Before And After the Divorce - 27. Goodbye Denial, Hello Acceptance

After some soul searching, I realized they were right, and I was falling in love with Colton. I can't wait until Tuesday comes. My visit with Dr. Aslers is going to be a doozy! After my brain processed everything, I went back out to join the sane people. Well, relatively sane. As I expected, Dad had left. Dave and Patty just looked at me, obviously expecting me to make the first move.

I took a deep breath. "Okay, I suppose you're right. Maybe it is more than like with Colton. I'm afraid if I admit it, things will go south. I'll talk to my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I admit I have issues to work through regarding the relationship I had with Jackson and Zach. I'm sorry I got upset with you. I felt like you were ganging up on me, trying to convince me of something I was fighting against."

"Apology accepted,” Patty said. “We've been talking, too, and realize we probably pushed too hard, so Dave and I are sorry."

"Thanks. Let’s move forward. Is there any pie left?"

Dave joked, "He's fine. He wants food."

"There are a couple of slices of each. Do you want coffee, too?" Patty asked.

"No, thanks, I'll just have a glass of milk with it, then get ready for bed. It's been a day."

She agreed. "It sure has. We'll leave you to your pie and see you in the morning."

"Okay, Dave, Patty. Goodnight."

Tuesday

The first of the week was calm. All of us were up early for breakfast both days except Sal. I was relieved to find the apartment still in one piece after Dad and Patty were there Monday afternoon. Tuesday, she went looking at houses while Dad was there. I headed straight from work to Dr. Aslers' office.

"Good afternoon, Dylan. How have you been?"

"Mostly okay, but I've had a few tough days recently. Things have been in a bit of turmoil since Thursday. My brother and his family are staying with us for a while, until he gets settled somewhere for his new job. Saturday and Sunday were also stressful days."

"Why don't we go in order? What happened Thursday?"

"As you know, I usually go out with Colton on Thursdays and meet a few friends at Casey's."

"Yes?"

"There was an article in the paper about Jackson and Zach. Apparently, neither one of them committed suicide. They were both murdered in jail."

"How did that make you feel?"

"That’s the thing. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. Confused? Angry? Guilty? I know they got themselves into trouble, but I never wanted them to get killed over it. If they decided to commit suicide, that was their choice. But having someone else kill them? Even they didn't deserve that. And they weren't given a choice. I feel like I helped send them to their deaths."

"I understand your dilemma, and it’s okay to have mixed feelings. As you said—they made their choices. Once that was done, they essentially gave up control of their own lives. Whatever consequence followed their illegal actions, they caused that too. You weren't there to kill them, right?"

"Heavens, no!” I shuddered. “I'd never do anything like that. Maybe I thought about it in the heat of the moment, but to follow through? No, I couldn't do that."

Dr. Aslers tapped his pen on his knee. "Did you make them commit their crimes?"

"No."

"If your life was a movie, what role did you play in the show?"

I had to think about what he was getting at. Finally, it clicked, "Victim?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"Telling. I was a victim."

The doctor cocked his head. "Do victims have any control over any of the actions or ramifications of those who are victimizing them?"

"No."

"Therefore you..."

"Had no control over them.” I leaned forward. “But I still feel guilty about the part I played."

"Feeling guilt is perfectly normal. It's how one deals with that guilt, which is important. Once you realize you weren't truly involved in the actions you feel guilty about, the guilt will start to slip away. You need to recognize, deep down, that you played no role in what happened to Jackson and Zach. Also, their actions dictated the path they were on. The result was inevitable whether you were involved or not. You can't stop the world from spinning. What happens outside your control is not your fault."

"Yes. I see what you're getting at. Bottom line is, give it some time, and I won't feel bad about it anymore."

"That is your goal, correct. What about Saturday?"

I took a steadying breath. "As I said, my brother and his family are staying with us. Patty, his wife, has bradyphrenia. Are you familiar with that?"

"Yes. It can be difficult for the patient and everyone around them."

"Saturday, Patty showed some, let's call it ignorance, about gay people. We were discussing the possibility of joining Colton and Jiho at the Korean spa on Sunday. She made some very uncomfortable comments about being nude around other people, specifically children. She also indicated she believed we could influence children into becoming gay. I lost control and had to leave the room. She later realized that I had said Colton was my boyfriend and that what she said was hurtful. Dave and I corrected some of her views, and things settled down. Then on Sunday..."

"One moment. So, you became comfortable with each other again, and that conflict was resolved?"

"Yes. We were able to talk things over rationally. We also convinced her that the grudge she held against our father was unfounded and based on an incorrect assumption. We had dinner together Sunday, including Colton, Jiho, and Colton's parents."

"But then something else happened?"

"Yes. After Colton and his family left, in my mind, my brother and sister-in-law were badgering me about how I felt about him. My position was that I simply liked him. They believed it was more than that. They made me realize that, yes, I did have stronger feelings for Colton but was fighting them."

"And do you know why you were fighting those feelings?"

"I do now. I realized I was comparing my relationship with Colton to those with Zach and Jackson. You know how well those turned out."

"And what conclusion did you come to after your revelation?”

I folded his hands together to stop the trembling. "I was afraid of my relationship with Colton imploding like it did with Jackson and Zach. I feel like if I let myself get too close, and something happens, I won’t be able to stand it."

"Does Colton know what happened with Zach and Jackson?"

"Yes, I've been completely open with him about that."

"How do you think he took that information?"

"I suppose how you could expect anybody, well, normal, to react. He showed concern. It upset him."

"What do you think it would have meant if he didn’t get upset?"

I worried my bottom lip as I considered his question. "That he was more like them than not."

"So, what does his being concerned and upset tell you?"

"That he's not like them."

Dr. Aslers nodded. "When one is recovering from a bad relationship, one must make themselves believe that not every relationship they will have will turn out the same way. Deep down, do you think Colton would ever hurt you like Jackson did?"

"No. He's a good man."

"What do you think would happen if you ever parted ways?"

"What do you mean?" I wasn’t sure what the doctor was getting at.

"Do you think it would be because you drifted apart, perhaps realized you weren't right for each other, or would it end because of a significant conflict?"

"I see. No. I can't see it ending on a bad note. Of course, I don’t want it to end."

"So, you're not in the relationship just to have fun with another man?"

"No. No—definitely not. I mean, we have fun, but we're taking the sexual part of it slow."

"Is that only because of what Jackson did to you? Or do you think he wants to go slow so sex doesn't become an issue?"

"He's content for us to go slow."

“That’s not answering my question. Let me rephrase. Why do you think Colton is content to take things slowly regarding your sexual relationship??

I shifted uncomfortably before replying, “I think he’s being considerate of my hesitance to take things further. He knows how much Jackson barebacking me without consent just to mess with me fucked things up in my head.

“What do you think that means when it comes to his feelings for you? Do you think he loves you or could love you at some point?"

"Yes. I think he's about where I'm at. Recognizing that there's something more than just liking each other."

"Did you ever feel that way with Jackson or Zach?"

"Definitely not with Zach. He may have wanted more, but I was content just having a friend. With Jackson, yes, I did feel myself growing closer to him until the outcome of our first-time having sex."

"Once again, does Colton know how Jackson violated your trust?"

"Yes. He even felt that they got what they deserved, though, at the time, we only heard they had killed themselves. It's funny; he's a pharmacist, and he commented on having an unlimited supply of condoms."

"And..."

"That tells me he'd never do anything like Jackson did."

"Very good. Now, I will ask you a question, and I don’t want you to think about the answer. I want your gut response."

"Um. Okay."

"How do you feel about Colton?"

"I think I'm falling in love with him."

"Good!” Dr. Aslers smiled. “You didn't hesitate. And the converse, how do you think he feels about you?"

"On his way to loving me if he's not already there."

"I believe we're done for the day. You recognize the triggers for your recent issues. You’ve also demonstrated that you can talk them out rationally."

I sighed in relief. "You're absolutely right. Thank you for the help."

"As always, it is my pleasure. I got into psychiatry because I wanted to help people. It's very satisfying when a patient has a breakthrough like you have. I'll see you again in two weeks. If things are going well for you at that time, I think we can go longer between visits. Always with the understanding that if you need to see me sooner, I’m available through my service."

"Sounds good. Have a good night."

"You as well."

Everybody was already home by the time I got there. Dad had made spaghetti and meatballs, bringing over a tub of his homemade sauce and the meatballs. I gave them the Cliff notes version of my session with Dr. Aslers They were happy for me. I asked Patty about the houses she looked at.

"Oh, my God, Dylan. The five bedroom that I mentioned. It's absolutely gorgeous! Marilyn said the owners are looking to move out quickly and are willing to negotiate. Marilyn believes they'll take a little less if we can agree to a quicker closing."

"That's wonderful. And how does Dave feel about that?"

"The pictures are nice. Of course, I'll need to see it in person before deciding, but it could work if we can get a decent price and keep it at least close to what we were hoping to spend. Patty has scheduled a showing on Saturday that we can all go to."

"Have you seen the pictures, Sal?"

"Yes. It looks nice. I'll have my choice of any of the other four bedrooms, and there are a couple that look bigger than the one I have now, well, at the old house."

"Did you ask about the neighborhood, Patty?"

She hesitated. I realize that if something doesn't register with her immediately, she takes a moment to consider it. I now know what I used to see as snootiness is her way of processing information. Patiently, I waited for her to answer.

"Yes.” She smiled and nodded. “It's in a nice section of town. It's walking distance to the high school, and there are a few families with children close to Sal's age."

I grinned. "Sounds like a winner to me."

"There is one possible issue." Dave stated.

"What's that Dave?"

"If we can get a quick closing, three or four weeks, I don't see the point in looking for an apartment. Our best bet would be to stay here longer if it’s okay. Otherwise, I’ll have to arrange an extended-stay hotel."

"Saturday night, that would have been a problem, but we got past the issues. I don't have a problem with you staying longer as long as everyone is willing to communicate."

Sal and Dominic high-fived each other. They seem to be getting along very well, even with the age difference.

"But what about Sal's school?" I asked.

"Well, the house is within the Grove City school district, so he'd go to the same school as if we were living here. If we put in an offer, and it’s accepted, I'll sign him up, and he won't miss too much time."

Sal groaned. "There goes my long vacation!"

Thursday

Colton and I didn't sit with the gang at Casey's for very long. I wanted to fill him in on my visit with Dr. Aslers. We moved to a small table in a quieter corner.

After summarizing the visit, I placed my hand over his. "The doctor helped me admit something to myself."

Worry lines marred his forehead. "What was that?"

"That I'm falling in love with you."

Colton’s expression melted into a joyous smile. "Oh, Dylan! That makes me so very happy. I have realized that I feel the same way. I was not sure you were quite at the same point."

"I was confused about my previous relationships. I was spending too much energy comparing us to Jackson and me. Dr. Ansler helped me realize that not every relationship will end in disaster."

"That is wonderful. I understand that you are not very comfortable with public displays of affection, but I would really like to kiss you right now."

"I believe I'll make an exception."

Colton stood, pulled me up, and locked our lips together. He kissed me like his life depended on it. The gang we usually sat with noticed and started whooping and hollering.

"Yeah!"

"Aww, get a room. But sell tickets."

"I knew it."

There were many similar catcalls that we ignored. Even some of the regular, straight patrons applauded for us.

When we finally came up for air, I said, "I love you, Colton."

"I love you too,” he declared. “Shall we go back to my house so we may have a little privacy?"

"Yes, that's a great idea."

We had agreed to alternate who pays for the drinks and snacks. It was Colton's turn, so he settled the tab. I brought the extra mozzarella sticks and potato skins to the gang's table.

"We're going to head out. You guys can have the rest of these."

"Thanks, and congratulations!” Justin winked. “I knew you two were perfect for each other."

I chuckled. "Thanks, Justin."

"Have a good time. Do you need, you know?"

Heat rushed to my cheeks. "No. We have that covered."

Colton and I walked out of the bar hand-in-hand. He texted his mother to see if Jiho could stay the night. She answered affirmatively. Even though it was only about a five-minute drive to his house, we kissed each other like we were saying goodbye for a year.

After we got to his house, he broke the ice, "I will understand if you think it is too soon. But I would like it very much if we could make love tonight."

"No. I don't think it's too soon. I knew what I wanted as soon as your mom said she would keep Jiho for the night. I want to take things to the next stage. I want to wake up beside you in the morning. Between my issues with Jackson and fighting myself over my feelings for you, I need to cement the connection between us. I would be very happy if we made love tonight."

Colton led me to his bedroom. I couldn't even tell you what it looked like. I was so focused on him. We lay on the bed kissing. Even though we both wanted this, we still took our time, building up the passion slowly. When Colton broke the kiss to start undressing me, my emotions got the better of me.

"You are crying, Dylan. Why?"

"They're happy tears, Colton. I feel like I have something with you that I've never had before. It’s a little overwhelming."

"I understand. I feel the same." He stood and pulled me, hugging me close.

Words were no longer necessary. He trailed his fingers over my skin as he peeled off my clothes. I reveled in the way his flesh goosebumped as I returned the favor. When we were nude, he gently pushed me back on the bed. I paused a moment just to appreciate him. His hard cock jutted out, so I took him into my mouth sucked for all I was worth.

Colton gasped. His hips bucked, and I gagged as he hit the back of my throat.

“Dylan! Stop! You will make me come too fast.”

Reluctantly, I pulled off, but not before swiping my tongue along his crown. He reached into his nightstand and took out a tube of lube and two condoms. I opened one of the condoms and slowly rolled it down his dick, grinning as his breath hitched. I coated my fingers with lube and smeared it over the condom before pushing the rest in my ass. I straddled him and slowly lowered myself. As odd as it may sound, I felt the most wonderful pain. Once he was completely inside me, I paused needing the moment to last. I leaned down to kiss him and started moving my hips sensually.

“Mmmm,” I hummed, letting the motion wash over me.

Colton gripped my hips and moved faster. Each thrust sent shivers through me. I knew he was getting close when his grip tightened and sweat beaded his brow. He shouted my name as his orgasm barreled through him. I felt his cock throb as he emptied himself into the condom. It was nothing like it was with Jackson. It's impossible to explain, but it felt so right.

I laid on top of him until he softened and left an empty place inside me. I rolled to the side and cupped his cheek, drawing him in for a soft kiss. We listened to each other breathing as he recovered.

It wasn’t long before Colton’s kisses fanned my desire. He slowly jacked me a few times before reaching for the other condom and slipping it over my hard length. It was almost too much. Using all the willpower I had, I stilled his hand, preventing myself from having an orgasm too soon. I had a moment's respite as he used the lube on himself. My heart sped up as I watched him finger himself open. He pulled his legs back, nearly being able to put his knees beneath his shoulders but holding his legs back with his hands.

“Beautiful,” I whispered as he exposed himself to me. I took a moment to revel in his body before I slowly began entering him.

Colton whimpered. Once I was inside him, he released his legs and wrapped them around me. I began thrusting slowly. It wasn’t long before he urged me to go faster. I was not willing to disappoint him, so I complied. Within moments, I was giving him everything I had.

I threw my head back and slammed into him. I felt like I would cum forever, but alas, it was over too soon. His legs fell to the side, and I collapsed on top of him. Panting, I carefully pulled out, and slid next to him. I removed the condom and dropped it into the trash container he had next to the bed.

However, we weren't done yet. We continued kissing, and soon, we were both hard once again. We laid side-by-side, and I scooted around so we were sixty-nine. Wet heat engulfed me, and I took his cock to the back of my throat. I could taste the remnants of his cum, and it was driving me wild. It took us a little longer, but we exploded into each other's mouths nearly simultaneously. He tasted salty-sweet, and I couldn’t get enough. We separated and lay face-to-face, sharing what remained in our mouths with each other. I wrapped my arms around him, and he held on tightly.

I was so content I started drifting off to sleep. His quiet voice brought me back to wakefulness.

"I love you, Dylan. I would like to have this moment last forever. It is something I will never forget. You are such a gentle man, but rough when you need to be. I have not been this happy in a long time. I do not wish to upset you by comparing you to Anakin, but these moments were as wonderful as any I spent with him."

I sighed a happy sigh. "I love you too, Colton. I have no problem being compared to Anakin. I hope I can make you half as happy as you were with him."

We drifted off, knowing morning would come too soon. I could have stayed in his arms forever, but we both knew there would be other moments like these.