Permanently Black and Blue - 21. Chapter 21

Jesse wasn’t surprised when Shaun and his grandparents came home around noon, Thursday. He’d been expecting it.

What he hadn’t been expecting, however, was for Shaun to leave again in just minutes, with black trash bags over his shoulder and that permanent scowl on his face.

“He’s moving out…” Jesse murmured to Sam and the baby. “That fucking bastard.”

“He’s probably staying with one of his bandmates,” Sam said in agreement. “I’m sure it’s easy, now that he doesn’t have to worry about you and Brian.”

Jesse felt his heart rip in two. “Probably.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam said gently, bouncing the fussy baby in his lap. “But can we go in now? I don’t think he’s coming back.”

Jesse nodded. He’d been sad for days, but now he just felt… empty and he wanted to lay down. Shaun didn’t want him anymore. He was making that absolutely clear.

Somehow, Sam ushered the children inside. Jesse wasn’t really paying attention. His vision was blurry, and he knew the second he was alone, he was going to start crying again. So, he helped Sam get the kids set up in the living room. He selected a kid’s program on the TV, got a couple bowls of snacks from the kitchen, then found Lissa a clean diaper.

Sam seemed to have a sense Jesse was breaking down and he offered to change the diaper himself. “I’ve got it,” he said. “Just go take care of yourself.”

Jesse smoothed a hand through his short hair. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’m going to call Kyle in a minute,” Sam said coolly. “We’ll handle the kids.”

Jesse stiffened. He still wasn’t sure about Kyle, but he’d been by a few times since the crash to help out. He’d been his normal curious self, asking a lot of nosy questions about Shaun and the status of their relationship, but Jesse had kept quiet. “Just… don’t get stoned in front of the kids,” he said. “And don’t let him bring any alcohol in here.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Sam snorted. “Now go take a break. You obviously need it.”

Like a ghost, Jesse drifted across the living room. He paused by the coffee table to give Brian a kiss on the forehead, but the toddler was busy watching the twins play Minecraft.

“Stop, you’re getting me wet,” he complained, pushing Jesse away, and Jesse realized he was already crying.

“Sorry,” he murmured, then quickly wiped his face and turned to run up the stairs.

The first night Jesse had returned from the hospital, he and Brian had shared in their sadness about Shaun. They’d stayed up late, crying and talking about him, but even Brian was starting to get sick of Jesse’s pity party. He didn’t understand why they’d broken up, and what it meant for them, and Jesse wasn’t sure he wanted to explain all the details. He just figured, from now on, he’d keep his confusing sorrow to himself.

Upstairs, Jesse climbed up to the top bunk. He rested his casted right arm on his belly and stretched out flat on his back. The tears resumed unchecked now that he was alone, and he let them come. He just… didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. He’d never been this destroyed by a breakup.

Hours slipped away while Jesse laid in bed, crying. He could hear the kids playing downstairs, and he tried to take comfort in the fact that they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Kyle arrived at some point, but Jesse wasn’t bothered by his presence. He just laid there, completely still, and let the emotions overtake him.

At some point, Jesse fell asleep. The tears dried on his cheeks and for a while, he was peaceful…

Bzzt, Bzzt, Bzzt

Jesse sat up right as his phone went off in his pocket. He never got calls anymore and he had a sneaking suspicion it was Gretchen. He ripped the device out of his pocket and answered.

“H-hello?”

“Hey Jess,” it was indeed Gretchen. “So, good news, Shaun’s getting settled into his new room. Are you coming to spend the weekend with us tomorrow?”

“Uh…” Gretchen didn’t know they’d broken up… what was he supposed to say?

“Shaun’s really out of it, so I doubt we’ll get any practice done,” Gretchen said. “But we’ll all be here hanging out anyway. You should definitely come.”

“Um, I’m not sure Shaun would appreciate that,” Jesse said slowly. “He’s still mad at me. He’s more than mad, actually.”

“What do you mean?” Gretchen laughed. “I just went up to check on his dumb ass and he was crying for you in his sleep. Again! I should get a video of it, for blackmailing purposes.”

“No. Definitely don’t do that,” Jesse said, though his little broken heart did a backflip of excitement. “Just… listen, Gretchen. He broke up with me yesterday. At the hospital.”

Gretchen was silent.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” Jesse started with a sigh. “But I outted him in front of some fans the other night, at that party. “

“You did?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t help myself. That girl, the one with the huge tits, was all over him and I just lost my mind,” Jesse said, tracing the rough surface of his cast. “I said the wrong thing, and everybody just knew Shaun and I were dating.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ, Jesse. I told you to keep it under wraps for now.”

“I know you did,” Jesse moaned. “I didn’t mean to ruin everything. It was an honest mistake.”

“And Shaun’s just done with you?” Gretchen asked. “Just like that?”

“Yep. He doesn’t want to forgive me. He just wants me gone.”

“Then why didn’t he say anything?”

“Probably because he doesn’t want another lecture,” Jesse smiled a little. “His grandma read him the riot act the day I was there. I’m sure he got more today when he told them he was moving out.”

Gretchen audibly rolled her eyes. “I’m sure.”

“Please, just take care of him for me,” Jesse said, a tear slipping down his cheek as he did. “He never takes care if himself, so…”

“He’s already overdosing on his prescription meds,” Gretchen drawled. “It’s like he has a death wish or something.”

More tears slid down Jesse’s cheeks. “That night, when we left the party, I knew he was going to do something crazy. I was actually surprised when I woke up in the hospital the next day. I thought for sure we’d die out there on the road.”

“He must have some fucked up guardian angel watching over him.”

“Yeah,” Jesse laughed through his tears. “Maybe.”

“I’m going to talk to him,” Gretchen said darkly. “Now.”

“No. Please don’t wake him up,” Jesse begged. “He needs his rest.”

“He’s slept eight hours already,” Gretchen sneered. “I think that’s enough for one day.”

Jesse sighed.

“And just so you know, I’ve been messaging some of our worried fans over Facebook,” Gretchen said. “No one is talking about any gay shit. They’re all just wondering if Shaun’s still alive.”

“Then maybe I didn’t ruin everything after all,” Jesse said hopefully. “Maybe it’s okay.”

“Probably is,” Gretchen grumbled. “Shaun’s overreacting, like usual. And your suffering because of it.”

“No, Gretch. I’m okay,” Jesse lied.

“I can hear you crying from here,” Gretchen pointed out. “You don’t even sound okay.”

Jesse wiped his face and took a deep breath. “I’m fine. Seriously.”

“Fucking men…” Gretchen cursed. “Fucking stupid men.”

Jesse knew Gretchen was going through her own guy problems, too. He’d been pro Gretchen and Ben since he’d met Angela, but it seemed fate was against them. Angela had taken Ben back, and now she had an even tighter hold of his leash. Gretchen was trying to pretend it didn’t bother her, but Jesse knew it did. She wouldn’t say it but Jesse had a feeling she was falling for the guy.

“Keep your head up, kid,” Gretchen said. “I’ll be in touch, but I can’t make you any promises.”

“Yeah. I know that.”

“We’ll talk later,” Gretchen said, then she hung up.

Jesse pulled the phone away from his ear. The screen was wet from his tears and he wiped it lazily against his t-shirt.

“So, you and Shaun broke up again?”

Jesse looked up wildly. Kyle stood in the doorway, a grin stretched across his handsome, blond face. Jesse wiped his eyes and quickly looked away. “Yes, alright. You don’t have to look so damned happy about it though.”

“I’m not happy,” Kyle said, but he continued to grin. “I’m just glad someone else knows what I’m talking about for a change.”

“What do you mean?”

“Shaun’s impossible to conquer,” Kyle said as he stepped further into the room. “It doesn’t matter how much you want him. You grab on and cling as hard as you can, but he just slips through your fingers like sand.”

Jesse set his phone in his lap. He glared down at the empty screen. “I fucked up again. I told people our secret.”

“It sounds like it was an accident.”

“It was,” Jesse said. “But it doesn’t matter. Shaun’s convinced I’ll ruin his image. He doesn’t want me around anymore.”

“You know what you need right about now?” Kyle asked, then without even asking, he climbed up to the top bunk and sat at Jesse’s feet. “I’ve got the perfect remedy for you.”

Jesse glared at him, but then the tears started dripping down his cheeks again and he hid his face in embarrassment. “What do I need?” he asked into his hands. “I can’t do anything but cry. I’m just a pathetic, teary-eyed mess!”

“You, my friend, need a rebound.”

Jesse dropped his hands and laughed in the other boy’s face. “If this were any other break up, I might agree with you. But I don’t think anything or anyone is going to make me feel better.”

“How do you know?” Kyle asked, smirking. “You haven’t even tried yet.”

“Listen, Kyle,” Jesse sighed heavily. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

Kyle held up his hands. “I wasn’t talking about me. I had someone completely different in mind.”

Jesse gave him a curious look. “Who then?”

“A guy I know. In Houston,” Kyle said easily. “And you’re in luck. He’s having a party this weekend. It’ll be the perfect opportunity for you to let loose and enjoy yourself again.”

“I thought you were the party guy,” Jesse drawled.

“I am,” Kyle said pleasantly. “I know where all the hottest events are. And I’m inviting you to this one because, according to Sam, you’re in desperate need of dick.”

Jesse glared at him.

“Don’t make that face, baby,” Kyle said. “Practice smiling for me. You’re going to be doing a lot of it this weekend.”

“I doubt it.”

Kyle leaned closer and cupped Jesse’s cheek. “Well, I know better. Trust me. Alright?”

But Jesse didn’t trust Kyle. He was a snake. He was an opportunist, and Jesse knew in his heart that he shouldn’t trust him again. But Jesse was weak and vulnerable right now and when Kyle leaned in and kissed him softly on the forehead, Jesse felt himself giving in…

“What sort of party is this?”

“It’s a surprise,” Kyle said excitedly. “Just make sure the kids have a babysitter tomorrow night, and you, me and Sam can go enjoy a whole weekend in the city.”

Jesse nodded slowly. “I’ll talk to my mom in the morning.”

Kyle beamed at him. “Great. I’ll pick you guys up at 10.”

Sam appeared in the doorway, one of the twins on either side of him. He smiled a little when he saw Jesse and Kyle sitting together in the bed. “Is he coming to the party?”

“I think he is,” Kyle said happily.

“Cool. Maybe this will cheer him up a bit,” Sam said. “We need the old Jesse back. Not this boring, depressed impostor.”

“Thanks a lot,” Jesse huffed.

“Did the brats wake you up?” Sam asked, gesturing to the sour-faced twins below him. “They were having a screaming match downstairs.”

“Uh, no?”

“Well, they were being super loud. My ears are still ringing, actually.”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Jesse said sheepishly.

Sam shrugged. “It’s bath time anyway, then straight to bed,” he said firmly, giving the two siblings a look. “I don’t know how you can do this, day in and day out.”

“I don’t know how much longer I can do it either, to be honest,” Jesse said sadly. “I’m really thinking about dropping out and getting a full time job. I just can’t stay here anymore.”

Sam looked up from the twins, frowning. “But what about us?”

Jesse shrugged. “I was going to take Brian, of course…”

“But not me.”

Jesse sighed. “Come on, Sam. I haven’t decided on anything just yet.”

“Sounds like you have,” Sam sniffed, then he grabbed the twins by their collars. “Come on. Into the bath.”

Jesse watched his brother disappear, the twins in tow. He felt really bad for him, and he wished he’d just kept his mouth shut.

“You know, I could give you a job,” Kyle said into the awkward silence. “If you sold for me, I bet you’d make way more money than at some fast food joint.”

“No thanks,” Jesse said immediately. “I’ll figure this out on my own.”

Kyle nodded. “Sorry. I just had to ask.”

Jesse shrugged uncomfortably.

It was getting close to bedtime, and after they’d ironed out their plans for tomorrow, Kyle gracefully excused himself. Jesse grudgingly got out of bed and tended to Brian and Lissa while Sam took the twins.

It was 11 by the time Sam and Jesse got back to their room. Sam put on the TV and got comfortable on the lower bunk. He still seemed upset, but he didn’t say anything about it.

Jesse didn’t know what to say anyway, so the silence was a relief. He’d never even thought about taking Sam with him before. It had never come up. But now he felt like a total asshole. He knew Sam was suffering, a lot like he was, and to ignore that seemed criminal.

Jesse curled into a little ball and forced his eyes to close. He cried a little, but he did it quietly, so as not to disturb his little brother. He laid there, crying and listening to the TV for a long, long time…

The next morning, Jesse dragged himself out of bed and went down to talk to Monica.

She was in the kitchen, cereal in front of her and her phone pressed to her ear. “Come on, it’ll be fun. A whole weekend to ourselves… Yes, I know Jesse has a broken arm. He can still babysit. And besides, he has Sam to help him.”

She was on the phone with Cliff again, making spur of the moment plans. Cliff was a nice guy. It sounded like he was trying to turn her down, but Monica, as always, knew what she wanted and was doing a great job convincing him. Jesse sighed heavily.

Monica looked up and spotted him in the doorway. “Hold on a minute,” she said. “Jesse just woke up. I’ll ask him now.” She took the phone from her ear and smiled sweetly. “Honey? How are you feeling?”

Monica was the only one who didn’t know about Jesse and Shaun. Not that it mattered. She’d been pressuring him into babysitting since the day he’d come home, scuffed up and broken from the car crash. She didn’t care about his feelings.

“Like shit,” Jesse said, gesturing to his arm. “It’s itching like crazy.”

“That means its healing,” Monica said brightly. “You’ll be right as rain again in no time.”

“I already know what you’re going to ask, and the answer is no,” Jesse said, frowning. “Sorry to ruin your plans, but Sam and I are going out this weekend. We both need a break.”

“You’re going out?” Monica’s expression soured. “You went out last weekend and look what happened.”

“Well, we aren’t going with Shaun,” Jesse said, then turned to the fridge and moodily got out the milk for his own breakfast. “Kyle’s taking us to a party.”

“Fine. Whatever.” Monica waved him off and went back to her phone call. “No. He can’t watch the kids after all. I guess I’d better call the daycare.”

Angry, Jesse got down a bowl and a box of cereal. He hated when Brian had to do overnight daycare. Brian hated it, too, and Jesse stomach clenched up with anxiety as he forced himself to pour a bowl of cereal.

“What do you mean? The kids aren’t afraid of daycare, they go all the time,” Monica laughed into her phone. “No, they love it there….”

Jesse glared at his cereal. Monica was such a fucking liar.

“What?” Monica’s eyes got big. “You want to wait till next weekend? But… why?”

Jesse strained to hear Cliff’s reply, but it was useless. His voice was way too low and calm. Jesse finished with his bowl of cereal and turned to carry it out to the living room.

“Well fuck you then!” Monica yanked the phone away from her ear and mashed the end button. She dropped it like it was on fire, then dragged her cereal closer and stuffed a spoonful in her mouth. Jesse paused and stared at her in confusion.

“What just happened?”

Monica flicked her red hair out of her face. “Cliff just turned me down! He told me I needed to watch the kids myself. Like I don’t do enough of that already!”

Jesse pressed his lips together to hide his smile. He and Sam had been holding down the fort all summer long. Maybe Monica did the grocery shopping and took care of bills, but that’s about all she did. She hadn’t spent a night alone with the babies in weeks.

“The kids are perfectly happy to go to the daycare. I don’t understand what he was talking about,” Monica grumbled.

“Brian was really upset the last time you left him there,” Jesse said. “He cried in my bed for hours.”

Monica ignored him and stuffed another spoonful of cereal into her mouth. “I can’t believe he just said that to me…”

Jesse left the kitchen with a grin. It seemed Monica wasn’t going out after all! Serves her right.

In the next room, Jesse found Brian and the twins vegging out in front of the TV. He took a seat in the arm chair across from the couch, and happily started with his cereal.

Sam came down an hour later, whistling tunelessly. He snagged the remote off the coffee table, threw himself casually on the couch between the twins, and changed the channel.

“Hey!” Tyler yelled. “We were watching that!”

“Not anymore,” Sam sang. “Go find one of the tablets. I’m not watching cartoons all day.”

Tyler huffed and got up to find a free device. Allison trailed after him momentarily, but Brian kept his seat on the far end of the couch.

“So, guess what?” Jesse said.

Sam looked up boredly. “What?”

“Mom was trying to go out tonight, but I stopped her right in her tracks.”

Sam snorted. “How?”

“I couldn’t hear Cliff’s end of the conversation, but it sounded like he was already hesitant to leave the kids behind. Mom was trying to convince him anyway, saying ‘Oh, Jesse doesn’t mind babysitting. He can do it without his right arm. It’s not like it makes any difference.’”

Sam rolled his eyes.

“Well, when she got off the phone and asked me if we’d watch the kids tonight, I told her we had plans with Kyle.”

“So… overnight daycare?”

“Nope.” Jesse grinned. “Cliff told her to stay home and watch the kids herself. He feels bad for us.”

Sam laughed loudly, then covered his mouth and looked warily into the next room. Monica was still in there… “How did she take it?”

“She’s pouting at the table,” Jesse said, smirking. “I took my bowl in thirty minutes ago and she was just sitting there, glaring at her phone. She’s probably texting him death threats by this point.”

“Probably. Mom hates when she gets turned down.”

“I know.”

“So, mommy’s staying home tonight?” Brian asked in a little voice.

“She won’t be in a good mood, but yes,” Jesse said. “You’re not going to daycare at least.”

Brian smiled hugely.

“Guess I’d better text Kyle the news,” Sam said, and he pulled his phone out of his PJ pocket. “This is going to be awesome.”

Jesse wasn’t sure how awesome this was going to be, but at least he’d have his brother beside him. Maybe it wouldn’t be a total waste of time… Either way, he was looking forward to getting out of the house and he felt his mood lift a few increments. “Hey, Brian?” he called to the toddler. “We aren’t leaving until it gets dark. Do you want to build Lego City for awhile?”

Brian bounced off the couch, a grin on his little face. “Yeah! I’ll get the blocks out!”

Jesse smiled after the little boy. It had been too long since they’d bonded over something silly and childish. He felt better about himself almost immediately.

Monica left for work not long after and Jesse and Sam did what they always did. They watched the kids.

The day passed slowly, and Jesse found himself checking the clock over and over. 10 o’clock seemed like it was eons away, but slowly, the hour hand inched its way up and up, getting ever closer to the correct time. Jesse was more excited than he realized. Maybe he did need some dick.

Around 9, Sam took the twins and their Nintendos to their room while Jesse took Brian and Lissa to the nursery. They both did a halfhearted bedtime ritual, but neither boy was expecting them to go to sleep. Brian even said, he was waiting for a kiss from mommy.

“I love you,” Jesse said to the little boy. “Try to get some sleep. Sam and I have to get ready to go.”

“Are you seeing Shaun tonight?” Brian asked, his blue eyes sparkling with intelligence. “Maybe he’s not mad at you anymore.”

“No. He’s still mad at me.” Jesse shook his head. “I’m going out to see a new guy tonight. Someone different.”

“But… I thought you loved Shaun.”

“I do, but…” Jesse closed his eyes as unpleasant emotions washed over his body. “I’m tired of crying over him,” he said firmly. “I need to meet some new people and forget about him for awhile.”

Brian chewed his bottom lip. “Oh. Okay.”

“Sleep tight, buddy.” Jesse planted a kiss on Brian’s head and backed away from the little bed. “I’ll be back. Probably Sunday.”

“Bye Jesse.”

“Bye Brian.”

Jesse slipped out of the room and shut the door behind him. His heart hurt, terribly.

Sam stepped out of the twins room seconds later, a mischievous grin on his face. He had his phone clutched in his right hand and he glanced at it as he shut the door behind him. “Kyle’s already here. He wants to pregame.”

“I’m not getting in Kyle’s car until mom shows up,” Jesse said firmly. “And you shouldn’t either.”

Sam stepped around Jesse and started for the stairs. “We’ll be waiting in the driveway. See you soon.”

Jesse glared after the boy. So, it was going to be like that, was it? Jesse was still the lame big brother…great.

Now alone, Jesse ducked into his bedroom and checked the time on the cable box. It was 9:15. Plenty of time for a shower.

Jesse got naked in the bathroom. He had to put a bag around his cast, and he checked his reflection as he pulled it on.

Other than the broken arm and a few scratches and bruises along his torso, Jesse had escaped the crash in remarkably good shape. His body, small and compact, looked the same as always, and he took comfort in that. Inside, his heart was a wreck. His mind… well, it wasn’t doing much better, but nobody could tell from a glancing look.

Shaun had taken the majority of the damage. Jesse had seen some of it when he’d been in the ICU. He hoped Shaun was taking care of himself, but he knew that he probably wasn’t. Healing just wasn’t Shaun’s thing.

Feeling gloomy, Jesse jumped in the shower. He turned the knobs until the water was blistering hot, then he stood under the spray for a few minutes, wondering what Shaun was doing right at that moment…

In his head, he saw Shaun laid up in Gretchen’s attic, peeling his bandages off one by one. He was in a lot of pain, but apparently, that turned him on, and now that he was alone, he tore into his wounds like a sick animal. He stuck his fingers directly into the incision on his thigh and grunted as blood trickled out. He agitated the cut, going deeper and deeper as blood got all over himself, the bed, some even leaking down to the floor. Shaun made horrible noises of pleasure, mixed with pain, but still, his cock begged for attention and when he was drenched in his own red, sticky life juice, he grabbed the beautiful, hard length with his bloody fist…

Jesse imagined Shaun masturbating in a pool of his own blood. It was a vivid picture and he started to cry right there in the shower stall.

“Stop!” Jesse yelled at himself. “Just stop it already!” With an enormous amount of determination, he grabbed the soap and quickly washed his hair and his body. The shower took care of the worthless tears on his face, but it did nothing for the lingering images of Shaun and the blood.

Jesse got out of the shower, dried himself, then spent a minute brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. He had a desperate urge to go to Shaun, but he knew he couldn’t. Shaun wouldn’t take him back, no matter how much he cried and begged. It was pointless, even to try.

Jesse rinsed his mouth then stood up straight and met his own vulnerable blue eyes in the mirror. This was the third time Shaun had broken his heart and unfortunately, he knew from experience that Shaun wouldn’t respond to anything Jesse threw his way. Except…

Jesse set his toothbrush back behind the sink, then slid back out to the hall. Shaun had really hated it when Jesse had teamed up with Kyle. He’d been insanely jealous. Maybe Kyle was right. Maybe a rebound was exactly what Jesse needed right now. If Shaun saw he’d moved on, maybe he’d second guess the breakup.

In his room, Jesse carefully selected his clothes. He found jeans that were tight in the butt, because he knew his ass was his best asset, then he put on one of Sam’s t-shirts, pleased with how small it was. If he raised his arms, his belly was fully exposed.

Jesse smiled. There. He looked like a slut. He was going to get this guy tonight, no matter what happened, because he had to make Shaun jealous. Their future together depended on it.

Jesse was styling his short hair in the mirror when he heard Monica come in the front door. He finished up, smiled wryly at his reflection, then hurried out of the room.

“You look nice,” Monica said vaguely, then she fell back on the couch with a sigh. “I wish I was going out, too.”

“The kids aren’t asleep yet,” Jesse reminded her. “Brian wants a story and a kiss.”

Monica rolled her eyes. “Of course, he does.”

“Try to be nice, okay?” Jesse said as he edged toward the door. “It’s not their fault you’re stuck here tonight.”

“Then who’s fault is it?” Monica grumbled.

Jesse had a reply on the tip of his tongue, but he bit it back. Monica was here to watch the kids. There was no use antagonizing her further. “See you Sunday.”

“Yeah. See you.”

Jesse left the house. It was pitch black out, but Kyle’s headlights at the end of the driveway lit the way. He walked up to the old car and hopped in the back.

“Finally. Can we leave now?” Sam asked from the front. He and Kyle were passing a blunt and the car was filled with smoke. “That seemed way longer than an hour.”

“Yeah, we can go,” Jesse said, then reached over the seat and plucked the blunt from his brother’s fingers. “My turn.”

Kyle smiled at him in the rear view mirror. “I’ve got everything set up. I told my friend about you and he’s dying to meet up.”

Jesse took a long hit off the blunt. “Good.”

Kyle, still smiling, shifted the car into reverse and backed down the drive. “This guy, Paul’s his name, he’s got a place in the warehouse district. He has the whole top floor of this building we’re going to and it’s huge.”

“Cool,” Jesse said.

“What about his dick though?” Sam cut in. “According to you and Jesse, Shaun’s a monster down there.”

Kyle snorted. “Yeah, but Paul’s black. He’s definitely on the larger side.”

Jesse blushed horribly. “That’s not all I care about, you know.”

“Well, it should be, if you’re on the rebound,” Sam said. “You’re supposed to get fucked so good, you never want to go back.”

“What do you know about rebounds?” Jesse huffed, embarrassed.

Sam shrugged. “What? Is it rocket science? You get good dick, and you forget about Shaun. Simple as that.”

Jesse sat back in his seat and puffed on the blunt. “I had a different plan, actually… but I don’t know if I should tell either of you about it.”

Kyle glanced at him over his shoulder, his eyebrow raised. “Tell us, Jesse. I promise, we won’t bite.”

Jesse released his smoke in a huge lungful of air. “I want to use this guy to make Shaun jealous. I thought that maybe…well, I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not. You want to show Shaun what he’s missing,” Kyle said slowly. “Shit. That’s even better than a rebound. Why didn’t I think of that.”

“What if I can win him back, you know?” Jesse said, looking out the window at the tall, swaying corn stalks along the road. “He needs me. He’s hurting right now, but he won’t let me in to help.”

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Sam grumbled, then he stuck a hand over his shoulder and demanded the roach back. “Stop hogging the weed. That’s for everybody to share.”

Jesse handed it over sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“You should be,” Sam muttered, then stuck the blunt between his lips. “And I’m serious. The way Shaun treats you is fucked up. I don’t know why you’re making plans to get him back. It’s beyond crazy.”

“If you knew him like we do,” Kyle said softly. “You’d understand.”

Sam groaned. “Gross.”

Kyle laughed deep in his throat. “Hey. Jesse. There’s a bottle of vodka under the blankets back there. I was waiting until we got on the road before we opened it up.”

Jesse wasn’t in the mood for straight vodka. He hated the taste in general, but he decided to hell with it. He was getting drunk, meeting up with this random guy, Paul, then he was going to make Shaun wish he’d never broken up with him. He found Kyle’s bottle under the blankets and uncapped it. With nerves of steel, he tossed the bottle back and took a long, long drink.

Kyle started clapping. “That’s the spirit, Jesse!”

“Give me some!” Sam cried. “Jesus, you drank half of it in one go!”

Grinning, Jesse handed the bottle over to Sam. “Holy shit, my throat’s on fire.”

“Vodka does that,” Kyle laughed. “Just wait until it kicks in.”

Jesse settled back in his seat and tried to enjoy the barrage of weed and alcohol. He couldn’t stop thinking about Shaun, though, and the feeling only grew stronger the closer they got to Houston. Within thirty minutes, they entered the city and the landscape abruptly changed from corn stalks to skyscrapers. Jesse looked from building to building as an odd sense of anxiety settled in. He’d been here just last week. With Shaun. And the memory of their horrible accident tinged the fun he’d been having with Kyle and Sam. He felt his mood plummet. Dramatically.

“I really hope this works,” he said as Kyle took the off ramp and coasted onto the city streets. “I want Shaun back. More than anything.”

“He’s embarrassed of you,” Sam bit out. “He doesn’t want anything ruining his pristine reputation. Especially you.”

“He should really get over it,” Kyle said. “He can still be a death metal god and a fag. It could totally work.”

“I think it could,” Jesse said. “I mean, Shaun can do anything he wants. That’s just how he is.”

“He’s a freak,” Sam muttered, then washed it down with another gulp of vodka. They’d nearly finished the entire bottle.

“He’s definitely unusual,” Kyle said with a smile. “That’s the god honest truth.”

Jesse looked at the back of Kyle’s head as they stopped in traffic. Sam was still muttering nasty things under his breath, but he and Kyle were ignoring him.

“I’ve been dying to ask you…” Jesse started hesitantly, and Kyle glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “You said you stripped Shaun naked. When he was drunk?”

Sam snorted with amusement. “Oh god, this story.”

Jesse raised his eyebrows. “You even told Sam about it?”

Kyle shrugged. “I was in love with him, Jesse. People do strange things when they’re in love…”

“Blegh,” Sam groaned.

“I love Shaun too, but I’ve never done anything like that before,” Jesse said slowly. “I’m just wondering… do you do stuff like that often? Break people’s trust?”

“Not at all,” Kyle laughed musically, then the light changed, and he powered through the intersection. “Shaun’s one in a million. I knew that, even back in middle school. I just wanted a taste.”

Jesse sighed. “He is special. I’ll agree with you on that.”

“Do you forgive me, then?” Kyle asked, meeting his gaze in the mirror. “I never should have told you about that. I was just bragging.”

“I guess,” Jesse said uncomfortably. “As long as you never do anything like that to me.”

“No, Jesse,” Kyle purred. “I’m trying to help you, not strip you naked and take advantage of you.”

Sam rubbed a hand over his face, laughing. “Well, that was a weird conversation.”

Jesse started up again. The alcohol bolstered his courage. “You’ve never done anything like that to my brother, right?” he asked, ignoring Sam when he howled in protest. “Because he’s had a lot of weird bruises on him these past few weeks. I’ve been wondering…”

“Well, weird time to bring it up!” Sam shouted. “We’re just minutes away from this party!”

“It’s the perfect time,” Jesse said firmly. “I’m trying to make sure we’re in safe hands.”

“Sam’s been doing a lot of experimenting in the past few months,” Kyle said evasively. “And I’ve been right there beside him, keeping him safe.”

“That doesn’t answer the question. Have you been messing with Sam?”

“No!” Sam bellowed. “I already told you! I got laid like three times this summer. With girls!”

“That’s probably where the bruises came from, Jesse,” Kyle said. “That’s the answer to your question.”

Jesse scooted back to his seat and tried to relax. “Okay then. Just making sure.”

They drove in silence for a few more minutes. The questions had obviously unsettled everyone, but Jesse didn’t care. He was drunk, uncomfortable, and missing Shaun intensely. He figured everyone else could share in his misery.

“This is it,” Kyle said suddenly, then he pulled off the street and parked along the curb. He pointed up through the windshield. “That’s the party place. You guys ready?”

“I am,” Sam said, then he grabbed the door latch and pushed it open. “Come on, faggots. It’s close to midnight.”

Kyle finished the vodka, then threw it into the back. “Let’s get this started!”

Frowning, Jesse tossed the blankets over the empty bottle. He joined the other two on the curb, and the three of them walked a few doors down, then entered a tall, shabby building on the corner. It was empty.

“The party’s upstairs,” Kyle said, then strode across the cramped entry and hit the button on the elevator. They waited a few beats, then the doors opened.

Jesse had no idea what he was about to get into. As the car slowly ascended, he started to regret his decision to tag along. This was weird.

The doors opened to a dark, narrow hallway. Kyle stepped out confidently and strolled to the end, Sam and Jesse trailing after. There was a black painted door and Kyle knocked on it three times.

A girl Jesse’s and Kyle’s age answered the door. She was small, slim, and Hispanic. She said nothing, just stepped aside and ushered the boys inside.

The room they entered was a large, open space. There wasn’t much to it. Just a long couch positioned in front of a TV, some boxes scattered randomly about, and a huge bong set on a folding table with some matching metal chairs. Besides the Hispanic girl, the room was totally devoid of people.

“Where’s the party?” Jesse asked. “What the hell is this?”

“Relax,” Sam said, and already, he was gravitating toward the bong. “Kyle doesn’t do big parties. This is an ‘invitation only’ kind of thing.”

Jesse crossed his arms. He felt very uncomfortable.

The Hispanic girl walked past them and approached the table with the bong. She took a seat on one of the metal chairs surrounding it and touched a phone lying on the surface. Music started to play.

As if on cue, a large black man entered the room from another door. Jesse got a good look at him as he walked closer. Paul’s head was shaved, but he had rough stubble along his strong jaw. He was older, maybe in his late 20s, with a powerful chest and arms. He was intimidating, kind of like Shaun, but it was just… different.

“What’s up, bro,” Paul said to Kyle, then the two of them exchanged a complicated handshake.

“Not much. Just trying to entertain my buddies here.” Kyle gestured to Sam and Jesse.

Paul nodded. He glanced at Sam, halfway to the bong, then his gaze slid back to Jesse. His voice was deep and rumbling when he spoke. “You’re the one Kyle was recommending.”

Jesse fidgeted with his cast. He felt bad even thinking it, but this guy was even more intimidating than Shaun was. “Uh, I guess.”

Paul looked Jesse up and down, slowly, then he licked his lips. “I think we’ll get along nicely.”

“Oh. Great.” Jesse forced himself to smile. He was so damned nervous right now!

“I need to talk to my boy for a second,” Kyle said suddenly, squeezing Jesse’s shoulder. “Hey, why don’t you guys get set up at the table?”

Paul, his eyes lingering on Jesse, stepped away to join the Hispanic girl at the table. Sam finally gave in and sat next to the girl. He started to introduce himself and the girl listened politely. Sam was totally in his element.

“Come on, Jess.” Kyle drew him across the room. “Follow me.”

They entered another room, the bathroom this time, and it was incredibly plain. Just a shower, a sink, and a toilet in the corner. No other personal touches. Not a single soap or bottle of shampoo in sight.

“What is this place?” Jesse asked immediately. “Nobody lives here.”

“There’s a mattress in the other room,” Kyle said helpfully.

Jesse glared at him.

“Okay, Paul doesn’t actually live here,” Kyle admitted. “He’s in a transition period, too, like I am. This is all just temporary.”

“Oh, fuck.” Jesse’s face paled. “He’s in with your brother, isn’t he? He’s a drug dealer.”

Kyle shrugged. “I shouldn’t say too much.”

“Then why did you bring me here?”

“To get you laid.” Kyle waggled his eyebrows. “Come on, baby. You’re obviously nervous. Let me give you something to help.” He dug in his back pocket and pulled out a tiny ziplock bag filled with blue pills. He took one out and handed it to Jesse. “Take one. You’ll feel much better.”

“What is this?” Jesse studied the tiny pill with suspicion. He remembered Shaun telling him about a bad acid trip, and he wasn’t about to do the same thing.

“It’s ecstasy,” Kyle said. “You’ll feel a lot more relaxed once you take it. Trust me.”

Jesse worried his lip. He’d wanted to do this, but now that it was actually time, he felt like he was going to choke. Paul was reasonably attractive, but Jesse wasn’t into him. Not like he was with Shaun. This just felt…sad.

“I don’t know, Kyle. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Take it,” Kyle said adamantly. “Then, in an hour, if you’re still feeling weird, we’ll go.”

Jesse took a deep breath. He’d come this far, maybe he could go just a little further… He turned to the sink, started the water, then used his hand to get a mouthful. He knocked the pill back and swallowed everything with an audible gulp.

“There you go.” Kyle patted him on the back. “I promise, you’ll feel a lot better in a few minutes.”

Jesse shook his head disgustedly. “I can’t believe I’m taking random drugs in a bathroom right now.”

Kyle laughed. “Well, let’s get out of the bathroom, shall we?”

Jesse nodded and led the way back to the ‘party’.

When they returned, Sam, Paul, and the Hispanic girl were starting up the bong. Jesse took a seat, between Paul and Sam, then realized there weren’t any more chairs.

Kyle handled it perfectly. He grabbed one of the boxes scattered about and pushed it between Sam and Jesse. He sat primly, just below Jesse’s right elbow. “So, have you guys seen any movies lately? I just saw this new one last night…”

Kyle continued to talk about random movies as they took turns at the bong. Sam joined in the conversation enthusiastically. It seemed he’d been watching a lot of movies this summer and he had a lot to say. The Hispanic girl never spoke, but she laughed when Kyle and Sam did. She seemed friendly enough, but possibly, she didn’t know English. Paul occasionally hummed with interest, but he didn’t say much either. He kept looking at Jesse and licking his wide, thick lips. It made Jesse uncomfortable, and he tried to avoid the man’s eyes.

Maybe thirty minutes passed, and Jesse started to feel… different. Everything just had this… sheen to it. The floors, the walls, the few bits of furniture. Everything was so shiny and clean. Jesse sat back in his metal chair and traced the rough surface of his cast. That was glimmering, too, and Jesse was fascinated by it. The conversation drifted away as he studied the many childish drawings on his broken right arm.

At some point, Kyle elbowed him. A knowing little smile taunting his lips. “How do you feel?”

“I feel good,” Jesse said, and he meant it. He was perfectly content sitting here, staring at nothing.

Kyle grinned. “How about I load up one of those movies I was talking about?”

Jesse shrugged, but Sam perked up with interest.

“Yeah! Put something on.”

Kyle got up and went to mess with the TV. It took a few minutes, but whatever he did, he was successful, and opening credits for a movie panned across the screen.

“I’m moving to the couch,” Sam said, then he got up unsteadily, paused, and boldly reached for the Hispanic girl’s hand. She smiled warmly and took it without question. The two of them migrated to the couch.

“I need a smoke first,” Paul said, and Jesse looked up, realizing he was alone at the table with the strange man. Paul was staring at him, but it didn’t scare Jesse this time. “Want to come with?”

“I guess.”

“Come on.” Paul got up and started for the big window behind the TV. He opened it and stepped onto the fire escape just below. Jesse followed him curiously.

The fire escape was rickety, but the view was amazing. The city stretched out as far as the eye could see. There were millions of lights. They were everywhere. “Wow,” Jesse murmured. “It’s pretty out here.”

“This is my favorite spot,” Paul said with a nod, then he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and offered one to Jesse. “I’m out here all the time.”

Jesse gingerly took the cigarette. “Thanks.” Paul flashed his lighter and lit Jesse up, then he did himself next. They stood in silence for a few moments, just looking out at the city.

“Kyle says you just broke up with your boyfriend,” Paul said abruptly.

“Yeah.” Jesse leaned against the railing and watched the smoke curl from his burning cigarette. It reminded him strongly of Shaun. “I’m trying to get him back though. He needs me.”

“If he needs you so bad, then why did he leave you?” Paul asked.

Jesse took another draw on his cigarette and let it escape his lips in a long, thin trail. “Because he’s a self-destructive fuck. He’s always doing shit like this.”

“Maybe I’m overstepping, but it sounds like you deserve better.”

Jesse shrugged.

“Kyle also said you needed dick tonight,” Paul said, and Jesse looked up in surprise. “Was he right about that too?”

Jesse hesitated. “I thought maybe it was a good idea…”

“And now?”

“Now, I’m just standing here, thinking about Shaun,” Jesse said honestly. “I’m worried about that dumbass.”

“Maybe you should worry about yourself, first.”

Jesse sighed. “Maybe.”

“I can give you good dick,” Paul said casually. “Maybe once you’ve tried it, you won’t be so worried about your Shaun.”

Jesse highly doubted it, but he said nothing. He didn’t want to be rude…

They finished their cigarettes, then Paul helped Jesse back through the window. Jesse moved out of the way as Paul climbed in after him. He stepped around the TV, then froze.

Sam and the Hispanic girl were locked in an intimate embrace on the couch. Sam was kissing the girl enthusiastically, using a lot of tongue. It was disgusting.

“What the hell, Sam?” Jesse said loudly, but neither Sam nor the girl stopped to reply.

“Oh, just let them enjoy themselves,” Kyle said, and Jesse’s gaze snapped to the blond. Kyle was back at the table, smoking the bong. He had a perfect view of the couch, and it looked like he was settling in for a show.

Jesse glared at him. “They could at least find a room or something.”

Sam pulled his mouth away from the girl’s with a smack. He was grinning, and it was super obvious he was aroused. “Jesse’s right. Where’s the bed at?”

Kyle pointed to a door across the room. “Through there.”

Sam took the girl’s hand and tugged her off the couch. Laughing, the two of them hurried to the far door and disappeared inside.

Jesse sat heavily on the edge of the couch. “How the hell did that just happen? They weren’t making out when I left.”

“Sam put the moves on her,” Kyle snorted. “It was funny. You should have seen it.”

Jesse gazed sightlessly at the TV. He should have known. Kyle had obviously set this night up to please everybody and sex was on the agenda.

Paul sat beside Jesse. He had another cigarette between his fingers, but when Jesse looked closely, he realized it was a tightly packed joint.

Jesse shook his head. “I’m already high.”

“This isn’t what we were just smoking,” Paul said. “There’s something extra in here. Just for you.”

Jesse sighed dramatically. “More mystery drugs? Great.”

Paul ignored him and lit the end of the joint. “Smoke it down, sweetheart, then I’ll give you the dick.”

Jesse considered his options. He could make a big fuss and force Kyle to take him home, or he could smoke this joint and get laid. Neither option was appealing. All he wanted was to crawl in bed with Shaun and take care of him…

“Remember what you said in the car, Jesse,” Kyle spoke up, and Jesse glanced at him over his shoulder. “You want to do this.”

Jesse tried to study Kyle’s handsome, grinning face, but everything was blurry around the edges. For once, though, it wasn’t tears obscuring his vision, it was drugs.

No more crying, Jesse thought to himself, then he took the joint from Paul. The tears weren’t working anyway. He wasn’t getting anywhere with his sadness. He needed to up the ante. He needed to do something different.

While Jesse smoked his joint, Paul stoically watched TV. He was silent again and Jesse slowly relaxed into the couch. Kyle was quiet, too. It was easy to forget he was even in the room, and Jesse did forget.

When he was halfway through the joint, Paul leaned over and gently took it from his fingers. He smashed it out on the concrete floor, then left it for later.

Jesse looked up into the man’s eyes. They were dark like Shaun’s, but they lacked his raw emotions. He started to feel uncomfortable again.

“Lay back,” Paul said, and Jesse just did it. This is what he was here for. There was no use resisting. Paul climbed on top of him and leaned in even further. He was so close, Jesse could taste his cologne. “Close your eyes,” Paul said, and Jesse did that, too. He knew this was wrong. Everything about this felt bad, but he just didn’t care what happened to him anymore.

Paul kissed Jesse firmly. His lips were soft and sensuous, but they weren’t Shaun’s. There was no passion. No electric spark of pleasure. It was just a wet, meaningless press of flesh on flesh. Paul kept doing it though. He didn’t hold back. He plunged his tongue into Jesse’s mouth and explored freely.

Jesse kept his eyes shut through the whole thing. He was incredibly wasted, and time slipped away from him. He didn’t know how long Paul had been kissing his unresponsive mouth, but it felt like it’d been hours.

Suddenly, Paul sat back. “This isn’t working…”

Jesse peeled his eyes open and saw that Paul was hard. There was an obvious tent in his jeans. Numb, he looked down his own body and discovered he was totally flaccid. “Oh… sorry.”

Paul ignored him. He unzipped his fly and pushed his jeans down to his knees. His cock was exposed, and it was large and scary looking. “Come here.”

Jesse sat up partway and stared down at Paul’s strange cock. It looked nothing like Shaun’s. He didn’t even know where to start.

Paul did, though. He grabbed the back of Jesse’s head and drew him closer. “Suck it.”

Jesse opened his mouth and took the thick member onto his tongue. Obligingly, he closed his lips and bobbed his head a little, but he wasn’t into it. He had no feelings for this strange man, and all he could think about was how dry his mouth felt and how unaroused he was.

Paul let Jesse mouth his cock for a few moments, then he grunted with frustration. “Have you ever sucked a dick before? Shit.”

Jesse flushed with embarrassment. This was fucking humiliating. He knew how to suck Shaun’s cock, but this was a whole new experience, and he was hating every second of it. Still, he continued. If he could just make Paul come, then it would be over.

“Just…here,” Paul grunted. He grabbed a handful of Jesse’s red hair and braced himself. “Let me do it.”

Thick, strange cock invaded the back of Jesse’s throat. He groaned in protest, but Paul was rushing to finish. He fucked Jesse’s face over and over.

“I’m gonna come,” he muttered and just like that, he blasted Jesse’s mouth with his seed.

Jesse gagged. He didn’t want to swallow. If he did, he thought for sure he’d be sick. He rolled out from under Paul and scrambled to the window.

“Well, that sucked,” Paul said as Jesse spat his mouthful on the fire escape. “And not in a good way.”

“It looked pretty good from here,” Kyle chuckled, and Jesse realized he’d just put on a show. Oh god. How was he ever going to live this down…

Jesse dragged himself back through the window. There was no way he was sitting with Paul again, so he moved back to the table and took his original seat next to Kyle.

Kyle stared at him unwaveringly. His steel gray eyes were piercing. Finally, Jesse turned and met his gaze.

“What?”

Kyle smiled and it was very annoying. “Nothing.”

Jesse huffed and turned away.

“You guys should probably leave,” Paul drawled from the couch. “I’m going to sleep soon.”

“Let me go check on my boy,” Kyle said, then he got up and walked across the room. He knocked sharply on the door Sam had disappeared into. “Done yet?”

There was a muffled reply. It took a minute, but Sam appeared in the doorway with his shirt on inside-out. He was still grinning, and Jesse figured he’d actually enjoyed himself. That little shit.

“We’ve gotta go. Come on.” Kyle took Sam’s arm and pulled him to the exit. “Coming Jess?”

Jesse got up and hurried after the other two. He didn’t look back at Paul. He just wanted to leave.

“So, how’d it go?” Sam asked once they’d reached the elevator. “Did you get good dick?”

Jesse leaned heavily against the wall. “Not really.”

Sam wiggled his little finger. “Was he tiny?”

Jesse shrugged.

“What the hell does that mean?” Kyle laughed. “He looked huge from where I was sitting!”

“Are you serious?” Jesse glared at him. “I hated every second of it! All I could think about was Shaun and how much better he was…”

Kyle pressed his lips together. He had no reply. Beside him, Sam looked remorseful.

Jesse dropped his head against the wall. “This rebound thing was a bad idea. I don’t even know what I was thinking…”

“You wanted to make Shaun jealous,” Kyle said slowly. “Remember?”

“Yeah… I guess.”

“Well, just keep at it,” Kyle said. “Tonight didn’t work out, but maybe next time—”

“There’s no way I’m doing that again,” Jesse hissed as the doors on the elevator opened at last. He pushed past the other two and got inside the car. He fell back against the grimy wall and wearily closed his eyes. “I just want to go home.”

“Jesse, no.” Kyle joined him in the elevator and put an arm around his shoulders. “The weekend’s just beginning. I’ve got so much planned for tomorrow.”

“More rebounds?” Jesse sneered.

“No… it’s a surprise, actually.”

“I so don’t need another surprise right now.”

“You’ll like this one. I promise,” Kyle said. “Really. Scout’s honor.”

Jesse groaned unhappily.

Sam snorted with amusement as he punched the button for the lobby. The doors shut, and slowly, they descended. “Come on, Jess. Maybe the sex sucked, but you’ve gotta admit, this is better than being at home. Stuck with the kids.”

Jesse didn’t agree. He’d rather be snuggled in his bunk with Brian.

“There won’t be anymore sex stuff this weekend,” Kyle said. “We’re not going to another party or seeing any more men. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jesse moaned.

“We’ll get some rest in the car, then, tomorrow…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jesse muttered. “Surprise number two. Can’t wait.”

Kyle beamed at him. “I can’t wait to see your face when we get there. Maybe I’ll finally get a smile out of you.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

The elevator reached the bottom floor and the three of them exited into the lobby. Jesse was not looking forward to sleeping in Kyle’s car, but he’d done it before with Shaun and he figured the memory might lull him into unconsciousness…

With a deep sigh of unhappiness, he followed Kyle and Sam out of the building.

***

Bzzt, Bzzt, Bzzt

Jesse sat up groggily. His head hurt terribly, and he felt sick to his stomach.

Bzzt, Bzzt, Bzzt

“What the hell’s that sound?” Sam grumbled from the front seat. He’d slept sideways, his head against the window, and he, too, looked uncomfortable and hungover.

“Sounds like a phone,” Kyle said with his eyes still shut. He was upright behind the wheel, arms crossed across his chest. He’d managed not to ruin his hair, and somehow, he still looked rather pristine.

Jesse glared at him as his phone started to go off again.

Bzzt, Bzz—

“Jesse! Answer it already!” Sam shouted.

Jesse fumbled around in the backseat. His phone had fallen out of his pocket and was wedged against the door. It stopped ringing before he had a chance to answer it. Dutifully, he checked the screen. One missed call. From Gretchen. Jesse immediately hit the redial button.

“Was it your mom?” Kyle asked.

“No. It’s Shaun’s drummer.”

Kyle peeled his eyes open and watched Jesse in the rearview mirror. Uncomfortable, Jesse turned away as the call connected.

“Jeez, you’re up late,” Gretchen drawled. “I thought you got up at the crack of dawn like I do.”

“What time is it?” Jesse whined. “Fuck…my head’s pounding.”

“Aww, did you get drunk last night?” Gretchen snorted. “It’s past noon, dipshit.”

“I got more than drunk,” Jesse said. “There were a lot of drugs involved, too.”

There was an uncomfortable pause. Then, “What did you do, Jesse?”

Jesse sighed. He might as well be honest. “I went out last night, got wasted, and sucked strange dick.

Gretchen burst into laughter. “You didn’t!”

“I did,” Jesse said, frowning. “And nothing I said was funny. Why are you laughing.”

“Because I can’t believe you!” Gretchen cried. “I’m over here, trying to convince Shaun to make things right, and you’re out there fucking random dicks!”

“I didn’t say ‘fucking’,” Jesse corrected. “I said ‘sucking’.”

“Like that makes a difference.”

“It was horrible, Gretch,” Jesse moaned. “It was supposed to be a rebound, but all it did was make me want Shaun back even more.”

“Well, you have a funny way of showing it.”

Jesse pouted.

“We got drunk last night, too,” Gretchen said. “I had to take Shaun’s meds away from him first, so he wouldn’t puke his guts out but it worked. He was relaxed and talkative, for Shaun anyway, and I figured it was a good time to talk about you.”

Jesse sniffed. “Me?”

“I told you I was going to talk to him, didn’t I?” Gretchen said. “Well, he was instantly pissed off. He was cursing you up and down, calling you ‘dead weight’ and shit. It was fucked up.”

Jesse worried his lip. “That…doesn’t sound good.”

“No,” Gretchen said. “We argued for close to an hour. Drinking through the whole thing, of course. I was about ready to call it quits and go to bed, when out of nowhere, Shaun starts weeping. And I mean, tears were just pouring down his face. Snot was leaking out of his nose. It was a fucking mess.”

“What was he crying about?”

“You dummy! Keep up with the conversation, m’kay.”

Jesse smiled faintly. “Does…does he want me back?”

“Yes and no,” Gretchen said cryptically. “He’s still concerned about being outted, but he misses you.”

“Gretchen…” Jesse started. “What should I do? How can I get him back?”

“Stop fucking random dicks, for one.”

“Ha, ha,” Jesse laughed humorlessly. “Yeah. I learned my lesson last night.”

“I don’t really know what to tell you, Jess,” Gretchen said with a sigh. “You’re just going to have to wait. Have some patience.”

Jesse nodded. “I can wait.”

“Can you really?”

“I can,” Jesse said determinedly. “I was just following a friend’s advice. He’s the one who set me up with that guy last night.”

“Sounds like a real good friend.”

Jesse shrugged. “He’s alright. It’s not like I have anybody else to hang out with.”

“Well, whatever you do, just keep it in your pants from now on,” Gretchen said firmly. “I get that you want to make Shaun jealous, but that could go really badly for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Who knows what he’s capable of,” Gretchen said. “He’s obviously not done with you and if he finds out some guy has been stealing what’s his, he’ll go apeshit.”

Jesse nervously licked his lips. “Right.”

“I’ll call you if anything more happens.”

“Thanks, Gretchen.”

“Mmhmm.”

The call disconnected and Jesse turned back to the front of the car.

Kyle and Sam were staring at him.

Jesse felt his face get hot. “What?”

“We’re both just wondering what was said,” Kyle said. “We could only hear half the conversation.”

Jesse scratched a hand through his hair. “Shaun broke down last night. Over me, I guess.”

“Figures.” Sam rolled his eyes. “The two of you must have been on the same wavelength last night.”

Jesse couldn’t help himself, he smiled. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“See, everything’s going to work out,” Kyle said cheerfully. “You didn’t even have to make him jealous. He’s pining for you, all on his own.”

“Please don’t set me up with anymore guys, Kyle,” Jesse said. “Last night was a huge mistake.”

“Nobody forced you, you know,” Kyle said. “You could have refused.”

“Yeah right,” Jesse huffed. “That Paul guy was going to get some, no matter what I said or did. He didn’t care about me at all.”

“Well, I picked him for a reason,” Kyle said coolly. “I knew you’d get laid. There wasn’t even a question in my mind.”

Jesse frowned.

Kyle was totally unruffled. He started the car. “Now, how about we pop down to the pharmacy and get something for your hangovers. Then breakfast.”

“I think you mean lunch,” Sam said, checking the time on the dash. “Breakfast is over.”

“Shoot,” Kyle cursed. “I wanted to get the McGriddle…”

As they pulled away from the curb and merged into afternoon traffic, Jesse looked back at the shabby building on the corner. He hoped he’d never have to see this place again…

Kyle got them Aspirin at the store, then found the nearest McDonalds. They went inside, used the facilities, then ordered to go. When they got back to the car with their food, Kyle broke out a new blunt.

“The next part of the adventure will be a lot more fun if we get smashed first.”

Jesse eyed him suspiciously but accepted the blunt when it was passed. “What do you have planned now?”

Kyle winked at him. “You’ll see. Now smoke up.”

Jesse took a generous drag. He was really starting to hate surprises.

Kyle ate while he drove. It was kind of funny actually. He was so incredibly neat. Sam, in comparison, slopped ketchup on his shirt almost immediately, then threw a mini-fit over the mess. Jesse was amused and he laughed heartily. It felt good to enjoy in something so simple…

They’d been driving for almost an hour when Jesse caught flashes of water off in the distance. They got closer and closer, until they were right on the shore.

“What are we doing here?” he asked curiously. “Hopefully, this isn’t a trip to another warehouse.”

Kyle laughed. “See that Ferris wheel up there?”

Jesse had to slide to the middle seat to see properly. “Yeah?”

“We’re going to the boardwalk!”

“Oh cool!” Sam said. “I hope they have roller coasters.”

“A few.”

Jesse fell back into his seat, relieved. He’d been nervous about Kyle’s next surprise since last night, but an amusement park? That seemed like nice, clean fun.

By two, they pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. Kyle paid for everyone’s tickets. He seemed to have unlimited money and it didn’t phase him at all.

“What do we want to try first?” he asked as they entered the park. It was Saturday and the place was packed with families. Little kids were all over the place.

“Let’s do the Tilt-O-Whirl,” Sam said, nodding at the crazy, spinning ride to their right. Jesse felt dizzy already, but he smiled and followed the other two to the back of the line.

The next few hours flew by. The three of them tried every ride available, one after the other, then looped their way back to their favorites. In between the rides, they paused to play some of the games along the boardwalk. Kyle had a really good aim and he won Jesse a giant, rainbow narwhal. Jesse absolutely loved it.

It was starting to get dark when they went on the roller coaster for the last time. They’d had ice cream maybe an hour ago, and apparently, Sam had chosen the wrong flavor. The second they jumped off the ride, Sam ran for the nearest trash can, and threw everything up violently.

“I was thinking we should stop for dinner, anyway,” Kyle said, watching the younger teen paint the trash can with his guts. “I guess that was a go-around too many.”

“Yeah. Maybe we should wait on the food,” Jesse said, hugging his narwhal tight. “He’ll be out of it for at least another hour.”

Kyle casually flicked his blond hair from his eyes and nodded. He leaned against the fence and waited patiently for Sam to finish.

After a day of rides and sun, Kyle still looked really put-together, and Jesse was oddly proud of him. He’d done something right for once. The surprise trip to the beach had been a pleasant one, and Jesse was really happy with him.

After Sam was finished, Kyle got them big lemonades and they found a bench to sit at. Jesse was in the middle, and he swung his legs below him as he looked out at the water. The setting sun was beautiful over the waves, and content, Jesse hugged his stuffed animal, sipped his lemonade and enjoyed the view.

Suddenly, Sam set his drink on the ground. “I’ve got to run to the bathroom,” he said, getting up clumsily. “Be right back.”

Jesse and Kyle watched him go. He staggered through the crowd, then disappeared into one of the little restrooms.

“I’m the one who gets dizzy really easily,” Jesse said into the silence. “But Sam’s usually the one who tosses his cookies. We’re a really fun combo.”

Kyle snorted with amusement. “I never would have guessed.”

“I would have warned you,” Jesse said, smirking. “But this was a total surprise.”

“I figured you could use a little mindless fun after last night,” Kyle said with a shrug.

“Yeah.” Jesse bit his lip. “That was a huge mistake.”

Kyle looked at him fully. “You poor thing. Are you going to recover?”

Jesse frowned and hugged his narwhal. “Of course I am. I’m not going to let some random guy destroy me.”

Kyle looked pointedly at Jesse’s broken arm. “But you’ll let Shaun destroy you?”

Jesse scowled. “Shaun’s not some random guy. That’s the difference.”

“I know he’s not,” Kyle said. “But don’t let him rip you to pieces. Nobody deserves that kind of power over you.”

Jesse buried his face in the soft, plush toy. “Shaun finally admitted he wanted to cut me up. It’s official. He’s got a blood fetish.”

Kyle blinked rapidly. “When did he say all that?”

“Right before that last show,” Jesse said, gazing sightlessly out at the water. “I was really upset when he told me. I initially thought I should try to find him a therapist.”

“But now?”

“Now?” Jesse licked his bottom lip. “I’m wondering if Shaun’ll take me back if I let him cut me open.”

“Wow.” Kyle pushed a hand through his hair. “Those are some pretty heavy thoughts.”

Jesse squeezed his toy. “Yeah. I know.”

Kyle took an uneasy sip of his lemonade.

“Don’t make that face,” Jesse said to him. “You’re the one who told me I was too vanilla.”

Kyle snorted. “I guess I did.”

“Well, any advice?”

Kyle shrugged. “I wouldn’t let anyone cut my skin.”

“Not even Shaun?”

Kyle shook his hair out of his face. “Not even him.”

They fell quiet as Sam reappeared on the path again. Jesse tried not to, but he couldn’t keep the smug look off his face. The idea to let Shaun hurt him instead had just come to him and it seemed ingenious. He could really set himself apart from all the competition if he did.

As the night progressed, thoughts of knives and blood paraded through Jesse’s mind, but it was fine, because they were playing on the arcade machines now. Kyle had bought them a bunch of tokens on the way in and Sam was challenging them to the most violent games available.

Eventually, Sam called it quits and they found a place to eat on the boardwalk. When they finished, they rode the Farris Wheel one last time then packed it in for the night.

Jesse had enjoyed himself. He left the park with a huge smile on his face, the rainbow narwhal tucked securely under his arm.

“You guys want to come back to my place?” Kyle was saying as they approached his car. “Nobody will be there. It’ll just be us and my brother’s bong.”

“Sounds good, man,” Sam said, then turned to Jesse. “You coming too?”

Jesse hesitated. He knew he should probably go home for the kids, but smoking at Kyle’s sounded so much better. “Alright,” he said. “But we’ve got to leave early in the morning.”

“Sure, whatever.” Sam jogged the rest of the way to the car, then jimmied the latch. “Come on. Let’s go already.”

Kyle and Jesse reached the car at the same time and everybody got in. Jesse put the narwhal behind his head and got settled in for a long ride. Maybe he’d even catch some zzz’s…

***

Sunday morning, Jesse awoke with another pounding headache.

Last night was a blur…

He remembered smoking weed in the dirty living room with Kyle and Sam, then at some point, Kyle had brought out some alcohol, too. That’s when Jesse’s memories took a dive off a cliff. He didn’t remember anything after the drinks.

He sat up wearily, clutching his throbbing head as he did, and took a look around. He was in Kyle’s bedroom, sprawled out on the bed, alone. The cute, rainbow narwhal from the amusement park laid next to him and he reached out to drag it closer. That’s when he noticed his jeans were undone.

Jesse clutched the stuffed toy closer and frowned. He didn’t remember crawling into Kyle’s bed last night and he definitely didn’t remember trying to take off his pants. Trying to keep calm, he slid to the end of the bed and sat up to secure his fly. When he stood up though, he winced and doubled over in pain.

“Ooooh fuck!” he grabbed the bed post in a death grip as sharp pains lanced through his lower abdomen. Curiously, they were originating from his butt.

Narwhal stuffed under his arm, Jesse shuffled across the room as the worst and most destructive idea came to mind. Kyle had raped him last night and left him to sleep it off. It was the only thing that made sense.

Wincing, he stopped at the door. He could hear conversation floating from the living room and he decided to investigate. Silent as a mouse, he shuffled down the hall and peeked into the room.

Kyle and Sam sat together on the couch, chatting amicably in low tones. Both of them in various stages of undress. Kyle was missing his t-shirt and Sam’s pants were totally off. He sat comfortably in his boxers and there were more weird bruises along his inner thigh.

Jesse scowled at the pair, upset with all the wild implications that ran through his mind. He didn’t know why he kept falling for Kyle’s fucked up psychological games. It seemed they’d been taken advantage of again! He stepped into the middle of the room and all conversation died. He realized he was still holding his narwhal when he tried to plant his hands on his hips and he tossed it with a huff. “What is going on here?”

Kyle raised a brow in question. “Everything alright?”

“No. Everything is not alright,” Jesse frowned at him. “What happened to me last night? Why is my ass so sore?”

Sam snorted with amusement. It didn’t end there though. He covered his face and started to laugh hysterically.

Jesse glared at the younger boy. “What the hell is so funny?”

“Kyle said you looked uncomfortable sleeping in the chair last night,” Sam wheezed. “So we carried you to the bed.”

Well, that solved the mystery of the bed, but… “What does that have to do with my butt?” Jesse asked intently, but Sam was laughing too hard to answer at this point. Frustrated, his gaze switched back to Kyle. “It feels like—”

“Like somebody dropped you on your tailbone?” Kyle finished with a smile. “Because we did, unfortunately. You’re not as light as I imagined you’d be.”

Jesse met Kyle’s unwavering stare for a long minute. He didn’t believe him, and he wanted to press the issue, but another part of him, a big vulnerable part, wanted to just drop it.

“But why were my jeans undone?” Jesse asked the last question he had. He gestured to Sam, too, and that finally got the younger boy to shut up. “And what are those marks on his thighs? Why is everyone naked?”

“Oh, these?” Sam nodded to his legs. “I’m pretty sure Maria gave these to me the other night. I didn’t notice them til this morning though.”

Jesse blinked in confusion. “Maria?”

“The girl from Friday,” Sam said, gazing fondly at his bruises. “I was just admiring them.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. He could definitely believe that.

“And about your jeans,” Sam continued. “Maybe you went to the bathroom in the night and forgot?”

Jesse was doubting himself more and more. He chewed his lip. “Maybe.”

“See, Jesse, everything is fine,” Kyle spoke up, and Jesse turned back to glare at him. “I know you don’t trust me, but I did everything I said I was going to, and I kept you safe. That has to count for something.”

Slowly, Jesse nodded.

“Now, I’m half naked because I was about to get a shower.” Kyle bounced off the couch and came a bit closer. “I just wanted to make sure my young guest was comfortable first.”

“That’s good of you.” Jesse nervously licked his lips. “But we should probably go. If you’re getting in the shower.”

“Aww, don’t go. I was going to make us breakfast once I finished.” Smiling, Kyle gently touched Jesse’s arm, the broken one, and trailed a finger along it. “You might want to wait around.”

Jesse didn’t have much of a choice. He’d been planning on calling Monica, but she probably wouldn’t be interested in packing all the kids in the van and driving across town to get them. Kyle was their only option, really. He sighed in resignation. “I guess…”

Still smiling, Kyle leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then he smoothly picked up the stuffed animal from the floor. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. Relax, baby.” Calmly, he pressed the narwhal to Jesse’s chest. “Nothing bad is going to happen to you here.”

Jesse hugged the narwhal as Kyle disappeared into the bathroom at the end of the hall. The sound of the shower starting followed seconds after, and in his absence, Jesse took a seat on the couch next to his brother. His butt was still incredibly sore, and the whole thing made him feel violated, no matter what everybody else said.

“You need to stop thinking of Kyle as a rapist,” Sam said suddenly. He grabbed his jeans off the back of the couch and pulled them on roughly. “I know that’s what you were angling for.”

Jesse glared at him. “If you felt what I was feeling right now, you’d be questioning what happened last night, too.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Embarrassed, Jesse hugged his toy. He buried his face in the rainbow fur and tried not to think anymore.

While they waited for Kyle’s return, the brothers didn’t speak at all and an awkward silence fell over the room. Luckily, Kyle got out of the shower in just minutes. He spent a few more getting dressed, then he came out to make eggs and cinnamon buns in the kitchen. He was full of chatter and he made up for the uncomfortable lack of conversation.

When everything was done, they ate in the living room. Kyle talked, Sam listened, and Jesse hung onto his stuffed narwhal. The eggs were good, but the cinnamon buns were even better. This whole scene felt like an incredibly anticlimactic end to the weekend, and Jesse just couldn’t stop his feeling of discomfort.

It was close to eleven by the time they’d finished, and Kyle was grabbing the keys. He’d stacked the dirty plates in the sink and seemed unconcerned about them. Jesse was glad because he just wanted to get home.

They left the house and piled into Kyle’s car. Sam was up front, and Jesse got settled in the back.

Relieved, Jesse hugged his narwhal to his chest. He’d never wanted to get home as badly as he did now. He just had a bad feeling about this place…

“One last joint before you go?” Kyle wagged his eyebrows as he produced a neatly rolled blunt from his shirt pocket.

Jesse sighed, but Sam cheered and reached for the drugs. There was no arguing with him. He lit up and started to enjoy immediately. He passed it to Kyle, then, after a minute of puffing, Kyle passed it to Jesse.

Jesse reluctantly took a hit. He was sick of feeling dizzy. He wanted to get a hot shower and then curl up in his nice, clean bed.

Kyle watched him in the rear view mirror. When Jesse exhaled his first hit, he started the car and backed down the drive. “I’m sure you know about it already, but Shaun’s new band, Defaced, has an awesome website.”

Jesse saw the social media stuff in the back of his mind. He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve seen it.”

“Well, we need to keep an eye on their upcoming events,” Kyle said as they reversed in the street. “I’m sure Shaun’s accident isn’t going to keep him down for long. He’ll be up and playing again before we know it.”

Jesse rubbed his chin as he took another drag off the blunt. “That would be amazing to see him onstage again…”

“Exactly.” Kyle’s eyes glittered in the rear view mirror. “I was thinking we should sneak in and surprise him.”

“Kyle. No. He wouldn’t like that,” Jesse said firmly. “We’d ruin his show.”

“How else are you supposed to get his attention?” Kyle asked. “I know you’re going to go home and start plotting how you’ll get your next chance to see him. Well, this is the chance.”

Jesse shrugged. “Yeah, but I’ll have to wait weeks.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

Jesse took one last quick hit, then passed the blunt back to his brother. “I might.”

“You’d better do it fast,” Kyle said. “Before some other bitch gets in your place.”

Sam snorted around his smoke. “I can just imagine them lining up now. All of Shaun’s gross fangirls.”

Jesse smacked him on the back of the head. “No grosser than yours.”

“Ow!” Sam yelped. “That actually hurt!”

Jesse, unrepentant, stuck out his tongue.

Kyle smiled at the bickering siblings. “You’d be surprised, Sam. Shaun’s new band is really drawing a crowd.”

“I’ve got to see this shit,” Sam said, rubbing his head. “I don’t believe it.”

“We might get the chance, soon enough,” Kyle said, then smiled wryly. “If Jesse gives us permission, that is.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Like that would ever stop you…”

Kyle chuckled.

They reached the house in the next couple of minutes and pulled into the driveway behind Monica’s van. It was a normal Sunday morning. Everything was calm and quiet.

Jesse chanced a look across the yard at Shaun’s old house. It, too, was quiet and reserved. He wished his boyfriend was waiting for him inside, but he knew he wasn’t. The realization was very disheartening.

“Thanks for everything,” Sam said to Kyle. They shared a brief hug, then Sam pulled away and climbed out the front.

“Yeah. Thanks for all that,” Jesse said awkwardly. He gestured to the narwhal in his lap and smiled a little. “It was fun. For the most part.”

“It was fun to get out,” Kyle said. “We’ll have to do it again next week.”

Jesse nodded half-heartedly. “Maybe.”

Kyle met Jesse’s blue eyes over the seat and they were serious. “If you need any advice about Shaun or just want to talk in general, get my number from your brother,” he said. “You can text and call whenever you need to. It’s not a problem at all.”

“Okay.” Jesse slid to the door and pushed it open. “I’ll probably see you around, anyway.”

“Probably.”

Jesse got out of the car and followed his brother to the house. Behind them, Kyle’s car rolled out to the driveway and disappeared down the road.

Sam reached the door first and tried to handle. “It’s locked.”

Jesse nodded around back, and the brothers circled around the house to try the sliding glass.

Luckily, that was open, at least. They entered through the kitchen and Jesse immediately took in the silence.

“Where is everybody?” Sam asked, looking around at the clean kitchen.

Jesse stepped ahead of him and peeked into the next room. The TV was off and nobody was on the couch. This seemed very wrong. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe they’re still all sleeping,” Sam said slowly.

Jesse scoffed as he strode into the living room. “It’s almost noon, dumbass. Everyone should be up by now.” He tossed his stuffed animal on the couch, then ran for the stairs.

The nursery was empty and so were the twins room. Jesse didn’t even bother to check his room. He knew it was empty, as well. Already starting to get angry, he stared down the hall for the master. That was the only room he hadn’t tried.

Monica was sprawled across her bed in a cute jean skirt. Her hair was down and it cascaded messily across her face. Jesse could tell she’d probably looked pretty hot last night, and he crossed his arms with a scowl.

“Mom.”

“Wha?” Monica slurred into her pillow. Her eyes didn’t open and she seemed determined to sleep through the conversation. Jesse tried again.

“Mom!”

Monica grunted.

Jesse took a step closer, his hands balled into fists. “Where did you go last night?” he asked, his voice trembling with rage. “And where are the kids right now? What the hell happened while we were gone?”

Monica flung her hair out of her face and glared at Jesse. “They’re at daycare. Where else would they be?”

Jesse glared right back at her. “Isn’t that expensive? How can you keep affording it? Did you go out with Cliff after all?”

“No,” Monica snapped. “But he paid for it, in a sense. I still had money left over from the last time he wrote me a check.”

As Jesse continued to glare at his mother, Sam came up behind him and paused to listen. The two judgmental stares were obviously too much, for Monica promptly complained.

“Don’t give me those faces,” she grumbled, looking away. “I’m an adult. I can do what I want without your permission.”

Jesse tried to wipe the nasty expression from his face. “Where did you go last night, then?” he asked, and behind him, Sam nodded, too. “What sort of adulting did you do?”

“If you must know, I met up with a new guy last night,” Monica said, then she smiled brilliantly. “We had a great time. He was so much better than Cliff.”

Jesse stiffened. Monica and Cliff had apparently broken up. That was never a good sign. “Where does this new guy live?”

“Arizona,” Monica said dreamily. “We met half way. I just got back a couple hours ago.”

Jesse wanted to groan, but he stopped himself. He already knew how this would play out. Monica would get sick of running into Cliff at every opportunity, so she’d fall for this new guy, then move the family to be a closer to him. It had happened before…

“Now, I’ve answered your questions. Leave me alone,” Monica said, flopping back into the bed. “I don’t have to get the kids until 5, so I don’t want to be disturbed until then.”

“Fuck that,” Jesse snapped. “Where are the keys? I’ll get them myself.”

Monica glared at him, but then she reached into her purse next to bed and pulled them out. She tossed them smoothly into Jesse’s left hand.

“Go back to sleep, mom,” Jesse sneered, then he turned and pushed Sam out of the room. “I’ll make sure nobody ‘disturbs’ you.”

“Perfect,” Monica said, then Jesse shut the door behind him and the rest of her reply was cut off.

“I can’t believe her,” Sam whispered the moment they were alone. “What a slut.”

“I know, but let’s not worry about that right now,” Jesse said. “I’m more worried about the kids.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah.”

“Come on.” Jesse jangled the keys. “We’ve got to get them out of daycare.”

As they hurried outside to get in the van, the vague plan Jesse had been dreaming up to get Shaun back drifted away. He had to take care of the kids, his kid, now. That was the most important thing at the moment.

With the horrors of the weekend already fading, Jesse jumped into parent mode and started up the van. He had to save poor Brian.