Live, Love, Lose - 25. Chapter 25

For the first time ever since he had followed Paul outside, he left the house, all on his own, his hands buried in his pockets as he mostly looked down.

The streets were rather crowded, but it was as if he were all alone, or as if he were only a ghost. Even if he were to bump into someone, he wasn’t sure they would even notice.

He walked until he arrived at an old and disused warehouse in the South of the City. It was a huge building, so much so that you could put up dozens of families in it. But who would like to live in such a grim and ugly place? No one would. No one who was normal and decent. Only fools and madmen could accept living here.

Rumour had it that it had been a prosperous warehouse until it became bankrupt following the Great Depression.

There was only the sound of his footsteps echoing that could be heard as he crossed it. He went to the upper floor.

It wasn’t just any building. It was the place where he had had his first sexual experience ever. With him. They had been the only fools to squat in here.

He had never been interested in girls. Even as a child. They had never caught his eyes, no matter how pretty some of them could have been. But he became well aware throughout time of his keen interest in boys. One lingering stare at boys and men he knew he could never have, a thing that almost got him into trouble more than once. Unlike what most people said or thought, it was actually quite hard to know and say which men were into men or not just by observing them. It’s not as if it were written on their faces in capital letters.

But there were some exceptions. Like Paul. He had had the occasion to witness many times how flirty he always was with plenty of girls. He reminded him much of him in this regard. He did love girls, no one could deny that or claim otherwise. He could remember getting jealous once he had realised and acknowledged his feelings for him. He had caused many arguments just because of it. He had never been one to like arguments; he had always been the one to ease the tension, make the whole matter seem like it was no big deal. And they had always ended up making up with sex every time. Peace would last for a while until he caught him again flirting with new girls. He just wasn’t the one love and monogamous type of bloke. He was quite libertine. And opened to various types of experiences. Like buggering males.

Okay, he had kept watching random men he would run into, but it’s not as if he had flirted with them; so it didn’t count. This was only human. Everyone did this. This was just casual and fleeting. There was no harm in admiring handsome creatures. And just because some men were very good looking didn’t mean they could be someone you would have a serious love affair with.

Look, Paul’s best friend, Arthur, was a really handsome man. But he was as posh and uptight as he was handsome. Everything he hated. He really wondered how Paul could still be friends with a bloke like him. They were polar opposites. Neither did he know how the bloke could enjoy Paul’s company. This was a real mystery, about which he would probably never have the answer.

He knew it was wrong to look at men this way, and much worse to have sexual relations with them.

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination .

Those words he had read and heard over and over again. It was so frustrating to be a part of a minority that was despised and belittled and hated by the majority. To hear that you were sick and twisted, and considered more dangerous than any of all the worst criminals.

But he had always made it feel alright, as normal as being into girls. It was both strange and fascinating how he had the power to change any serious matter into something trivial for the better.

But now that he was gone, it felt worse than ever to be labelled as a bugger. He had never chosen to like and be aroused by men. He just couldn’t help it. It wasn’t his fault. Why did this kind of thing have to happen to him? Why?

He was well aware that he was far from being the only one; but there was one chance in one million that he would be one of them, and it fell on him, like a piano that crashes on the ground and kills the person that happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

He took a good look at his surroundings as he stopped right in the middle of the room. It still looked the same as the last time he had come. Bare, dusty, dirty, and a bit smelly.

But the only difference was that he could never be here with him ever again, and share moments, good and bad, like the ones they had. He would never come back. That mere thought made his eyes all watery. He bit his lower lip hard as they started shaking uncontrollably. That thought was weird and scary, and the sensation that was associated with it was all the more so horrible. No matter how hard he would try every time, he could never hold them back that long. They always ended up winning; making him hate himself a little bit more each day for letting all his vulnerability take over his whole being.

Besides weeping wouldn’t bring him back to life. He had to keep that in mind.

His silent tears quickly turned into loud sobs.

“Nathan…”

It became twice as bad. He had to close his eyes as the whole sight was coming more and more unbearable to see.

“Why…” his voice was so shaky that he could hardly utter it properly. “Why…why did you leave me…?”

He was sobbing so much that his snot was flowing relentlessly from his rad and aching nose, only to slide between his parted lips and fall into his mouth. No matter how hard he sniffed to try to hold it back, it was as useless as with the tears. But he actually didn’t care; he just ended up swallowing it as if it were some eatable substance. They just mixed up with his tears, so he didn’t make any difference between the two.

“Why?!” He shouted at the top of his lungs. “What did I do to deserve this…?”

He must have done something wrong. There couldn’t be any other explanation.

That was it. That was because of it. This was all because of his deviant behaviour. A shiver ran through his whole body and he froze in his spot. And to punish them both, the holy heavens made Nathan die, and let him live so he would suffer until the end of his life. The kind of torture that was a thousand times worse than death itself.

Now he was truly ready to start believing in God because of this. His body wouldn’t stop shivering.

It was a kind of warning in a way. If he kept having this kind of kink, who knows what might happen in the future. He didn’t want to know.

No. He wasn’t going to let that happen ever again. He could be normal too. He could change. He was going to change.

His tears finally died down as his fierce determination became stronger than any of his weaknesses and flaws.

He could be like him.