The Reluctant Master - 16. Chapter 16

Foley

From Foley: didn’t Blake say, “Only connect?”

From Alan: Nope, E. M. Forster

From Foley: yes, i get that a lot. conflicting opinions. but i have been corrected previously. obviously, more correction is necessary. and needed and wanted. again, thank you, Sir, for both contacting me and informing and educating me. best to you---sincerely. here’s my "mug"

From Alan: You’re an interesting and good-looking man, though perhaps a bit lazy if you’ve only continued repeating what you’ve written instead of correcting it. However, it will soon be winter and very cold where you are, and nature will make you pay.

From Foley: dear Sir: i tire of paying nature, though you are most correct, Sir. i yearn for not living in fear and doubt and pine for freedom. which , paradoxically, can or may be brought about through more explicit bondage and less manipulative, passive social ties. thank you for your kind words. you are most intriguing yourself, Sir.
lazy?---yes. overwhelmed---more so. i am realizing that i have chosen the latter to avoid and hide. but---even a year ago , i was not sending out my photo. so here i am, so to speak my warm regards to you, Sir

From Alan: Why do you stay where you are when there are less restrictive places to live? And there are certainly less restrictive areas of your country to live in. Why not choose one of the more liberal college towns? As for places where you could be warm twelve months a year, well, I think you’d have to leave Canada, so it’s not exactly like you’ve purposely made a chilly choice. Were you also born where you live and feel the tug of loyalty?

From Foley: what very apt questions you ask and how provocative is your message---bravo. short answer(s): fear, timidity, doubt = rut-ville.
mid-answer: i now understand that i accepted my cultural & social brainwashing & that i accepted how inept i was (that was part of the "message") and how wrong i was (from the Catholic faith and church). i have felt isolated and misunderstood, alienated for much of my adult life as well (i know---boo-fucking-hoo---and that would not be wrong to say, either).
longer answer: i’m swimming towards action and hoping to get there. i founded a small company and it keeps me here and now i am 46---can’t go back to working for other people. but, i am fighting to release myself from my self-constucted "glue trap" and open and widen my choices and views. posting on the internet and talking to intelligent daring men who are alpha is part of that. best to you and please write back

From Alan: Running your own business is certainly a more liberal climate, even your cold, repressed area. I’d think that being your own boss would give you some freedom, at least, the assurance you couldn’t be fired for being gay. What area of the province do you live in? And have you ever managed to maintain a partner, or would that have been too bold in what seems like your tiny town?

From Foley: mmm, what a thoughtful man you are. yes, owning my own business is more liberal. but its liberality matters not when you run the company (even as small as this one is, by the way). one doesn’t pee where one eats, so to speak. and being in charge sucks after awhile. not being in charge under the command of inept leaders sucks, too, though.
i am in Halifax.
and "ouch" on that last phrasing of your final question---though accurate. no, i have not been able to maintain a partner in any sense of the verb. i believe i lacked the skills & communication, & the understanding of what honesty means in a true relationship. then, at least. now?---a bit more. i wish we were taught this stuff in schools, though.
thanks for your contact, though. it’s very welcome
hey, btw---i enjoy speaking with you.
here’s my pic.
i’m not ugly and i’m not pretty.
i was in good shape and can be again (stress has added weight to me---but sex could help, you know).
seriously, i am in "process."

From Alan: Yep, you’d already sent me your picture, and I told you you were a good-looking man. Those cold nights are already beginning to weaken your brain.

From Foley: you are right, my brain is weakening! that’s why im so bossy

From Alan: Another boss who wants to be stripped and humbled. A surprisingly familiar combination.

From Foley: what an apt turn of phrase. do you ever call or receive calls from prospective... mmm, contacts? connections? boys?

From Alan: You’re hardly a boy. You manage a small company in a decent-sized city, and no matter how much I’d hate the daily financial struggle and particularly considering how much I’d hate the cold, I envy you. Also, no matter how intensely your Catholicism has a hold of your mind, and how much in the shadow of that you live or have lived, I still don’t get how you’ve managed to maintain the illusion of being straight. Unless you’ve been celibate all these years. Because all it would probably take is to suck one dick in all of Nova Scotia, and people on your tiny island would know you were gay. So you must be a very good magician. Still, it’s no wonder you want to squirm naked at some other guy’s feet. It would mean not making decisions or thinking. Though I don’t think you’d like it very much.

From Foley: now why do you say that i wouldn’t like it? and i’ve sucked dick, dated guys, and had "relationships" but i have been celibate for a long time. hey can you send me some pics? is that cool?

From Alan: How could you maintain a relationship with another guy and still say you’re in the closet? And I’m sorry for your celibacy. And here’s my photo. I’m pretty much a one picture guy on this site, so you’ll have to let it go at that.

From Foley: i am sorry if i gave you the impression that i was in the closet. if i used that phrase (and i don’t think i did?) i meant it about kink / sm / roleplay. everyone knows i’m gay. i apologize if i gave the wrong impression. and, hey, that’s a very sexy photo, you know.

From Alan: Ah, in the closet about the humiliation – that makes sense. Just for that, you get to see a bit more of me. Taken recently at a local quarry. Hope the view lulls you to sleep.

From Foley: yes---absolutely. i have come a long way though about not being ashamed of being ashamed, if that makes sense. i have given up a little bit about needing to understand it to death and have slowly begun to accept that not everything is fully understood or explained. and speaking of understanding---holy cats, that’s a very nice view of your body. you look great without a shirt. you must be a good lover. and, when you have a moment, please let me know about the things that turn your crank. i’m always fascinated by what makes intelligent men go, so to speak. and thanks for chatting with me, too,

From Alan: Interacting with people interests me. As for being a good lover -- sometimes, I connect; sometimes, I don’t. Which takes us back to Mr. Forster. Though, today, I’m thinking more about national and international politics, and wondering if Americans have the discipline to match their ideals or if we’re just a bunch of self-indulgent followers. More than you probably want to talk about when you’d be happier naked. Which, I admit, would amuse and distract you.

From Foley: you know what? i get a genuine kick out of you.
why aren’t you:
a.) closer
b.) closer
c.) closer
and i enjoy talking about more than being naked. i’ve never been bound that way or at all. i know i would be terrified and thrilled. and strangely safe.

From Alan: If I were closer, we could explore that. But I still think it would soon get boring for a man as independent as you seem to be. And if you really want to practice being obedient, take a couple of pictures of yourself naked. You don’t have to send them to me, or to anyone. Just take them, print them out, and put them somewhere in your house where no one would readily find them. Just knowing they’re hidden could keep your little Catholic heart palpitating through the cold winter.

From Foley: a.) you write the most interesting messages---you really do. b.) i’m planning on working out more, dieting to lose the extra weight put on in the past 10 months (12?) due to stress and , frankly, depression. c.) i might get bored. i get bored now though. so would there a difference? seriously, is there? maybe less of one with knowing that the boredom comes along with the work. d.) maybe i’ll come and visit. hey,ya never know

From Alan: You’d be disappointed if you ever came to visit, for reasons I haven’t been honest about. Now there’s a surprise – someone who’s lying on the Internet. The first picture you saw of me is a half-dozen years old. My hair has now lost that glow and is a mousy brown you can’t see in the bright sun at the quarry. Worse, I’m happily married and not about to give that up. Also, I have kids. Digest all that and then tell me how interesting you think I am. Feel like you’ve just been fucked – and crudely? I’m sorry.

From Foley: well.
here are the good points:
you came clean about who you were and are (at least, if this version is true?)
you didn’t have to say anything to me and you did
you were certainly direct and to the point
your native intelligence and wit don’t diminish because of some choice you made to be disingenuous.
my trust and ability to be forthright does diminish, but that may be temporary. maybe this interchange is a lesson for me (and you?) maybe we get what we deserve. but i thank you , sincerely, for making the choice to write me and inform me of "who you are." still, i’m not a big fan of adultery, so i’m disappointed that the gold ring is neither gold nor brass---just tin. yet there is much to be said for choosing honesty. let me digest---okay?

From Alan: Another famous quote: "How do you like your blue-eyed boy now?"

From Foley: what’s that from, by the way?
my "rub" with this situation has almost always been this---i’m jealous. i have lived my entire life alone and am (as of yet) unable to have continued companionship or friendship. so i treasure what you have. i still enjoy you, and (in a way) more so because you leveled with me. but i want a boyfriend or master or both combined. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve cried because i’m so lonely and feel so overwhelmed and "out of the circle." yes, i know---it’s depression---and it may be to some degree. we are born alone. blah blah blah. but you go home to flesh and blood. i go home to computer chat and eat alone. enough---basta
and how do i like my blue eyed boy now? i don’t have a blue eyed boy. i have email contacts and phone jerk-off buddies. and that’s not the same now, is it?

From Alan: It’s e.e. cummings, in a poem about Buffalo Bill. I usually add the “now” for context. And you’re a lot more interesting than a guy with only phone jerk-off buddies. But you’re also shy, and there’s no reason to be. Go take the risks that you’ve been taking with me but with accessible guys. And you know how much compromise there is in business? Well, there’s as much in any relationship. And the more flexible you are, the easier it is to be happy.

From Foley: are you happy, Sir?

From Alan: Yes.

From Foley: as i said---i’m jealous.