Live, Love, Lose - 56. Chapter 56

Soon the snow was all over the place, covering everything with its beautiful white mantle.

At least it concealed all the damage that had been caused, even though it didn’t enable anyone to forget.

They were still staying at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins’s parents. They had been lucky that none of them had been hurt or killed, and that the house was still intact. But overnight, it could be destroyed. Karl wouldn’t let his illusions comfort him. He didn’t want to believe in anything anymore. He didn’t hope anymore. He always feared the worst.

One evening after dinner, Karl put his arms around George with the intention to kiss him, but as he was about to seal their lips together, George brutally pushed him away. He was shocked, to say the least. He couldn’t understand what got into his mind. Had he done something wrong and hadn’t realised it? Probably. He reminisced all the times they had had together until now, but there was nothing he could find…

He silently questioned him with a mere look.

“It’s over between us.”

He wasn’t sure he understood well what he had just said.

“O…ove…”

“Over! O-ver! Fini! Aus! The end! Do you get it?”

Karl was at a loss for words. He was confused. Why was he so angry suddenly?

“I don’t want you to touch or approach me anymore! From now onwards, we stay away from each other.”

It took him some time to figure out what he meant, and it made the shock only greater.

“Why?” He could only ask. “Why now? What did I do?”

“I just got tired of you. And I’m sure I can find someone much better than you for sex.”

He couldn’t be serious.

After everything they had gone through together, he couldn’t end their relationship just like that, because he decided he had enough of it. It just seemed like a whim, a passing urge.

Karl knew he had accepted that in the beginning to help George get better; he didn’t forget this. But time had passed, and he just felt he wasn’t ready to accept this sudden change.

It hurt. He couldn’t explain why, but it really did. He thought they had been making good progress, but if he decided to stop everything and that things would go back to the way they had been when they first met, it meant this was totally pointless in the end, how their relationship had been evolving. Their progress would be reduced to ashes.

“We’ll just have to pretend everything is still normal because I don’t want anyone to suspect anything. It won’t last that long anyway. I’ll leave soon. As soon as December is over. But we’ll sleep in separate beds, as we were supposed to when we first moved in here.”

Over…he couldn’t help loathing that word.

His jaw clenched mechanically.

“I gave you my blood; I gave myself to you; I gave you my trust. And that’s how you’re thanking me now?”

George looked impassive as if his words had absolutely no effect on him. He didn’t care. He didn’t care anymore.

Something in him broke.

“I didn’t ask you anything! I didn’t ask you to save me. I didn’t force you to start a relationship with me. And you didn’t have to give me your trust. If you want to get laid, just go out and find someone before it’s too late! Go find that girl that hit on you last time at the pub!”

Karl was at a loss for words again. He glanced away. He was feeling like a real idiot.

Couldn’t he be nice to him once in his life?

“You know what? I just wish I had never met you. You’re just a nuisance. I really hope Danish people are not all like you. But at least you gave me what I needed when I needed it.”

Karl could feel a sudden change in him, wildness running through his veins. This was too much to take. He had been having too much of his behaviour. Yes, he had had his moments of vulnerability, but it didn’t matter anymore. He wouldn’t take that into account. He didn’t want to care for him anymore.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be a nuisance anymore if that’s what you want. And you know what? I should have leave you die.”

His words were like venom. Brutal like the bite, but would slowly destroy him. Or so he hoped.

George didn’t retort anything, but he wouldn’t show how he was feeling inside. It was impressive, this capacity he had to remain stoic so easily; he had to grant that to him.

He stormed out of the room, and just went into the spare room that was supposed to be temporarily his. He sat on the bed none too gently and just remained still. He knew it had been a bad idea. He should have never got involved in such a thing. He wasn’t just an idiot for doing this. He was totally reckless.

But how could he have done that to him, after everything he had done for him? How?

He hated him. He hated him for making him feel that way right now.

Why had he cared for him in the first place? Seriously. He didn’t deserve his help, attention, and care. It wasn't worth it. He just had the impression to have lost his time, a lot of his time.

He needed to stop thinking about it, about him. Or else it would end up driving him crazy. He lied in bed and tried to get some sleep, even though he felt it wouldn’t be easy.

He really hated him.

*

That night, during the rare moment when he dozed off, he had another vision. It was very brief, and in that one, he didn’t die because Mímir stabbed himself, but because the other youth stabbed him unexpectedly.

It definitely couldn’t be a coincidence. Could that be Mímir wasn't just an invention of his own mind and what he lived was real and he could see through his eyes? It was really creepy if such was the case.

He just wanted all those visions to stop. He wanted Mímir to leave him alone, to disappear. He didn’t want to have anything to do with George anymore. He just wished he could forget all about him.

But why did he put an end to something that worked well and benefited both of them? Seriously?

What they had had, he had liked it; it hadn’t been only his interpretation. He should really stop torturing himself with all these thoughts. It was pointless. It wouldn’t change anything. But he couldn’t. He had already dedicated too much of his time for him; he didn’t need to plague his thoughts.

But did it really matter in the end? It seemed to be such a trivial and insignificant thing compared to what was happening outside.

People were dying every night, the city was still being destroyed, pain and suffering were everywhere. So this wasn’t really the right time to be selfish and think about how he had been rejected.

Wait.

A thought suddenly crossed his mind. If Germans bombarded the city continuously, logically the British should fight back and bombard them.

He had a sudden realisation. If he contributed to the war effort, he wouldn’t be helpless and useless anymore. Why hadn’t he thought about it sooner?

If he could help end the war, he shouldn’t hesitate. If he could help free his country from the foreign invasion, then he was more than willing to take part in the war. It had already been eight months since he had left home…

He had to do it.

Now that George didn’t need him anymore, nothing was holding him back from going.

But maybe he would have to talk about it with Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins first. He couldn’t just go without letting them know anyway.

No, maybe he had to really think it through before that, to make sure he wouldn’t change his mind later. He felt he made that decision too quickly. He had plenty of time to think about it anyway.

He didn’t have to make it today. He could wait to go.

Making a hasty decision wasn’t good at all.

*
A few days later, during another evening, he went to see Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins who were sitting in the living room. He approached them silently. He still wasn’t sure how he should say it, what to say exactly. He guessed it was needless to try to make a speech. One sentence would be enough. A simple sentence.

He cleared his throat to get their attention.

They looked at him, ready to listen to what he had to tell them.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

His voice was grave, but well, he couldn’t say he was really happy about it. But he had to do it. He was determined more than he had ever been for anything else. Nothing they would say could make him change his mind.

“What is it, dear?” Mrs. Hopkins asked him, looking curious more than anything else.

He wasn’t sure why, but the words had trouble getting out of his mouth. He could hear his own heartbeat. He was stressed. He somehow feared their reaction. If it was a thing they considered he should have done much earlier, they would have sent him to war themselves.

He waited for a few instants, trying to breathe in and out slowly.

“Carl?”

Oh no. She was starting to look concerned now. Well done. That’s not what he wanted.

“I want to go to war.”

They didn’t react. There was only the sheer shock that could be read on their faces. The silence lasted for quite a while, and it became awkward. Karl tried to think about something else to say that could help, but it was hard to find. Maybe if he tried to justify his choice… No, it was obvious enough, wasn’t it?

“You…you what?” Mrs. Hopkins said hesitantly, looking almost suspicious.

He swallowed heavily. He had the impression that something was stuck in his throat.

“I want to go to war,” he repeated without wavering at all.

There was another long moment of silence.

He saw how their shocked faces crumpled. His heart and stomach couldn’t stand it. He had never wanted to upset them. But there was way too much at stake not to react and do something.

“But…we…we cannot let you go to fight. It is too dangerous. You are only a youth. You are not going to risk your life just for a war, are you? It is certainly not a cause worth fighting for,” Mrs. Hopkins replied.

They won’t allow him to go. But his determination was fierce. But at the same time, he didn’t want to argue with them and raise his voice. He could never do that.

“I nid to go. I want to help my country.”

He really liked living with them. But he couldn’t choose comfort and well-being in such a situation. Not anymore.

His words were followed by another moment of silence, but shorter this time.

He had the impression that he had been blind for too long. About what the stakes of this war really were.

“Listen, Carl. We can understand that you want to help get your country free. It is only natural. You have been away from your home for so long. But even if you go to fight, it may not help at all. This war can last for another long while.”

“I don’t care! I want to go!”

He was shocked as he realised what he had just said, and especially the way he said it. He couldn’t recognise himself. It wasn’t him. It was like that time after he had that vision about the tattoos and that he had broken the mirror. The mirror that had been replaced three days later and no one had ever said a word about it.

He wanted to apologise, but he was feeling too ashamed to utter a single word. It was awful. He didn’t even look at them anymore.

“Robert. Please explain to him what war is really like. That is the only way he will understand he must not go.”

She sounded desperate as she spoke.

“I will just go make some tea meanwhile.”

It was silent afterwards. And it made him even more anxious.

“Carl, please, come and have a seat.”

He didn’t sound angry. Of course, they wouldn’t. That’s just the way they are. But he couldn’t help feeling bad.

“Carl, it is alright. I know what it is. I experienced that in the past too. Come.”

He shyly glanced at him and hesitated for a little while. But he ended up getting closer to him and sitting next to him. He waited for him to speak.

“You may or may not know it, but I, myself, fought in the First World War. That is why I would never wish for someone to fight in this war or another. I…I am not really keen on giving too many details. But you really need to understand why this would be the worst decision of your life. I am doing this only for your own good. We only want to protect you.”

Karl just looked at him wordlessly. He remembered Paul mentioning his father fighting in the first war. But it was true that he knew absolutely nothing about it.

“A country is not worth sacrificing human lives. This is the most important thing to remember.”

He explained to him what war really was. Karl listened to him attentively. He knew he was trying to talk him out of it. And he knew what he risked. But even with everything Mr. Hopkins told him, he wouldn’t change his mind. His determination was still as fierce as before. He wasn’t afraid to die. He was aware they only wanted to protect him like his family would. But he didn’t need to be protected. He was big enough to fend for himself, to make his own decisions. Even if they were bad decisions. At least they were his. He knew for sure that if he kept staying here watching helplessly the city and its inhabitants getting harmed, it would drive him crazy.

But he still didn’t want to upset them.

“I’m sorry. But I want to go.”

He could try over and over again to talk him out of it, and so could Mrs. Hopkins or anyone else.

It wouldn’t change anything.

His decision was made.

Hello!  
So yeah, that's brutal and unexpected.... but George being aggressive again only means creating distance to avoid suffering. Keep in mind that he doesn't want to fall in love anymore, he can't. He's not ready yet, so please be indulgent with him! 
Besides, apparently, you shouldn't let a character get what he wants (or what he doesn't know he wants yet) too easily.... 
So don't worry, it's not the end yet! 
Take care ❤️