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I Saw His Face When I Awoke


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Hi all,

 

Writing poetry isn't really my thing, but I felt particularly inspired to write this piece. It isn't mere fantasy, but a slightly embellished description of an actual experience relating to a real boy from my past. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

 

 

 

 

I saw his face when I awoke

 

 

 

I saw his face when I awoke.

 

His smooth, milky skin radiated

An innocent beauty in the half-light.

 

His deep, dark blue eyes immediately seized my gaze

And demanded my attention.

 

I pondered the beauty of his soul,

Mesmerized by the flecks of lighter colour

Interspersing the dark of his pupils.

 

I felt my stomach quiver with excitement

As I took note of the long, soft strands of hair

Partially concealing the corner of his right eye.

 

He had hair like a young calico;

Patches of red, blond, and every shade of brown imaginable

Were strewn carelessly over his head.

Disheveled yet desirable,

This boy

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I can see him

...

...

 

the feeling and visuals got my attention

I liked the rhythm, free form and jazzy

 

this is what I felt

It was like I was looking at this young man through your eyes, but then it was my eyes, and you allowed that to happen through the verse

it was visual, but it also evoked the tactile senses, I wanted to reach out and touch

I think I want to keep the feeling I got and leave it at that...

 

thank you

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I think it's beautiful. I like the buildup from beginning to end, how it starts out innocent at first when you're describing the boy's qualities and then by the time you get to the desire to kiss him, it becomes intense, almost like a hunger.

 

It feels very surreal and if I hadn't known it was a memory, I'd have though it was a dream. Either way, I think what everyone can relate to in this poem is the fact that all good things come to an end. In the second last stanza, the boy becomes a "blur" and whether it's a memory or a dream, we get the feeling that this moment of bliss is temporary (which we all experience since nothing in life stays the same). But somehow (from the change of tone in the end), everything's going to be alright because just knowing that it happened and being able to relive that memory, can be comforting too. :)

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I wish I had known him. He sounds so beautiful in so many ways. The poem is very powerful and invocative... so who cares about style and form. What is the purpose of any piece of writing, be it poetry or prose, but to paint a picture and promote a reaction... which this certainly did. Well done.

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I liked it, Kevin! :2thumbs: It's friendly and warm and happy.

 

Instead of teeth, I would do a chin or shoulders. Chins can be incredibly sexy. :wub:

 

I'm uncertain about what you mean when you say the structure and rhythm aren't good. Maybe you're just not happy with it.

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I like it because it reminds me of youth. The glory of morning. The taste of a lover in your mind. And even an expectancy at the end. Words that tell secrets. Wonderful.

 

Liked the comments too.

 

Hopeful.

 

Sam

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Darn! Great piece of writing. Reminds me of the very famous 'I am the love that dare not speak it's name' poem, by Oscar Wilde. I would love to see a bit more description of the environment/atmosphere where you have met your dream boy, along with his features, though; this would have made the scenario seems even more real. But maybe that's just me. Great job, by the way, hope to see more poems from your side.

 

Take care.

Edited by warrior
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I can see him

...

...

 

the feeling and visuals got my attention

I liked the rhythm, free form and jazzy

 

this is what I felt

It was like I was looking at this young man through your eyes, but then it was my eyes, and you allowed that to happen through the verse

it was visual, but it also evoked the tactile senses, I wanted to reach out and touch

I think I want to keep the feeling I got and leave it at that...

 

thank you

Thanks Ai, :)

 

I'm very glad to hear how the poem made you feel and I'm delighted that my description was enough to visualize him!

 

 

 

beautiful!

 

Rhythm an structure don't matter when you're able to put so much feeling it in.

Thanks Kia! :)

 

I hope to get a bit better at the rhythm and structure too though. As I said, I don't typically write poetry; this is the first piece I've done in years and it was never my primary outlet. I've enjoyed reading the poems here so much though that when I felt an inspiration to write this one I thought I'd share it :)

 

I think it's beautiful. I like the buildup from beginning to end, how it starts out innocent at first when you're describing the boy's qualities and then by the time you get to the desire to kiss him, it becomes intense, almost like a hunger.

 

It feels very surreal and if I hadn't known it was a memory, I'd have though it was a dream. Either way, I think what everyone can relate to in this poem is the fact that all good things come to an end. In the second last stanza, the boy becomes a "blur" and whether it's a memory or a dream, we get the feeling that this moment of bliss is temporary (which we all experience since nothing in life stays the same). But somehow (from the change of tone in the end), everything's going to be alright because just knowing that it happened and being able to relive that memory, can be comforting too. :)

 

Thanks Boy! :)

 

I was definitely going for a build in intensity toward the end. It also was supposed to be half-dreamlike, half-memory. Basically I awoke the other day, probably from a dream, and I did visualize him. I remembered his features and I certainly did long to kiss him. Of course in the end I was simply alone with my pillow. I did take comfort from his memory though and I thought about adding a line to the effect of "And I knew it was going to be a good day." It was a good day, but I ultimately decided to leave that part out of the poem.

 

 

I wish I had known him. He sounds so beautiful in so many ways. The poem is very powerful and invocative... so who cares about style and form. What is the purpose of any piece of writing, be it poetry or prose, but to paint a picture and promote a reaction... which this certainly did. Well done.

Thanks Nephylim! :)

 

He was indeed a beautiful individual, inside and out ;)

 

I liked it, Kevin! :2thumbs: It's friendly and warm and happy.

 

Instead of teeth, I would do a chin or shoulders. Chins can be incredibly sexy. :wub:

 

I'm uncertain about what you mean when you say the structure and rhythm aren't good. Maybe you're just not happy with it.

Thanks Conner! :)

 

He did have terrific shoulders...and arms! :wub:

 

I was sort of going for a neck up description though. As for his chin, it was cute, but like his nose (which I also didn't describe), to me it sort of felt like it served to set off his other features rather than taking focus itself. His chin and nose were nice, but what I really remember are his grin, eyes, cheeks, and hair.

 

I really do think I need to work a lot on the structure and rhythm and I'll probably edit/rearrange things just a bit. Thanks very much for the kind comment about them though! :D

 

 

 

I like it because it reminds me of youth. The glory of morning. The taste of a lover in your mind. And even an expectancy at the end. Words that tell secrets. Wonderful.

 

Liked the comments too.

 

Hopeful.

 

Sam

 

Thanks Sam :)

 

It definitely was a youthful memory; I knew him when we were in high school. I haven't seen him in several years and often wonder what ever became of him.

 

I am going to agree with everyone above me. I too saw him, your perfect boy, his perfect form, his exquisite beauty.

Thanks Sandra!

 

I think you sort of hit on the word I was going for: perfect. He is perfect in my memory. Perfect precisely because there was a mutual attraction that was never acted upon. Instead we spent our days with carefree light flirting and long talks. His most attractive feature was probably the way he trusted me. Whether he had a problem in his personal life or in school he always came to me for help and advice, and I always did my best to ensure that he wasn't disappointed. We never had an actual romantic or physical relationship though, and I think that's why he remains "perfect" in my memory. There have been a lot of "beautiful boys," but none of them seem "perfect" because I had the time and intimacy required to see their flaws. Everyone has flaws of course, and I'm very grateful and happy with the experiences I had with these other people. Nevertheless, I'm delighted that I never did go further with the boy in the poem, delighted even that we lost touch after high school. I've had lots of great boyfriends, great flings, and great, enduring friendships; I'm really pleased that I have at least this one "perfect boy" in my memory.

 

Darn! Great piece of writing. Reminds me of the very famous 'I am the love that dare not speak it's name' poem, by Oscar Wilde. I would love to see a bit more description of the environment/atmosphere where you have met your dream boy, along with his features, though; this would have made the scenario seems even more real. But maybe that's just me. Great job, by the way, hope to see more poems from your side.

 

Take care.

 

Thanks Warrior :)

 

Wow, a comparison to Oscar Wilde! :*) I am flattered indeed and am fully aware that my poem needs a lot of work. Thanks though :)

 

The setting for the poem was my bed. LOL, for some reason it seems that I always have my characters relating to each other in bed, even when one of them is me. :lol:

 

I did think about making it more explicit that it was a bed and perhaps describing the sights and feelings. Perhaps I should have. I ultimately decided that I wanted to leave the focus on his face though. Perhaps I will try another poem at some point in the future :)

 

 

 

 

Thanks very much for the reviews and comments everyone; I really appreciate them! :D

 

Take care all,

 

Kevin

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I liked this poem a lot Kevvers, the imagery was really good and it flowed really well. There were some wordy issues in the middle, but when you're creating images I'd take all the words I can get.. lol.. But that could be where you say you're not happy with the Rhythm, but rhythm is more or less a personal preference. Structurally it's just fine.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all,

 

Writing poetry isn't really my thing, but I felt particularly inspired to write this piece. It isn't mere fantasy, but a slightly embellished description of an actual experience relating to a real boy from my past. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

 

 

 

 

I saw his face when I awoke

 

 

 

I saw his face when I awoke.



 

His smooth, milky skin radiated

An innocent beauty in the half-light.

 

His deep, dark blue eyes immediately seized my gaze

And demanded my attention.

 

I pondered the beauty of his soul,

Mesmerized by the flecks of lighter colour

Interspersing the dark of his pupils.

 

I felt my stomach quiver with excitement

As I took note of the long, soft strands of hair

Partially concealing the corner of his right eye.

 

He had hair like a young calico;

Patches of red, blond, and every shade of brown imaginable

Were strewn carelessly over his head.

Disheveled yet desirable,

This boy's playful locks matched his playful personality.

 

He had cheekbones that protruded gently

From beneath his supple skin;

They begged to be kissed,

Hard yet soft,

They were impossible to ignore.

 

When he drew his full, almost cherry red lips into an outrageously big grin,

My breath hitched and my mind abandoned coherent thought.

There was the slightest crack on his bottom lip,

Almost as though he had been smiling too much.

It was my heart's desire to cover this lip with my own,

To leave it there until it healed.

 

When he exhaled gently, in a sort of half-laugh, half-sigh

My focus shifted to his teeth.

They were smooth and straight, yet gloriously imperfect.

There was a jagged roughness to a few of his upper teeth.

They were dangerously irresistible;

It was my new life mission to test that sharpness with my own tongue.

 

As I slowly extended my left hand to caress his right cheek

He started to blur.

His features lost their delicate softness

And seemed to melt into a pool of light.

When at last my hand came to rest

It was on naught but my own pillow.

 

I saw his face when I awoke,

And moaned contentedly as I took solace in his memory.

 

 

 

I know the structure and rhythm aren't particularly good, but I hope you were at least able to visualize this 'perfect boy' from my past. Please let me know what you think :)

 

 

-Kevin

 

they were very sensitive and moving these verses. They awake your senses and feel th turmoil of desire.

John Galaor

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  • 4 weeks later...

Nevertheless, I'm delighted that I never did go further with the boy in the poem, delighted even that we lost touch after high school. I've had lots of great boyfriends, great flings, and great, enduring friendships; I'm really pleased that I have at least this one "perfect boy" in my memory.

 

 

-its very interesting that you happen to cherish this memory so much, maybe even more than most other memories because of the innocence and simple goodness of the relationship.

 

A comment deadsnake made seemed to me very true: that you can taste in this poem the glory of the morning and the beauty of the beloved. If you still plan to do more editing remember these two characteristics.

 

God bless!

-Anthony

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