Letting Go - 18. Chapter 18

Keith woke up with a sudden sensation of falling, he kept his eyes closed with grievous determination, and remembered the gentle push Elliot had put on his heart. He felt an excruciating pain sent from his chest to his whole body, and clenched onto the bed sheet with a disguised feeling of desperation which now turned into despair. The falling sensation continued but Keith gave up on any temptation of opening his eyes because even though the falling made him feel nauseous, the reality would feed on this nausea and tear him into pieces.

 

Eyebrows were pulled together and Keith opened his mouth gasping for air, or to shout to this brutal world, but neither the air flew in, nor the sound came out. Finally a choked cry escaped Keith’s throat like that of a wounded beast, and tears ran down his face, leaving not only marks on his face, but also scars in his heart.

 

The show in the club. Elliot in his tuxedo. The violin play. The walk in the city Warsaw. Every single recollection tortured him, every piece of reality tore him apart.

 

Finally enough courage were collected, or maybe the effort of escaping the pain was just meaningless, Keith opened his eyes and every molecules of light pierced through his vision. He lied in his bed, alone, he was still in the cloth he had worn last night in the club, he pushed his elbow against the bed and tried to sit up, his head spun faster and he was about to faint as he gained the vertical position, he rubbed his eyes and saw the room was a mess, he must have managed to knock down everything on the way from the door to the bed. Keith rested his forehead in his palm to take a moment to register the reality, threw away the cover on his body and stepped on the floor to go to the bathroom, only to find himself standing in his own vomit.

 

Keith’s lips trembled but swallowed the curse he was about to shout, instead he just took off his T-shirt and cleaned his feet, then walked in the bathroom.

 

He looked at himself in the mirror and just wanted to cry, he remembered telling himself moments ago in the dream when he had pushed Elliot around the city of Warsaw “This is happening, this is your new reality now, it is not a dream, accept the bless, and make everything better from now on, you are granted with a second chance, take it, guard it, don’t let it go.” But now the irony, the bloody irony, the bloody reality, the fucking play of his drunken brain to let him convince himself that a dream was not a dream in the dream. Keith punched in the wall hard, he cursed at the betrayal of his own mind, and cursed at his life, he looked up in tears at the stranger in the mirror who seemed to be mocking him ruthlessly, and he punched hard in the wall again.

 

Under the pile of winter jacket and scarf next to the hotel bed, Keith’s phone started to ring, the caller name showed it was from Hayden. But the sound of the water from the bathroom muffled the ring. Some people say, you know you are in love when you can't fall asleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams, but would that still be true for Keith?