The Great Mirror of Same-Sex Love - Poetry - 16. ...Judy Garland, a rooster and a brother – oh, my!...

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from “Curing H*m*s*x**l*ty”

According to

psychoanalytic theory, everything you say

means something even more sinister than

what you thought you meant. Your unknown

desires live within you and control your outward

behavior. For instance, if you say,

“It’s such a beautiful day today

I wanted to leave work early,”

the psychiatrist will interpret this to mean

you are dissatisfied with your job

and this in turn means you are sexually frus-

trated and this goes back to your miserable

childhood which means he’ll probably

respond with, “Do you think that this means

you resented your mother when she

wouldn’t let you play with yourself – hmm?”

If, for example, you say you had a dream about flying

he’ll interpret it as a dream of sexual

frustration and penis envy meaning

you are really sick since only women

are supposed to have penis envy! He’ll

probably ask you, “How did you feel when

you first saw your father’s instrument?

Did you notice it was bigger than yours?

Did he seem ashamed of his?

Did you want to touch it?”

If you tell him you don’t recall

what it looked like, he’ll tell you

you unconsciously wanted it to fall off

so you could flush it down the toilet.

If, by chance, you tell him you wanted to kill

your father and rape your mother he’ll tell you –

“Now we’re getting someplace!” and

Pronounce you have an Oedipus conflict.

Otherwise, he’ll listen for key words, like

umbrella, closet, brother, rooster, shit, nude

and Judy Garland, all of which convey

a large surplus of unconscious h*m*-

s*x**l material. For instance, never say:

“I put my umbrella in the closet

and found my brother in the backyard

beating the shit out of a rooster

while looking at nude pictures of

Judy Garland. “ To a psychiatrist this means:

umbrella = phallic symbol = womb = death = fear that it will

rain at your funeral and no one will come

closet = phallic symbol = womb = mother = castration = desire

to work for a fast food chain = prostitution = fear of underwear

brother = phallic symbol = sibling rivalry = castration = desire to

stick your finger up your ass and smell it

rooster = phallic symbol = cock = flying = fear of Karen Black =

crashing = fear of impotence = hatred of women = fear of

oxygen

shit = phallic symbol = fear of dirt = work = puritan work ethic

= father’s penis = sexual frustration = deviations = fascination

with dirt = bad toilet training = sexual hostility toward pilgrims

nude = phallic symbol = opposite sex = original sin = truth =

fear of gardens = self-deception = poor sanitation habits =

desire for death and return to Earth Mother = return to disco =

hatred of mother = love of analyst but always waiting for

someone better to come along = desire to live in a hole in

the ground

Judy Garland = phallic symbol = fear of tornadoes = love / hate of

sucking = confusion of identity = desire to have oral relations

with a lap dog = necrophilia = fear of Easter bonnets = desire

to be a woman = fear of bad breath = spiritual destitution =

desire to be Dr. Kinsey = existential malfunction = fear of tubas

= fear of dude ranches and desire to perform unnatural acts on

Mickey Rooney = fear of short, pimply people

Like a cancer, one sentence can devour your entire psyche.

—Jim Everhard[i]

1982