IceBerg - 22. Chapter 22

The little barks echoed through the house; there was a rushed patting of small paws along the kitchen floor.

I smiled, bending down to stroke the pup. But I was shocked to see he was much bigger.

‘Hey buddy,’ I rubbed his head. ‘Glad you remember me.’

‘You’ve not been gone that long, you know,’ my dad scoffed, standing up from the table, closing his laptop lid down. ‘Dogs have decent memories.’

I carried on stroking John’s head before a cheeky smirk arrived on my face, ‘So, you’ve been reading up, huh?’

‘Researching, yes. Damn thing started peeing everywhere, I had to see why.’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes. It’s been sorted now.’

‘You are much bigger, aren’t ya,’ I cooed at John. He shook his head, his tongue wagging before trotting towards Dad. He wiggled a little before jumping up at the seat next to dad. He put his paws up on the table, panting away, looking at dad, with big brown eyes.

I saw Dad frowning, ‘Dumb dog. I told you not to do that.’ He put John back on the floor.

‘Did you any more support with the laptop?’ I sit down.

‘No, I got it all, don’t worry.’

I paused, looking down the hallway at the front door.

Mum would say, stay, your dad wants you to stay he just won’t say out loud. She would say we are just as bad as each other. Then she’d tell me to sit and she’d made us lunch.

I got up and went towards the coffee pot, ‘Want one? I might make some food later too.’

‘Wouldn’t you rather spend your day off another way?’

I shrugged, ‘I can get in late tonight, it seems a nice way to spend the day for me, being here.’

                                                                 *** 

The wipers flashed back and forth against the heavy patter of rain, window misting.

I turned up the heater, it gave a harsh blast out, hissing onto the window. I clicked my tongue as I drove through this storm and I reached over and turned up the radio up from the sounds of the wipers going.

Wait.

Charlie?

I flashed my lights ahead of me. Charlie was standing at a bus stop, arms crossed, head down, looking sideways out, bag pack on.

What was he doing getting a bus? Thought he could afford more luxuries now.

I gave the horn a little beep toot out. He jumped a little, his eyes squinting at my headlights. I indicated and pulled over to him. Opening the window, I watched his startled face melt with a comforted smile.

I tilted my head at him, ‘Mr. Big Shot left his limo behind?’

He rolled his eyes, still smiling, and ran to the car and let himself in next to me. I indicated to pull away while he fastened his seatbelt.

Could almost feel the cold coming off him, the smell of damp on his skin. He rubbed his hands together, putting his backpack between his legs.

‘It’s been a mess of day, just one big pile of mess and I had to take the bus, then I missed the bus, then the rain.’

‘Big shot superstar, quit complaining,’ I wiggled my eyebrows. ‘I’m just teasing. Sucks to hear you’ve had such a bad day.’

‘Yeah, it’s not been great,’ he mumbled.

I frowned, shooting him a quick worried look. He turned his head away, looking out the window.

I knew I promised Alex. But there was something not right here.

I tapped my fingers on the wheel before saying, ‘Beers and hang, tonight?’

‘It’s fine, man,’ he kept looking out the window. ‘I told you before I prefer hanging alone. Probably should cut the beers, they aren’t good for you.’

I didn’t want to leave him alone. Something had happened.

‘Why don’t we see if Lars and the guys are wanting to go out, maybe we could hang with them?’

I could feel a him giving me a hard look.

I faltered, ‘I um, I mean, you could hang with them.’

The radio, even faint, was still singing out into the silence. The window wipers started to squeak, scraping along the window as the rain started to die down.

We were nearly at his place now.

I looked over at him again. I reached out and put my hand his on his arm. He flinched hard. I felt like he just slapped me. Sliding my hand away, I let it rest on my lap.

‘Thank you for the lift,’ he murmured.

‘Charlie, please let me just hang with you. Just for an hour? I just got back from my dad’s. I would like a break from the car.’

Parking up, I put the hand break on.

He fumbled with his bag. He sighed and whipped his seatbelt off, ‘Fine. An hour. I have two beers in the fridge.’

‘More than enough for me, then,’ I grinned at him.

He paused, for a moment, with a bewildered smirk, before his eyes darkened down.

I didn’t like this at all.

‘You’re breaking promises,’ hissed Jake. ‘You need to go to Alex first. Like a weak bitch.’

I would have normally just given into Jake. But I hadn’t been there for Oli’s birthday and now something had happened with Charlie. I needed to be a good friend.

‘You’re never good, stupid,’ hissed Jake.

***

‘So, he definitely liked the present?’

‘Yeah,’ I cleared my throat. ‘You did some good jokes on here, maybe you could hint that you are wanting to do a tour.’

‘When would I fit that in with the show and our show? Oh, wait,’ he pointed at the T.V. We were watching an old run of his comedy show. ‘They invited the influencer, Dala on, as you know, she is so stupid, I have no clue how they edited this.’

‘That’s mean.’

He rolled his eyes at me, ‘You saw what I saw, right.’

‘You would work with her again, right?’

‘She was easy,’ he shrugged, taking a swing again. He took a look at my face, ‘Not in that way, ha!’

I grinned back, watching the T.V.

I hadn’t asked him what was wrong. But he seemed much better, I would leave soon, nothing funny would happen. I just couldn’t leave him on his own.

The show’s audience gave out belly laughter as Charlie and another comedian grilled each other, both standing out their booths trying to do handstands. I remembered watching this in the studio sniggering into my hands, trying hard not to laugh out loud.

‘He didn’t like the present, did he?’

I looked over before staring back at the screen, ‘He thought it was interesting. But he didn’t hate it.’

‘But he didn’t like it.’

‘Well, I like it,’ I tried to catch his eye and smile. ‘Anyway. How are you doing, you had a crap day, huh?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, his voice short. He took a long drink of his beer.

I tapped my own bottle, before picking at the corner of the beer label.

‘We start back on Monday, editing the next season,’ I said. ‘I got paid the other day, with this job and our show, I have all this money and I have no idea what to do with it.’

He gave a coy grin, and murmured, ‘I know a few people who would spend it on big limos.’

I laughed out loud, nudging his shoulder, ‘I am thinking of moving out of my apartment. Get somewhere bigger. You know, where I don’t have walk two steps from my bedroom to the kitchen.’

‘But it’s so convenient.’

‘It’s time for a change,’ I finished off the rest of the bottle of beer. I placed it on the table.

Charlie smirked at the T.V, the comedian and him on the show were teasing the poor Dala girl.

‘Wow, you guys were cruel,’ I couldn’t help the smile on my face.

‘Literally, couldn’t help it. She thought Sweden was made up.’

Laughing, I shook my head.

‘Wait a sec,’ he stood up and walked to his backpack, unzipped it, and scavenged into the bag. He brought out a clump of messy paperwork. He came over, picking up a pen on his cup stained table, clicking it before scattering the paper on the table.

‘Ideas, brainstorms, we left season two on a cliff-hanger after he gets hit by that bus.’

‘It was a good ending,’ I mused. I clicked my tongue, ‘Why don’t we see how the other writers edit out script and bounce some ideas off that?’

He frowned and muttered, ‘I hate when they mess with the script. Told them we didn’t need any more writers to mess things up.’

‘They haven’t messed it up too bad, just cut a few scenes,’ I said, even though I wanted to agree with him and say how every time they change even a word of dialogue, I wanted to punch them hard for tampering.

My phone buzzed. I reached in my pocket.

‘Hey I will be training late tonight. Finishing about nine, want to go to the cinema or something? Hope things are good with your dad. Love you.’

‘Everything alright?’ Charlie looked over his shoulder at me while he doodled on the page.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ I slid my phone back into my pocket. ‘Alex is training late tonight.’

Charlie’s eyes were focused on his doodling, he replied, softly, ‘Ah, I was wondering about that.’

‘About what?’

‘Doesn’t matter. Do you want him to die or survive the bus crash?’

‘What?’ I frowned and shook my head. ‘Oh. Um. I am not sure, what would be better for a storyline for Tim?’

‘I think coma, personally.’

‘Won’t that be dull?’

‘We can start him off in a coma, and go from there?’

‘Alright,’ I leaned forward to take the pen out of his hand but knocked the bottle of beer over, it spilled a little liquid out onto the paper.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered, reaching over and wiping the paper with my sleeve, the thin paper already soaked and my sleeve making it worse.

With a gentle pat, he tried to push my arm away. I pulled away and my hand caught a piece of paper. Handwritten. Charlie’s handwriting.

I pulled at it but Charlie stopped me. ‘Don’t.’

He then sighed and pulled up the paper, ‘Just notes on my next stand up. That’s all.’

‘I didn’t mean to try take it.’

‘It’s just crap, anyway,’ he tossed it into the pile of papers.

I nudged him, ‘You’re not a hundred percent crap, you know?’

‘Just twenty percent then?’ he smirked at me.

‘Fifteen percent,’ I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow.

‘Glad you like the other seventy five percent of my stuff.’

‘Who said I did?’ I stuck a tongue out. I uncrossed my arms and whacked his shoulder, ‘Just kidding, funny guy.’ I pulled up his sleeve to see his Knight tattoo. ‘If all else fails you got your knighthood to fall back on.’

He pulled a face and flexed his arm, ‘We could get this guy in the show?’

‘Your tattoo?’ I said, flat.

‘No, a knight. Bring back a knight.’

‘But how would we do that? Maybe a coma for Tim is not the best idea, not a big brain moment’ I mused.

‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ Charlie uttered before he walked away.

I called to him, checking the time on my phone, ‘Of all the comments you take offence to, Conray!’

Sliding my phone away, I caught a glimpse of that paper Charlie wrote.

Why would he get so defensive about some notes of his comedy? Didn’t make sense. Charlie never cared. My eyes widened. He never wrote down his comedy; he always recorded his ideas on his phone. Like the fool he was.

I gave a nervous twitch glance at the door where Charlie has gone, before reaching over to the paper. It was addressed to me.

‘Did you read it all?’

Jumping, I tried to hide the paper into my lap. I muttered, ‘I, I haven’t’

I placed it back on the table as Charlie slammed himself next to me.

‘I shouldn’t have.’

‘So, you didn’t read it?’ he asked.

‘I just, um, I just picked it up,’ my voice was a little hoarse. ‘I don’t know why I did that.’

Charlie sighed before leaning back, rubbing his face with a frustration. He breathed through his hand, his eyes staring straight ahead.

Without looking at me, he said, ‘I am going on a holiday for a while.’

‘Awesome, man,’ I smiled, leaning back. ‘An adventure out, that sounds exciting.’

‘I know you wanted to start this new season.’

‘I can do that on my own, don’t worry, it’s pretty much all written up anyway, right,’ I nudged him. ‘Is this what this is about? Honestly you should just go, adventure round, spend some time with Claire.’

He twitched his mouth, gulping. I could see his Adam’s apple move.

Oh.

‘You guys broke up?’

My hand reached out and placed it on his arm. He looked at my hand like an alien beam and I took it away.

‘Yup.’

‘Dude, I am so sorry.’

‘It’s fine,’ he sat up. ‘I just decided to take a leaf out of your book, you’re usually so honest and wear your feeling on your sleeve.’

‘I am not a saint, Charlie.’

‘I, um,’ he lowered his voice even more, I could just about hear him against the laughing tracks of the T.V. show. ‘I told her I was in love with someone else. That’s all I told her.’

The T.V blared on. Charlie’s voice on the show boomed and made crude gestures making his audience laugh. I reached forward for the remote and turned the T.V down.

‘That must have been hard to tell her,’ I put the remote down. I didn’t know what else to say.

‘I think she already knew. I, um, ah,’ he said, pressing his hands together. ‘I knew it wasn’t fair on her. So that’s why I am going away for a bit. I need to clear my head.’

‘Of course,’ I clapped my hand on his shoulder. ‘You need anything let me know, okay?’

‘I need my suitcase back,’ he laughed, a little sniffing.

I squeezed his shoulder before replying, ‘That can be arranged. I can bring it round tomorrow. Where are you thinking of going or you’ll decide later?’

‘I booked to go to Australia for a month from Thursday,’ he said. He lowered his eyes, ‘I booked it before I told her today. I just need to be away a little while.’

I rubbed his shoulder and he winced a little. I backed off. Needed to stop touching him.

The common smell of beer and unique scent of his room, his scent, apples, floated around with the silence.

‘He finished his relationship because you screwed him over,’ sneers Jake.

I gritted my teeth.

Clock was ticking.

‘Don’t forget to take plenty of pictures, I want to see all the fun you have, drunk falling overs, dirty orgies, the lot!’ I blurted.

‘Dirty orgies?’ he grinned. ‘What do you think I am?’

‘I think you are a dirty orgy player,’ I laughed a little, teasing.

‘Well, I am single now,’ he rolled his eyes to the side, looking at the paper work. ‘I guess I could hook up with anyone I want, enjoy the single life.’

‘Be a player,’ I nudged him.

‘Pft, quit telling me what to do,’ he pulled a face at me.

I stuck my tongue out; he snorted and reached for the remote. He changed the channel to Korean pop.

‘What?’ he smirked, sitting back. ‘You’re going soon to meet with Alex; I can watch whatever I want.’

I laughed a little, staring out at the tiny Korean band girls dancing in their miniskirts and wide eyes.

We sat there, zoning out, our smiles peeling off our faces, resting. I blinked.

‘I told her I was in love with someone else.’

I glanced over to the written paper in front of me on the table. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

‘Is that what was in there?’ I said it before I had chance to think.

He said nothing.

I tried again, ‘Was that just to write to me to tell me you are going away? Why not just message me or email me?’

The screen of Korean pop was suddenly switched off, and Charlie pulled my arm up so I sat up properly and faced him.

He looked everywhere before giving nervous glimpses at me.

He was really struggling to say something. I didn’t want him to struggle like this but the same time I needed to hear what he had to say.

I gave him supportive small smile and Charlie clicked his knuckles and brought his elbows to his knees.

He opened his mouth and no noise came out.

I wanted to get up and punch him in the arm and make a crude joke about him becoming a drunk tourist. I hated this, this tension, I wanted to scratch it away and start a fresh.

‘The letter is for you, yes,’ he finally said. ‘I was writing about something else. I was hoping to put it in your letter box Thursday morning before my flight.’

‘You weren’t going to say bye?’

‘I would have the day before.’

‘Why not give me the letter then?’

‘Because!’ he sounded exasperated. ‘Because.’ His eyes glazed over. ‘Because I. I am a coward and I couldn’t tell you face to face.’

‘That you’re leaving?’

He gave me a hard stare. ‘You’re such an idiot.’

I crossed my eyebrows, ‘Why you being like this, I can’t guess everything when you’re not telling me anything.’

He muttered, ‘Damn idiot.’

‘Don’t call me that!’

‘I am not calling you that, I am calling myself that!’

‘Why?’

‘Because I,’ he gritted his teeth. ‘Because I love you, Nathan.’

It was out in air. I already knew it but the words were out and they were real now.

I said nothing.

Now he had said it, the words just tumbled out with a gentle ease, ‘I love you, Nathanial. Not as a brother or close friend as so much more. I never thought I would feel this way about, well, about anyone. I know how cliché that is. Stupid cliché. I know that I love you though, Nathanial, every time I see you, I get giddy inside and I know things are going to be better.’

I stayed silent and he continued ‘You flick your hand up and scratch the side of your beard. When you pull the face, like the one you are now, or how you gaze off into the distance in mid conversation. I love watching you, I can’t help it. You have no idea how captivating you are to watch,’ he paused at me, voice faltering. ‘You have no idea how handsome you truly are, Greystone.’

I didn’t know what to say. I really didn’t know what I should say.

‘But you do know what you want to say,’ muttered Jake.

‘But you are with Alex,’ he leaned back. ‘I can’t be in love with someone I can’t have. I have tried to stop myself; it’s been so hard, I tried to make myself see you guys as a couple, I tried so hard. It is so exhausting to love someone you can’t have. So exhausting.’ He looked up at me. ‘You made your choice. You want Alex. I can’t make you want me and it would be cruel of me to even try. Alex loves you so much and he’s so much better for you. But I can’t stop how I feel about you, so I need to be away, it’s best for everyone.’

I looked up at him; there was a large lump in my throat. My whole body was frozen and all I could smell were fresh apples.

‘Plus,’ he wiped at his own face, with his sleeve. ‘I have never even thought of anything with a guy before. I mean, I thought I was straight. So being away, I could experiment, learn more about myself, if this is one off thing or if I am bi, I honestly don’t know what I am anymore.’

The image of Charlie being touched by another man, brought a heavy sick ball to my stomach.

‘So, yeah, that’s what, um, that’s what the letter was about,’ he stood up. ‘I guess you should go see Alex now.’

‘Charlie,’ I shot to my feet, my legs shaking. I reached out to him. He looked away and turned his back, walking towards the door.

‘Charlie,’ I tried again, walking towards him, watching him fade away from me.

I pressed my hand out and he stopped. I pulled him into a hug from behind, his back resting against my chest, my arms folded up in front of him. He just froze.

I rested my forehead against the back of his head, expecting his hair to tickle my nose. But it didn’t. He felt so warm and soft even frozen up like this.

The idea of letting him go, never touching him like this, never being this close, never being able to joke and tease and talk the way we do. To never feel the fury leash of butterflies he gave me. To never get frustrated at him, to have the mind games, the fun, the pleasures, the closeness. The utter madness of it all.

I paused.

I did love Alex. I really did. But not half as much I loved Charlie and that made me the worst person in the room.

I was still holding him and I whispered, ‘I love you too Charlie.’

‘Idiot!’ he pulled away from me, facing me, his arms thrown in the air. ‘You’re an idiot. You belong with Alex.’

He was right. I was an idiot. I should have gone back to Alex, Alex treated me so well and he didn’t deserve this, what I was doing, it was cruel. Alex was better for me, Alex was perfect, he didn’t have to know this happened.

I should have just shut up this feeling and gone back to him. But I opened the box and I couldn’t deny it now.

‘I am an idiot, I do love you,’ I said, looking him in the eye.

He snorted and tried to walk away. I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him close to me.

Raising his eyebrows, he tried to pull away, his hands shoving against my chest.

I gripped him tight and pulled him closer to me, our chests met. He bowed his head down, avoiding looking at me. His face brightened red.

Pushing my forehead against his, I tried to catch his eye.

I did love him. I loved him so much. This warmth glowed inside me. This was right. This was right for my heart; it swelled more than it ever had.

I pressed my lips against his. He pulled away, shaking, his hands curled with the fabric of my clothing in his fist.

‘Nathanial,’ he croaked. ‘Don’t push me like this. I can’t stop.’

‘I love you,’ I said, against his lips before pressing against them again. He gripped my shirt tighter. He looked at me. His eyes were wildfire.

In an instant, he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me hard. He tasted so good, smelt so good. I couldn’t think, I just enjoyed, the guilt faded away.

I just wanted him.

He broke away from my lips, and nibbled my collar bone. I hitched my breath; my eyes almost rolled into my head. His teeth then gave a gentle tug on my earlobe.

I pulled him back to me and attacked his lips, biting harsh on his bottom lip, wanting that groan to escape him with no control. Our teeth clinked in wild imperfection and he finally gave out that groan. I could feel it vibrate off him and it was incredible. I ran my hands through his hair, the wild freedom I craved.

His warm hand slipped under my shirt, on my back, stroking my bare skin. I wanted to lose control. His fingernails scratched a little, hungry at my skin. Suddenly, he tugged at the bottom of my shirt, wanting to pull it off me.

‘So, you’re actually going to go through with it,’ cooed Jake. ‘Aren’t you meeting Alex after this?’

My eyes widened and I pulled away, tensing up, shaking my head.

Charlie caught my wrist before he saw my guilty eyes. I tried to look away before he caught me.

He let go of my wrist and backed away.

We both panted, Charlie took another step backwards, the distance between us was a punch to my gut.

He looked away, but I saw the tears fall.

I had done this. I had hurt two people in the same moment. I reached my hand out, Charlie flinched away.

He turned his back on me.

‘Please leave my apartment, Nathanial.’

‘Charlie,’ I croaked out, my hand still outstretched.

But he moved away further, crossing his arms, his back to me.

His voice was tightened in pain, ‘Don’t make me call the police. Get the hell out of my place, now and go see Alex.’