IceBerg - 33. Chapter 33

It’s been a few months and everything has settled, I enjoy my new friendship with Charlie, I speak with Oli on daily basis and I eat much healthy now, I run every week and lift weights. I start swimming too. Alex doesn’t own the waters so I gain confidence in myself. I look like a normal man now.

On one weekend, I visit Father Tom at his church, my dad and I offer volunteering for the day.

We arrive and there are other people there.

I laugh, folding my arms, ‘What would you like us to?’

Father Tom smiles, ‘Just hand out leaflets, very easy. These are on upcoming events.’

‘Everything else took up,’ I ask as he hands us the fliers. ‘Looks busy.’

Father Tom nods, grinning, ‘We’ve even had help from other churches, oh,’ he pauses and waves a man over.

It’s another vicar. But he is younger, my age, maybe. He had the dog collar on, and sharp jeans. He has a naturally friendly smile and a slightly rounder face with a tidy beard and blonde messy curly mop of hair, and laughter wrinkles around his eyes.

Reaching over, he offers to shake my hand. I blink, almost forgetting myself and shake his hand back.

‘This the Reverend Ignatius,' Father Tom says.

My eyebrows automatically raise before I can think.

He laughs at me, he has a soft tinge of a Welsh accent, ‘Iggy, just me call Iggy.’

‘Like Iggy Pop,’ before I can stop myself.

He nods at me, ‘Well my parents nearly named me Rudolph so that’s just my middle name instead now.’

Laughter tickles out me and he laughs back.

He shakes my dad’s hand too, ‘I’ll stand with you guys, we will do the boring job of handing these out.’

‘It’s not boring,’ Father Tom shakes his head.

‘It is a job to be done,’ Reverend Iggy grins back and winks at us. ‘Come on guys, we’ll have to stand near the doors.’

‘So, if you’ve from another church, why are you helping here?’ I ask while we hand out fliers to people.

‘It’s because we’re doing an event with all the churches in the area, it’s to help with the homelessness, it’s actually an event Father Tom suggested.’

‘Okay, so which church are you from?’

‘Mine is a little one down the road, we focus on inclusivity,’ he says as he hands another flier out to a passer-by.

I stare at his hands as he hands the leaflets out. I blush. Wow. It’s been a while since I had this little butterfly in my stomach. I didn’t think I would after all this time with Alex and Charlie. He’s a vicar. But he’s really adorable, really handsome.

I clear my head, blinking and keep handing fliers out.

‘How long have you been a vicar, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘I don’t mind, I encourage questions,’ he smiled at me. ‘About three years now, I’m like the baby to this whole area. It’s been an amazing experience and I’m still learning.’

‘I’m going to get a break,’ my dad suddenly says.

I nearly forgot he was with us.

‘You sure, dad?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, gonna grab a hot drink,’ he said and nodded at Iggy before going inside.

I clear my throat as a little silence settles as we hold the leaflets.

‘That’s really cool,’ I say. ‘About the religious places coming together to support homelessness. Not to support, sorry, to make awareness of?’

Iggy winks at me and smiles, ‘That’s right, Nathanial.’

I pause. I don’t remember telling him my name. He sees me make the calculations in my head and says, ‘Oh, I already know you and your dad, Father Tom told me you’d be coming down. We’re all really happy yous came.’

We hand out more fliers, and suddenly there are all gone

‘We got about an hour. Ish. Sort of. Shall we grab a quick sandwich?’ he smiles.

In the café nearby, we sit and have a coffee. I see Iggy’s friendly smile and welcoming eyes and I end up telling him quite a lot more than I intended. About the last few years. My mum. Jake. Alex. Charlie. My dad. Sleeping inside a tree, my brain glitches. It’s kind of embarrassing how much I just let loose.

He talks to me too. About his many addictions. About at his lowest point, he sold himself for sex for these addictions. How he felt stronger now than ever and absolutely loved his faith with such passion.

I sit and listen, drinking in his story. I can’t believe someone this amazing came from such harsh difficulties.

‘I’m five years sober now,’ he laughed, taking a bite of his sandwich. ‘I’ve never looked back.’ he pauses and says, ‘It’s a good feeling, moving forward, isn’t it.’

‘Absolutely,’ I agree. I then pause, ‘Do you ever, you know, doubt?’

‘Oh, of course,’ he replies. ‘It’s natural isn’t it, to just stop and wonder maybe we are all wrong. But that doesn’t stop me moving forward and finding out more.’

‘Sometimes, I doubt,’ I say. ‘I’ve never been super religious; it was my mum. And I just supported it for a long time and never really focused on what I actually believe in.’

‘Sounds like it is time for some self-reflection, see if you believe or maybe not,’ Iggy says, leaning back. ‘Well, I am always here for any questions or debates, I love a good debate.’

I can’t stop grinning, ‘You have all the answers?’

‘No, but I love hearing other people’s thoughts, perspectives, we are all free will and should be able to express ourselves in healthy conversations.’

It feels so natural talking with Iggy, our conversation just keeps flowing and flowing, it feels like nothing is off topic. We do debate on what is real, what’s not, why is there religion when there is so much horror in the world, why people use religion as a tool for evil. We’ve been sat here over an hour and a half and I want to stay here forever. He makes me belly laugh hard, he makes me argue. He makes me stop and really think on things.

I could breathe in his company all day long.

Finally, I bite the bullet, ‘So, just last questions before we go back, as a vicar, or reverend, you can’t have a partner right.’

‘That’s Catholicism,’ he raises an eyebrow and chuckles.

‘So, not you?’

‘No, I’m protestant so I can marry, have kids, and all that jazz.’

‘So, you have a partner?’

He pauses and looks at me, ‘At this moment in time, it’s just me and my work and that’s okay.’

Ah. Still. I try again.

‘So, if I asked you out to dinner, just us, that would be a polite, no?’

He pauses a while and leans back. He finally says, ‘There’s a restaurant near the beach, does okay pasta but people don’t go there for the food, they go for the beautiful view of the sea. It’s the best place to go for first dates. Supposed to be romantic.’

I blush and I can’t help it.

‘That sounds lovely,’ I give a little laugh, rubbing the back of my neck. ‘I’m free next week, I can come but I can obviously work around you too.’

Iggy smiles at me, ‘I like that you were brave enough to ask me.’

‘Well, the worst-case scenario was you say no and that’s fine, and I would still leave here having had an amazing conversation with a great guy.’

This time he blushes and rolls his eyes, ‘We definitely need to get back, Father Tom will be losing his mind.’

‘Are you often in trouble?’ I teased as we left our table.

‘Iggy Rudolph, the trouble maker,’ he pulls a face at me and I laugh. It feels good to laugh like this.

Over the next few weeks, we try and take things slowly but the energy is amazing when we see each other. We debate on serious things, daft things, he teases me and I tease him right back. He asks questions about my mental health, really listening to me. He openly flirts with me, touching my cheek or my arms. I ask him about his addictions and how hard it must be to keep fighting every day. He tells me why he is passionate about advocating about LGBTQ plus inclusiveness at his church and that his regulars are amazing and all come from such different background. He feels he is too liberal some days and I laugh at that, and tell him, he is just being honest with the world. He tells me stories of his worst days, selling himself, stealing from everyone and how he made the decision to get into religious ministry at such a young age. I see him hide his face when he gets upset and I just reach out and hold his hand and sit with him.

When he visits me and my dad, he sits at the kitchen table and reaches for my hand straight away. He has gentle firm grip when he holds my hand as if he has got nothing to lose. He plays with John and teaches him some cool tricks that my dad and I sit in awe of. Then he accidently smashes two cups and a cupboard door, and I burst out laughing while he groans with embarrassment.

He turns up without wearing his dog collar and I tease him constantly on this. He had a haircut and it makes him look even more cute.

I offer to support the homeless sleep out event all churches host a fundraising where we all sleep outside together. I help Father Tom give out hot drinks to everyone.

‘I think you set us up,’ I wink at Father Tom.

He just grins and shakes his head, ‘Oh, I don’t play match maker, you can’t make people get on but I just, I know Iggy has been on his own for a while with his own demons. Sometimes helps knowing you’re not the only one fighting battles.’

‘Thanks Father,’ I smile back.

***

‘Ugh, this is annoying me!’

She looks at him, ‘How is this annoying? They were totally made to be friends.’

He points at the screen, taking a slice of pizza with him, ‘It’s lazy writing, they became friends because of one thing in common, that’s not how it works in real life, you don’t force friendships around your life.’

I narrow my eyes on them and silently eat my pizza and take a swig of my beer.

‘You shouldn’t be drinking much, you know,’ Sharon doesn’t blink away from the T.V.

‘My house, I do what I like,’ I shrug. ‘Plus, I am only having two. Should be okay.’

Sharon and Oli gasp at the TV. Something dramatic happened, someone is being slapped hard in the face. I look at their faces and I grin, trying not to laugh under my breath.

Friday night at my place was definitely the best idea. I love these two being here.

‘How can you smile at that, Nathanial? She just straight up got in her face,’ says Sharon, wide eyed, shaking her head at me.

Oli smirks and nudges her, close to her, ‘He’s smiling about something else.’

She grins back at him, cocking an eyebrow at me, ‘Oh, yes. Of course.’

‘I’m smiling about hanging out with good people,’ I stick my tongue out at them. I point at the TV, ‘He’s just walked in, was that her son? When did he grow up? I thought he was ten.’

‘Someone is five seasons behind,’ Oli roll his eyes and Sharon giggles.

‘Look at them two,’ Sharon is pointing at the screen. ‘I just wish they would just screw each other already. You guys are writers, surely, you’d want things to go quicker? I mean they are such a cute couple!’

‘Not really,’ says Oli, opening up his own beer and passing one to Sharon. ‘You need the audience to want the romance bad, to tease them really.’

‘They are so cute though, he is dreamy, she’s model,’ she sighs.

‘Ew,’ I pull a face.

‘Just because it’s not Iggy, Nathanial,’ Sharon says without missing a beat.

‘Yeah, you guys aren’t even that great together,’ Oli teases.

‘When are you guys going to get actually married anyway, Mr. fiancé,’ I tease right back. ‘Or is that in ten years from now?’

‘We do what we like,’ Oli teases. He leans over to Sharon, ‘You notice when you said Iggy’s name, he went a little red there.’

‘I have no idea why you guys are getting excited.’

‘Dude,’ Oli says, tilting his head. His voice goes soft, ‘He makes you so happy, happier than Alex or Charlie ever made you.’

I don’t know what to say to that. I take another sip of beer.

‘Did you tell him how you feel?’

I nod.

‘Did something else happen?’ he asks as well.

‘You guys took it to the next level?’ grins Sharon.

‘He can't do that at the moment, church rules and stuff,' I say, knowing they are about to explode about that. 'Can we just go back to watching the show?’ I urge, reaching forward to the remote and turning the volume up.

‘Well, I am so glad you guys are together,’ beams Sharon. She nudges Oli and giggles, ‘You and David have competition now.’

‘Not really,’ I grin. ‘They are the Kings of dating; they can’t be beaten.’ I pause, ‘How is David by the way? Shame he couldn’t come out tonight.’

‘He’s still at the rat house of our old work,’ sighs Oli. ‘He’s got interviews for work next week, but all he wants is bar work and you’d be surprised how hard it is to find. I am seeing him later tonight, after this.’

‘Oh dear, oh dear, idiot,’ whispered Jake.

No, Jake.

I shake my head hard, I took my medication, I am sure I did.

Screw this. It’s my home. The familiar scents comfort me, the lighting shines a little dim, just the way I like it.

Staring at the cupboard, I follow the trail. Breathing in four, and then looking across, and then down, breathing out four seconds.

Stupid breathing exercises actually work. Closing my eyes, I imagine the breath leaving my body like smoke.

I’ll be okay.

                                                      ***

It’s been an hour and all the fresh salad and pizza has gone, the T.V has been off a while.

Oli’s phone goes off. He taps it open in front all of us, pressing the speaker phone button. ‘Hey David, you’re on speaker.’

‘Hey David!’ calls Sharon cheerful.

‘Sup Buddy!’ I also chant.

We all laugh.

‘Nice to hear you guys!’ replies a muffled David. ‘I’m just getting an uber now.’

‘How’s the manger these days?’ I ask.

‘He made a new girl cry today. In front of Clooney.’

‘What, Clooney was there?!’ screeches Oli. He turns to me. ‘All the better celebs go there now.’

‘Oh, he had his private booth so no one got to see him,’ laughs David. ‘Oh, by the way, I read the new rota for next week. Apparently, you guys are going to be there soon, Nathanial.’

‘Does it say our names?’ I ask.

‘Yeah!’ David replies. ‘Oh, one second.’ We can hear a mutter exchange and a door slamming shut. ‘Okay. Yeah, you and Charlie are booked to come in next month.’

‘Wow,’ Oli shakes his head at me. ‘Look at that, within a year you’ve gone from serving there to being served there. Whoop.’ He grins as he says it though.

‘Just jealous,’ I laugh. ‘Oh, by the way, David, I am willing to offer my services as a best man to you instead of Oli.’

‘Nice try, dude,’ David laughs on the phone. ‘My twin brother is.’

‘I didn’t know you had a twin,’ I remark.

‘You need to hang out with us more,’ Oli says.

‘He can come with us next week to the cinema,’ David adds. ‘Up for seeing a marvel film, Nathanial?’

‘Sounds good.’

‘Hey David,’ Sharon almost sings out. ‘Can I come too?’

‘Of course,’ he laughs. ‘Right, I’ll be back in ten minutes. You staying at mine tonight, babe?’

In a flash, Oli snatches the phone away, turning the speaker off and putting it close to his ear. ‘Yeah, I’ll set off soon. Meet you at yours.’

Sharon, who has been drinking diet coke, taps his shoulder and mouths, ‘I’ll drive.’

Oli nods and speaks into the phone, ‘Yeah, Sharon is going to drive. Okay. Alright. See you too. Love you so much.’

‘Love you too!’ I call.

‘So much love!’ calls Sharon, smacking loud exaggerated kisses into the air.

‘Well, Nathanial,’ Sharon then grins and stands up, stretching. ‘Been awesome. See you Monday, then.’

I stand up to hug her and kiss her cheek, ‘Let me know when you get back.’

‘You know I will forget,’ she grins, reaching for her handbag. ‘But I will try, hun.’

Oli stands up, ‘Where’s my hug, doofus?’

I give him a hard hug, slapping his back.

‘So manly,’ Oli teases.

‘Of course,’ I nod at Oli. ‘We, men. We do good.’

‘Men things, yes,’ Oli deepens his voice. ‘Hammer things, beer, boobs. Yes.’

Sharon rolls her eyes at us before tilting her head at Oli. She smiles and goes into her bag, clutching out her keys, ‘Come on, Oli. I’ll let you choose the music.’

***

It should smell like bleach in here or chemicals or something. Or maybe an air freshener or perfume. Anything to make it different to any office I’ve stepped in before.

It smells of nothing. It’s been months, and I come here on a regular basis now.

I still like it.

Looking around the room, only one degree is hung up on the wall, there are children’s paintings around in certain pattern to make the room much larger than it is. Smart grey carpet along with a smooth wood desk and one large window that has a thin blind to it.

‘Sounds like you are doing much better, Nathanial,’ she says, smiling.

I nod at her, ‘I’m getting there. I get times where I feel completely normal and it’s awesome and I think ‘Hey, maybe I don’t have anything wrong with me after all!’ Then it crashes and that really sucks.’

She nods. This is Doctor Redden, the one Charlie recommended. She is good, he was not wrong.

I sigh, and lean back on my chair, ‘I remember last time, you told it was common for people not to report their attacks?’

She gives a sad smile, ‘It is a lot more common than people would believe, especially in the LGBTQ plus community, there are many factors to why that it is, but you’re right. It is common for people to not report their sexual attacks and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad their decision. People change their mind all the time, so if it is a decision you want to change in the future and report it, that is absolutely fine as well.’ She pauses. ‘Have you been giving it much thought this week?’

I shrug, ‘It comes and goes. I am not afraid to report him I just don’t want to and I know how that sounds but that’s my decision.’

‘Exactly,’ she nods. ‘It’s your choice right now, no one else’s.’

‘I’ve been on the medication for a while now,’ I say, rubbing my ears. ‘I thought once I was on it, that would be it, but I hear him. Jake. Just every now and then, but it’s like a snide whisper if I’m stressed. Even if I’m having a good day, he can show up. I thought he would go away forever.’

‘Unfortunately that’s not how it works. There will be days when you’ll hear something or maybe see something, when that happens, I want you to keep writing it down and bringing it to these sessions. Last month it only happened three times so it is getting less for , you just have to be patience with yourself. It’s okay to have a bad few days,’ she says. ‘Do you feel more in control?’

‘Yes, I really do,’ I pause and lower my voice. ‘You said it was normal to not report an attack. But is it normal to be with someone awful for so long, knowing it is really bad and yet never leaving? I wish I had left the relationship a long time ago, before it escalated. I shouldn’t have stayed.’

‘There’s that word. Shouldn’t.’

‘Yeah, negative thinking, sorry.’

‘You do not need to apologise,’ she pauses. ‘A lot of people think they will never be in that type of situation, but it’s a situation that is more complex, there are many factors involved. You don’t feel mad about yourself being ill?’

‘No,’ I stop. ‘You think I should not be mad at myself because I was a victim?’

‘You’re not a victim, Nathanial,’ she says. ‘Don’t you see? You survived it. You went through that relationship, you went through being extremely ill, you went through that assault, and here you are right now, sitting opposite me, because you survived it, Nathanial.’

That really gets to me and I sit and close my eyes.

‘Have you been using the breathing exercises and tapping exercises?’ she asks, putting her notes down.

Opening my eyes, I reply, ‘The breathing one, I pretty much do every day, it’s surprisingly useful and yet so simple. The tapping one, I just do once a month.’

‘Tapping and saying how you feel out loud? Have you looked it up online as well?’

I nod, ‘I followed the videos too.’

‘How is your memory doing?’

I sigh and shrug.

‘Okay,’ she smiles. ‘I know this sounds a bit silly but for this week, I want you to buy some sticky notes and just put them all around your house. Just things you need to do or conversations you have had with people.’

‘Alright, Doctor,’ I laugh a little.

Time is almost up.

I should call Dad. Think he is with Father Tom. Just see how his appointments are going today. We both have the same time and day booked.

Like father, like son.