Indiana Summer - 14. Memories

Disclaimer: This story includes sexual and romantic situations between consenting individuals. Any allusion to illicit or illegal activity, sexual or otherwise, is purely used for enhancement of the story line and not promotion thereof. Also AIDS, HIV and other STDs are a very real threat.

Please always practice safe sex.

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Indiana Summer 14: Remember

It was easy for Billy to sleep through the night; with the knock out drugs that Candy had given him, he was warm and comfortable with his head against my stomach the entire night.

I wish I could have slept just as easily. I spent nearly the entire night awake, sitting there absently stroking my fingers through Billy’s hair. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do when morning came, well I didn’t know what I was going to do if Billy actually remembered what I had said to him.

I meant every word of it…but it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t work with us. I was LEAVING, it couldn’t happen…I couldn’t let it happen.

On top of stressing over what was going to happen in the morning I was also worried about William and Annie coming back and finding Billy and me curled up in bed together. It was pushing past midnight and they weren’t home yet.

‘Ok, David, let's focus on something you actually have some semblance of control over…worry about the wayward 'rents later.’ I thought silently as I leaned my head back against the wall.

First things first, I needed to come up with a plan…and an excuse in case Billy didn’t remember what we’d talked about, simple enough really; I could just stick to the truth…mostly.

I could tell him everything up to us finding him with Candy in the clearing…and the confession as to what she had done to him. Everything after that I could lie about. Tell him that we got him home and he passed out on my lap.

‘Ok, I have that covered…I’m a good enough liar to pull that off…now what happens if he remembers?’ I asked myself as I looked down at Billy’s sleeping form.

“Surely whatever Candy gave you is enough to make you forget what happened. She wouldn’t be stupid enough to drug you if there was a chance that you might remember what happened…at least not the way she wanted you to remember.” I said quietly.

Assured that I was right I settled back against the wall and tried to get some sleep….yea…like that was going to happen.

                                                           *      *      *

I woke up with a dull ache in my head. Without opening my eyes to look around I tried to take stock of where I was. I was lying down…on something that wasn’t very comfortable…with my face pressed against something soft, firm, and very good smelling.

Something that smelled like David’s cologne, with that realization I took note of a warm weight on my side and another on my head. At that I moved back a bit and cracked my eyes open and looked up to see David asleep against the wall above me, his head was leaned back against the wall so the whole column of his throat was on display.

I watched, mesmerized, as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed in his sleep. I wanted nothing more than to reach up and run my hand up his throat, let my thumb rub across his jaw…but doing that would probably wake him up…and he looked so peaceful like this.

Ignoring the dull ache in my head…and the fuzzy memories of the night before…I closed my eyes and pushed my face back against David’s stomach. Breathing deeply I could get through the cologne and the smell of mom's detergent and catch the scent of David himself.

Warm skin, tinged with sweat, a mild but heady scent that reminded me of the day that I swiped his work shirt out of the hamper and got caught up in the way it smelled.

I was thinking back to that day when David moved in his sleep, the hand on my side slid down to my hip and the one on my head raked through my hair. Without thinking about it I arched into the touch, the movement tweaked my headache a bit and made me groan.

“You awake hillbilly?” David’s sleepy voice rasped above me.

I rolled over and looked up at David. Thankfully the curtains were drawn and it was cloudy…I get the feeling that the light would have jacked my headache up another notch.

“Yea...I’m awake, I don’t know about alive though…what the hell happened last night?” I asked as I put an arm over my eyes. I knew I should probably sit up, David couldn’t have been comfortable, but the hand that had been on my side was now resting directly over my stomach…and there was no way I was giving that up that warm weight anytime soon.

“You don’t remember anything?” David asked, his voice concerned.

The concern worried me for a sec and I went back through the night before…the last clear thing I remembered was leaving the barn with Candace…after that everything got a little disjointed, fuzzy. What I did recall though scared the shit out of me.

“God David…please…please tell me that I didn’t sleep with Candy.” I said as a very disjointed and hazy vision of Candace in nothing but her undergarments came to me.

“No Billy, you didn’t. We got there before that happened, but it was pretty close.” David replied and I peaked up at him from under my arm.

“We?” I asked, wondering what exactly had happened and who had been in on it.

“Yea we, Me, Sam, Walker and Julian; Chris would have come too but he had to stick with his equipment. We got into the clearing before she could…do the deed.” David swallowed hard as he spoke.

“I think I need a re-cap of what happened last night…if you don’t mind?” I asked quietly.

David nodded and went on about what happened, told me that they found out I had left the party with Candy and how they had a bad feeling about it. I felt my heart speed up when he recounted how they trekked through the woods and eventually came upon me and Candace.

“After we found you they guys and me brought you back here…we left Sam to deal with Candace. You passed out by the time we got you to the house, and as far as I know you’ve slept up until now.” David finished and I nodded before looking around.

“Umm…why am I on you’re lap?” I asked, and smiled when David blushed.

“I was worried about you…scared…I didn’t want to leave you alone so I sorta positioned us here.” David blushed deeper and I reached up and ran my palm over his burning cheek.

“Thanks for staying with me…it means a lot to me.” David leaned into my touch for a second before pulling away.

I smiled sadly as I pulled my hand away and sat up; remembering that David didn’t want to be with me. Part of me wished the drugs that Candy had slipped me could make me forget that part too.

Somehow though my chest didn’t ache as bad at the thought as it did before, it still hurt, knowing that something I wanted, someone, was so close and yet so far at the same time but…I felt like I could handle it better now.

“No worries Billy, what are friends for after all,” David said with a smile, “I guess we should head downstairs, it’s past our usual wake up time. Especially for you.”

I looked over at the clock as David spoke, yea it was way past time for me to be down at the Murphy farm…dad was going to go crazy…maybe I could pretend to be sick.

“If you want I can go down stairs and let your folks know that you’re not feeling well, say you got sick last night.” David’s words echoed my thoughts.

I seriously thought about it for a few minutes before I shook my head, dad would never buy it.

“No, dad would never go for it…I’ll just say I didn’t set the alarm. He won’t rage too much if mom is down there.” I answered as I stood up and went to my closet to find some clothes.

I tried to ignore my headache as I changed. It had started out as a dull ache at the back of my head but it was starting to migrate to the rest of my skull.

“We should probably get you some pain killers; your head can’t be feeling too good.” David said as I turned around. He had already changed, leaving on his cargo shorts from the night before but swapping out his plain tee shirt for gray tank top.

“Yea that would be good.” I answered and the two of us headed downstairs.

I expected to see dad sitting at the dinning room table, pissed off and ready to rip me a new one about being late for work, but Dad wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Mom on the other hand was sitting there with a cup of coffee and the paper spread out in front of her.

“Oh, I’m glad you boys are up. I was just about getting ready to come up and get you. Breakfast is on the stove. It might be a bit cold so you’ll probably have to warm it up.” Mom smiled as she motioned to the kitchen with her mug.

David looked at me and raised an eyebrow, clearly asking me what was going on. I just shrugged in answer and headed to the kitchen.

Once we found our plates filled with eggs over easy and bacon, we made some toast and headed back into the dinning room.

“So how was your boys night, did you do anything fun?” Mom asked as we set down, she had that look in her eyes…the one that said “I know exactly what happened but feel free to lie to me” I had seen her give Seth the same look after a date…one that he didn’t get home from till the next morning.

“Yea we had fun, we stayed up playing cards most of the night. I owe David about two hundred bucks.” Mom knew I was lying, she was too good not to know; but this way she didn’t have to feel bad about lying to dad.

David must have picked up on it because he chirped up helpfully.

“Yea and I always collect on debts…but if you don’t have the cash I’ll take a violin performance in its place.”

I smiled and nodded in agreement.

“Well, I am certainly glad you two had fun.” Mom smiled as she went back to her coffee.

“What about you and dad, I never heard you come in; and like I said we were up pretty late.” I was lying again, I’m fairly certain I was passed out against a very good smelling stomach fairly early, but I was still curious.

“Oh it went well. We just got in a few hours ago actually. We ran into some friends at the hotel lounge and your father ended up drinking too much and I wouldn’t let him drive home; and you know how territorial he is over his truck so we ended up getting a room for the night.” Mom answered easily as she flipped the pages of her newspaper.

David and I both shared a quick, suspicious glance. We were both thinking the same thing…it was too much of a coincidence. Dad going out and getting trashed…under mom’s supervision, giving us the perfect excuse to go to the dance…oh yea mom had set us ALL up.

“Where is Mr. Templeton at?” David asked casually.

“Oh he’s out picking up shingles for that patch of roof he wants fixed over the spare room. I think you boys are about done with the construction work to be honest. I don’t really think that there is anything left in the barn to work on except Billy’s bale platform and I have no intention of allowing you boys to fix that beam or replace the pulley, William can find someone else for that.” Mom said in a very determined tone.

David and I both exchanged a look but decided not to mention anything. Instead the two of us finished our breakfast and took our plates out.

“I guess I better get going, Mr. Murphy will probably be pretty mad, I’m nearly three hours late.” I said I looked at the clock behind the dinning room table, it was nearly nine o’clock.

“You don’t have to worry about that honey, Jack called this morning and said that he wouldn’t need your services for the next few days; he didn’t give a reason but he said he’d be in touch when he needed you again.” Mom said as the two of us walked back into the dinning room.

“Soooo, what do we do today?” David asked mom, who shrugged.

“I don’t know. Your father will be gone most of the day, and he didn’t leave any schedule or task for the two of you. So I would recommend that you just take care of the normal chores around here and then you can have the afternoon to do with as you please, unless you have some lingering work in the barn that is.” Mom smiled as she spoke.

David and I both shared a small smile before nodding and heading out to the barn.

“OK, we really don’t have much to do today. We need to do the horse stalls, of course, and we need to put more hay in the trough and the water probably needs changing as well. After that, unless mom needs something, I guess we’ll be done for the day.” I said, looking around the barn. It seemed David had been doing pretty well on the construction on his own.

“Sounds like a plan. We still need to install railings for the hay loft but we need a drill for that.” David said as he pointed up to the loft.

“I think Walker’s dad has one, he can probably ask to borrow it; we can go down and ask once we get done.” I answered and David smiled.

I felt a little ashamed as I ogled David’s ass as he climbed the ladder to throw me down bales of hay and straw but I quickly pushed it away, David may have not wanted a relationship with me but that didn’t mean I couldn't appreciate him in a physical sense.

“Heads up!” David’s voice shook me out of my thoughts and I reach up in time to catch the bale he’d thrown at me.

“You know we work a lot better if you aren’t so distracted.” David said as I put the straw aside. Most people couldn’t tell you the difference between the two but I’ve been working with them since I was a kid so it was easy for me.

“I wouldn’t be so distracted if you didn’t have such a nice ass.” I called back without thinking…the second the words left my mouth I blushed and bit my lip.

‘Stupid, stupid, stupid…you get turned down by the guy two times in one day and then you go and tell him he has a nice ass….yea, friends do that all the time.’ I thought silently.

I chanced a glance up at the loft and see David looking down at me, his face is a little red but he had this shit eating grin on his face…he was gonna tease me.

“Hmm I am glad that you like it, I have worked rather hard on it.” David said before tossing me another bale, more straw.

“Yea well it shows…so just forget I said anything so I can be embarrassed in peace.” I replied, setting the bale aside.

David didn’t reply, he just tossed me down another bale, this one was the hay.

“Another hay and we’ll be good.” I called and David shouted an OK from the loft.

Once we had all the bales and David was back on the ground we went to work. I retrieved Elder from his stall while David put halters and leads on Speckle and Shadow.

“I can lead these two with one hand and carry a bale with the other if you want to get the other bale.” David offered and I nodded in agreement, I was still a bit too mortified to speak.

“Come on Elder.” I tapped Elder on his flank to get him moving and the two of us followed David and the others down to the corral.

I was confident that Elder wouldn’t do anything to David so once we got the three of them loaded into the corral I left David to empty the troughs while I took a few buckets from under the trough and went to the water pump on the far side of the corral.

“You know it would probably be easier to just set the troughs up under the pump that way it would be easy to run water in them.” David commented as I poured four buckets full into the trough.

“Yea I know, Seth mentioned that to dad when he first put the corral up…from what I understand it got pretty ugly. I was a bit too young to remember it.” I answered as the two of us went back to the barn.

Back at the barn I went for my pitchfork to clean out the stalls but David grabbed my shoulder as I did.

“Billy I don’t want you to feel awkward about the whole nice ass comment. It’s cool, just don’t worry about it.” David said but I slipped out of David’s grip and walked away a bit.

I rubbed my hand across my face and tried to figure out what to say.

“If…If I didn’t feel how I felt then it wouldn’t be a big deal…but I do so it does. I…I’d like to be with you and I know that there isn’t a chance for that to happen so I have to content myself with being friends…I can’t make comments about how good looking you are and keep in that friend zone.” I tried to keep my voice steady as I spoke but I was having a difficult time of it…for some reason my headache was getting worse.

I knew David was speaking to me but I couldn’t focus on the words, the pain in my head was making the words fuzzy. I closed my eyes against the pain and as I did pictures flashed across my eyes and words filled my head.

‘Don’t want….don’t want her…want…need David.’ The words filled my ears as a vision flashes in my head, curled up on my bed, tears on my face…I’m crying…I heard Walker's, Julian's, and David’s voices’…but I don’t understand the words.

Fast as it came the memory went away, gone save for the spike in my headache. I opened my eyes to see David kneeling in front of me; I didn’t remember hitting my knees.

“Billy talk to me…are you OK?” David asked panicked, scared.

I didn’t answer at first …David said I had passed out on the way home and didn’t wake up again till that morning…but if the memory is right than that isn’t true.

“Yea…yea I’m fine…I had a flash back…remembered being in the clearing.” I lied easily…If David didn’t tell me what had happened than he must have had a good reason…and I didn’t want to make things more awkward.

“That’s good I guess…although if it were me I’d try to forget about it.” David answered with a tentative smile.

“Yea me too.” I replied as I stood up.

David tried a few times to get me to relax but I just wanted to get back to work, the headache wasn’t really that bad and I wasn’t feeling any pain elsewhere so after a few minutes I managed to convince him to ease up and work with me.

“So are we going riding again today?” David asked as we cleaned out the horse stall.

I thought about it for a few minutes before answering.

“Yea we can take them down to Walkers, cut through the woods and over the river.”

After we finished the stalls and did a fast once over of the barn, making sure dad hadn’t left us a list or letter on the workbench or something we retrieved the horses and saddled Elder and Speckle.

David decided that even though he had a better connection to Shadow that when he rode with me that he would alternate between him and Speckle. He said that he would feel bad about always leaving the same one locked up when we went riding.

“Maybe one of these days when dad isn’t home we can talk mom into a ride with us. She doesn’t ride much anymore but I’m sure we can talk her into it.” I said as we rode, heading for the woods.

“Yea that sounds good, have a picnic or something.” David answered as he ducked under a tree branch.

“That would be cool, mom used to do that when me and Seth were kids…usually after dad had been on one of his rants.” I thought back to all the times that we had gone riding.

                                                           *      *      *

I ducked to avoid a tree branch as I followed behind Billy and Elder. Something was up with Billy…I didn’t know what it was but something about his ‘flashback’ was bothering me. Billy had never directly lied to me so I didn’t know what it looked like when he was being dishonest but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t being truthful with me.

I guess I couldn’t blame him if he were lying to me. After all, I wasn’t being completely honest with him either, even if he had agreed the night before.

‘He was drugged dumb ass, compliant; he would have screwed Sam last night if you had asking him to. Yea you can really claim that he agreed with you can’t you…oh yea, it was a totally valid conversation….jackass.’ I berated myself silently.

I wanted to ask him about it, find out exactly what it was he had remembered but like I said, it wasn’t my place to push, I was lying too after all.

I felt like shit for that, for lying to him. I didn’t like doing it but it was necessary…despite what had happened the night before, Billy seemed to be in better spirits and I didn’t want to depress him again by bringing it up again.

He didn’t need to know that I loved him too, it wouldn’t do any good. I’d just have to turn him down again, tell him that we wouldn’t work; and I didn’t want him to go back to being depressed.

“OK, from here we have to go down hill and across the river,” Billy said as he reigned in Elder, “Crossing the river ain’t what I’m worried about, that's the easy part; it’s the down hill part that concerns me. Do you think you can make it down saddled up or do you want to walk it?” He asked as I pulled Speckle to a stop next to him.

I pushed a tree branch out of my way and looked down the hill, it wasn't that steep. I thought I could make it.

“Yea I can do the ride down. Just tell me how hillbilly.” I smiled over at Billy, my stomach flipped a bit when he smiled back.

“It’s easy, just lean back in the saddle, but not too far back. Leaning back takes weight off the horses’ front legs since those are the ones that will be taking most of our weight. I don’t have to tell you that on a really steep hill that it is better to walk up or go around but since this is a relatively shallow incline I think it’s OK.

Besides, I’ve walked this with Elder before and he and Speckle are the same age and you and me are roughly the same height and weight so I think they’ll be OK. Just follow me down.” Billy said before tapping his heals to Elders flanks and heading down the hill.

Billy was making it look easier than it probably was. Even going down hill he moved fluidly with Elder as the horse walked slowly down the incline.

“Your turn, remember not to lean back too far, don’t want you to accidentally slide out of the saddle.” Billy laughed from his place by the river, I flipped him off but nudged Speckle forwards.

To say I was tense was a bit of an understatement. Hell, I was pretty freaking terrified to be honest. I was holding the reins tighter than I should have been and I tensed my legs once or twice when Speckle stumbled, which only made me and the horse more nervous.

At last though the two of us made it to the river bank and I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I had been holding.

“Easy David, you did well. Relax your grip on the reins, you’re spooking Speckle.” Billy’s strong hand was gripping one of my wrists.

I let my grip on the reins loosen but didn’t let go completely. I looked back up at the small incline and had to shake my head, I was freaking out about such a small thing…

“God I feel like a wimp.” I sighed.

“Don’t, it was your first time going down hill, plus Speckle was a little shaky. I was nervous the first time I went down it on Elder, and by then I already trusted him with my life.” Billy’s hand moved from my wrist up to my shoulder and squeezed tightly.

I wanted nothing more than to lean over and rub my cheek against his hand…I didn’t though. I lifted my hand and rested it over his. For a moment I saw a flash of sadness on his face before he pushed it under again.

“If you’re calmed down enough we should get going.” Billy said as he slipped his hand from under mine and turned to look at the river.

I nodded and followed him as he guided us over to a shallow place in the river. The water was clear here and would only reach up to the horses’ knees, if that.

After we crossed the river it was only a few minutes before we were dismounting and in Walkers backyard, Walker waving to us from the back porch.

With a shock I remembered that Walker had been there last night…had heard Billy say he wanted me, needed me.

‘He talks and I’m a dead man.’

                                                           *      *      *

Walker stood up and waved to us to come up to the back porch. I smiled as we walked up to him, leading the horses. Walker had this smile that made everyone else want to smile along with him, even if they weren’t in the mood to; which I wasn’t.

‘Get over it Billy, can’t let Walkersee your having issues or he’ll be all over you.’ I thought silently to myself. It was true though, ever since he started talking again Walker had become somewhat pushy, inquisitive.

I guess it was hard to dig into someone’s personal life when you didn’t talk.

“Billy boy, it’s good to see you up and around. How you feeling?” Walker asked happily as we walked up to the porch.

“I’m good, I battled a bit of a headache earlier this morning but I’m fine now. Now all I got is a bunch of blank spaces and fuzzy places in my memory.” I said as I sat down on the porch.

“So you don’t remember anything from last night?” Walker asked, sharing a swift, concerned look with David.

“I remember some of it, just not much. David filled in the whole night for me though, and I had a bit of a flash back earlier so I’m pretty up to speed.” I replied and this time Walker gave David a very inquisitive look.

“OK you two, what is going on; is there something I should know about?” I asked, wondering if whatever they were looking at each other had to with what I remembered.

“No, no. I was just wondering how you two were doing with each other.” Walker replied, and at this David looked a little panicked. Something was going on…but now wasn’t the time to bring it up.

“We’re doing fine, why wouldn’t we? David was a stand up guy last night, sat with me all night and let me sleep against his stomach. He’s a real good buddy.” I said as I stretched my leg out and brushed my foot on David leg, making him blush a bit.

Walker smiled and nodded and reached out an arm and put it around David’s shoulders.

“We were wondering if you had access to your dad’s drill and stuff Walker? We need it to put up some railings on the hay loft and my dad seems to have vanished for the day.” I asked once the mood had settled a bit, there would be time later to work on this little mystery…even though I already had a goodish idea of what was going on.

“Yea it’s in the barn, I can’t loan it to you though; dad would go nuts. I can bring it up and you can show me what to do though.” Walker replied as he pointed over to the barn.

“That’s cool, in that case me and David will head home now and you can come up in your truck.”

“Actually. I have a better idea.” Walker said and motioned for us to follow him to the barn.

Walker led us to something under an old blue tarp. With a flourish he pulled it off to reveal an old Harley Davidson motorcycle.

“It’s a beaut isn’t it? It's far from brand new and far from mint condition but it runs pretty well.” Walker said as he patted the seat.

Walker was right, the thing was at least ten years old and it had plenty of body work that needed done, the seat was ripped in places and the grips for the handles were practically none existent.

“Where did you get this thing from Walker?” David asked, running his hands appreciatively over the machine.

“It belonged to a friend of moms. He was going to junk it cause him and his wife are moving upstate and he didn’t want to screw around with trying to restore it so I managed to convince him to give it to me.” Walker said proudly.

I had to smile at Walkers enthusiasm, I knew he had wanted a motorcycle since he was a kid, seems that he finally got one.

While David and I were admiring the bike Walker went over to the work bench and retrieved the drill and stuffed it into a bag on the side of the bike.

David and I stood back as Walker sat astride the bike and started it up.

“Um Walker, do you have a license?” I asked and Walker just smiled.

“I’ll see you guys at the house.” Walker called before taking off, screeching the back tire as he went.

“I’m gonna take that as a no.” David smiled as the two of us left the barn.

“We better get going.” I said as the two of us mounted up and set off back to the house.

“Can we avoid the hill this time?” David asked nervously.

I smiled and reached over and patted his arm.

“Nope…but this time we’ll walk it if you don’t think you can ride it.” I answered and David smiled, looking relieved.

By the time we got back to the house Walker was sitting on the porch talking about his new motor cycle to Mom. Mom for her part, who never really understood people’s obsession with their vehicles, was smiling and paying attention to every word Walker said.

“It’s about time you two showed up, what took you so long?” Walker asked as we dismounted and relieved the horses of their tack.

“Well I’m sorry we took so long, horses don’t move as fast as Harley's.” David replied, his voice was sarcastic but his expression was joking.

“Yea, yea, now what are we doing?” Walked asked as he unpacked the drill and hooked the battery up.

Since David had been the one to work on the railing I let him get up to the loft and explain what it was that needed done while I wiped down Elder and Speckle and put their tack up.

I smiled as I watched David and Walker work. I had to admit that I was really going to miss him when he left. Not just for my more personal reasons either, just because he brought so much good stuff to the house, to our lives.

I knew I wasn’t the only one either, everyone was going to him, well everyone except Dad of course, he might even do a little dance over it.

“Billy, come in here for a minute please, I need you to bring some canned goods up from the basement.” Mom said as she stepped into the barn, hands on her hips.

“Yes Ma’am.”

                                                           *      *      *

As soon as Billy was out of ear shot Walker shut off the drill and looked over to me, that quizzical look back on his face.

“OK city boy what the hell happened last night?” Walker asked in a whisper.

I knew he was going to ask the second we were alone, he wouldn’t bring it up in front of Billy.

Knowing that it would be pointless to try and lie to him, everyone here seemed to have some sort of built in lie detector, I went ahead and told him everything…including about the deal I made with Billy. By the time I was done Walker was on his feet and looking at me like I was crazy.

“OK so let me re-cap here, you told a drugged guy that you love him and then told him that you two would only discuss it if he remembered you confessing to it this morning and when he didn’t instead of telling him the truth you lied to him.” Walker’s voice got increasing louder with every word until he was nearly shouting.

“Will you keep your damn voice down please,” I shot up and clapped a hand over his mouth, “And yes I lied to him…you have no damn idea how much this is killing me.” I let my hand fall away from his mouth and walked and collapsed onto a straw bale.

“Then why don’t you tell him the truth. He wants you, you want him; I don’t really see the problem here.” Walker’s voice was full of exasperation.

“You don’t see the problem? Really? Walker, I am LEAVING on August 31st, how the hell can we have a relationship if I’m going back across the country?” I asked, my own voice going up farther than it should have.

Walker blushed a bit and looked sheepish.

“Yea…yea I didn’t think about that…maybe…maybe if you guys actually worked out you could stay here…I mean there isn’t a lot to do here in the winter and I’m sure its nothing like back in California but…its OK.” Walker smiled at me like he had solved all my problems.

“Walker be real. Annie would let me stay in a heartbeat but there is no way William or my dad would go for it. No matter how much I’d like to stay here.” I replied as I looked down at my hands.

I wanted to stay here…I didn’t want to go back. Yea my dad and my uncle were back in California but this place…this seemed like home now too, not just because of Billy either.

“You want to stay here, seriously?” Walker’s voice made it clear that he didn’t believe what I was saying.

“Yea I want to stay here. This place feels like home. I have a life and friends here. Yea there is a lot of stuff I miss about California, my dad and uncle, my books and architecture sketches. Other than that though…I don’t miss anything.

I have no friends there…just a bunch of guys who get me in trouble if I hang out with them. Here, I’ve got you, Billy, Chris and I think Sam…I mean we’re not trying to verbally kill each other anymore or anything…At least I think you guys like having me around.” I said as I looked up to Walker a spoke, a small smile on my face.

“We love having you around, moron, even Sam does. I was just talking to her earlier and she said that you being here has made everything brighten up a bit. I think a lot of that has to do with what you’ve done for Billy.” Walker replied as he sat down next to me on the hay bale.

“Sam likes having me around…she actually said that?” I asked and Walker wrapped an arm around my shoulders and smiled.

“Yes, she actually said that, and if you tell her I told you, I’ll kill you myself.” Walker threatened good naturedly.

“I won’t say a word to her.” I promised and put an arm around Walkers waist and gave him a one armed hug.

After a moment of just sitting silently with each other Walker spoke up again.

“I…I’m not going to hassle you about this David. All I’m going to say is that I think you should tell him. Even if nothing can come out of it he deserves to know the truth, if not because you two feel the same way about each than because it has to do with what happened last night.” Walker said as he got up and went to the railings to finish his work.

‘God I am so screwed.’ I thought to myself as I got up to help Walker finish the job.

                                                           *      *      *

After I brought up the boxes mom wanted I headed back out to the barn to see if I could help Walker and David with anything.

When I got back to the barn though I heard David and Walker talking, quietly I walked up and stood under the loft, I couldn’t see David or Walker so I assumed they were sitting on some of the hay.

I listened with a smile on my face as David talked about the farm feeling like home now, I was sad when he said he didn’t have any friends back in California and had to suppress a laugh when Walker called him a moron when he asked if we really enjoyed having him here.

It was hard not to laugh when I heard what Sam had said and David’s reaction to it, and Walker threatening to kill him for ratting on her.

When everything went quiet I decided to head back outside and make a slightly louder entrance. I didn’t want the guys to know I’d been eavesdropping.

I didn’t plan on saying anything to David or Walker but I resolved to make the rest of David’s time on the farm as enjoyable as I possibly could. I didn’t want David to go back to California, I wanted him to stay, not just because he would be with me but because he wanted to; but since he had to leave I was determined to supply with as many good memories as I could.

Just as I was getting ready to leave the barn though I heard Walker speak again.

“I…I’m not going to hassle you about this David. All I’m going to say is that I think you should tell him. Even if nothing can come out of it he deserves to know the truth, if not because you two feel the same way about each other, then because it has to do with what happened last night.” Walkers’ voice was low but I heard every word loud and clear.

The words hit me a like a ton of bricks, ‘if not because you feel the same way about each other,’ David felt the same way about me as I did him? No way…if he did he wouldn’t keep turning me down…sure he was leaving but we could’ve figured it out.

I turned the words over and over in my head as I walked out of the barn, as I did though, more flashes of the night before began to come to me, along with pain in my head.

I managed to make it outside to the side of the barn before I collapsed back against the wall, my head in my hands as more memories came to me.

I was looking up at David, everything was blurry and indistinct but his face stood out in stark detail. His words were quiet and some of them were distorted…but two lines stood out clear as day.

‘God Billy… how could you think that? I do love you and I do want to be with you. We…we just can’t. There is no way…’ David’s words filled my ears like they were spoken from far away and his face swam behind my eyes, looking sad.

I remembered reaching up and touching his face, I know I said something but what I didn’t remember, and what I remembered next told me everything I needed to know.

‘You remember any of this in the morning and we’ll talk. Sleep now.’ I remembered nodding in agreement but not really understanding what I was agreeing too…the only thing I remember standing out was David saying he loved me.

I removed my head from my hands up stood up, having no idea how or when I hit the ground. The physical pain in my head was going away as quickly as it came, leaving in its place confusion and emotional pain.

I didn’t know what to do, I hurt everywhere inside. David loved me…wanted to be with me…but he’d lied by not telling me what he had said…I was drugged out of my mind the night before, how was I supposed to actually consent to a deal like that.

‘Maybe that's what he wanted…he knew you wouldn’t remember any of it so he came up with his plan so he wouldn’t have to talk about it…he probably doesn’t want anything with you anyway.’ A voice that sounded suspiciously like my dad whispered into my mind.

I couldn’t be here…couldn’t stand it…I had to get away.

I could hear the drill going in the barn so I slipped in quietly; grabbed Elders tack and led Elder out of his stall. Usually Elder would nicker happily when he saw me with his tack but this time he kept quiet…he knew what we were doing.

As I climbed into the saddle David and Walker came down from the loft.

“Hey Billy…where you going?” David asked me as he and Walker walked closer to the barn door.

For a second our eyes met and David’s face fell. Without a word I turned away and with a touch to his flanks and a tug on the reins Elder and I took off…gaining speed till my tears were blown away as we galloped away.

                                                           *      *      *

“What was that about? Did you see his face, he looked like he was about to start crying.” Walker asked as we watched Billy take off on Elder, the pair picking up speed till they were just a tiny moving speck in the distance.

I knew though…somehow Billy had worked it all out. Maybe he remembered the night before, maybe he heard me talking to Walker; but it didn’t matter…Billy knew what had happened, what I had done and if that look was anything to go by…he was crushed.

“I…I think he knows…about everything.” I answered quietly and heard Walker sigh quietly.

“What are you going to do? Gonna go after him?” Walker asked but I shook my head.

“No, I’m not. I can ride but Billy hasn’t taught me to gallop and I don’t think he’ll be slowing down anytime soon.” Walker put a hand on my shoulder as I spoke but didn’t say anything.

“Besides, even if I could gallop if he went into the woods I’d never be able to find him; Billy knows this place better than I do.” I slipped out of Walkers grip and walked over to the horse stalls, reaching out to rub both Shadow and Speckle on the head.

For a few minutes neither of us said anything. I couldn’t take the silence, couldn’t stand the sound of Walker breathing…I needed to be alone.

“I want to thank you for helping me out with the railings Walker. I really appreciate it.” I said quietly, hoping Walker would understand.

“Yea…yea no worries; I’m happy to be of help. I think I’ll go ahead and take off though…unless you need me…for anything.” Walker offered, his tone making it clear what he meant, he’d stay if I needed a shoulder to cry on.

“No there isn’t anything else left to do.” Walker understood and with a final goodbye he headed out.

I listened as Walker packed up the drill then started his motorcycle and took off. As the sound of the engine died away I moved away from the horses and climbed back up to the loft and sat down on a bale and leaned against the wall.

‘What are you still doing here? Haven’t you fucked things up enough? You saw the look on his face when he took off. He was fucking crushed. YOU did that; you fuck up everything you do.’ I thought silently as I stared at a beam over my head.

It was true, I was a fuck up. Hell I managed to ruin my parents’ marriage just by being born.

‘Don’t do this to yourself David; you’ve been through this before. If wasn’t your fault she walked out. You’re gay, can’t help that fact. It is her problem, not yours.’ I felt like I was crazy, arguing back and forth with myself.

I didn’t mess up my parents’ marriage, at least not purposefully, but I single handedly screwed up my own life and now I was messing with Billy’s head, his heart. It wasn’t fair to him…maybe it was time I just got it over with and took off. Stop prolonging it. I could probably convince dad to let me come home early, I had changed a lot since I came here after all.

I pulled the cell phone my uncle had given to me out of my back pocket and flipped it open and looked at my uncle's number, the only contact in it.

I wanted to call and talk to him, tell him everything that had happened. I couldn’t do that though. He had warned me, he knew that this was going to happen. No…I didn’t get to hear him comfort me; tell me it was OK; because it wasn’t. I screwed up and now I was going to have to fix it.

Fix it by removing the problem…by leaving.

                                                           *      *      *

I punched the wall of the old barn again, leaving little flecks of blood on the wall. I had a multitude of little scraps and cuts on the backs of my fingers from the other numerous times I had done the same.

I don’t know why I came here of all places given what had happened the night before but somehow this is where I ended up.

I couldn’t stop running it all through my head, everything we had done for each other, all the things we had talked about, everything we had shared and after all of it he lied to me. That may have hurt worse than the whole unrequited love thing.

Without thinking about I reared back to punch the wall again but a loud snort and a stamp of hooves stopped me.

I turned around and saw Elder standing behind me. I had relieved him of his tack when we got to the barn because I didn’t know how long I was going to be there for, as it stood I didn’t know what to do about anything.

With a thrill of guilt I saw how Elder was shying away from me.

“God I’m such a moron…come on Elder, come here; it’s OK.” I said softly as I held my hands out to him and stepped closer to him.

Elder though didn’t respond, he backed away from me as I crept closer to him.

“Come on boy don’t do this…I’m sorry I spooked you,” I wiped tears off my face with one hand as I continued to make reaching motions with my other, “Please boy come on…I don’t think I can survive you walking away from me too.”

Maybe it was my words or tears or the sound of my voice but Elder stopped backing away from me and let me come up to him. Ignoring the blood on my knuckles I ran my hands up the side of his face then wrapped my arms around his neck and tucked my face against him and cried.

I don’t know how long I stood there crying, Elder was a good sport about it, not moving and letting me bawl like a baby for a long time. I cried about a lot of things, about loving David, David loving and lying to me, about dad hating me and David leaving.

After awhile though Elder must have gotten tired of it or thought I had cried enough because he moved, pressing his neck against my face.

“Yea I guess it is time for us to go…thanks for loaning me your shoulder…or neck as the case may be. Maybe I can scare up a couple of sugar cubes for you when we get home, it’s been ages.” I said and Elder nickered softly.

As I saddled him up and took off home I couldn’t help but think about what I was going do to when I got there. In all honesty I wasn’t sure, but Elder had a point, it was time to go home.

                                                           *      *      *

“Billy, David, are you two in here?” Annie’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts and quickly I climbed down to the floor.

“Oh David there you are, do you know where Billy is?” She asked as she looked around the barn.

“Yea he is out on Elder…he said…He said that Elder was looking a bit restless so he decided to take him out for a while longer.” I lied quickly. My tone was all sorts of off but she seemed to believe me.

“Well that’s good, he does get antsy; why didn’t you go with him?” Annie asked, her expression going from open and friendly to quizzical and calculating.

“He asked but after all this riding the last few days I’m a little saddle sore, decided I would take a break today.” That part was easier as it wasn’t a total lie; I was a little sore all up and down my legs.

Annie kept that look on her face for a few minutes after I finished speaking before it came back to a more normal expression.

“I see. Well, can you give him something when you see him?” Annie asked as she handed me a letter, one glance at it showed it was Colorado, “Mrs. Andrews is going down to Madison and I’ve decided to ride along with her and I can’t leave it lying around.”

“Yea no problem, I can do that. You want us to tell Mr. Templeton where you’ve gone if he comes out while you’re out?” I asked as I slipped the letter into my back pocket, it wasn’t until that moment that I noticed the thick manila envelope that she held in her hand.

“Of course, just tell him I’ve gone to Madison and that I’ll be back before dinner which is in the oven; a delightful roast that should be ready by five thirty. I’ll be back well before then.” Annie smiled as she patted my arm, as she did I heard the crunch of gravel and turned to see Walker's pick up pull into the driveway. Even from a distance it was easy to see the family resemblance between the driver and Walker.

“I’ll see you in a few hours, be sure to give Billy my love when he gets home please.” Annie said as she stood on tip toe and kissed my cheek before taking off.

I watched as Annie climbed up into the pick up and took off. Once she was gone I headed up to the back porch and sat down on the swing.

Having Billy’s letter in my pocket made me want to talk to my uncle even more. I remembered the letters I had gotten from him at the same time Billy got letters from Seth and the thought made me a little home sick. I really wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I was so lost in my dark thoughts that I didn’t realize that Billy had come home, at least not until I heard the sound of his boots on the porch. I looked up to see him standing on the steps looking at me, the look on his face made me think that he couldn’t decided whether he wanted to kiss me or punch my lights out.

And right at the moment I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to happen more.

                                                           *      *      *

I saw Walker's truck heading down the road as me and Elder trotted out of the trees, Walker wasn’t driving though, instead it was Mrs. Andrews and I caught a glimpse of mom in the passenger seat. I wondered where they were going together.

I turned Elder toward the barn and as we went I saw David sitting on the back porch swing. After I relieved Elder of his gear and hung it back on the wall I headed up to the house.

By the time I made it up to the porch I had built up a head of steam and was ready to have it out with him. David didn’t take any noticed of me so I crossed my arms over my chest and kicked the step in front of me.

David looked over to me and his expression caused me to rethink my entire approach. I had seen that look before, on myself in the mirror so many times. That lost, broken look.

“Why did you lie to me?” I asked my voice more even than I felt.

“You didn’t remember, though I guess you do now,” David said quietly, and I nodded to let him know to keep talking, “I felt, and feel, like shit about it. I thought about telling you anyway because I felt so bad about lying to you but then…you seemed happier than you had before and I didn’t want to depress you by bringing up a hopeless situation.” David said in a defeated sort of voice.

“How is it a hopeless situation David? If it were just me I could understand it but you feel he same way as…as I do.” I tried to keep my voice from shaking but I admit I wobbled there a bit at the end.

“For fucks sake,” David exclaimed as he shot up out of the swing and walked over to the railing, “Yes I love you, is that what you wanted to hear? I go to sleep thinking about you and wake up smiling because I know I get to spend the day with you; even if all we’re doing is working. I think about those times we kissed and when I woke up asleep on your shoulder after the storm. I think about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with you but it just doesn’t matter, it can’t happen.” I David’s voice got progressively lower until his voice was barely more than a whisper.

I wiped tears off my face as I stepped up behind him. I reached out a shaky hand to put it on his shoulder but I stopped myself and let it fall to my side.

“Why can’t it happen David?” I asked quietly, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

“Because I’m leaving Billy. I don’t want to leave…I love it here but it doesn’t change the fact that I am going to be on a bus in August on the way home and chances are I’ll never be able to see you again. I…I don’t think I can touch you and kiss you and be with you and then just leave it all behind.” David’s voice wasn’t even more than a whisper and without thinking about I stepped up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“I don’t know what to say David. It isn’t fair. Life throws us together and lets us fall for each other even though we have such little time together. It just…it isn’t right. I don’t know what to do…I’ve never had feelings like this before and it seems like I’m equal part terrified and exhilarated.” I whispered against his shoulder.

David didn’t say or do anything for a few moments but then he turned around in my arms and wrapped his around me.

“I don’t know what to do either Billy…All I know is that feeling like this and not being able to do anything about it hurts like hell. And knowing what it is putting you through, knowing that it’s my fault…that just makes it worse.” David spoke as he rubbed a hand up an down my back.

As we stood there holding onto each other I thought over everything and with a hard swallow I made a decision.

I pulled away ever so slightly and looked at David, I was a little shocked to see that his eyes were wet with unshed tears.

“I…I know this sounds stupid but…I’d rather take a few months of being with you, really being with you than this torturous back and forth game…I know you’re leaving and I know it’ll hurt like hell when you go but…but that doesn’t change what I feel. I’d like to take what time we have…if you think you can.” I said firmly.

For a few minutes we just stood there looking at each other, David’s gaze seemed to go right through me and as he blinked little tears fell down his cheek. I raised one hand to brush it away but David caught me by my wrist and brought my hand to his mouth and kissed my palm.

Before I could say anything David leaned forward and kissed me, it wasn’t like the two I had initiated; no gentle brush of lips but an honest to god kiss. I followed David’s example, moving my lips in tandem with his, following his lead.
David pulled back ever so slightly then leaned forward again and swiped his tongue along my lower lip. I swallowed my nerves and leaned forward and repeated his actions.

David let out a little growl and leaned in, his tongue thrust gently against mine and I felt a shiver run through me. The rough brush of his taste buds against mine gave way to David exploring every inch of my mouth he could as he slipped his hands under my shirt to rest on my lower back.

“I…I can do this Billy, but only on one condition,” David said quietly and I nodded for him to continue, “After today…don’t…don’t say that you love me…it is going to be so hard to leave you as it is…if I hear those three words everyday…I might never be able to do it.”

I wanted to argue, to tell him how stupid he sounded but… but then I realized that this was the only way I would get to be with David…no matter how short a time it was going to be.

Besides…maybe he had the right idea.

“I won’t, but you’re gonna have to listen to it a few more times today…just so I can get it out of my system.” I smiled nervously and David leaned in and rested his forehead against mine; his nose brushing mine.

“I love you Billy…I want you to know that.” He whispered as he took one hand from under my shirt and brought it up to rest on my neck.

David’s eyes were closed so I swallowed past the lump in my throat.

“I love you too David…and I want you to remember that, always.” I whispered back. I don’t know why it felt so important that I say those words but it was.

I will…I promise.” David answered before leaning in and sealing his lips over mine.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************   

I want to thank Rush for her work in editing, without her I would be nowhere. As always, I love to get your thoughts and opinions so feel free to email me at allenarcane88@yahoo.com, drop me a PM, write me a review or visit the discussion forum.

I read and respond to everything.

Discussion forum link.
http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/26094-indiana-summer/