Trash Polka - 21. Chapter 21

“You ran away like a bitch. Got it. Got it.” I stared up at the ceiling as I processed everything Alec had told me. I wasn’t sure where to go with this information. It seemed Alec had decided on pursuing something with Finn. Even if he didn’t want to admit it. They’d met up more than once. Alec had gone to Finn’s brother’s house. That had led to them making out and having to be separated before they went at it. Then, realizing what he’d done, he’d run. He was always running from Finn. Good thing the man was a personal trainer and did his cardio. Either way, a thought occurred to me. This wasn’t casual. This was a flame being violently reignited.

“Yep. That about sums it up.”

“Did he text you or call?” I asked as I held a pillow to myself.

“My phone’s in my room, so maybe.” Alec shrugged and sighed.

I watched a dreamy look take over his face as he got lost in thought and I couldn’t help but laugh, “I’m guessing it was good by the glazed over look in your eyes.”

“It was.” Alec groaned, “Who am I kidding? It was amazing! If we had been in private, we would’ve slept together River.”

“Damn. Get it then. One of us should be getting some whilst on this vacation.” I yawned, playing with his blue hair as it fell over my pillow.

“Okay but-“

“Alright, I’m going to smack you right across your pretty face. I’m going to kick you in the shin too. Listen to me.”

“Riv-“

“No talk. Just listen. You talk enough to yourself in your head. My turn. You want Finn. He wants you. You’re both adults and he’s pursuing you. Finn might want a relationship and what’s so horrible about that? You’re throwing away your best shot at happiness in a long time Alec. It’s honestly hard to watch. You run around in circles, beating your head against a wall in your mind. I get you have trauma. Same. You can’t let it control your life now. If something feels right, just fucking go with it already. God, I love you so much but you’re exhausting me right now.”

I took a breath after spitting all the words out in one. I was so tired. I was exhausted of trying to solve everyone’s problems while mine remained mountains I was too scared to conquer. Everything was starting to be too much, and I was fucking frustrated. I felt terrible when Alec went silent, pulling his knees to his chest. A pained expression sat on his face, and I wished that my own personal struggles weren’t bleeding into how I approached Alec. I was being too hard on him. He was going through it. I could stand to give him more grace. I wanted to, but the thought alone let the edges of my mind darken with fatigue.

“I miss him. Being so close, I can see how much.” He mumbled into his knees, “I don’t understand why. We weren’t together long, and it ended badly. We were kids. None of it makes sense.”

“Why does it have to? Why does it have to fit in a neat little box someone else came up with? You’ve been holding onto this for so long. Both of you. That has to mean something. It’s something worth fighting for or at least looking into.”

He nodded and curled more against me as we snuggled under the blankets. I slid my phone from my pocket as he relaxed into me. I was being so critical of him. I was calling him out for behavior I was engaging in as well. It really was simple. I was having an issue but instead of solving it, I was using Alec’s crisis to hide from taking accountability. It was embarrassing. I looked at the last lack luster message I’d sent as I curled around my friend. I rubbed his back as I opened the messaging app.

[R: I know I’ve been weird. I do think we need to talk. I’m sorry it took so long for me to come out and say it.]

“Call him. Meet up and grab dinner or something. A controlled environment where you won’t feel like you’re at a disadvantage or something.” I said, holding Alec tight as I threw my phone behind me.

“Okay. I’ll figure something out. You’re right, I think. It’s so hard getting out of my head. I’m having a hard time being objective and rational.” Alec yawned and I let my eyes slip closed as his breathing slowed.

Alec was sitting on a bench at the end of my hotel bed while I fussed with a red spike choker. He’d been in a strange mood since we’d joined back up after the day. We’d worked through an entire shoot with him acting like a zombie and being ten times quieter than he’d ever been. We’d still managed to get some decent pictures, but it was making me uncomfortable. We’d planned to do another quick one just slightly changing up the outfit. It was really the least of my worries. I didn’t know what was going through Alec’s head. I knew the basics of what had happened with his mother the first time he’d visited. There was no way this time had gone any better. I knew he was hurting. Finn had added another layer. I wasn’t sure how to approach any of it. I didn’t know how to ease the different types of pain he might be feeling.

“Is this too much?” I asked. I frowned at myself in the mirror, hand on one hip. It was too late either way, but I was starting to worry that maybe this outfit was the wrong choice. I couldn’t do much about it. I’d only brought certain ensembles that'd been packed in haste. Hopefully the red graphic liner and slicked back hair could help out a little.

He looked at me critically for a moment, “It makes you look slightly more muscular, and the red looks good with your tattoos.”

“Okay, but my ass though, would you pay to see it?” I asked hoping to keep the awareness in his eyes. Zombie Alec freaked me out.

“You know it looks good. It always does, idiot.”

“Awe, love you too. Alright, picture time. I have to make up for being out here somehow!” I jumped on the bed and Alec stood, getting the camera ready and directing me in a slightly less robotic way than earlier. That was a good sign I hoped.

“So, how was your afternoon? You’re very quiet. That makes me nervous.” I asked, looking at him over my shoulder.

“Arch your back more.” Alec sighed and snapped another picture, “I met up with Finn.”

I tensed but I waited for him to take the picture before I moved, “How did it go? Did he ask for your hand? Will I have to defend your honor?”

“No weirdo. I told my mom off one last time. My dad was weird too. He said a lot of things about wanting to be in my life, but I don’t know. I’m not sure that I have the strength for it.” He shrugged as he held out the camera so I could see how this batch of pictures turned out.

“Then Finn called, and we talked and met up. We made out earlier, but I think we settled on how bad of an idea trying to be together would be.”

I grabbed the camera and threw it over my shoulder onto the bed, “Not important right now. So, you went off alone with him again? You? My sweet, innocent, anxious, little introvert? You told him how you felt and you had a big boy conversation?”

Alec shrugged and rubbed his neck, avoiding my eyes as his friend I forced us face to face, “I guess.”

“I’m so proud of you. Do you want me to handle the sale of your house? Make sure y’all use protection. Finn doesn’t know where you’ve been.” I laughed and dodged as Alec tried to shove me.

“Hey! I just told you we decided against being together.” Alec growled, tackling me onto the bed.

I wrapped my arms around him, his still around my waist from the tackle, “And you’re happy about that?”

I felt him rest his cheek against my shoulder, “I’m not sure. In a perfect world would I want to be with him? I’m sure I’d try. But River...It’s a terrible idea.”

I hummed as I worked my fingers through his hair, “Makes sense. You never got over him. It doesn’t surprise me that Finny boy never got over you. He was head over heels for you. I dislike that you’re acting like a relationship between the two of you is impossible because we both know you could make it work. If you wanted to.”

He took a moment to just breathe and I stayed quiet. I was comfortable with him tucked against me. Lord knows we’d slept like this plenty of times when we were younger. I'd become a pro at using my body to shield him from the rest of the world when we had nothing or were struggling.

I startled a bit when he finally spoke, “It feels wrong to want him. I hurt him when I left. Before I left, really.”

“You hurt each other. Finn didn’t handle it well either. Everything isn’t your fault just because you have mental health issues and you’re the one who left. As far as I know, you were pretty transparent about your plans. Finn could have come. He could’ve gone anywhere. Any college would’ve given him a full scholarship.”

I was starting to get a little annoyed with the narrative we were adopting. I knew it wasn’t just Alec thinking this. Finn had been hurt and it was far easier to blame the person who’d left and chased their dreams. It felt better than admitting he’d been scared to leave his comfort zone to chase the person he loved. It wasn’t like he’d be barred from a return to Iowa if he’d taken a chance. Dramatic ass teenagers.

Alec sighed and sprawled on his back, “He convinced himself he needed to stay for Milo.”

“Mm Milo.” I flopped onto my back. It’s too bad that man batted for the other team because damn.

“I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but he’s married.” Alec said and I could hear the teasing smile in his voice.

“Awe, what a shame. I would’ve been so good to him.” I sighed dramatically.

“I don’t know where to go from here.” Alec mumbled.

“Oh? You thinking of going home?” I turned to face him, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. I don’t see why I should stay here and try to keep visiting a woman that verbally abuses me. The longer I stay, the worse the temptation to start something up with Finn will be. It may be the best choice if we go home.”

“It’s up to you, friend. You know I’ll support you in anything. Ugh this collar’s way too tight.” I winced as I tugged at the material. You really got what you paid for.

Then there was a knock at the door. Which was strange. I stood, realized I looked like a fetish model, and turned to him, “I’ll grab a robe. Can you get that?”

When I didn’t hear voices right away, I moved a little faster. What the hell was going on? Who would be visiting me? Could it be Finn and he somehow knew which room was mine? That didn’t really make sense but other than hotel staff, I didn’t have many other options. I hurriedly tied the black robe closed as the silence in the other room stretched.

“Can I help you?” Alec finally asked and I calmed down a little. Not all the way, though. Alec’s voice sounded weird. Suspicious.

“My apologies. I must have the wrong room. I was under the impression that someone else was staying here.” I froze as I came out of the bathroom. My brain tried to make sense of what I was seeing. It was him. In a black suit and tie.

What the actual fuck?

“Ken?” Alec turned to me and now one set of blue eyes and one set of intense near black were focused on me, “What are you doing here?”

Alec faced Kenji again and I didn’t miss the way Ken looked at him. It made me uneasy. His eyes swept down Alec and narrowed, sizing him up as he calmly said, “This is the correct room then.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked. My brain refused to fire on all cylinders.

Alec must’ve clocked my discomfort and I could see my friend immediately go on the offensive. Alec’s eyes narrowed, “Listen, if you’re some kind of stalker or something, I’ll break your kneecaps.”

Kenji’s expression went neutral after snuffing out the start of a smile. Then he ran a hand over his carefully styled hair, “Kenji Shinoda.”

I could see Alec digesting the information and it was his turn to study Kenji. He made a face as they made eye contact again. I was helpless, frozen in place. It took me that long to realize what this must look like. I’d disappeared and refused to answer Kenji in a reasonable way. Then he finds me in another state with another man dressed the way I was. I watched the set of his jaw tighten. Was he…was Kenji jealous?

“You are scary as hell.” Alec blurted without thought.

“Uh, Alec, can you give us some time? We have things to discuss. I’m okay. Promise.” I asked. I crossed my arms over my chest and planted my feet. I didn’t care what this looked like. We weren’t exclusive and even if we were, it didn’t give him the right to stalk me across the country. The subject of the conversation we needed to have had changed a bit.

“I guess. You know where to find me if you need me.” Alec left the room, but not before glaring daggers at Kenji and making an “I’m watching you” gesture. The other man’s lips quirked up a fraction in what might have been another attempt at a smile.

I watched Kenji after Alec had closed the door. He was looking to the side and only focused on me when we heard a door close. More than likely Alec’s down the hall. He took a step forward and I stomped down the weird happiness I felt just seeing him. It startled me that I found I had missed him. I’d missed meeting in person, but I’d also missed our texting and phone calls. I was in deeper than I knew.

I held up a hand, “How the fuck did you find me? Let’s start there.”

He sighed, running a hand down his face, “Through inappropriate means. I’m not proud of myself, but I…I don’t know. You weren’t answering. I didn’t know what was going on. None of these are good excuses, nor did they give me the right to invade your privacy.”

“Obviously not. Are you stalking me?”

“No, but it’s not hard for me to get information and part of the contract you signed consented to a background check. I don’t think I need to go into specifics. I will just say that through...unsavory means, I violated your privacy to find you. It wasn’t right, but I’ve done it. I can only apologize now.” He shifted from one foot to the other. It hit me at once. He was nervous. Kenji was nervous.

“That’s not okay. That’s scary as hell. Who do you think you are?”

“Kenji Shinoda, heir to Shinoda family manufacturing and…other things.” He said as he took a step forward, “Our business is over a hundred years old and has not always been above board. Or even legal.”

I stepped back, holding up a hand, “Just stay there. Are you saying you’re like, what, the mafia but with a different kind of spice?”

“You’re not dumb River. You’ve seen my tattoos. You have several books on Irezumi. I've seen them.”

I sat on the bed and looked at him, “None of this is normal news to drop on someone. Hey, I found all your private information and tracked you across the country. Down to the hotel room. I feel like I should be scared of you.”

He stayed in the middle of the room, not approaching me again, “Are you? Scared of me?”

I stared at him. My brain was going to liquify and spill from my ears. How did I deal with this information? He was right. It was a breach of my privacy and trust. It didn’t matter if our communication had broken down, it didn’t give him the right. I should be angry and afraid. I was, but at the same time…

“You’ve never hurt me before. You’ve got that going for you.” The corner of his mouth upturned, and I shot him a dirty look, “But don’t think I’m going to let you off that easy. What the fuck man? Who does that?”

He shrugged, “Better to ask forgiveness.”

“Then what? Permission to stalk someone? I doubt anyone would give you that permission so, yeah, I guess you picked the easier option.”

“You’re right.” He said, holding his hands clasped in front of himself, “I seem to have interrupted anyway.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up! You don’t get to judge me or get an attitude when you showed up at a hotel halfway across the country and found me with another guy. Who do you think you are?” I was a few inches shy of hysterical at this point, but I didn’t know how to cope.

“Again, you’re right.” He said in that stupid controlled voice of his.

“Psycho. Sizing up Alec like you were going to hurt him.” I paused, “Oh god! Can you do that? Don’t hurt him, he’s my best friend!”

Realization dawned on his face and some of the tension bled from his shoulders, “Ah. Alec.”

“Yes, Alec.” I said, standing and fixing him with a glare, “I haven’t slept with anyone else since we started.”

He flinched ever so slightly, and pain spread through my chest, “I cannot say the same, however, I will admit I am relieved.”

“You’ve been with someone else?” There were more important things to worry about but that was what my brain settled on. How shitty it felt to hear.

“At the very start. When this way very new and I wasn’t positive it would be successful.” He admitted, meeting my eyes, “Not since I…”

“Since what? You figured out our sex was alright?” I snapped.

“No. Since I knew this had the potential to be something new entirely.”

I wrapped my arms around my waist, holding myself, “That a weird way of saying you caught feelings?”

“River, I’ve not kissed anyone since my early twenties. I’m 34.”

I looked up at him as he walked a little closer, “Why?”

“I don’t have a cool, mysterious answer. It’s because someone broke my heart and I never sought committed relationships afterward. For me the act of kissing became too intimate.”

“I kept kissing you. Even though it was a hard limit. I’m sorry.”

“You did, but I easily could have stopped you. I never had to reciprocate.” He sat on the bed next to me, staring off into space, “I find myself in…unfamiliar waters.”

“You still didn’t answer the question. Is all this just to say you feel something for me?”

His fingers ran through his hair roughly, digging through the gel and he grimaced before looking at me, “Yes.”

I blinked. I wasn’t expecting him to come out and say it. I figured this conversation would be long and difficult. It had been this way the whole time. Me pouring what ifs and fear into the equation when all I had to do was be honest with myself and then Kenji. He’d been asking for this discussion and I’d been running from it. The same issues I had been finding in Alec were the very same ones I exhibited. No wonder why we were friends. We were the same kind of mess.

“I have feelings for you too.” I said softly, turning more to him as I kept up the eye contact, “What does that mean for this?”

He followed my hand as I motioned between us and caught my fingers in his, “I suppose it means that the contract is obsolete, and we have to redefine what we’re doing.”

“Like dating?”

“Is that something you want?”” He asked, “I do have to remind you that a change in our relationship will not change how chaotic my schedule is. I have a lot of responsibilities and they won’t simply go away if we choose to pursue a different relationship.”

“Who said I would want you around all the time anyway? Even if I want to be with you.”

I jumped as Kenji laughed. An actual laugh. His face was still split in a real smile, and I was mesmerized, “True. I think constantly being together may result in a loss of sanity for one if not both of us.”

“Okay, so then…are we together? Officially?”

“Yes.”

“This still doesn’t excuse you tracking me down or the fact that you seem to be crime family adjacent.”

“Let me make it up to you then.”

My hand was still in his and he used it to pull me onto his lap. I draped my arms over his shoulders and looked down at him. It still caught me off guard when he tilted back and pressed his lips against mine. My eyes slid shut and I was a lost cause. My fingers dove into his hair, tugging at the once neat strands as the kiss deepened. The kisses continued as we progressed. I ended up under him, gripping his shoulders as we moved. My cheeks were flushed as I looked up into impossibly dark eyes and finally saw the emotion in them. I’d been avoiding it. As I looked now, it dawned on me that the way Kenji had looked at me changed a long time ago. I’d been denying myself what was right in front of me. It all seemed ridiculous now.

Afterwards, the look in his eyes changed again fractionally as he secured a soft collar around my neck. It made me feel weirdly safe. I snatched the key from him once he was done. Tearing a piece from the outfit I’d used for the first round of pictures I’d taken tonight; I constructed a makeshift bracelet. Seeing the key hang from his wrist filled me with warmth and made me feel safe. It was something I didn’t understand but discovered I needed.