thinking maybe we could cover that over dinner on Wednesday. You have plans?” Now he was being nice.

“I do now,” I said, smiling at him. He leaned in to give me a kiss, being very daring. If he’d have done that ten minutes ago I might have bit his lips off. But it was a nice thing to do, and a nice kiss. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too,” he said. I watched his handsome form as he strode out, and then looked away before I remembered how much I loved him. I sat on the deck for the longest time, enjoying this place. I decided that in the future, this would be my house, and the other place would be “our house”, even though I didn’t know whom I would be sharing it with.

I heard the door open and wondered if Robbie had come back, then for a split second wondered if I wanted him to, but those thoughts were brushed aside by a familiar voice. “When did you get back?” Cody asked me.

I got up and gave him a big hug and a really nice kiss. “A couple of hours ago.”

“Where’s your husband?” he joked. He saw my expression and got a worried look on his face.

“He’s staying at his apartment for a couple of days,” I told him.

“I thought you guys were working things out.”

“You talked to Stef?”

“Of course. He was so excited about the cufflinks you got, he had to call and tell me. You didn’t give them back did you?”

I laughed. “Fuck no. I’m keeping them. And the Ferrari he bought me too.”

“So what happened?”

I sighed. “He wanted to go back to the way things were, and I wasn’t ready to do that yet. I told him there were a couple of guys I still wanted to be with.”

“And he didn’t like that idea?”

“No. He was pissed because I got to pick the guys,” I joked. “So in the end, we just decided that we’d keep this open thing up for another 30 days, where we could fuck whoever we wanted.”

“Who were the guys?”

“You and Kevin,” I said, and felt myself blush.

“He’ll be pissed at me, but you’re worth it,” Cody said. “So why’d you do it? You had it, got what you wanted. You had him back; he was doing everything for you.”

“I wasn’t ready yet. It takes me longer to get over shit like this, I guess. I don’t know. I told him that if I made that commitment, I’d end up cheating on him. I guess I’m a selfish ass for not getting over it, but I just can’t. I just didn’t. And now, with all this bullshit he’s throwing at me, I feel like I did the right thing.”

“I was going to go out, but I figured I’d stop at home and change clothes first. I’m thinking maybe I’ll stay in instead.” He leered at me.

“What about Max?”

“He hasn’t been around much,” Cody said sadly, then tried to play it off like he wasn’t upset.

“Where is he?”

“After Thanksgiving, he got involved in that mission you guys were working on. And then he got involved with Father Tim.”

I just stared at him, my mouth wide open I was so stunned. “I’m so sorry. Here I am, so focused on my own problems; I didn’t even know this was going on.”

“It’s OK, Brad, really. I knew that we weren’t a couple, we weren’t going to be. I was just a placeholder for him, and he was the same for me. I really do love the guy, but he seems happy, and Tim is better for him anyway.”

“Did he move out?”

“Not officially, but he’s been spending most of his time over there. This weekend, he didn’t come home. He called me, and told me he was there, so it’s not like he just vanished.”

I nodded. “Tim’s a real rookie. He’ll miss you.”

He smiled, appreciating my attempt to boost his sexual ego. “Max is a good, loyal guy. He needs someone stable and loving. Someone to be there for him, that he can rely on. He didn’t have that with Marcel, and he didn’t have that with me. He has that with Tim. When you see him, you’ll understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know that peaceful serenity that Tim has? It’s like he’s transferred it to Max. Max just seems so happy, and so content. And he’s such a sweet guy. He was home on Friday and he was all worried about me. Worried that he’d hurt me. Like that would happen.”

“He knows that your heart isn’t made of Teflon,” I said firmly. “He knows that he hurt you, you just aren’t going to let it show.”

“Robbie dump you because you were this annoying with him?”

I laughed. “No, but I could read his mind like this and it pissed him off, so I guess in a way, you’re right.”

“Enough of this bullshit. Let’s fuck.” I laughed, then he shut me up with a kiss, then we fucked, and it was really really good.

December 7, 1999

 

I wondered if Robbie would even answer my calls anymore. I put that aside. As pissed off as he was, he’d still talk to me. We’d always at least be friends. Still, when the call went to voice mail, I felt a little nervous. That emotion was replaced by a smile as I thought about last night. It was like Cody and I had both been men who had been walking in a desert and we’d found an oasis: each other. I had been insatiable; I couldn’t get enough of him. He seemed to be the same way. I stifled a yawn and smiled again. I’d been up all night, just fucking and then hanging out with him, talking.

My phone rang and I felt relieved when I saw it was Robbie. “You called?”

“I was wondering if you were too mad to answer,” I joked.

“Nah,” he said casually. “I’ll always at least yell at you.” We laughed. “I was in a meeting.”

“That’s why I’m calling. I’ve got to go up to the Bay for a couple of days. I was wondering if we could have our scheduling dinner tonight.”

“Hang on,” he said. I heard the clicks as he checked his schedule. I wondered if he’d blow me off; tell me he had a date. “Sure, I’m open. I was actually planning to come home tonight for JJ’s birthday.” Home: at least he still considered our place home.

“Well he’s got a skating practice and something planned with his buds down there at the rink. We’re pretty low on the ‘hanging out’ priority list of a 13-year-old.” He chuckled at that. “You want to pick the place?” I asked.

“Sure. Meet me here around 7pm and I’ll take you out.” I hung up the phone and felt very disturbed, and I knew exactly why. He’d been calm and relaxed. If he’d been upset about us not being together, he’d have shown it. And the fact that he was making time for me wasn’t a good sign either. If he was upset about losing me, he’d have tried to make me jealous. I rationalized all this by telling myself that he needed to be in a better place too, if we had a chance to be a couple again. I repressed the part of me that wondered what the odds of that were. On the other hand, maybe he was just being open and honest. Maybe he wasn’t playing games anymore. Maybe if neither one of us did that, we’d be able to work our way back to a healthier relationship, whatever that was.

“I heard you make plans for dinner. Does that mean you’re free for lunch?” Jeanine asked, surprising me and breaking into my thoughts.

“I didn’t hear you come out here,” I said. “Sure. Where are we going?”

“You let him pick the place for dinner; I’ll let you choose the restaurant for lunch. I’ve got some errands to run. I’ll meet you back here at 11:30.”

I smiled. “I’ll see you then.” I wanted to do something nice to thank Robbie for taking me to St. Barts. In the end, I called and ordered some flowers and had them put a note in thanking him for taking me away for the weekend. There really was no reason to be rude, and a nice thank you was the obligatory thing to do. At least that’s how I rationalized it. I spent the morning going over spreadsheets and proposals, ideas for investments that Stef had funneled my way. I was going to have to change my paradigm. I was way too focused on tech deals.

“You think you can pull yourself away long enough for lunch?” Jeanine asked, interrupting me at 11:30.

“Happily,” I said. I took her to a nice restaurant in Malibu, one that was close. She didn’t really say much in the car on the way there, and I was just fine with that. We got to the restaurant and I watched her walk in, looking fantastic in her Chanel suit. She reminded me of my mother when she dressed like that. “You look really good today.”

“Thanks. I got this suit last week. I went on a shopping spree,” she said, smiling.

“I’m glad you did,” I told her. I’d tried to convey to her that it was OK for her to spend money on herself, and over the years, I think she figured out that it was OK to splurge on nice clothes and shoes and shit like that.

“We have some things to talk about,” she said after we sat down and ordered.

“I gathered as much,” I told her. “I have a few things on my agenda as well.” I was teasing her, being business-like, and that got a friendly smile.

“I don’t know that it would interest you, but I met someone, and I’ve started a relationship with her.”

I stared at her, stunned, and then smiled. “That’s great, that’s fantastic! I’m really happy for you!” It was really rewarding to see how happy she was that I was happy for her.

“You know her.”

“I do?” I went through the files in my brain, trying to think of girls Jeanine knew.

“She’s JJ’s figure skating coach.”

“Tiffany? The hot girl? Damn, you have good taste.” She was a cute little blond. I didn’t know she was a lesbian. No wonder Matt hadn’t been able to sleep with her.

“I think so,” she said. “We want to live together, so I figured that it would be best if I moved out.”

“Why would you do that? There’s plenty of room.”

“I’m not sure how that would work,” she said nervously.

I swallowed hard. “I know that we haven’t been particularly close. I’m sure I do things that piss you off, and it’s probably my fault that we’re not. But I really do care about you, and I want you to be happy. And it would be irritable in the extreme not to have you around.”

“Sometimes I feel like the hired help, and not someone who’s raising a family with you,” she said.

“I’m sorry about that. This whole thing with Robbie and me has been really hard on me. I think one of the good things is that I had my eyes opened up a bit, and I can see why you might feel that way.”

“You can?” she asked, really stunned.

“Yeah. The only thing I’m worried about is how I’m going to do better. I’m getting older, and I’m not really good at changing.”

She smiled at me. “You look as young as the day we conceived Will.”

“It was night, as I recall,” I said, teasing her. “I’ll need your help with that though.”

“With changing?”

“Yeah. I didn’t plan to treat you this way, or for you to feel this way, so obviously I’m oblivious to how I’m acting. What I need from you is to be more assertive in telling me when I piss you off, or worse, hurt your feelings.”

“I can do that. You’re such a powerful person Brad, and I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about your presence. You can be kind of intimidating. But you’re giving me permission to get in your face, and I will. I just expect you to listen to me, and be nice to me when I do.”

That really bothered me. Between the two of them, Jeanine and Robbie, I was starting to feel like a total dick. Lots of people liked me. Why didn’t they? “If I don’t, call me on it. I’ll remember and shut up.”

She laughed, and I remembered what a beautiful laugh she had. “What are you looking at?”

“At you, at you laughing. You really are beautiful, and when you laugh, it just lights up your whole being. I hope I get to see you laugh more often.”

“I hope so too,” she said. “I’ll talk to Tiffany about moving in.”

“One of the things I was going to talk to you about was my moving over to Stef’s old house. I like his master bedroom better. The layout of that house just appeals to me more than our house. I mean, I don’t want you to take this personally, but I feel more comfortable there.”

“I won’t take it personally, I just think it’s funny, since I feel the same way about our house. I like it so much better. Maybe it’s all the testosterone over at Stef’s old place.”

I laughed. “Well, I need to talk to Robbie about it to make sure he’s alright with the change. If he is, you can have the master bedroom in our house.”

“And when did you decide to do this?”

“Last night when Robbie and I got back from St. Bart’s and weren’t talking to each other.”

“You make relationships look very challenging,” she observed, but there was a sympathetic note in her voice that was very comforting.

“I’m having dinner with him tonight. Let me run it by him.”

“I’m glad you’re consulting him about this. I think he’ll appreciate it.” She got apprehensive, like she had something important to say, and then blurted it out. “There’s something else we have to talk about. Tiffany thinks JJ has real skating potential. She thinks he can make it to the Olympics.”

“Really? That’s amazing. He’s great, I mean, he’s really great, but I didn’t think he was that good.”

“He hasn’t had any shows lately, and I didn’t want to bother you to just go watch him practice, so you won’t have seen how he’s improved. I don’t mind going, because I have other things to distract me,” she said, referring to Tiffany. That really cracked me up. “We’ve lined him up with a professional coach in El Segundo. Tiffany has taken him as far as she can.”

“That’s great.” I didn’t get where this was going.

“JJ is very focused on his skating. It’s really the world to him. Unfortunately, his schedule at school is rough to work around. I’m thinking of hiring tutors for him instead. I think he’ll end up learning more, and he’ll get to spend more time doing what he likes.”

“You want to take him out of school so he can skate?” I asked her. I didn’t see why he couldn’t work around it. “I’m worried that he’ll lose himself in this.”

“Brad, he’s already lost himself in it. He’s absorbed by it. It has a bigger hold on him than girls do on Darius, or surfing has on Will. I think that the best thing for us to do is support and encourage him. Anything else would really just make him mad.”

“I’m just worried about the social aspects of school that he’ll be missing. Friends, socializing, all the school functions like the prom, all that shit.”

“He’s short and he hates school. He can only tolerate it because he has two very popular brothers that no one wants to mess with. I think when he’s at school, he’s in their shadow. When he’s on the ice, he’s his own person.”

“I understand where you’re coming from, but I’d like to think about it,” I told her.

“I hope in the end you’ll trust me on this. He confides in me, and we’re close, probably as close as you and Will are. You have to know that I only want what’s best for him.”

I nodded. “I do. It’s just a big thing to drop in my lap. Is it too much to ask for a couple of days to think about it?”

“No, that’s fine. I guess I was worried that you’d try to mandate that he do those things, that he stay in school and be the big man on campus.” She must have seen me getting pissed at that. “I should have known better. I should have known you’d think of him first.”

“Thanks,” I told her. “I should talk to Robbie about it too.” I wondered if he’d care enough to get involved.

“There’s one other thing we need to talk about: Will.”

“Is there something wrong with him?” I asked, near panic.

“No, he’s just fine, and he reminds me of you every time I look at him.”

“Is that good or bad?” I asked, almost flirting.

“It’s mostly good, but I need you to back me up with him. I try not to lean on him too hard, to give him his space to surf. And he does well in school, so that earns him lots of freedom. But it really undermines me when I tell him he can’t do something, and you tell him he can.”

“Like I did the day I came home from the hospital and I let him go surfing,” I said guiltily.

“Yes, like that,” she said, smiling, happy that I got it. “I know that you and he have an amazing bond, and that my relationship with him doesn’t come close.” She held up her hand to silence my protests. “It is what it is, Brad. I’m not blaming you, and I’m not mad about it. But I’m not willing to put up with him being disrespectful.”

“I don’t blame you one bit,” I told her sincerely.

“I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“I’ll back you up,” I told her, “but I want you to think about the penalties you impose. If it’s a surf competition that’s important to him, that’s going to be tough for him to live with.”

“You can trust me to figure that out,” she said. I wanted to remind her of the big event last year, when she didn’t, and she’d tried to ground him. I didn’t have to. “I can learn from past mistakes.”

“This has been a really nice lunch,” I said as I paid the bill. “I think now, more than ever, it’s important for us to get along and try to be friends, not just people who live in the same basic house.”

“Why, now more than ever?” she asked.

“Because we’ll have Tiffany staying with us,” I told her.

She smiled. “And you don’t want to fight in front of her?”

“We don’t fight, we just ignore each other. You’re too passive-aggressive to fight,” I said, teasing her. “I want her to feel comfortable.”

“Thanks for thinking of her. I haven’t felt like this about anyone for a really long time. I feel as if I’m leading her into a snake pit.”

“If ‘snake’ is a pseudonym for ‘penis’, you are,” I teased.

“You know, when we spend time like this, I remember why I seduced you all those years ago.”

I laughed. “You did seduce me, now that I think about it. Some lesbian you are.”

“I’m a really good lesbian, with a hot new girlfriend to show for it,” she teased. We left the restaurant laughing, and I was happy that at least one important relationship in my life was partially repaired.

I took her home, hung out long enough to wish JJ a happy birthday when he got home, and then got a ride down to the Ferrari dealer to pick up Robbie’s car, the one I’d beat up so badly. My cell phone went off as I was cruising along the PCH. It was Robbie.

“I got your flowers. That your way of apologizing?” he asked rudely.

“No, it was my way of thanking you for being so thoughtful last week.” I was working to maintain my calm, but he made it so hard.

“Oh,” he said.

“I was going to send you a catered lunch, but Evelyn said you had plans. Then I thought about an ice cream sundae for an afternoon treat, but it’s so fucking cold outside I figured that wouldn’t be your thing. So I settled for flowers. I know its lame.”

“That was nice of you,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. Just try to be pleasant when I do nice things for you. It makes it more rewarding.” He chuckled. “I have a question for you. You don’t have to answer it now, but I wanted you to think about it.”

“Go ahead.”

“Would you mind if we both moved over to Stef’s old master bedroom? I’d kind of like to let Jeanine have our old room.”

“So she can invite Tiffany to move in?” he asked. It really pissed me off that he knew all about that and I didn’t, but I didn’t say anything. “Let’s talk about it at dinner.”

“See you at 7,” I told him. I had the distinct feeling this dinner was a much bigger event than just scheduling our social engagements