Letting Go - 10. Chapter 10

“I’m sorry Albert, I fell asleep again while I was reading in bed.” Keith curled up his small body under the cover that was way too big for him, he tried to block the shining sun with the cover and his burning eyes begged for more time to sleep. The bed was enormous for him.

 

Albert looked at Keith affectionately and pulled back the curtain, he didn't notice any book by the night stand.

 

“I will remember to switch them off tonight. Please don't tell mom and dad.” Keith promised, he looked like a little puppy who had been caught of being naughty, and he looked very exhausted as if he hadn't been sleeping all night even though it had past 9 a.m.. Truth was, he hadn't slept at all last night. He couldn't. The artificial light had lost its magic.

 

Albert smiled at Keith kindly and his heart clenched when he looked at the boy who was trying so hard to show him the courage that was not suitable for his age, he stared at the seven years old Keith and knew another night of fighting with fear of darkness had drained this fragile child’s little energy while he should have been resting. But that was only Albert’s guess, Keith had never admitted his fear of darkness to anyone, mainly to keep it from his parents, who at this moment had been away for one week to New York for a conference. Usually Keith would set up the alarm before the time Albert would come in and wake him up, then he could switch off the light when the sun was already up and go back to sleep and no one would suspect a thing. But it had been two nights in a row that Keith forgot to switch off the light in the morning.

 

Little Keith remembered clearly that one year ago his parents had been awfully occupied with their works and he hardly had seen them at all for a few months because his parents would have left before he had woken up, and come back after he had fallen asleep. One day Keith had accidentally (he might have done it on purpose, sometimes Keith would think) cut his finger and instead of running to Albert he had called his mom and described the cut on the phone to his mom as something very serious. Keith had been very happy to know that his mom would be back home in a short time, and had waited outside on the road. Smile had broadened on Keith’s face when he had seen his mom getting out of her car, after she had checked Keith’s finger which had stopped bleeding long time ago and it didn't look serious, she had scolded at Keith for making such a big fuss about it and that she had almost had a car accident on the way back from an important meeting. The smile had disappeared from little Keith’s face, and guilt had taken control of the joy of seeing his mom and hearing her voice again. At that time he had learned to keep his trouble to himself otherwise it would cause trouble for others.

 

So seven years old Keith decided not to tell anyone about his fear of darkness, he figured that he could just leave the light on during the night and fall asleep normally, there was no need to trouble anyone with it, besides no good would come out of it had he told anyone about it. His parents wouldn't stay at home for him just because of that, he just knew, and he had found an easy solution for it to keep the darkness away so he didn't have to risk making himself a troubled child in other people’s eyes. So little Keith kept everything within himself.

 

*

 

The driver was waiting outside for the whole time, Keith got into the car and asked the driver to take him home. On the whole way Keith couldn't stop thinking what Dr. Quentin had said before he left.

 

I take things too serious? Elliot made a mistake and I'm feeling hurt, that means I'm taking it too serious? Am I not supposed to?

 

He rested his head next to the side window of the car and stared blankly at the outside crowd. He loved Elliot, the past two years of course was not all bad, they had traveled, spent most of the time together, their longest break was one month when Elliot had to leave for Spain for a program exchange, but Keith had visited him during his academic weekends. Keith once could be very comfortable without Elliot being around all the time because he had lots of activities himself also, such as being invited to art gallery opening, new painting projects, and of course tones of friends and parties to attend. He had never been lonely. These activities did not change, but one thing had changed, as their relationship developed, he started to feel more and more lonely when Elliot was not around, and he started to notice how distant Elliot sometimes can make him feel, or had it been always like this but he was too occupied too see? He had been feeling more and more stressful lately with Elliot, and he refused to show Elliot any of the signs. He didn't want to be the troubled child. He had really tried to be more involved with Elliot but the more he tried the more distant he felt, and he felt ashamed of himself for being to clingy. Especially lately he thought Elliot was purposely avoiding him, for two weeks they had only met for dinner two times, and last weekend was the first time they had spent the night together in two weeks, which unfortunately he could not even remember most part of it. He felt angry at Elliot, so many times when he looked at him, he could feel a ghost of confusion and sorrow in his eyes, but he just concluded that it was musicians’ common problem to be sentimental for playing good music. He had wanted to end this relationship a few times but he could not convince himself to leave Elliot’s smile behind. It was the first time he felt so deeply in love, and it sucked.

 

The image of Elliot being cornered by another guy pushed into Keith’s head again and he shivered. He did not know what to believe now, the thought was leaving Elliot seemed impossible, it had been so long and Elliot had become part of his life, only the thought of never seeing Elliot again made his heart clench. There had been more unpleasant experiences between he and Elliot lately, and each time his heart sank deeper in the cold darkness, each time the light faded away a little more from hope. He thought he was fighting for love by sticking with Elliot, but now he felt he was fighting against his heart, a battle that was doomed to fail.

 

Keith felt like all the confusions were adding up into a time bomb, but he had to keep them inside, he didn't want to bore this relationship with all his sentiments, he was trying, wasn't that enough from his side? And had he felt hurt, weren't other people supposed to notice it, especially people who were close to him? Keith felt wrong to tell anyone how painful he felt inside, and tonight the argument with Dustin wouldn't have happened if there hadn't been alcohol involved. Damn alcohol. But Keith felt a bit more comfortable to have the alcohol to blame rather than admitting his sentimental side.

 

“Hubert,” Keith said to his driver, “do you mind driving through the city for awhile longer, you may choose any way you like.”

 

“Of course Mr. Keith,” Hubert responded, and looked at Keith through the rear-view mirror. “Is everything ok, Mr. Keith?” Hubert asked with genuine concern.

 

“Not really,” Keith responded absentmindedly, he took out his cellphone and clicked on the screen, no missed phone calls, no messages. He went through his text message menu and clicked on Elliot MB, their last text message was about a message Keith had written to Elliot the day before the party in Amsterdam.

 

 “If I were the reason of your smile today, even if just for a short second, then my day becomes meaningful” with a reply from Elliot “Thanks sweetheart, you were ”

 

Keith remembered he had not felt satisfied with Elliot’s reply and thought he had not replied in a more appreciative way, then similar memories all rushed back and Keith switched off the screen of his phone, attempting the switch off the memories also.

 

He felt exhausted, he felt like giving up, but he could not, he loved Elliot too much.

 

“Mr. Keith.”

 

Hubert’s voice broke Keith’s string of thoughts.

 

“Yes Hubert?”

 

“I know I should not be asking, but because I usually finish my shift very late, and since you have no destination in mind, would you mind if I drive to a flower shop to buy some flowers for my wife and my new born girl?”

 

Hubert’s words brought more sorrow to Keith, other people’s kindness reminded him the lack of kindness he desired from the person he loved.

 

“I am sorry for asking,” Hubert saw Keith gave no respond and added hurriedly, “It is just because they are still lying in the hospital, and every day when I finish my shift the flower shops are closed.”

 

Hubert moved to London with his wife from countryside few years ago, Keith realized that was all he knew about his driver, he did not even know that Hubert just had a daughter.

 

“What happened to them?” Keith asked.

 

“Mr. Keith, my wife just gave birth to my girl two nights ago, she is very weak the doctors said it would be better for her to stay in the hospital for some extra days, and my girl was diagnosed with a trisomy 21 before she was born but we both have made the decision to welcome her to our family, but my wife now feels guilty and is very depressed, so I wish to bring her some flowers, maybe they will cheer her up a little.”

 

Keith felt sorry for Hubert, but from Hubert’s voice he could not hear any hint of complain or blame.

 

“Yes of course,” Keith said to Hubert, “we can visit a flower shop, we may bring it to the hospital now, she might be surprised.” Keith was happy to do something that would keep his mind off of Elliot for awhile.

 

“That’s great!” Hubert’s voice were grateful and his face beamed with joy. “Thank you so much Mr. Keith!”

 

Twenty minutes later Hubert parked the car in front of the hospital his wife and daughter were sleeping in, he carefully took the bunch of roses in his hand as if it were his new born daughter. Keith followed him from behind.

 

After entering the hospital, Hubert greeted the old lady at the reception desk and intended to walk to the elevator but the old lady stopped them.

 

“Hubert!”

 

Hubert stopped and turned around, “Yes Irene?”

 

“Is that the flower for your wife?” Irene asked and Hubert and Keith looked puzzled.

 

“Yes, I just bought them from the flower shop, they are beautiful ain't they?” Hubert said happily.

 

“Oh Hubert,” Irene’s eyes softened, “I’m afraid you can not take that flower to your wife’s ward, your baby girl might be allergic to it, even though the pollen is inside the rose and not exposed but there is still a risk for new born babies, according to the hospital policy, flowers are not allowed in burn unit, an intensive care ward or has a new baby. I’m sorry Hubert.”

 

Hubert looked disappointed, Keith felt very sorry for him, he remembered the commitment that had shown on Hubert’s face when he was picking the flowers in the flower shop.

 

“Can he at least show his wife the flower?” Keith asked Irene.

 

“It’s the hospital policy, I’m sorry there is nothing I can do, but I’m sure your wife will be just as happy and touched about the idea.” Irene said regretfully.

 

Hubert was silent for a few seconds, he had been thinking about buying flowers for his wife for days, and he never had gotten the chance. Eventually he took a deep breath and brightened up then said to Irene, “I’ll just go leave the flowers in the car then.”

 

“We can still go up and see your wife and daughter if you want.” Keith said to Hubert when they were out of the hospital.

 

“If that’s no problem for you, Mr. Keith, I know I am still on my duty hour.” Hubert opened the car and left the flower in the back.

 

“It’s fine,” Keith smiled encouragingly, “I have no plan for today, besides I would like to send my wishes to your wife and daughter.”

 

Hubert thanked Keith and they returned in the hospital, Irene casted them another apologetical smile and they walked to the elevator which took them to Hubert’s wife’s ward.

 

Hubert looked through the glass window on the door of his wife’s ward, and saw her sitting on her bed with her arms held around their baby daughter. Hubert smiled and pushed the door open.

 

“Hey sweetheart.” Hubert surprised his wife by showing up at this time and went up to give his wife and his baby daughter a kiss.

 

“Ain’t you supposed to be at work?” His wife asked but there was no light in her eyes.

 

“Mr. Keith was kind enough to give me a break so I can come here. Mr. Keith, this is my wife Maya, Maya, this is Mr. Keith.” Hubert introduced them.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Keith smiled politely and stood next to Maya, “I wish you will get well soon. She is beautiful.” Maya seemed shy and was not sure what to do because she had her daughter around her arms, so she thanked Keith with an overcautious and weary smile.

 

“Sweetheart, I brought you flower, but Irene told me it might not be good for our baby, so I will leave it at our home and it will be waiting for you.” Hubert sat next to Maya and kissed her on the forehead, and tenderly caressed his baby girl.

 

Maya smiled weakly at her husband, her eyes were still covered with a ghost of sorrow.

 

Hubert and Keith stayed for another five minutes, Keith noticed that Hubert could not hide the contented smile on his face during his whole stay. Keith looked at the genuine smile and reminded himself something he had lost for too long.

 

“Hubert, do you mind if I ask you something personal?” On their way back in the car, Keith asked Hubert.

 

“No Mr. Keith.”

 

“Are you worried about your wife and daughter?”

 

“Mr. Keith, I’m worried about them every single second, but I know Maya is feeling the same and she is not doing so well at the moment, I wish to encourage her and make her feel stronger.”

 

“You looked so happy when we were with them.”

 

Hubert was silent for a few second. “I know the situation for my family is not ideal, but when my wife and daughter smile it's like a glimpse of heaven! And I’m sure my heart will be filled with joy every time my daughter reaches next developmental milestone, and when the true smile returns on Maya’s face.”

 

“I wish all the best for you and your family, if there is anything you need please don’t hesitate to let me know.” Keith said genuinely.

 

“Thank you Mr. Keith.” Hubert said appreciatively. “Would you like me to drive a bit longer in the city, or you wish to get back now?”

 

“We can go back now,” Said Keith, he thought for a second then said again, “and you may finish your work early today after we get back, I will ask Albert to arrange another driver for the next three days, you should spend more time with your wife and daughter, they need you now, I’m sure you would like to be with them also. Don’t worry about your payment, it will be still covered during these three days.”

 

“Oh Mr. Keith, that is very kind of you. I thank you for my wife and daughter.” said Hubert gratefully and smiled more brightly.

 

That smile, it struck Keith again. It looked so genuine, so full of joy. He closed his eyes again and thought about Elliot’s smile and reminded the sunshine Elliot had casted on him with his smile, but that happened less and less often now, he missed it, but he also missed his own smile.

 

*

 

Elliot sat quietly in his room, his hand clutched on a wrinkled photo, two young boys were laughing happily in the photo, Elliot looked at least a few years younger there. He then took out another photo under the wrinkled one, it was a new one, on it was him and Keith, they were smiling, he looked happy.