The Discovery - 26. Chapter 26

When Jacob arrived home from work with the boys in tow, he was mildly surprised to see Colt standing at the counter, preparing dinner. Earlier that morning, Kyle and David had informed him of their plans for the trial and told him they would be home by the time he was home. He forced himself to not frown or show any annoyance to the obvious breach of the agreement between himself and Kyle. Matt and Aaron ran through the kitchen and upstairs to their rooms leaving Jacob alone with Colt.

Colt glanced back at Jacob who stood there with a blank face. He rolled his eyes and returned to the task in front of him. “Don’t get your pants in a twist, they’ll be home in a few minutes,” he said to the younger man.

Jacob knew Colt was likely right and tried not to feel disappointed. “What happened?”

Colt shrugged, continuing to prepare dinner. “Davey called and said something about the prosecutor throwing Kyle a curve ball and he had to go back to the office and go over some stuff with his people. Then said he had to visit an old friend of his and he’d be home soon. So, go get cleaned up because I know you worked hard today, and relax. Dinner will be ready in half an hour.”

With no other choice, Jacob left the kitchen and headed to his bedroom. In all fairness, Kyle had warned him that there would be days that things would run later than usual or days where delays or unforeseen events would have him home earlier than usual. Jacob just felt out of the loop in some respect even though he knew he had no right to be. In the proceeding weeks David had seemed to take a keen interest in Josh. Was it jealousy he was feeling? He wasn’t so sure about that. If so, then he had cause to be jealous of Matt and Aaron who always got the attention of David more often than anyone else in the house. Once he finished with his shower and changed clothes, his mood improved, and he just accepted that Kyle would be home when he was home and it wasn’t because he preferred being somewhere other than here.

As he opened the door to return to the kitchen, he saw Kyle just a few steps away which only made him feel foolish. “Hey,” he said with a smile. “Busy day?”

“Yeah,” Kyle replied with a sigh. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“It’s okay,” Jacob said sincerely. “Colt said something about something happened at court?”

Kyle’s demeanor stiffened as he frowned angrily. “That’s one way of putting it. Where’s Dad?”

“No clue,” Jacob said as he stepped back in to allow Kyle to enter the room. “He should be here soon though. So, what happened?”

Kyle rolled his eyes as he moved through the sitting room and into the bedroom. “Asshole lawyer being an asshole.”

Jacob chuckled silently. “Well, what an asshole.”

Kyle went to the closet to put his suit jacket away as he explained. “He decided to surprise us with a new witness. So, she’s coming in and giving a deposition later this week while we put the trial on hold.”

“Sounds complicated.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Kyle turned to go into the bathroom as his mood brightened. “On the plus side, I’m free Wednesday and Thursday now.”

“Nice. Anything you wanna do other than our appointment Thursday?”

“I’m not picky.” Kyle stopped to look back at him and smiled. “Anything you want to do I’m good to go.”

Jacob’s smile brightened. Kyle sounded more like himself than he had in a long time. “Well, I’ll think of something and let you know.”

“Cool. I’m going to clean up and I’ll be out for dinner in a minute.”

“I’ll go look in on the boys.” After Kyle closed the bathroom door, Jacob left and headed towards the front of the house.

When Colt was finished with dinner, they all gathered in the kitchen. Kyle looked around in concern when he noticed David still had not come home. “Where is he,” he asked as he reached for his cell phone. Kyle waited with his phone in his ear for it to ring when the back door opened, and David walked inside with his phone ringing. “Thank God,” Kyle muttered as he put his phone down. “Where were you? I thought you were coming home right after court.”

David stared at him for a moment before he answered. “Sorry. Got caught up in something.” He moved around the table with an almost forced casualness to take his usual seat.

Kyle frowned in concern as he watched his father take his seat at the table. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” David replied. “Had to visit an old friend.”

Jacob turned his attention to David as he heard Kyle ask, “anyone I know?”

David’s eyes met Jacob’s as he answered Kyle’s question. “Alan Bell.”

Kyle wasn’t paying attention to Jacob’s reaction as he started eating. “Don’t think I know him.”

David started cutting up his pork chop as he answered. “Not surprised. He was an old friend from grade school. Used to be a county deputy before he retired. I just had something I had to ask him, is all.”

“Well, as long as everything is alright.” Kyle turned his attention to his meal and everyone else settled in to eat. Matt and Aaron were as talkative as always and that shifted everyone’s attention to them for the rest of dinner. Jacob was unusually quiet. Occasionally, he would look at David who met his gaze with an expression that told him David knew his deepest secret. Guilt mixed with fear in his chest causing the food he was eating to become tasteless in his mouth.

Once Matt and Aaron finished eating, David told them to go upstairs. Without question, the boys obeyed, leaving the adults in the room alone. Colt knew something was up the moment David walked in the door but opted to be quiet while the kids were present. Now that they were alone, he felt free to speak up. “You gonna tell us what was so important about this Bell guy?”

David didn’t answer right away as his eyes had a thoughtful but slightly stern look in them. He lifted his head to meet Jacob’s eyes as he said to all of them in a quiet voice, “Colt, could you and Kyle do the dishes while I have a talk with Jacob?”

Colt frowned and sighed. “I guess.” He rose from his seat and started gathering up the discarded plates on the table.

Kyle slowly rose, looking worried. “What’s going on?”

David offered his son a small smile. “It’ll be alright, son. I just need to take a walk with Jacob for a bit.” He rose from his seat and looked at Jacob expectantly.

Jacob rose with a hint of reluctance and tried not to think about what David wanted from him. “Shouldn’t take long,” Jacob mumbled to Kyle.

David moved towards the door, putting a hand on Jacob’s shoulder as he led him out of the house. Jacob followed as David moved down the ramp and towards the orchard. Maintaining the affectionate hold on Jacob, he kept silent until they crossed the fence and into the trees. “You were kind of quiet back there,” David said. “How have things been going between you and Kyle?”

Jacob slowed his pace to match David’s as he replied. “I’d say pretty good for the most part. We’re not fighting or anything.”

“Good,” the older man replied with a satisfied nod. “Did you talk to him like I said you should?”

“Some of it.” Jacob felt a chill run up his spine as he started to connect things together in his mind. “Why do you ask?”

David sighed. Jacob wasn’t going to make this easy for either of them. “Because I feel that you’re holding back. I think there are a lot of things you haven’t wanted to face for one reason or another.” Jacob said nothing in reply. Only looking down at the ground as their steps led them farther into the orchard. David smirked. “I have to hand it to you, son. Not many people can pull the wool over my eyes like you did.”

Jacob looked up at him, feeling hurt by his words. “I never lied to you.”

David nodded. “No. You didn’t. You just conveniently ignored telling me. I don’t blame you for not telling me back then. You were a totally different person than the man I’m proud of today.”

“Is that why you went to see Bell?”

David nodded. “And he told me what happened. I am a little pissed you didn’t tell me though. Why didn’t you?”

Jacob scoffed. “Like it’s not obvious.”

“Did you think I was going to pass judgement on you?”

“No!” Jacob stopped walking and turned to look at him. “See, that’s what you and the others don’t get, Dad. I didn’t need you or Troy or Andy to pass judgement on me back then because I was constantly passing judgement on myself. You’re not an alcoholic. You don’t get what it does and why it’s so addictive to people like me.”

“You’re right, son,” David said with a measure of regret. “I shouldn’t have turned a blind eye to it back then. But you’ve been sober for years now. You had plenty of opportunities to come clean to me or to Kyle.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m cured!” Jacob waved his arms out to his sides. “I’m always going to be like this, Dad. You can’t fix this. I know you think you can but it’s a daily fight I have every day with myself. And, yeah, it does get easier over time, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a chance I don’t slide back into that person.”

David narrowed his eyes in confusion, wondering how they got on this subject. “What does all this have to do with your dad dying?”

“Because it felt so good to just disappear into that bottle when they gave me the news. It was like this instant relief from the hurt, the pain, the grief and the guilt. After he died, I never wanted to stop. You remember. I was so drunk after he died that I could barely leave the house!”

“I was so afraid for you,” David said. “I was afraid you would hurt yourself or worse. And now that I know what happened…” He shook his head, his heart hurting for his boy. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jacob smiled despite the pain he felt at having to remember. “Because there was nothing you could have done or said to make me feel better about what I did.”

“What you did?”

Tears of frustration filled his eyes as Jacob snapped. “Yes! Me! I did that! That’s my fault.”

David shook his head. “That’s not true.”

Jacob squeezed his eyes shut, remembering the last time he saw that face that had never fully stopped haunting him. “I know you don’t see it that way. I know, rationally, I shouldn’t feel that way either. But I do! I can’t help it. There was no way I could tell you back then because all I wanted was the next drink. That’s what kept me sane. Or at least numb. Kept me free from having to feel any of this.”

“You heard your uncle told you about Joe and what happened to him when he was a kid.”

Jacob shook his head sadly. “And that only reinforced how horrible of a person I was.”

“Jacob.” David moved to him and put his arms around him in a loving embrace. “You are not a bad person. And you are not at fault.”

Jacob gave into the feeling of warmth and comfort. “I know that in my head,” he replied with a shaky voice as tears sprang from his eyes. “But my heart says something else.”

David continued to hold him, praying with all his heart he could take this away from this boy who had been through more than he could bear. “You have to tell Kyle. You have to get help and get this out in the open so you can get past this.”

“No, Dad.” Jacob took a step back to look at him. “It’s only going to complicate things.”

“You don’t believe that. That’s your fear talking again. He is your husband. He loves you. And he will help you to come to grips with this.”

“I wish it were that easy,” Jacob said with a tired sigh.

“It is. You just have to have faith.”

A reluctant smile came to Jacob’s lips as he nodded. “I’m sorry for all this.”

“Well, you can make it up to me.”

“How?”

David looked at him with a smirk. “Go visit your brother this week. Meet with him. Get to know him.”

Jacob frowned. “How’s that going to help?”

David turned and headed back towards the house. “In ways you probably can’t imagine.”

Jacob followed quietly for a few moments before he reluctantly said, “I have been curious about… well, about him.”

“He’s a good kid,” David said. “And when he’s finally through all this mess, he’s going to come here and find out what it’s like to have a real family.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

David laughed. “As sure as I was the day I brought a battered and beaten boy home from the hospital.”

Jacob relaxed slightly, knowing David had made his point and there was no use arguing. “Not to mention a broken marine…”

David nodded. “Or a boy disowned from his small-minded family. Or a boy who thought he had lost everything before his life actually started.”

“And then there was the kid who needed somewhere he could be safe.”

David paused in his steps. “That was more you and Andy than me. But now that you mention it, I think I’m going to go inside and call Tyler and pester him for a bit.” He opened the back door and entered the kitchen. Colt was already done leaving Kyle to finish drying and putting everything away. Kyle turned looking concerned as he watched David and Jacob return from their walk.

Kyle looked at the two of them in the silence between them. His dad seemed his usual self, but Jacob seemed uneasy about something. “How was the walk?”

“Fine,” David said as he slowly stepped up to the table, with Jacob at his side. He put a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Jacob has something he needs to tell you.”

Kyle’s eyes went from David to Jacob, feeling his concerns grow. “Okay.”

Jacob met Kyle’s gaze as David left the kitchen. A part of him wished David would stay. He stood there silently as Kyle remained in his chair at the table. He knew he had to say something. He knew what he should say. But the words seemed jumbled and out of sync in his mind. “Um. We… I…” Jacob let out a frustrated breath and tried again. “I need to tell you something.”

Kyle’s sense of concern remained, though he was starting to realize this was less about their relationship and more about something else. His instincts told him to be patient and make Jacob feel comfortable. “That’s what Dad said. Do you want to talk here or somewhere else?”

“Probably somewhere else,” he replied as his head lowered so his focus was now on the table.

“Come on. Let’s go talk then.” Kyle closed the distance between them. As he watched Jacob face, the sadness Kyle could see in his eyes made his heart ache. Without another word, Kyle gently took his hand and led him to their rooms. Once they were inside, he shut and locked the door before sitting down together on the sofa. “Is this better,” he asked as he put a hand on Jacob’s shoulder.

Jacob nodded. “Yeah.” Kyle’s touch was welcome and at the same time it felt invasive. Not because he didn’t want Kyle to touch him. Rather, he felt he didn’t deserve the comfort it gave him. He put his hands together on his lap and kept his eyes focused there as he began to speak. “When I was a little kid, about Aaron’s age, I remember the house my dad and I used to live in. It was small, and we didn’t have much. Two bedrooms and a kitchen with a room in between is about all it was. But what I remember most about that place was how much I loved it because Dad was always buying me pencils and coloring books to play with. I loved drawing back then and he always encouraged me each time I had a piece of paper in front of me.”

Kyle listened to his words, feeling a sense that Jacob was carrying a heavy burden he had never realized until now. “It sounds a lot like you in some ways,” he said softly.

Jacob’s lips lifted in a smile that wilted in the blink of an eye. “Yeah.” His voice felt odd to his ears, but he forced himself to keep going. “He was a different person then. And I’m telling you this because I don’t want to keep talking about all the negative things about him. My dad was a person. He wasn’t perfect or anything like that. But he wasn’t a monster like I’ve made him sound over the years.” He looked up at Kyle and continued. “He started drinking when I was about seven. Maybe eight. Things started to get harder after that. I remember the first time he hit me. He didn’t mean too. He just wanted to be alone in his misery. But I was loud and bouncing around wanting to show him something I drew. I think it happened so fast that both of us were surprised. I…” Jacob was suddenly reminded not of just that incident but the gradual fallout that came after it. The slow but unstoppable loss of his innocence. When he started to become suspicious of people and less outgoing year after year. “I forgave him, and it was a long time after that before things got really bad. By the time I was ten, we had to move out of the house. He never said why. But I’m pretty sure it had to do with his drinking. He scraped by on odd jobs and welfare for a while. We moved around a lot after that. That’s something I remember a lot. Moving. You lose stuff when you move so much. And I lost a lot. Toys. My drawing set. Pictures. Memories and half-formed friendships you never get to experience.”

He contemplated what to say next before he continued. The look in Kyle’s eyes – loving with an inner strength that Jacob always sees even if Kyle doesn’t – helped him find the confidence to continue. “The abuse wasn’t always physical. Most people wouldn’t even call it abuse, really. By the time I was twelve, I knew I had to get myself out of bed every morning for school. I had to make sure Dad was breathing wherever he had passed out the night before. I had to get clean clothes and feed myself. And I did all of it to try to make things look normal to everyone else. I took care of him when he couldn’t do it himself. Make dinner, clean the laundry, all of it. The last thing I wanted was for someone to come in and take me away from my dad. One of the things he used to always tell me was, ‘as long as we have each other we’ll be okay.’ I really wanted to believe that. And… well… he was my dad. I loved him. I really did. I want you to know that. I know it sounds stupid. No one should love a person who beats them and makes them grow up before they should. But I did.”

Kyle smiled and moved closer to him. “Baby, no one would expect anything else from you. Is that what this is all about?”

Jacob put his hand in Kyle’s as he answered. “No. I just… want to be totally honest with you. I haven’t been truthful with you about it all in the past. I evaded or lied whenever we talked about him. And now, having learned so much about him I never knew, I know now that was wrong of me.

“Kyle, I told you the last time I saw him, we had a fight. But it was totally one-sided. What I didn’t tell you and what I haven’t told anyone is what happened after that fight. Because of it.”

With a nod of encouragement, Kyle urged him on. “It’s okay. Nothing you say to me is going to change the fact that I love you.”

Jacob smiled even as it hurt with tears springing to his eyes. “Thanks. I think I told you that we had a fight about him wanting to be a part of my life again. He said he didn’t care what it was as long as I gave him a chance. He was sober and had been for years. He said that it gave him a clearer mind to see where everything went wrong. He told me he was worried about me. That I was going down the same path he had, and he didn’t want me to get hurt.

“I didn’t tell him about you or how you left. I didn’t tell him that my drinking had already ruined my life already. I was just angry at him. He had lost a lot of the extra weight and he looked…” Overcome with the memory of that day, Jacob’s voice broke slightly. “He looked like he used to be. His eyes were clear, and his voice wasn’t slurred. But I was an angry, bitter drunk because all I could see was what he took from me. On some stupid level, I think I blamed him for what happened between you and me.”

Seeing Jacob in pain only made Kyle’s heart ache in shared pain as he leaned into him and put an arm around his shoulders. “What happened between us was our fault, sweetheart. I know you know that now, but I’m sorry I was too stubborn and afraid to try and fix things then.”

Jacob shook his head. “That’s not the worst part. I wish it was. I wish I could go back and stop myself from what I did to him.”

“What did you do?”

He took a moment to stop the tide of memories of a life spent being angry and afraid that inevitably crashed into that moment. “I told him I didn’t want to see him again. He begged me. I remember he grabbed my arm. Not like he was going to hurt me. But like he was grabbing for a life preserver. He told me I was all he had in this world. And he meant that, Kyle. I was all he had in his life where he had watched his own father kill his family before killing himself. Where he watched his wife, his soulmate, die in front of him as his second child came into the world. Where his grief pushed him into years of drinking away his pain the same way I would drink away all of my pain.”

Jacob looked up into Kyle’s eyes. “And do you know how I repaid him for his hard work to turn his life around and try to be the father he knew he should have been? I told him that he wasn’t my father anymore. And I told him I never wanted to see him again before I walked out the door.”

Kyle nodded. “You told me that before. Then he died a few days later.” He waited for Jacob to continue, seeing a deep, mournful pain in his eyes grow.

“No,” Jacob said in a whisper. “That part isn’t true. A few days later, I was told he had died. That’s what Dad was talking about earlier. Officer Bell was one of the cops who came to give me the news. They found his body earlier that morning when his boss reported him missing. They checked his apartment and found him. Hanging there.”

Kyle’s mouth opened slightly in astonishment. “Jacob…”

“Yeah.” Jacob nodded to confirm his unasked question. “He killed himself an hour or so after I left him.”

“Oh, my love.” Kyle wrapped his arms around Jacob and held him tenderly. “That wasn’t your fault.”

Jacob smiled through his pain. “On some level, yeah, I know it wasn’t. But that doesn’t take away the guilt.” He paused and whispered, “and I won’t say I didn’t think about following his example not long after that.”

“I’m so sorry.” Kyle said. “I’m sorry you lost him in such a horrible way. I’m sorry your dad couldn’t find it in himself to try harder. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me.”

In the silence that followed, Jacob felt the first true sense of comfort over the loss of his father. And the beginning of a process of finally believing in his heart that he could finally let go of the guilt that he had buried deep inside him. “I went on a five day bender to ignore it and after that people stopped asking me about him. And that helped to just forget it and not remember.”

Hearing those words made it all fall into place for Kyle. Now he understood. “And when you found out about Josh, it just brought all of those memories back you wanted to forget.”

“Yeah.” Jacob let out a deep, cleansing sigh. “Not only that, though. It brought out all of the resentments I kept burying. And to be fair, yes, some of that was about you. It’s not that I was mad about how focused you were on your job. I was just feeling left out in a way. I should have found a better way to deal with it.”

“Yeah,” Kyle agreed as he looked Jacob in the eyes. “Like say, ‘Kyle, I need to spend some time with you.’ Or just tell me how you’re feeling honestly and stop saying, ‘everything’s fine’ when you know it isn’t. I will listen to you.”

Jacob smiled sheepishly. “It’s something I still have to work on, I think. It’s what kids from abusive households do. Just pretend everything is fine to keep the peace. We don’t want to cause problems because then things can get messy.”

Kyle leaned in and kissed him lovingly, letting their lips linger for a moment before he sat back. “Jacob Michael. You can be as messy and speak your mind no matter what it is, and nothing is going to change the fact that I love you more than anyone else in the world. You are a part of me and that is something that will never change. Before everyone else, even Dad and the boys, you are my family. You are where it all starts in my heart. Never forget that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should have. And I heaped all my problems onto you and that wasn’t fair of me.”

“Well, I forgive you. But if I’m being honest, I think our fights helped me put things into a better perspective.”

Jacob leaned into him and laid his head on Kyle’s shoulder. “How so?”

Kyle smirked as they both shifted to get comfortable. “Well, I think between the two of us, I work too much. And that needs to change. So, after this case with Josh is done, then I’m going to go down to just a few days a week in the office. Two, maybe three.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, feeling comfortable with the idea. “There’re enough people working there they can handle just about anything. And if I do have to do some work at home, I can do it while you’re working, and the boys are at school. Beyond that, though, I know I’ve already missed out on a lot, and I don’t want to miss anything else. There’s enough here to keep me busy and even if I do have to work on some stuff at home, it’ll only be when no one else is here.”

“We both need a vacation,” Jacob declared. “Just go somewhere and get away from all of it.”

Kyle agreed. “This summer I’ll go back to taking two weeks off in July. We’ll take the boys to California. Mom can spoil them while you and I do our own thing.”

Jacob’s smile showed he liked that idea. “Pretty sure that would make everyone happy. Colt and Dad get some time to themselves, your mom gets to spoil her grandchildren while you and I can do… lots of stuff.”

He watched Jacob’s suggestive look as his face moved closer to his. “I like doing lots of stuff,” Kyle grinned before their lips met.

****

David slowly descended the stairs and headed to the front room. He felt tired yet satisfied at the same time. It had been an hour since Kyle and Jacob went into their rooms to talk and he didn’t hear any big commotion, so he could safely assume things were working out for the best in their regards. When he entered the front room, he found Colt alone laying comfortably on the sofa next to his recliner. David let out an involuntary groan as he sat down and leaned back in his chair.

Colt looked over his shoulder as David reclined his chair back. Since they were alone in the room, he felt he could finally ask the question he’d been asking himself since dinner. “You gonna tell me what the hell is going on now?”

David sighed. “Truth be told, I’m a bit shocked to say Jacob somehow managed to keep a secret from me for fifteen years. He’s in there telling Kyle about it now. Something he should have done a long time ago.”

Colt frowned, knowing that David didn’t answer the question. “So, what’s the big secret?”

David weighed the pros and cons of telling Colt and just decided to go with what felt right. “Jacob’s father hung himself after Jacob rejected him the last time they spoke. He’s been avoiding it ever since.”

Colt whistled low in surprise. “Whoa. That’s a heap o’ guilt to be lugging all over the place. How’d you figure it out?”

“Alan Bell,” he answered simply. “He was there and saw it. Came and told Jacob but never told me. When I saw him today, I asked him about it, and he honestly thought I already knew. Was shocked as hell that Jacob never told me.”

Colt nodded solemnly. “Poor kid. That’s never a good way for things to end. You think that’s going to patch them up?”

“I hope,” David said. “That’s about the last trick I had up my sleeve.”

As much as he loved David, Colt always got annoyed at his constant meddling. “Did it ever occur to you to just let them work it out on their own?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “And if I hadn’t, there’s a good chance they would have repaired the damage on their own and no harm done. But I’m their father and I love them. And if I can find a way to make it easier for them to get to a point where they are happy and healthy, then I’m not going to just turn my back and ignore what’s going on right in front of me.”

“Well,” Colt muttered. “It’s high time they sort this shit out on their own. You don’t see Stewie and Bri havin’ to have an intervention.”

David chuckled silently to himself. “From now on then, maybe I’ll have them take care of Kyle and Jacob when they fight.”

Colt scoffed. “Like that’ll ever happen.”

David looked at him for a long moment before he said in a softer tone, “you should call him.”

Colt rolled his eyes. “That’s not likely to help any.”

While David knew Colt would never openly admit it, the rift between him and his son had been hard for the officer to bear. And while he may deny it, Colt misses the family that he lost even though he found a place in David’s. “Doesn’t hurt to try. Every day you wait is another day you lose.”

“Just let it go,” Colt said quietly. “He’s made his choice.”

David nodded. “His loss then.” David ended the subject, and they settled in for a quiet night with their family.