IceBerg - 32. Chapter 32

Another convention.

 

I look out into the crowd while we sit at the table on stage, Piper sits next to me writing away and the actors answers some questions on their character.

Grant had asked me if I was ready to do this, and I replied that I was. Well, ready as I ever would be. It was a small tour this time, and Piper could only do a few before her operation, and the others crew members wanted time with their family.

We all felt at ease with the decision.

 

This is the second city we have been to, second city hall, in Manchester. The floors still echoed despite the medium herd of fans sat, eagle eyed, looking at us as if we all the mighty.

 

We were still a small show but made a decent impact with viewings.

Perfection.

All halls are started to have the same scents these days, bleach and harsh chemical sprays. Poor guys who had to become cleaners and wait on people.

Feels like a life time ago I was walking in those poorly paid shoes.

 

My phone buzzes and I sneak a quick glance down. Oli has messaged me.

 

‘So, I have another question!’

 

I shoot my head. I am on display. The phone slides back into my pocket.

 

‘How are the two best friend writers doing?’ the fan calls out her face beaming a light.

 

Everyone laughs again. I am not even on the main panel and yet the light is suddenly shined one me. I give out two big thumbs up, slumping my shoulders, giving a wacky open mouth grin.

 

Charlies cocks his eyebrows at me in mock disgust, rolling his eyes. He leans close to his micro phone and says, ‘Got to around with this loser.’

 

The audience laughs with us.

 

‘Mr. Greystone, will you be escaping the hotel again?’ calls out someone.

 

Everyone laughs again. I laugh too, but I can feel the humiliation burning right into my stomach.

 

‘Excuse me, young man’ Piper says, raising her hand upwards. She adjusts the small microphone she has. ‘Mental health is never a laughing matter. We, at Lady, always aim to take great care of all our team members. We are family here. We look after each other.’

 

‘She is so right, dude,’ says Tim Hound, the guy playing Sam. ‘Besides these two got conjoined rooms this time, so they can do some more writing.’

 

The crowd coo and laugh more and I feel that humiliation burning right through me, never leaving me. I laugh harder.

‘Alright guys,’ the announcer on our table states out loud. ‘Any more questions for our cast today?’

 

                                   ***

 

 

As the actors leave the stage, Charlie comes past me.

Phone vibrated again

 

I leaned over to him, ‘Oli text me throughout that.’

 

‘Ha!’

 

I look up, giving a quizzical eyebrow raise, ‘What?’

 

He shrugs, ‘Maybe I mentioned that it would be funny if your arse was vibrating all throughout the questioning.’

 

‘You guys talk about me, eh,’ I stick my tongue out.

 

‘Well, when we are not talking about his engagement,’ he replies.

As the crowd leaves, I squint at him and whisper something not very PG.

***

‘That guy, man!’ I blast, giggling, the hotel room door flinging open.

 

Charlie laughs as he stumbles in behind me, dropping his empty water bottle into the bin on the way in.

Hotel room still smells fresh.

 

‘You got to let it go, unfortunately!’ he calls, locking the hotel room door.

 

‘I know, I know,’ I shrug, slumping into the corner chair. ‘You all warned me I would be asked questions like that. Still embarrassing. Trying not to get to me but, you know, it’s still annoying.’

 

‘D’aw, baba,’ he walks over rustling my hair. I pull a face.

 

‘What you got?’ he bends down to the mini fridge.

 

‘Um. Got water, Fanta, wine.’

 

‘Got ‘em!’ He grabs two small bottles of wine and chucks one at me. I catch it, and he sits on the bed.

I join him. The bed is quite large, a double, and the pillows are chunky and soft behind my back. He’s put on the comedy central.

 

‘So, I got to ask,’ begins Charlie, taking a sip of wine.

 

‘Oh?’ I focus hard on the screen, pretending to be cool and not panicking at all.

 

‘Oli. How come you guys never, you know?’

 

‘Never what?’ I turn around and narrow my eyes on him.

 

‘You know,’ he makes suggestive hand gestures.

 

I roll my eyes, ‘We are both gay so we must be in bed together, that’s right?’

 

‘No, it’s just, well I am curious, he’s a cool guy, you guys are quite close. How did you meet anyway? I know Oli told me some parts but not all.’

 

Getting back up, I rummage through my backpack on the floor, ‘I’ve known Oli since college, he was one of the first guys I ever met who was gay, I never met anyone else back home, it was just me.’

 

‘What you looking for?’ he nods at my backpack.

 

I shake my medication box at him, before opening up the box, ‘Got to get these ready for the morning.’

 

‘You sleeping soon?’ he smirks, staring as I take my medication. ‘Just sounds like you are avoiding the question.’

 

‘Oli and I were once rivals, actually,’ I reply.

The bed dips as I get back on it and stretch my legs out. ‘We always liked the same guys, and he always got them before I did. But then I got with my ex, and it turns out Oli was the only one who stood by and saw something was wrong.’ I looked at the bottle of wine before taking a quick sip with my tablet. ‘Everyone else thought I was being an jerk and stopped contacting me, Oli was the one who helped me end it the relationship. All I’ve seen him as since as my closet ally. Nothing else.’

 

‘Shame, you could have been a cute couple,’

 

I snort, ‘That’s gross. He’s my brother.’

 

The T.V. is laughing. Feels like the T.V is always in the background. There is a cheesy sitcom on, reading out the corny lines, the laughter track cackles hard.

 

‘Can we please change the channel?’ I ask, looking over to the clock on the side table. Almost three thirty in the morning.

 

‘I was going to,’ Charlie is already flicking through the channels. A gory scene appears on the screen, a woman screaming covered in blood. ‘Alright! Sundance City.’

 

‘Ugh,’ I mutter, scowling down.

 

‘You hate this?’

 

‘Horrors are the worst. I don’t see the appeal at all.’

 

‘Oh, come on, you’ll like this,’ he pulls me up against his side his arm around my shoulder. I almost tense up, shocked at the sudden closeness, the warmth of him.

 

‘It’s cheese horror,’ he says pointing towards the screen. ‘You’ll end up laughing half the time at the poorly made scenes. Come on, we can have a shot every time it’s bad.’

 

‘You want to get drunk?’ I raise an eyebrow.

 

‘There’s a few more mini bottles in the fridge. Like these ones,’ he lifts his other hand to reveal two more bottles hidden.

 

I reach over, trying to grab it off, him, one hand leaning on his thigh, the other hand snatching the bottle of his hand. We are very close. He pulls a face and I can almost smell the wine off his lips. Apples, too.

 

Almost stare too hard at his lips and I almost lean forward.

 

Clearing my throat and lean back, my hand is off his thigh. I open up the bottle.

 

It has been five days since I had heard Jake and the five days had gone by so quickly.

 

‘You’re right,’ I murmur, my head low. ‘This is kind of funny.’

           

‘Huh?’ I can feel him shuffling on the bed, kicking his shoes off. ‘Yeah. There are some ridiculous scenes.’

 

‘You, okay?’ I glance at him before back at the screen.

 

He mumbles, ‘Yeah. Of course.’

 

Is he upset? I don’t understand why. He didn’t want me to kiss him.

 

Right? We need to stay as friends.

 

I tap the bottle.

He is quite close to me today; he kept being very affectionate. He took a lot of videos on the bus to this place to put on social media, he went up to everyone smiling, then he chose me last, and threw an arm around me, smacking a big kiss on my cheek. Then later on, after the questions and answer session, at the party, he was quite close to me. I remember talking to a group of editors, laughing and joking and I could have sworn he was staring at me, I could almost feel his eyes burning into me.

 

We are both staring at the screen. I sigh, sitting up a bit more. My chest is tight and my throat is dry.

 

It’s so quiet between us.

 

He casts his eyes down, he sits up properly, bringing his knees to chin.

 

‘Nathanial,’ he says.

 

Okay, I need to brace myself.

 

‘When you and Alex broke up, how was he with you?’

 

I frown.

 

What? He wants to bring up Alex?

 

He sees the confusion on my face and stares hard. I swing around the edge of the bed, kicking my own shoes off. I take my time doing this, sliding my toes against the heel.

 

I give out a little laugh, it’s a harsh loud one, ‘Well, he wasn’t happy.’

 

‘At the hospital, they said you had the bruising,’ he mutters.

 

The rape kit again.

 

‘Yeah, you told me already,’ I say, sliding the shoes off and tossing them hard against the wall.

 

‘Was Alex angry enough to do something, Nathanial?’

 

I don’t want to do this.

I can’t talk about that. I’ve worked hard to get off the dark path. Not in the mindset to talk about this right now.

 

I spin back onto the bed, smile painful on my face, ‘He wasn’t happy. That’s it.’

 

Charlie looks like he is about to burst into tears. He blinks and looks down.

 

I still don’t understand and I feel like I should.

 

‘Answer my question, Nathanial.’

 

‘Saying my full name, you never call me that, you’re the only idiot to call me Nathan,’ I tease more, so desperate for him to smile and give me a tongue in cheek answer.

 

‘Can you just please the answer the question.’

 

‘Why do you want me to answer it?’ I push myself off the bed, and lean on the wall. I add, ‘Why asking me now, anyway, it’s been months.’

 

‘You’re still not answering the question.’

 

‘What question, you just made a statement!’

 

‘I asked you if Alex did anything to you and all you’ve done is get defensive.’

 

‘Defensive?!’

 

Crossing my arms, I lower my head and notice that I am wearing odd socks, ‘I should get ready to sleep. It’s so late.’

 

‘Nathanial,’ he croaks.

 

T.V buzzes on for a few more seconds before the screen goes black. He puts the remote to the side.

 

‘Please,’ he says. ‘Just tell me something.’

 

‘What do you want me to say? Look it’s personal, I mean you never told me how you and Claire broke up.’

 

‘I can tell you right now,’ he sniffs a little, wiping the back of his sleeves against his face. He stands up. ‘I told you that I broke up with her because I told her I loved someone else. She shouted, she got mad, she shoved me, she cried, she called me all the names under the sun and she kicked me out of her house.’

 

‘Does she know who the person is, that you love?’ I try to catch his eye.

 

He paces the floor, ‘I didn’t. But Claire isn’t stupid. Claire adores you. This isn’t about me. Alex did hurt you, didn’t he?’

 

I stare back up at the ceiling. ‘I didn’t think we’d be arguing at four in the morning over this.’

 

He says nothing.

 

Bitterness claws into my throat, the hurt comes down to my fist and I curl it in a tight angry ball.

 

Taking him back to be bed, I sit him down and I go and sit behind him.

 

‘Just let me sit like this,’ I say, putting a leg around one side of him and the other. I sit up behind him, my chest against his back, I press my forehead against the back of his neck.

 

‘I don’t want you to get upset,’ I choose my words with care. ‘I don’t want you to get angry. I don’t want you to tell anyone.’

 

I let out shaking breath of air, I close my eyes. I can’t concentrate; I need to just blurt out.

 

Last time I said the words out loud was to Father Tom and I still want to vomit every time I think about it.

 

‘I attempted to break up with Alex. He got mad.’ I pause. ‘He, um, he. Ah. He yelled a lot. Which is what I expected. We were in the bedroom. He did hit me.’ I can feel Charlie tensing up. ‘He went mad, he started trying to, um, kiss me, I pulled away. But he got some force. He managed to get on top of me.’ I am pushing the words out, it’s so hard, they are longing never to be set free. ‘He assaulted me, um, sexually, and then he left the apartment after that and, um.’

Charlie rips away from my arms. He snatches up the clock from the side and smashes it against the wall. He is seething, panting, his hands are running through his hair.

 

I stare, meek. ‘Don’t.’

 

Charlie whips around to me, there are tears streaming down his red face.

 

‘Ahh!’ he smashes the lampshade into the wall.

 

I am frozen, just watching him. He looks like he is going to explode. He shakes his head, more tears streaming down calling Alex every name under the sun.

 

‘Charlie,’ my voice is weak.

 

‘I knew he was bad, you know,’ he finally looks at me. ‘I mean I knew he wasn’t a damn saint when he came to my house and beat at my face. I thought it was my fault, I thought it was a one off because he didn’t like me and he had found out about us. I know people don’t like me, so someone like him punching me. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I should have, I should have known he was violent.’ He starts to shake his head more and pace the floor, ‘I never said a thing about it. Now look what he’s done.’

 

No. I can’t sit there and watch him do this.

 

‘Don’t go down that road, Charlie,’ I manage to stand up and walk to him and try to touch him.

 

Brushing my hand away, he marches into the bathroom and closes the door.

 

I stand there, aimless for a moment. Going towards the bathroom, I then press my head against the door.

 

He is crying out loud, breathing as if there is so much pain inside of him, tearing him apart.

I can’t.

I can’t let him be like this.

 

Opening the bathroom door, I go to him. He is sat on the floor, leaning against the bath, curled up to his knees. I sit beside him.

Without a thought, I throw my arms around him, holding him tight against me, resting my head into the crook of his neck, listening to his shaking heart beats.

‘Nathanial,’ his voice croaks. ‘Why didn’t you peruse it with the police?’

 

‘You’re asking a lot of questions today,’ I murmur into his soft neck.

 

‘Nathan.’

 

‘I choose not to, okay?’

 

‘Why not? When did Alex do this?’

 

‘It happened a few days after you broke up with Claire.’

 

‘Why did you stay?’ he pushes me up to look at me. ‘You stayed with him?’

 

I gulp and cast my eyes down, I try to make my voice clear but even I hate the words that come out, ‘Guilt. I thought I deserved it.’

 

‘Deserve it?’ He pauses, ‘He’s the reason you changed, your mental health.’

 

‘My mental health was an issue that was on going before that.’

 

‘But it got worse after that,’ his hands are on biceps. ‘Why have you still not gone to the police?’

 

‘Because I chose not to. That’s the only power I have, having my own choice on what I want to happen next, and I don’t want to go to the police,’ I say.

 

We are quiet. He squeezes my arm.

 

‘Can we sit on the bed,’ I say, voice hushed. I give him a little sad smile, ‘It will be more comfortable.’

 

He says nothing but he lets me stand us both up. I take him to the bed; we both rest up against the pillows.

 

The clock croaks a bit. We both look at it. The lamp is in shatters on the floor.

 

‘Guess I will have to pay for that in the morning,’ he titters.

 

I sigh and rest my head against his shoulder.

 

‘Who else knows?’ he asks, I can feel his soft voice vibrating along his neck.

 

‘Oli and Father,’ I say. ‘He is the one I’ve talked to; he took me to the hospital.’

 

‘You need to talk to someone else,’ he urges. ‘You need to report this.’

 

‘I agreed to not press charges.’

 

‘Nathanial.’

 

‘I know what you are going to say, Charlie. But it’s my decision. I just want to move on. I am not a bad person and I am not lying about anything that happened.’

 

He sighs, ‘If you are not going to the police then at least go to the doctors. You need some therapy; you need something.’

 

‘Oli gave me some numbers already and I am seeing someone about it,’ I pause. ‘You think I am an idiot.’

 

‘No.’ His hand slips into mine.

 

‘Been praying a lot too,’ I say.

 

He sniffs and says, ‘You’ve still got faith? After everything?’

‘I suppose I do. I thought it went away a little, but it didn’t really.’

‘Huh,’ he says.

 

‘What?’ I ask.

‘Just a lot of people in your position would have lost it completely.’

 

‘Well, you’re an atheist, why would you care about that?’ I tease, my voice soft.

 

‘You’re right, I am, I always will be,’ says Charlie. ‘Doesn’t mean I don’t respect you for it.’

‘Respect me?’ I tease again. ‘I’m just a lazy Christian. You admire a gay schizophrenia rape victim? You’re weird.’

‘You know you are more than that.’

‘Not really, that’s all I am. If I had a story written about me that would be it summed up.’

He pulls at my arm, his voice is clear, ‘You are also a successful dedicated scriptwriter, do you know how many people work so hard, work on other people’s shows, and yet don’t even come close to anything that you have had? Luck can only carry you so far, talent keeps you going.’ He carries on stretching out his legs.

He pauses and adds, ‘I wish I could be the man you are. I am not good at being a person sometimes and I do and say crap that without a second thought.’

‘Now you are giving yourself less credit,’ I reply.

His hand is still in mine.

 

 

 

The sun is warm and sweet on my face. I squint at the light shining through the curtain. I can hear the soft snores of someone next to me.

He is so warm, his arm is around me, holding me close, and there is a relaxing scent of apples.

 

My phone buzzes out loud and I stir, waking up more. My phone is on the table and I don’t remember putting it there. I sit up a little and look at it. Messages from Oli coming through and all are just stupid emoji winks.

 

I bit my lip and lie back down. I can still smell a bit of alcohol, even with the sweat, he smells like him, his original scent.

 

He is awake and smiling at me.

‘I’ve told you before,’ I say, my voice a little husk. ‘But I love you Charlie even though you are an idiot.’

 

He snorts out loud, ‘That’s gay.’

 

‘Your face is gay,’ I retort back.

He rolls onto his back.

‘Going to the bathroom,’ I say, pulling myself up.

I go in and close the door.

 

I should be upset right now. He didn't say it back.

But he does love me and I did just say it out of nowhere. Why did I say it out of nowhere?

I heard it in his voice last night, all the words he said. The way I woke up in his arms, arms that were eager to hold me. Maybe it’s not the way I want it to be, but it is there, and it is real love. Not romantic love but pure love and care. This is a better love, a love of friendship.

In the past this would have tormented me. Or to be more precise, Jake would have started tormenting me now. Or the other voices. Or maybe I would start hearing my phone going off when it clearly wasn’t.

Looking in the bathroom mirror, I am startled by my reflection. My skin is a lot clearer now, there are still some spots there but not as red and brass as before, my hair has grown well, a nice thick soft brown and my beard is shaped well on my face. My nose is actually a decent size for a guy like me and my ears are not too big. Brown eyes. Wait, they’re hazel. I lean forward. Definitely hazel, a smooth shade. I never really noticed that before. Never took the time to actually look in the mirror without instantly hating what I saw. Now I am just observing, not hating.

I smile and the smile lit up my whole face. My teeth are straight and a nice shade of white, not bright white like a celebrity but naturally white. I almost had dimples. I spent so much time on feeling so bad and hating my reflection that I had forgotten what I actually looked like. All these features I have. Features that others would love to have, that others would see and like.

Features I like too.

In this moment, I just realised that I don’t feel bad.

I come back to the room and sit on the bed next to Charlie.

 

I tell him, I love him but I would really appreciate to be friends and nothing more. Our relationship is stronger as a respected friendship. I thought he’d be upset but he agrees with me.

 

I need to put myself first. No dramas, no triangles. Just need to let be for while.