Letting Go - 16. Chapter 16

It had been one week, one day before Christmas eve, but Elliot still had not waken up, the coma seemed to deepen, together with the sorrow in those loved ones. Keith had barely left the hospital except going back to his place for shower and fresh cloth, every day and night he sat next to Keith, talking to him, whispering him things, making sketches of the life he imagined to have with Elliot after he woke up, he held hope tight within himself and he knew Elliot would return.

 

Keith woke up alone next to Elliot’s bed today morning, pieces of sketches scattered on the floor, Elliot’s parents had to leave because of one important conference before Christmas, but had asked Keith to call them immediately if any thing happened no matter how small. Justina had to leave London with her parents for Christmas break but promised to call every day. Many of Elliot’s friends and teachers had come for visit in the beginning but eventually less and less people showed up from Elliot’s school. Erasmo had come to visit for the first time yesterday but Keith was still extremely mad at him and had told him to leave.

 

On Christmas eve, which had been the most depressing one in Keith’s life, his parents could not make it to come back from France, Keith didn't even bother to tell his parents about Elliot's accident but they had heard it from Hayden, who had come back from Shanghai and had been very supportive, but it did not make Keith feel any better. He went to the hospital with his sister after a quick dinner and found Elliot’s parents were there already.

 

“Maybe Christmas will bring miracle.” Hayden said sincerely.

 

Elliot’s parents gave her an appreciative smile, they were hoping for the same thing. Everyone in this room was.

 

But Christmas did not bring them the miracle everyone wished for, one month after Christmas, apart from Elliot still being in coma, his body had recovered mostly, other than that nothing else had changed. Physicians would come to Elliot and massage his muscle to stop it from shrinking, but the scene made Keith feel even more helpless because he found it tortuous to watch when the physicians work on his loved one like he was only a combinations of human body parts.

 

*

 

“What is going to happen to you?” Elliot asked Jasper, they were sitting down under a black tree, there were no leaves on it but black naked sharp branches.

 

“What do you mean?” Jasper asked.

 

“If I let you go.”

 

“I will live on, here.” Jasper rested his hand on Elliot’s chest where his heart was, “as alway, but I will not cause you any pain, I will send you strength, and I will send you hope.”

 

“But I still have so much to talk to you,” Elliot’s face saddened again, “There are still so many things I wish to do with you.”

 

“And you will,” Jasper smiled, “and I will feel it through Keith, let the love live on, move on from the grief. Give love another chance, and give yourself and Keith another chance, you deserve it.” Jasper paused for a second, then said, “Come with me, I would like to show you something.”

 

Jasper took Elliot’s hand and they walked for about ten minutes before a rapid ink black river appeared in front of them. And on that river half of a bridge was built from the other side of the bank.

 

“What is this?” Elliot asked.

 

“It is the river of past, of your past, of our past.” Jasper said to Elliot.

 

Elliot looked at the river and then looked at the half built bridge.

 

“What is past is past,” Jasper said, “there is no bridge you can not cross, on the other side is the future, he is waiting for you on the other side of the river, Keith has built half of the bridge above the river with his heart, all you need to do is open up yours and connect the bridge before the other half collapses, then you would lose this chance of stepping into the new future if you keep hanging onto the past in agony.

 

“You don’t need to forget about us to cross the river,” Jasper squeezed Elliot's hand, “Past is wealth, use it, make yourself stronger from it, make our past into something positive, make our memories beautiful. If you can love again freely then I’ll be truly blessed and I’ll finally be able to be released from my pain as well together with yours. You are not betraying me, you are not betraying love, step to the other side, for such a long time I have been the reason of your sorrow, I wish that to change, I don't wish to be the reason why the smile has disappeared from your face, you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, it's a huge loss for so many people if it doesn't return," Jasper wiped the tears away from Elliot's face, "I wish to be the stars to reflect your sunshine, not the dark cloud to cloak it. You have the choice to give meanings to our story, baby, make the right choice, give us a meaning that brings back the sunshine."

 

*

 

Keith came to the hospital today to see Elliot, his school was sending him away for three weeks in Warsaw for a training program Keith had applied since the beginning of the semester. He did not want to go but Hayden told him that it was only three weeks, Warsaw wasn't far way from London and she promised to call Keith everyday about Elliot’s condition.

 

“There is nothing you can do when you are here,” Hayden had said to Keith, “You should go out and relax a bit.”

 

Keith walked to Elliot’s bed, Elliot’s mom was there, he asked her if he could be alone with Elliot for a moment, she nodded and walked out of the room to get some coffee. Keith sat down next to Elliot and touched his face gently, there was no bandage wrapped around Elliot anymore, the nurses had taken the last one away two weeks ago.

 

“I need to leave for three weeks,” Keith whispered to Elliot and touched his boyfriend's face tenderly “But it’s not goodbye, don't you let it become goodbye, I’m coming back right after I finish my program. I love you sweetheart, please come back to me, I'm so sorry for how I have behaved and I'm sorry to have bring you to this condition, day and night I can't stop blaming myself and I can't stop thinking how many things I could have done in a different way and our story would have turned out totally different. Baby we will travel again, you will play violin for me again under the stars, and this time I will understand the love behind every melody sent from your finger. During the time you are lying here, I have thought a lot about us for the past two years, everything seemed so clear to me now and I wish I were better. I want to become a better person for you and for us only, not that I learn something from us and become a better person for the next one. You are my inspiration of life, and you are my hope of living. I miss all the big things and small things between us, I miss the way you touch my hair, I miss the way you kiss me on my forehead, I miss when you cuddle with me in the bed and shout ‘octopus attack’, I miss when we fight whose turn it is now to hug another before we go to sleep, I miss when we dance wildly to the music, I miss when you hold my hand, and I miss your smile, I miss me being the reason of your smile. Please don't take those away from us, don’t let all those become past, please wake up... Please don’t give up on us... Give us another chance, let me show you that we can walk through this, we will come back to each other stronger than before, whatever that is broken, we will piece them back together. I felt you were distant, that's because you are the only person to whom I feel I belong, sweetheart, for my whole life I have been running away from feelings, I thought I was cursed and there is no place in this world where I could call home, but you gave me hope, you are the one who have given me my chance to get a glimpse of heaven, I love you sweetheart, I love you so much, so please... please...”