The Great Mirror of Same-Sex Love - Poetry - 82. . . . how you became a rigid bloke over night? . . .

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Martial –

A selection of tongue-in-cheek epigrams

[‘To an Ancient Metro Dude’]

The fact that you’re shaving your chest and thighs

And your arms, and are thinning your pubic hair, Labienus –

All this shows everyone you’re getting ready for your girlfriend.

But for whom are you shaving your butt?

—Martial,[i]

epigram II, 62

[D.R. Shackleton]

Young Hyllus, deny today what you so freely gave me yesterday?

Why be so harsh? You who were so bendably compliant.

Now you conjure excuses –

about your peach fuzz,

about your advancing years

about your nascent body hair.

Can one night be long enough to turn you into a codger?

Why make fun of me? You who were but boy yesterday.

Tell me how you became a rigid bloke over night?

—Martial, [ii]

epigram IV, 7

[after D.R. Shackleton]

You don’t whine about anyone, Apicius, or bad-mouth them,

But gossips say you have a wicked little tongue indeed.

—Martial, [iii]

epigram III, 80

[after D.R. Shackleton]

Have you ever seen anyone as miserable as that old queen Sabellus?

Why, dear Matho – no one was quite as contented as he!

But thefts, exiles, absent slaves, fires and funerals have left

Him so desperate, the poor fool’s reduced to fucking women!

—Martial, [iv]

epigram VI, 33

[after D.R. Shackleton]

Lycoris has only one eye, Faustinus, and it’s set on a cupbearer,

Like Ganymede. How well those one-eyed can see!

—Martial, [v]

epigram III, 39

[D.R. Shackleton]

You adore being impaled, Papylus, but cry afterwards.

Why, since you love the fucking, carry on later on –

Could it be you’re embarrassed by impromptu sex?

Or do you shed tears, Papylus, ‘cause the impaling’s cum to an end!

—Martial, [vi]

epigram IV, 48

[after D.R. Shackleton]

You see that guy with the long, uncut hair, Decianus?

The one you’re afraid of because of his glowering scowl?

The one who gabs about the Curii and other great heroes of the past?

Well, don’t be afraid of that butch front. Yesterday he became a bride.

—Martial, [vii]

epigram I, 24

[D.R. Shackleton]

You’re always sleeping with well-hung boys, my Phoebus,

But what stands up for you doesn’t stand up for them.

So, Phoebus, I ask – what am I to make of it?

I wanted to believe you were too tender to ravish,

But gossips tell you you’re well-heeled in taking it!

—Martial, [viii]

epigram III, 73

[after D.R. Shackleton]

The slavemonger wanted me to pay a hundreds thousand for the boy;

I laughed, but Apollo forced me to pay the price.

As a result, my pecker is all worn out and blames me to Himself,

While Apollo is praised at my expense.

I hear that Apollo’s cock once earned him a good two million;

Give me that, and I’ll rise again to the heights!

—Martial, [ix]

epigram I, 58

[D.R. Shackleton]