After The Past - 9. Chapter 9

After The Past

Chapter 9

I didn’t move. That kiss, those lips, his so very sexy body, so close to me and I’d reacted. I wanted him; my body wanted him.

“Terry, we can’t … I mean you’re my best friend’s son. And Jae … no.”

He regarded me with deep-brown, soulful eyes which held only kindness. “I know it’s too soon Dave, but it just happened. And as to being Barry’s son, yes I am, but I’m twenty-five years old.”

“And I’m thirty-seven!”

He chuckled. “That too old for me then? I mean Jae was twenty-four!”

Terry moved by me to hang up his shirt. “Dave. I don’t expect anything right now. But I want you to know I’m very interested. I like you and I never told you before because I wasn’t sure and I was too scared you might not be gay. I gave up when I saw how much Jae meant to you. I just didn’t want to wait too long before I showed you how I feel this time. I didn’t want the opportunity to pass us by.” He turned back to me and smiled warmly, his finger again on my sternum. “And … I know you liked it; I could feel it. I’m going up to change now.”

I watched him walk away from me. I wanted to follow him and finish what we’d started, but that would be stupid. It was just physical and I’d had so much more than that with Jae. If I was going to do this again, and with Barry’s son, it would have to be so much more than just physical too. But Terry was right; I had liked it.

Shaking my head I climbed the stairs and walked down the hall to my room—our room. I paused at the door, my heart rate climbing; I think I groaned because Terry was there beside me.

“It’s okay, Dave.”

I nodded and reached out for the doorknob, slowly turning it. I pushed the door open. There was the bed—our bed, as it had become after years of just being mine. I wasn’t sure it could ever just be mine again.

After a moment I stepped into the room. In the corner was a box I didn’t recognize, I turned around to Terry.

“Dave, it’s Jae’s things. What he’d left at our place. I brought it over just after he went away. I can move it if you want me to.”

“No, no. It’s okay, thank you. I’ll just leave everything for now. I’ll change and come down.”

“Okay. I’ll start dinner.” He smiled at me, turned and went downstairs.

I pulled off my soaking denims, hung them on the chair back, and found a pair of old sweatpants. I sat on the bed to pull them on. I let myself lay down and pulled Jae’s pillow into my arms. His scent was faintly there and I couldn’t stop my tears and the anguish I felt. I let myself weep, for him and what I’d lost.

I guess I’d fallen asleep. The backdoor slamming woke me. It was black outside and in my room. I felt cold and achy because I’d fallen asleep with no blanket or shirt. I fumbled for the lantern next to my bed and lit it after several minutes of cursing the matches.

Tantalizing odors drifted into the room and my stomach rumbled in response. I found a warm shirt, and taking the lantern with me, went downstairs to find Terry in the kitchen.

I stood at the doorway watching him at the counter and stove. It smelled like he was cooking chili.

“Hey.” I spoke softly, not wanting to spook him.

He turned, his eyes smiling. “Hey. You okay? I figured you fell asleep. Sit, I’ll get us some food in a few minutes. It’s only chili, but you’re getting my special treatment.”

“Oh yeah, and what’s that?”

“You’ll see.”

I watched him take a bowl, spoon in some beans and then fiddle with another pot on the stove. He picked something up from the pot and put in the bowl, and then he prepared a second serving. From the oven he took warm toast and then carried it all over to the table.

“Thanks,” I said as he placed a bowl in front of me. The chili smelled good, except for—“Is that an egg?”

“Yep, just poached. It’ll be nice and runny. Just bust it open with your spoon or toast and enjoy.”

I guess he saw the doubt in my eyes, as he gazed at me, put down his spoon and said, “Dave, just try it.”

Grinning, I picked up my utensil, cut into the egg and watched the yolk spread. I took a spoonful—it wasn’t too bad! Even better with toast. “It’s actually good.”

“Hmm, you don’t need to sound quite that surprised!”

“Sorry, it’s the toast triangles that are throwing me off.”

Laughing, he explained his mother had always cut his toast that way. He just did what came naturally.

We cleaned up after dinner and stacked the dishes ready for morning. It was still pouring and Terry had been out earlier to feed and settle the animals. So I was a bit worried about what we’d do through the rest of the evening, given what had already happened between us.

But the evening was comfortable and companionable. We played cribbage and chess, and we were evenly matched, so each of us won our fair share.

I pulled out the book I’d found and presented it to Terry.

“Oh, this is great; thank you, Dave.”

I smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”

We drank some heated milk and discussed what I’d want to do next with the farm.

“Well, I think I’d like to go ahead and keep some bees, so we have honey,” I said.

“That’s good. We need a few more people willing to do that. I think I’m going to go and hunt for some puppies in the spring. I’ve seen some dog scat in the hills, and I’d love a dog. I’ve got a book about raising puppies back home. Guess people stopped keeping dogs so much when it got hard to feed them.”

“Seems to me dogs could be a big help, guarding the place and maybe the animals.”

We chatted until the clock chimed ten o’clock. Terry got to his feet and put the games away. “I’m going to take Mersey and Brandy in the morning.”

“You sure you don’t need any help?”

“Nope, I’m good. I do all the breeding for Dad.” He walked to the hall doorway and stopped. “Sad though, that the stallions get more than I do. Night, Dave.”

“Night, Terry.” I knew how he felt; until Jae, it had been me and my imagination.

The morning sun rolled over me and I woke feeling refreshed and better than I had for some time. I heard Terry in the kitchen and dressed quickly to run downstairs.

“Hey, good morning, Dave!” Terry grabbed another mug and poured me a cup of coffee. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” I sipped our new chicory blend. Cathy had picked and roasted some while I was away. Eventually, all we’d have would be chicory. “I thought you’d be gone.”

Terry grinned. “I’ve been, done the deed and I’m back for food.”

“What? Wow, I never heard a thing.” I sipped my drink. “I’ll go do the chickens and Jessy.”

“Done.”

“What? Terry, you’re supposed help, not do everything.”

“Gosh, Dave. Honestly, compared to our place, no offence, well this is a lot smaller and just easier to get done.”

“True. I guess you had a process.”

“Yeah we did; Joe and I learned how to motor through our chores.”

“Well, since everything is done. What should we do?” I swallowed some more coffee. “We could visit your dad.”

Terry just stared at me. “Are you crazy? No way. We are going fishing. Catch some nice ones for dinner.”

Fishing? Well that sounded good to me. “Yeah, okay. That sounds like fun.”

We walked to the river, caught some beetles to use as bait and spent a few hours fishing and talking. At the end we had two nice trout for dinner.

Dinner was delicious and I found I was very comfortable in Terry’s company. He’d said to me he’d have to go home tomorrow, but that he’d come back soon.

The next morning, he waved as the trotted down the drive, leading Brandy, his hopefully pregnant mare.

Terry’s visits became a regular thing. Every Saturday Terry would come over, we’d fish and swim the afternoon away. Then we’d cook together, we’d talk and play cards or chess.

This night, Terry put our dinner out and I sat down to eat. “Dave, my father sends his regards. Said he hopes you’ll come by sometime. Cathy asked me to invite you to dinner next Sunday.”

I watched Terry sit down. “That’s very nice. Please let her know I’ll be there and that I’m grateful.”

“Sam and Steve will be there. They came down for a visit.”

“Really.” I cut a piece of chicken and chewed it. I paused for a moment. “Are they … I mean ….”

Laughing, Terry nodded. “Yes, they’ve been partners for years. I didn’t know until Cath said so just after they arrived and she asked me to put their stuff into the front bedroom.”

I’d had no inkling either. “Glad I’m not the only one who didn’t see that coming.”

We ate together quietly for a few minutes. “Dave?”

I met his eyes. “Terry?”

He was a bit uncomfortable. “You’re okay with me coming here, aren’t you?”

“Yes. I mean, I enjoy your company.”

He nodded and tucked into his meal.

After dinner and dishes, we decided to take a walk down by river. Terry walked beside me. We stopped and sat down. We watched the sunset for a few minutes before moving on. Terry was close to me and slipped his hand into mine. I didn’t pull away but I wasn’t sure how I felt.

He drew me to a halt.

“What?”

Terry closed his eyes for a second or two, and bit his lower lip before he said, “Dave, you know how I feel about you. You don’t seem to feel it at all. I mean, I know you lost Jae, and that’s hard. But is there any point in me continuing this?”

I understood where he was coming from. I didn’t know if I was ready to move on, or did I?

“Terry, I like you. I like spending time with you, and these Saturdays together I look forward to them very much. I’d hate to lose that, but I’d understand if you want to move on. Right now, I can’t do more than what we’re doing. I’m not ready to sleep with you. If we did, it would be sex, nothing more and I think we both deserve better than that.”

He was quiet while he considered my words, and then Terry nodded. “So, is this okay or not?” He held up our joined hands.

I smiled and squeezed it. “This is perfect.”

Grinning, he turned and we continued our walk, hand in hand and side by side.

We carried on in this way through the winter and into the Spring, and then Terry was away every weekend for a month, hunting for his dog. I found I missed him a lot more than I thought I would.

While waiting for Terry’s return, the rest of us got together and built a pigsty and we began to raise several pigs. Each family collected food, leftovers and vegetable trimmings to feed our new pigs. Now more than ever we had issues with the preservation of food. And we discussed this at a meeting in the now-finished community center.

Cathy stood and called the meeting to order. “Okay folks, please! Let’s come to order!”

People shushed each other until there was silence.

“Thank you, and welcome. I’m glad we could all get together. We need to discuss what we are going to do about the increasing issue of food preservation. Right now we dry a lot and also have the new smokehouse. But Joe Petersen has come up with an idea that some of us use on a small scale, however, he wants to make this something the community can use. I’d like to turn the floor over to Joe.”

Joe stood; smiled at everyone. “Thank you for coming. Our family uses a small windmill and some solar panels to generate electricity. We use this to run a medium sized freezer. I propose that we put together a group to visit nearby cities to find more solar equipment so we can all have freezers, or maybe share one between two families.”

Frank O’Connor got to his feet. “I think it’s a good idea, but where do we find the solar panels and batteries?”

“We’d need to go into towns and cities. It would mean some traveling,” Joe replied.

“It would mean danger.” O’Connor was still on his feet. “We went into those cities. It’s like hell in there.”

Joe stood up. “Before we go there, we’ll look at the smaller towns and subdivisions. There could be houses or stores that have what we need.”

Jim put up his hand and stood up. “I think we need to consider producing our own bullets too. That means looking for the equipment and metals to do so. It’s something we could look for at the same time as solar equipment.”

“That’s a good idea, Jim. Thank you.”

“How long will it take, do you think, to find all of this, Joe?” Jane Lawrence rose to ask.

“Could be two or three months, depending where we have to go.”

“That’s a long time to have a family member gone,” Jane said.

Barry rose to his feet. “The whole point of this community is to work together. If some families have a volunteer for this project, then the rest of us need to get together to help. If we aren’t going to do this, then there’s no point for any of us being here.”

People applauded this.

I got up. “You all know that I’m single and my place isn’t big. I’m available to help anyone who may need it.” I sat down.

“Thanks, Dave.” Joe grinned.

Following my contribution I didn’t pay much more attention. My thoughts turned to Terry. I wondered what I was waiting for—I knew Jae was gone. I think I didn’t want Terry to be a replacement for what I lost. But how long would Terry wait? He’s a young man who wants to start his life, not hang on for me to come around, to figure it out.

Barry clapped me on the shoulder and asked how I was.

“I’m good, Barry. How are you?”

“Well, thanks.”

“Good. Walk with me a bit, Dave”

“Sure.”

We walked together toward the new smokehouse and the small slaughterhouse. Barry was quiet for a minute but then said, “This isn’t something I ever thought I’d be saying to anyone … but what are your intentions toward my son?”

That stopped me in my tracks. I think my jaw dropped and gaped for a good few seconds before I slammed it shut. “Is Terry okay? I mean, has he said something?”

“He’s fine as far as I’m aware. And no, he hasn’t said anything. But he’s gay, you’re gay, and he’s over at your place all the time.”

I wondered where Barry was going. I thought maybe I’d better put his mind to rest. “There’s nothing going on between us, Barry.”

Barry stopped and turned toward me. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. My son cares a lot for you Dave. I’d like to see him settled. If you don’t think anything will happen between you, I’d like you to tell him so.”

“I see.” I hadn’t been prepared for this. “Listen Barry, I care for Terry a lot too. We could have more I think, but I just haven’t been ready.” I’d already been thinking about the future. “I don’t want Terry wasting his time on me. I’ve promised myself that when he’s back, that we’d talk about our future.”

Barry nodded. “Fair enough. No offence, but he’s twenty-five and should be enjoying his youth, if you get my drift.”

“I understand. I have been honest with him. Told him not to wait for me.”

Barry put an arm around me and hugged my shoulders. “If you two end up together, I’ll be a happy man, Dave. No pressure, but I want you to know that.”

“Thanks, Barry. Terry and I will work it out and soon.” I smiled at him. “He’s a wonderful guy and I hope you know I do care about him.”

We walked back to the community center and joined the others in some refreshment. Afterwards, I rode Mersey home.

I finished my chores, groomed Mersey and then climbed into bed to read. My eyes grew heavy and I put my book on the side. I pulled up the covers and let myself fall asleep.

Banging on my door woke me in the morning. I pulled on some jeans and stumbled downstairs; it was barely light. There was more banging as I got down to the first floor.

“Okay, okay. I’m coming.”

I peeked through the door. There stood Terry with a squirming pup under each arm. “Can I come in?” I stepped back and pulled the door open.

“Where are you going to put those?”

Terry grinned. “The floor?”

“Won’t they ... they, you know.”

“Pee? If they do, I’ll look after it.”

“Okay.” I got the stove started while the two puppies ran around. They jumped at my legs and made me laugh. I picked one up, a squirming bundle of black silky fur and loose skin. He panted, tiny pink tongue hanging out of his little mouth and he licked me when I was in range.

Terry had gone to hang up his coat and he returned smiling. “Seems that one likes you as much as I do.” He leaned in and kissed me.

That was a sweet surprise.

Then taking the pup from my arms, Terry put it down gently and pulled me into his own, where he kissed me again with passion. I tried to step away, but he held me tight. “Don’t. Don’t pull away, Dave, please. I need you—this. I need to show you how I feel.” He let me go and held out his hand to me.

I knew what that meant, what it would mean if I took his hand. I considered it. There was worry there, fear, sadness, and hope in his eyes. He pulled me toward the stairs and I stopped him.

“What about the pups?”

Grinning he scooped up both, and carried them to the spare room. He fixed a blanket nest for them and gave them a bowl of water and then returned for me. “Come on. The pups are okay. Now it’s our turn.”

He stood on the bottom stair, forcing me to gaze up at him. His right hand extended, he held it there waiting.

This was it—now or never—what did I want? Was I ready for this new life? Did I love him?

Did I?

He just stood there watching me, hand outstretched—waiting for me to choose. To decide on what the rest of my life would be.

In those moments, I held Jae in my arms, smelled him, and kissed him, I heard the birds singing outside, the puppies mewling upstairs as they settled into their blanket and each other, the wind in the pines singing its lonely song, and I heard my heart pounding in my chest—then I reached for my future and took Terry’s hand.

Cathy is pregnant. I’m sure that surprises no one, and Barry is over the moon. Terry said he just hope’s it will be a girl.

Terry and I did what Jae and I weren’t able to, we had a marriage ceremony. The first in the new Community Center—everyone came. Cathy made the most wonderful cake for us, and Barry was both pleased and proud. It was a wonderful day and a profound and meaningful way to start out life together.

Joe and his girl, and a few other couples, were thinking of doing the same. I think Barry and Cathy will also.

We made changes to the farm. We started an apiary and supply most of the sweetening power for our community. Bees are back and are healthy once again. Terry surprised me with the first jar of honey. He’d tied a piece of white cloth on the top, onto which he’d stamped a design with a small wooden stamp he’d carved. He said, “I’m calling it Jae’s Honey, because it was him who really wanted to raise bees. I remember Dad giving him the book about it.”

I thought this was a wonderful gesture and remembrance for Jae.

I’m lying in bed next to my husband, finishing this journal off. I guess I’ll start another one soon. But I think about our lives now and how different things were in the past. It must have been a whirlwind. I used to long to live there. I don’t now. Now there is peace and no alarm clocks, no rush to do anything except work our farm and love each other. And speaking of love, Terry’s sliding his arms around me; I can feel his need and mine is growing, so I’ll make this the last entry.

I’ve got things to do.

The End or is it?