The English Year - 45. The Big Why

“What did you do?” The voice came from behind me, slapping me across the back of the head like a glock: cocked, coiled, and ready to detonate.

I turned to see Amanda standing there, a foot away from me. Her arms were crossed over her chest, one leg out in a power stance as formidable as any, her face contorted into a scowl unlike anything I’d ever seen in my entire life.

She was pissed, that much could not be denied. Pissed beyond anything I’d ever see from her. And while I was sure I knew exactly why, I turned, squared to face her, and prepared myself to plead my case.

Even if I barely had any.

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“Do not do that today, with me, Corbin,” she spat. I could see her breath in the cold February air. I took a step back, and crossed my arms to match her stance.

“Do what, exactly?” I asked defiantly. I was defensive. I wasn’t going to let Amanda, of all people, who had already shown her loyalty, get the best of me. Even if I knew I was in the wrong, I wasn’t going to sit back and take her tongue lashing. Not when I had my reasons, and not when I knew what I was sacrificing in order to get the things I wanted. I’d already beaten myself up over his, I didn’t need her to beat me up as well.

“Play stupid with me,” she replied. “Do not play stupid with me. Not right now. Not to-fucking-day.”

Playing stupid was futile. I knew what I’d done. In the past 24 hours, I had made a decision that could have rippling consequences for the rest of my life. I had made the decision, and I had made the call. And now I had to live with it.

It was right after Chip left my room on Friday afternoon that I called Pete on the phone. I didn’t know what I was going to say when he picked up, so we sat on the phone in silence for a few minutes before I worked up the nerve.

“Corbin? Can you hear me?”

“Yeah, I can hear you,” I replied. I could hear him loud and clear. Too loud. Too clear. I sat next to Mister, petting him gently while I worked up the courage. Mister squirmed agitatedly under my petting as I responded to Pete.

“What’s up, killer?”

“I um…” I began. “I um… I need to cancel our date tonight,” I said softly. Too softly.

“Pardon?”

“Our date… I need to cancel.” My voice was still soft but decidedly louder, firmer.

“Oh, okay,” Pete replied casually. I didn’t detect any disappointment, which relieved me. As if I was canceling a hike, or a walk, or meeting in the dining hall for coffee. And not canceling our first date. The big date that he had planned. The big date that he’d spent so much time describing to me before we decided to take the plunge and fuck. Make love. The date he was so thrilled to take me on, and I was equally as thrilled to go on. I was canceling that date. And it sent a dagger through my heart.

I could hear a hint of disappointment in Pete’s voice, naturally.

“I can always change the reservation,” he continued. “Should we wait for Saturday?”

I didn’t respond. The ensuing pause was more intense than anything I’d ever felt with Pete, and it was just the beginning.

“Sunday? Brunch maybe?” he continued. He was waiting for me to answer. To say something. Anything. But nothing came out of my mouth. I couldn’t come up with any words, so I just sat back, pet Mister, and sighed, knowing that I was in the process of altering my relationship with Pete forever.

“Do you want to reschedule?” I felt the edge in his voice from across the phone.

“Pete, I…”

“Corbin, do you want to reschedule?” We both knew the answer, and my silence said more than I ever could.

“No.” His voice was definitive. Final. “Corbin, no.”

“Pete, I’m so sorry.”

“What’s changed? What’s changed since this morning? Literally this very morning? What has changed, Corbin?” I could hear a razor thinness through his accent that I’d never heard before.

I didn’t respond. A single tear escaped my right eye, and I swatted it away as quickly as I could. It had already seared a trail down my check, and sizzled against my finger. It was too late. It burned like a bitch, and yet I didn’t feel like I deserved to cry.

“Tell me, killer. At least tell me that. What the fuck has changed?”

“Nothing, Pete,” I replied finally, sitting up. I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my lap, breathing heavily. Mister readjusted next to me. Avoiding me. Repelling me. He was still in pet reach, but he had no desire to be on my lap as usual. “Nothing has changed. I wish I could say ``let's reschedule’.”

“But why can’t you? Tell me why!”

His voice was raised, angry, disappointed, and miserable. I was miserable at this pain I was causing, but it was nothing compared to the misery I heard in Pete’s voice.

“Why?” he sighed softly. Defeated.

That was the crux of it, wasn’t it? Why?

The Big Why?

To be absolutely honest, I didn’t know. I didn’t know all of the why, just that there was a why there. And that I didn’t have time to figure out with Pete what the Why was.

When Chip had laid out everything, my mind began to race. There were things I knew, and things I could only assume. Conject. And yet from everything I already knew, I knew I couldn’t have a boyfriend if I was going to pursue this Executive Council appointment.

I knew that a big scandal was about to rip through the halls of our university. I knew that that scandal involved the highest echelon of students on campus. I knew that I would be a mouthpiece for those students. Their cover. Their mouthpiece. I knew that I would be replacing one of those highest echelon students. And I knew I would do anything in my power to be, and stay being, involved.

I could deduce that whatever scandal was about to rip through ODU wouldn’t make anyone involved look good. The fact that Chip said it involved the EC and his fraternity made me certain the scandal involved a lot more people. That fact that a Chi Beta was being asked to step in instead of someone in the big four meant this scandal spanned at least all four of those top fraternities if not more.

My mind revolved around a few options.

I didn’t think it could be drugs. Again, that kind of transgression could go away with enough money to the right departments. One wouldn’t resign from leadership over it. The only scenario in which I could see that happening was if actual physical arrests were made, and Alexandria had a connection to the local police station. If students had been arrested for anything drug related, EC or not, she would have been the first person on campus to know, and she would have told me right away.

After ruling those things out, I started to think about what kind of scandal could involve multiple high profile frats, folks at the very top of the social food chain, forced resignations, but didn’t have the impact of warranting those students to leave campus mid-semester. Clearly something that they thought they could keep at bay, but had spiraled out of their control. Something that involved the Student Faculty Hearing Committee and the consultation of the other deans to look elsewhere in replacing members. A scandal that they couldn’t stop the wheels from turning, but that the students involved were determined to fight. A scandal that needed my connections and involvement.

A scandal that given something I had already been through during my sophomore year at ODU turned my stomach, but considering where my involvement could put me in my senior year, made me forget all about that.

A scandal that would follow those guys I was getting in bed with for the rest of their lives if not handled correctly.

If not handled by someone like me.

My mind went to one place, and it was a place I had agreed to be a part of, regardless of how much it sickened me to come to that conclusion. A place that sent flashbacks down my spine from my own sophomore year.

I concluded the scandal had to involve sexual misconduct. To what degree, I had no idea yet, and wouldn’t know until I followed up with Chip and his brothers.

But knowing how things like this went down, especially this soon after Tear Night, I could only imagine what could have happened.

Sexual misconduct. Multiple guys across multiple frats. Needing someone like me to help land the plane.

The guys involved, no matter how hard they fought this, would be tarnished for life. And if my involvement got out, so would I. I had made a choice to risk that. I had made a choice to move forward. I had made a choice, to that point, ignore the sacrifice.

But even more importantly, I decided. Even more crucial was that I knew this would be something gruesome and I’d agreed to recolor it. I wasn’t as worried about being attached to it, but rather how I’d feel about myself being attached to it. How I’d look myself in the eye. How I’d look Pete in the eye. How I’d sleep with him every night knowing I was the rug sweeper on a scandal I was sure involved the worst of the worst behavior.

That was the Big Why. I could do this. I could lube the truth for these frat stars. I could weather that storm.

Alone.

I couldn’t do it with Pete by my side. And I couldn’t risk him getting involved in it. And so when I broke off our date earlier, and left things stagnant at best, I knew that I was doing what was best for him, even if it was a punch in the gut at the time. A stab in the heart. And one of the hardest things I had ever done.

And even though I had decided on The Big Why for myself, explaining it to Pete, and to Amanda in front of me, was more difficult than I was willing to take on. I knew they deserved an explanation, but it was complicated. Too complicated. And I didn’t feel like I had it in me to do so.

“Amanda, he’ll understand eventually,” I snapped back into reality, clutching my book and notebook tightly around my chest. I used them almost as armor against her onslaught.

“I don’t think he will. I’m telling you what you are doing is permanent. I don’t think he will.”

She was a mama bear protecting her cub, and every word hit me like a punch across the face.

“Well, he’s going to have to. I told him it’s not permanent,” I replied.

“Then why not tell him why!? If you want to walk this back eventually, why not be upfront? Why not let him choose if he wants to participate?”

“Because I don’t have that luxury!” I raised my voice to match hers.

“I don’t have the luxury of telling him anything. This situation… this…”

“This what?” Amanda took a step toward me, and I retreated. “What are you getting involved in?”

I took a deep breath. I couldn’t tell her either. I wanted to. I wanted a friend in my corner, and I knew that in not being truthful with her or Pete, I wasn’t only alienating two friends, I was creating at least one enemy. Amanda wouldn’t forgive me for fucking with Pete that way, and even if I could get through this and get back on Pete’s good side, I was faced with the fact that might not ever happen, and even if it did, it might come at the expense of my relationship with one of my best friends.

I had a lump in my throat as I turned away from Amanda and walked back towards the sorority houses where I was supposed to ‘pregame’ for the night with Alexandria. It would be working drinks, but I needed to get going. Her and I needed to strategize, and I couldn’t stand there forever being berated by Amanda.

I left things with one final breath, and this declaration.

“I’m sorry I ever slept with Pete,” I said. “And you can tell him that. I had every intention of seeing this through with him, but things changed, and I can’t now. And if and when this is all said and done, he sees fit to forgive me, I will do everything in my power to try and make it up to him. But he has to understand, I didn’t intend for things to go down this way. And that’s all I can say for now.”

I turned and left before she could respond, and walked briskly to Alexandria’s. My head and heart were both heavy, as were my feet as I trudged up to her place.

We posted up in her room, with my laptop out and ready to record notes.

“So what exactly made you ask to meet last minute like this? You know there’s a huge party at the Poles tonight,” she said.

“There’s something we need to figure out,” I began, before filling her in on what I already knew, and what we needed to confirm with Chip. The only part I left out was that I was doing all of this in exchange for being tapped onto the Executive Council. I didn’t want her implicated in that if it ever got crossed. I didn’t want her responsible if the paper ended up looking bad, and she could always deny knowing about any tit for tat.

“And Chip won’t give you details until you confirm?”

“None. But I’m pretty sure we’re on the right track about it being sexual misconduct.”

“No, I agree. I think you’re definitely right. I just don’t feel right agreeing to leak this story to make the frats look good until we know what kind of sexual misconduct we’re talking about. Do you think they…”

“Alex, I have no idea. I can’t even fathom what would be so bad that it got the Student Faculty Hearing Committee involved, but they were unable to sanction it. We’re talking about multiple houses here.”

Alex took a deep breath.

“Give me a second. While I’m on the phone, will you see if you can get Chip and his pledge brother to meet us at The Poles. Tonight?”

I sent Chip a message, and then turned to listen to Alexandria’s conversation on the phone.

“Hey Pen, I need a huge favor,” she said after a second of silence. I assumed she was talking to her sister Penelope, who I knew as her liaison at the Health Center.

“Okay, I have a question for you. I know you can’t give me any names, but if I give you a scenario, can you confirm if it actually happened? It would have been after tear night. Okay here’s what I’m hearing. Someone came in and was likely gang raped. I don’t know how many guys, but at least four. The ones I know about are from two different fraternities, but I can’t tell you which ones.”

It was refreshing to hear Alexandria bluff. She was such a natural at stuff like this, and it was why she was arguably the most powerful journalism player on our campus.

“Tell me what you can, and I’ll piece together the rest. Wait… who dropped her off? A Kappa Sig? Oh shit, okay.”

Alex pointed at me, and I quickly typed that into my laptop notes.

“Okay, so the Kappa Sig claimed he found her, and then dropped her off. She said how many guys? You’re shitting me.”

She held up six fingers. My heart hit my stomach like a ton of bricks. Part of me was sensationalized by the story, and the rest of my was already sickened.

“Okay, so she’s sure about the six guys. She filed a report that night. Did she mention any other Greek affiliation when she came to? Betas… Kappa Sigs… Kappa Alpha… oh shit? You’re kidding me.”

Alex mouthed the words Football Team to me while continuing to listen to Penelope on the other line. Was that what all of those guys had in common? It was tough to believe guys from all of those frats would be fraternizing around one person if there wasn’t another link to it.

So that was the rub, and that’s why the school was going to go out of its way to protect the boys. It was varsity sports and all the things surrounding it.

Here was the thing. We were ‘hired’ to make this look better for the Kappa Sigs and by extension the Executive Council. I wasn’t sure we were prepared to go up against The Football team in order to protect Chip and his buddies. That would be a different task altogether.

Even though we weren’t the dominant sports school in the ODAC conference, we were still run by sports money. Alumni endowments, ticket sales, being on local and national TV for big rivalry games. Sports dominated ODU just like it did in basically every school across the south. There was a real danger in mentioning them in anything like this, and I wondered if the guys involved had received any sanctions from their coaches.

And then it hit me. Of course not. The season was over, and it seemed like most of these guys were probably seniors. What could the football team do? Sure they’d weather the storm and bad press, but by the time the next season started in the fall, the guys involved would be long gone. That’s why it was only the EC that mattered. And it was why the frats needed cover. If we’d been in season, we could have made this a ‘sports culture’ problem. We weren’t, and instead it would naturally become a toxic ‘Greek life problem’. That’s what these guys needed cover against. That’s what we needed to figure out how to frame.

As I filled in my notes while listening to Alex, I thought maybe that’s how we could shape this for Chip and his brothers.

“Okay, yeah, no. That’s plenty of info, thank you. Just one more thing. Has the girl undergone any additional therapy over this? Okay, yeah. Gotcha… is there anything else you’re allowed to say? Okay, thanks so much, Pen.”

I looked at Alexandria as she hung up. Her eyes wide and intense, she took a deep breath.

“What else?” I asked.

“So in ongoing therapy about it, Pen is pretty sure that the school is trying to cover it all up, and convince her to let it all go. Doctors are all basically in lockstep with the administration. She’s determined to go public as soon as this week. She’s forcing an honor trial. Pen said even the doctors that she trusts are working with her to make the ‘right’ decision because if she does go through with the trial, all of her personal business will be put on blast. And the guys aren’t leaving school because they’re banking on her caving.”

My mind raced.

“And we have no idea who she is? Or how to get in contact with her?”

“Not a single clue,” Alex replied. “Did Chip say anything about meeting up tonight?”

I looked at my phone.

From Chip: Can you come to County Seat?

To Chip: Send us a pledge.

From Chip: On their way.

I sat back and took a deep breath.

“Jesus Alex,” I said. “Six guys?”

“At least… that’s all she remembers. And she named the ones she could. We’re talking campus leaders here Corbin. Celebrities.”

“I know.”

“If we publish this, even anonymously, we’re going to look like the worst publication known to man,” she said. “I don’t think we can agree to this.”

I didn’t tell her that we had to, but hearing her say it reinforced my decision to keep Pete far far away from this. But I did have an idea.

“What if we find the girl? And agree to tell her story, but we make the common link football and not Greek life?”

“How do you diminish the Tear Night part of this? Pen said if this gets out, several houses are going down. Maybe the end of Tear Night altogether. Six guys is bad, Corbin. And that’s all she remembers. It could be more, God forbid.”

“I know, but this kind of stuff happens every year. Fuck, we publish the Plan B count after Tear Night every year. But this is bigger. We make it about organized sports. The cover up. The individuals.” I was typing as I spoke. “The frats and the EC did their best and expelled the members as soon as they learned. Football didn’t.”

Alex gave me a raised eyebrow.

“I get that Chip wants you to sugar coat this for them in particular, but that’s walking a fine line.”

“I know. And I know I can do it.”

Alex took a deep breath and raised an eyebrow.

“If you think you can.”

We sat in silence, waiting for a pledge. 20 minutes and two glasses of Franzia later, Alex and I rode in silence to County Seat.

It was the closest Kappa Sigma house to the Poles, and where they pre-gamed most of their parties. I had been a ton of times, and generally had a good time there. It sat at the edge of the county, where ‘the country’ officially began and Clifton Hill as a city officially ended. Anything this far out, including The Pole Houses and most of the other off-campus neighborhoods were governed by the incorporated county. County Seat was the first bastion.

We walked up, and while the house had already mostly cleared out for the Pole House party, there were a few people lingering on the patio outside, a huge deck that spanned the entire back of the house. It was built like an old veranda, only from years of kegs and piles of students, was dipping in the middle.

I looked at my watch. It was almost 10. I should have been so far into my date with Pete at that point. We probably would have already been back at his place from dinner, consummating our first real date. I sighed, thinking about what I was giving up. But when Chip met us downstairs and led us up into one of the bedrooms, I pushed those thoughts aside.

This was the Big Why. Why I was risking it all. And I had to stay focused if ‘why’ was going to be worth it.

There was a small council seated in the room. I had no idea whose room it belonged to, but Chip and I took a seat on the twin bed that was pushed up against the wall. Alex, the only girl in attendance, was offered the desk chair. Chip’s older pledge brother Ryan Caffey, who I knew as a local celebrity and president of the EC, stood in one corner, almost like a shadow. Not to be heard from, but overseeing everything that was about to be said. Seated on another chair was one of Chip’s brothers who I didn’t know the name of, but recognized as someone who always walked around Kappa Sig houses giving people pulls from a Malibu bottle. It was his thing, I remembered.

“So what do you think, Corbin? Is The Founder taking this on?”

I looked at Alexandria.

“What are we taking on exactly?” I asked. “That’s our big question.”

“You’ve had over 24 hours, and you haven’t figured it out yet?” Chip replied. “Did I misjudge you guys?”

Alex crossed her legs and leaned forward.

“You didn’t misjudge anything or anyone. But you have to be aware we can’t blindly agree to do something that might be damaging to the paper or its reputation. You of all people must realize that, Chip.” I added knowingly.

Chip looked at Ryan.

“That’s your department.”

“Tell us exactly what happened.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Ryan stepped in, his face hitting the dim light. He was handsome, and chiseled, and seemed older than a 22 year old college senior. He looked like he was already in the running for senator. He could have fit right in with the Gossip Girl crowd. “No details until we have your word. And a plan.”

“I-” Alex began to protest.

“There has to be a meet-middle,” I cut off Alex before she had a chance to object. “We'll tell you what we know. And you tell us the rest.” I looked around at everyone in the room. “We have a plan, you know that. Or else you wouldn’t have taken this meeting.”

There was a big pause as everyone sat silently.

Chip shrugged his shoulder. Ryan nodded. The third guy I still didn’t know sat silently. Chip moved his hand to squeeze my thigh.

“Something happened on Tear Night involving a girl and at least six guys. She was drugged, eventually passed out, and raped,” I began.

“That’s a strong word,” the guy sitting across from me interjected, and I shot him the sharpest daggers I could. He was clearly involved, I thought. What an absolute prick.

“She was raped by at least six guys,” I replied. My voice was cold as ice. I didn't have time for his white washing of the situation. “The exact number is up for debate. I know the EC expelled the members involved. I also know this spans multiple houses, and that the guys are banking on the girl not going forward, even though she’s threatened to. The only other thing we know in common is that there is a sports team involvement here, and that’s our plan. Blame it on football shenanigans, and let them take the ultimate fall. You’ll need to expel your members who are involved, clearly, but we have an angle to work here.”

“We can’t do that,” Malibu guy said. I shot him another look.

“Why is that?”

There was another silence.

“We just can’t…”

“Well then we can’t help you. Let me make something clear to you. When the real serious papers get a hold of this story, and I suspect this will make some serious news, every single member of Greek life is going to be under indictment, whether we like it or not. None of us will enjoy a moment’s peace when this girl is off telling her story. And the houses involved will get the brunt the worst. All of the perks you enjoy of being in the Big 4 will evaporate. You will lose funding. You will lose pledges. You will lose Dean Coleman’s support. Girls will refuse to associate with the houses that harbored the rapists. I don’t know which other houses are involved, but I will find out. The thing is, we can’t pin it on them without pinning it on you, and we can’t keep your names clear unless you distance yourselves from everyone that was involved that wears your letters. I’m not touching this with a ten foot pole if those members are still active. And considering you need this article out by Monday, I’d suggest that you backdate any paperwork you can scrounge together to show you took action the second you found out.”

I took my first breath in a minute.

“The EC is covered, but your house needs cover too. And I need to know the other houses involved and their expectation of this write up. We are here to clear your name, but I have to be prepared for backlash from the other houses.”

“They’d like to be exonerated as well,” Ryan said firmly. “If possible.”

“And if it’s not?”

“Well then what you get out of this isn’t exactly an equal trade. For them.”

Alex looked at me, wondering what Ryan meant. I swallowed and hit them with a repeat question.

“Who are the other houses?”

Again Chip looked at Ryan, who nodded.

“Kappa Sigs, Beta, KA,” he replied, confirming what Penelope had told Alex earlier.

“Anyone else?” Alex asked.

“No.”

“Next,” I chimed in. “I’ll need to know who found her, and took her to the health center.”

“I can’t tell you that,” Chip answered quickly. Too quickly.

“Because you don’t know?”

“Because I can’t say,” he answered.

“Can’t or won’t? I need to know what they saw, how it all went down, and how it ended.”

He looked at me with a shrug of his shoulder. And then I noticed something. Something in his eyes I couldn’t pinpoint, until I did. He read me come to the realization, and again squeezed my thigh. I shot up, my back straightened. I ignored everyone in the room as I hovered over Chip. Penelope had said it was a Kappa Sigma who found her. And here one was squeezing my thigh in a panic as I put two and two together.

“It was you?” I accused. “You were there? One of the six?”

“No,” he said quickly, standing up and facing me. Ryan, arguably one of the most powerful men on campus, took a step towards us. I swatted him away. I didn’t give a shit who he was, who his daddy was, or how much money he’d poured into making his way onto the highest seat on campus. I was facing someone who I’d touched, been intimate with, who had been involved in what would likely become the biggest scandal on campus. The guy who was asking me to lube the truth had lubed me up at one point, and I was shaking with anger and disgust.

“Corbin, it’s not what you think.”

“Did you watch? For how long?”

“Corbin…” Ryan tried to interject.

“I am asking the questions,” I spat at him, before I turned back to Chip.

“I told you guys this was a terrible idea,” Malibu cut in.

“You’ll shut up and stay quiet,” I shot at him. I was on a tear, and in that room, at that moment, I was in control. I didn’t give a flying fuck who those guys were, or what pedigree they came with. HIs shoulders dropped in retreat. “Tell me what you know.”

“We can do this later.”

“We can do this now,” I said. “I… I…”

I didn’t want to out him then and there, but the fact that I’d slept in the same bed as him, knowing what was coming to light at that moment, made me physically ill. I stopped short, and instead said that I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to lose my edge, and the story, but I needed to get away for a second.

I ran out of the room, and down the hall to the bathroom. It was a big dorm style bathroom with several stalls and a few showers. I ran into a stall, and upchucked right into the toilet.

“Oh shit, someone had one too many,” I heard a voice from the next stall. I threw up for a solid minute before I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Corbin, it isn’t what you think,” I heard Chip say. “Let’s go back in and I’ll explain.”

I spat into the toilet, and turned to him.

“It better be one hell of an explanation, Chip.” My voice was hoarse. I rinsed my mouth out in the sink, and then followed Chip back. He closed the door, this time I noticed he locked it behind us.

Instead of sitting down next to him, I folded my arms and stood across the room from him, close to Alex.

“Did you watch?” I asked. I thought for a second that by getting emotional, I’d given mine and Chip’s relationship away, but I needed to know. I had given up so much for this. I needed to know.

“I got there late,” he said. “I didn’t know what was going on, but when I got to the house, she was already passed out, and I didn’t know what to do.”

I looked at him with dead eyes.

“There were still five or six guys there, and I asked what was going on, and when I realized, I told them to quit it.”

Chip took a long pause. I imagined him telling them to stop like you tell little kids to get off the jungle gym. It felt weak to me.

“You have to understand, there were a lot of guys there. All on the team, and when things like that get going, it’s impossible to invoke reason.”

“Things… like… that?”

“Corbin,” Alex hushed my incredulity. I scoffed.

“I just… I panicked. And so I left and then I knew I had to do something, so I came back with some pledges, and found her there with a couple of guys still lying around. I pulled her into a pledge’s car, and drove her to the health center myself. I wasn’t even in a position to drive.”

I shook my head. I knew if I spoke, I’d vomit again. Seeing this whole scene through Chip’s eyes, wondering exactly how long he stayed in the room, how long he stayed away, how long he waited to come back. I had so many questions, and I knew I didn’t want the answers. I was already looking at Chip in a new light, regretting every private moment we’d spent together. But more than that, I was piecing together why I was being asked to get involved. We had a brief, but intimate, history. And if anyone was invested in not making him look like a complete jackass about all of this, it would be someone with my connections, but also my incentive to not implicate my involvement with him. He might not have been quite as evil as the eight guys who’d been there. But knowing what happened and waiting to stop it, or even worse, made him a close second to those guys.

And in realizing that, I also realized I was in too deep. I’d aligned myself with Chip. I’d sacrificed my relationship. I was right in that this was going to get ugly. Very ugly. And yet I was involved, regardless of how disgusted I was.

“Chip, when we’re ready to publish, we’ll need some extended quotes from you,” Alex took over. “Anonymous of course.”

Chip nodded.

“Now here is the big one and there’s no negotiating this, or else you all can take your chances with the press at large,” Alex continued. “We need to know who the girl is, and we need to know now. We need to speak to her, and give her a chance to respond before we publish.”

Alex and I had already decided on this, and we weren’t going to take no for an answer.

“That’s not an option,” Chip said quickly.

“Why not?”

“The Student Faculty Hearing Committee put a gag on releasing her name. We already thought about that,” Ryan replied.

“You aren’t releasing her name. Given enough time, we’d find out who she is anyway. Look at all of the information we got already. You don’t have the luxury of time here, but if you don’t tell us who she is, and if we can’t talk to her, we can’t get this story out.”

There was another long pause. The guys exchanged looks, yet again. This time Ryan spoke up first. He had an authority about him that was equal parts sexy and scary.

“This is bad enough,” he said slowly.

“I don’t disagree,” Alex replied flatly. She was such a badass in the face of all of these powerful men. “No girl, no article. Corbin and I walk, I don’t care what deal you’ve already made with him. You aren’t using my paper unless I get a chance to cross check any facts with the victim. Period.”

I could see Chip breathing heavily. I looked at Ryan, and if I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn I saw a tear well up in his face.

“Corbin, let’s go,” Alex stood up.

“Wait,” Ryan let his guard down for a second. His Chase Crawford facade melted, as he stepped closer to us.

“No you wait, Ryan. And you, and you,” Alex’s voice was low and measured, and you knew instantly she wasn’t a woman to be messed with. “You all are trying to get us to cover for your little cronies who couldn’t keep their meat paws off the hands of a helpless girl on tear night, when any girl with a pulse would have fucked them. They’re sick, and so are the three of you who want to make this any easier on them and your houses. We’re not asking for a lot, so go ahead and nod in agreement because we have enough to go to the Charlottesville Star tonight and topple every ounce of Greek life with this story. We could implicate all of you, the guys who were there, especially you mister I had no clue what to do, any faculty who’ve helped you sweep this under the rug, and ultimately this university in general. You want our help to get ahead of this, so let me make one thing clear. From here on out, when we ask for information, you give it to us. When we ask for details, you are forthcoming to the fullest. Any embellishment, you will regret. You leave that part up to us, or else you print your little puff piece on printer paper in the computer lab and hope for the best. Is that clear?”

No one spoke. No one moved. No one took a breath.

“All of a sudden no one knows how to speak?” Alex sat back down, crossing her arms again, and serving as every bit of the Miranda Priestly she emulated. I was terrified of this version of Alex, and I knew her well. I couldn’t imagine what these fratstars were going through.

“Her name is Claire Robinson,” Chip spoke up first.

“Chip,” Malibu tried to interject.

“I swear to god, if you say one more word, I will make sure you go down with the entire ship.” I directed all of my vitriol at the guy carrying a Malibu bottle. “You’re finished talking, and quite frankly at some point someone needs to tell me why you’re even here,” I said. I had found my footing again. Spurred on by Alexandria’s threats to the guys, I decided it was time to regain my own strength.

“So here’s what happens next. You,” I turned to Ryan. “You write down the names of all the guys involved. And then you quickly let any of them in your own house know that they are at the very least on probation. I don’t want them seen entering your house or wearing your letters as of the second the story drops.”

Ryan nodded. I was back in control.

“Alex and I will work on this tonight. Tomorrow evening, Chip, you will reach out to the girl that you so heroically saved, and let her know we need to speak with her. The three of us will approach her with the story, and give her a chance to respond. On Sunday, we will do the same with all of the other guys. The only thing I can agree to now, is anonymity, but that could change depending on what we find out. Is that clear?”

There were nods all around.

“When the story comes out, I will do my best to exonerate you guys, but let me be absolutely clear about this. You will do exactly what we say. You will respond to questions exactly how we say. Fuck, you will dress exactly how we say. There are no questions. If we take this on, it's our entire reputation at stake, and you know all about people and their reputations, don’t you Chip?”

I could tell I had struck a nerve, but I didn’t care. I reached my hand out to Ryan and gave him a look.

“The list, please?”

He took a silent minute to write something down and then hand it to me. Alex stood, and without another word, I followed her out. I knew if I said another thing, I’d vomit, and so I took her silence as my cue.

We sat silently in the back of the pledge’s car as we drove back into town. It was an excruciating drive, as I knew Alexandria and I had a ton to talk about and work out. I wasn’t even sure where we were going to start, but I knew we had a ton to get through.

And even more to plan out.

After what felt like a lifetime, we finally made it back to the sorority houses. They were like a ghost town on a Friday night, as all of the srat girls were out at the poles, or other various parties around town. As soon as the door closed behind us, and the pledge sped off, before we even walked up the white steps and through the columns, Alexandria turned to me.

“What trade did you make with Ryan and Chip?”

I was taken aback, and almost fell back into the cold February air.

“Huh?” I wasn’t sure what she was asking, and instead tried to keep my footing.

“Ryan said there was some sort of a trade that needed to be worth it for the other guys and their houses. For this story. For working with us. What was it?”

“Alex, I was going to tell you,” I began realizing what I had to confess to in that moment. She crossed her arms.

The feeling I gave to so many people, that they had no way out, that lying to me would be worse than the truth, that I had the upper hand in the conversation… that feeling I was so used to dishing out, was staring at me right there in front of the KD house.

Alex was a force. I’d learned a lot from her. And there I was taking a big swig of my own fucking medicine.

I was a stammering bitch. She literally had the higher ground, and I didn’t know exactly what to say or how to say it.

“Spit it out, Corbin, or you can walk right back to Kappa Sig and tell them why the paper will not be participating in this little charade of theirs.”

“Alex, I…” I swallowed. She cocked her eyebrow. “When the dust settles on all of this, I’m going to take over one of the seats on the Executive Council.”

I watched Alex’s head swivel, and settle back onto her neck. Her eyes lit with fire. Her lips pursed. Her stare felt like a machine gun ripping into my soul.

The silence was as deafening as anything I’d ever heard in my life. In that instant, I wondered why I had agreed to go along with Chip. Why I had decided to fly this close to the sun. I wondered if I actually thought I could get away with any of it. And then Alex responded, slapping me across the face with her words.

“You’re fired.”

It took me a second to realize what she had just said. At first I thought she was joking. And then I thought I had misheard. And then like a punch in the gut, I realized exactly what I had just heard. I digested precisely what I had just done. I shook my head, trying to shake off what she’d said. But there was no way to do so. She had said what she said, and as I processed it, a tear fell down my cheek, burning my face, crystallizing in the cold air as it fell from my chin. I could almost hear it crack on the step that separated the two of us. I folded my hands to match hers, and then gasped for breath for the first time in a full minute.

“You can’t.”

“I can. And I will. You are fired.”

“Alex…” my eyes pleaded. My voice was weak. I hadn’t felt this helpless in over two years, since I was a nothing freshman walking onto campus. The paper had changed that. The Founder had made me. And she was taking that away. I couldn’t fathom it.

“From this point forward, you no longer work for the paper. You know longer associate with The Founder. You have nothing to do with this publication. You’ve written your last byline, Corbin.”

“Al-”

“I don’t want to see you step foot in our offices. I don’t want to hear about you even so much as alluding to working for the paper to anyone ever again. You are dismissed. That’s final.”

The word cut like an actual knife.

“How…” I was at a loss for words. “You literally cannot do this. They hired me to do this. They’re expecting me. They’re counting on me. What am I supposed to tell them?”

Alex shifted her weight and her gaze boar into me.

“Let me explain something to you, because it seems like you, Chip, and Ryan are all too stupid to understand this. You told Ryan he needed to expel his brothers and distance the frat from them. When you get tapped for the EC, I have to do the same with your association with the paper. It’s bad enough we agreed to do this puff piece for them, and god knows we’ll get heat from it, but at least we’ll sell a ton of papers and get new alumni subscriptions. But if anyone were to put together that the paper you work for released an anonymous op-ed about this situation, and then you suddenly filled a seat on the EC, our entire reputation would be shot to hell. My entire legacy would burn up in flames. I love you Corbin Crowley, but I love my position even more.”

I swallowed.

“I’m supposed to get the back page next year.”

“Forget it. And do it quickly, because we still need to get this article written. But your name will be nowhere near it.”

“How is that fair?”

“Fair?” her eyes inflamed again. “None of this is fair. You agreeing to get us involved in this isn’t fair. Corbin you did this. Not me. You are done here. Officially, at least. And immediately.”

I looked at her, unable to control the tears running down my face. I faced the realization that in getting into bed with Chip, I had drastically altered my future. My position on campus. I had completely and utterly redirected my entire life. Everything I knew had been pulled out from under me.

Because I got greedy. Because I decided to pull my best Icarus and play too close and too fast with the big boys. Because I had the audacity to dream of power that boys like me rarely got.

“Listen to me, kiddo,” Alex’s voice softened. “I know what you’re thinking, and believe me, this is the best for you and us both. You’ve wanted this kind of position on the EC, and nothing can replace that. Not even The Signature.”

I swallowed again, my throat searing, trying not to bawl like a baby.

“You are about to cross over into a different echelon, and once you do, you won’t need the paper. Everything you’ve worked for will be complete, and you know that. And that’s why you agreed to do this, despite your best and better judgment.”

I didn’t know how to respond.

“Sometimes a sacrifice is the first step.”

That final phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was. Maybe she was right. When I had talked to Chip a day ago, I hadn’t thought I’d be standing there sacrificing everything that I had.

And Alex didn’t even know the half of it.

As I walked away from the house, after telling her I needed to pull myself together before we began, I thought about everything that I had actually sacrificed for the promise that Ryan and Chip had given me.

The paper was one thing. The paper had built me. It had made me a player on campus. Someone people knew, respected, and to a certain extent feared. It had made me Corbin Crowley, who could walk into rooms my brothers couldn’t. It had gotten me access.

And I had sacrificed it.

I had sacrificed my moral compass, I decided. My dignity. My ability to see right from wrong. I was getting ready to turn a campus scandal into a puff piece for more powerful men. I had traded that in for any ounce of morality I had faced up until that point. I couldn’t even justify my actions for the house, or the greater good. They were selfish. They were for me. They were because I wanted power myself, and I was prepared to take on these heinous actions in order to do so. I was Dorian Gray, and the portrait in the attic had just gotten uglier.

Finally, I had sacrificed what was, up until twenty-four hours prior, the most important thing in my heart. I had sacrificed my relationship with Pete. I knew I had dealt it an irreparable blow going into this situation, but after hearing the details, and now knowing exactly what needed to be done, I knew there was no going back. It was done. We were done. This English year with this English man that I had hoped for, yearned for, and worked for since last September had come to a hard stop. A complete end. A denoumount.

And nothing confirmed that like the very thing that happened next. Feeling the lowest I’d ever felt, feeling as if I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, and in a final act of desperation, I pulled out my phone and called Pete. I was hoping, in all honesty, that I could walk everything back. I was hoping I could take it all back and return to where we were a day ago. And even though I knew the possibility of that was slim, I knew I had to try it anyway.

I pulled out my phone, and called him. I waited as it rang. Once. Twice, And then suddenly a click.

He answered.

My heart skipped a beat.

“You answered,” I whispered softly, seeing my breath in front of me. “Thank you for answering.”

“I didn’t answer to talk,” he replied. I could hear music in the background, and he sounded like he was at a party. I didn’t know why, but Amanda’s words from earlier had echoed in my mind, and I anticipated that he was still on her couch, distressed. But he wasn’t.

“I didn’t answer to talk to you,” he repeated. “I answered to tell you to fuck right off. Forever. Never call me again. Don’t try to get in touch with me through my roommate, or Amanda, or anyone you think will give me a message from you. Fuck off, forever.”

I felt my knees buckle as I crouched down on the cold ground, tears free flowing down my face. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t blink. I was paralyzed.

“Fuck off, forever, Corbin.” I gasped for a life saving breath. It felt like chards of glass filled my lungs.

“And Corbin?” Pete continued the assault.

“Yeah?” I gasped, opening my mouth and letting a rush of oxygen fill my lungs. I was paralyzed, but I was still crouching there, listening to the voice that had once given me nothing but joy tear my entire heart, body, life in two. “What?”

“I really truly hope that you find peace one day. Whatever it is you’re looking for, find peace, killer.”

And just like that, I was pushed over as if I weighed a feather. In the middle of Gentleman’s Green, in the middle of winter, I felt my entire body give way as I lay on the cold ground under the weight of everything I had just experienced.

Find peace.

The words echoed in my ear and rang through my mind. They vibrated through my entire lifeless body.

Find peace.

If only I knew how, I thought as I heard the click of Pete’s phone.

Find peace.

I had given that idea up, forever, it seemed like. At that moment. I was on the ground, literally the lowest I could go, thinking about what he had just said. And why.

And as of that moment, the big why was still the big question on my mind.

And for the first time in my life, I didn't have the answer.