Have trouble meeting people's eyes?

[Dio]

I have a pretty general question here for people.

 

When you're out walking the streets or sitting on some sort of public transportation, do you purposefully look around and meet people's eyes? Or are you one of those people who pretends to ignore everyone and then take a quick glance when you think no-one's watching?

 

I was sitting on one of our local buses trying to get back home late last night and I couldn't help but notice that, even though the bus was crammed full of people, no-one was talking. When I got on the bus and looked around, everyone seemed to find their shoes or some magical spot on the ceiling desperately intriguing. I have never been around so many people and felt so alone--I might as well have been getting a ride home in a cardboard box. And I mean, it wasn't just that particular time, when I walk around downtown to get to matches I have never once had someone meet my eye. I mean they'll glance but if they catch me looking back its suddenly "oh wow gee look at that cement...*whistle* mmmmhmmm yup, thats some quality cement."

 

My friends think I'm pretty weird, I mean, I'll sit beside some random homeless guy on the bus and strike up a conversation about just about anything I can think of. I've played a game of magnetic checkers with a hyper kid who was driving his mother and all the passengers up the wall. Most times I've tried to strike up conversation have resulted in the said person pretending that I didn't exist or gabbling some non-commited answer under their breath as if afraid of who might be listening. The art of meeting someone's eye and striking up friendly conversation just seems to be beyond most people and that frustrates me.

 

Anyone relate? Or is this just a north american thing? hehe

[Rocketcnj]

Hi,

 

well, I tend to look right into people's eyes and smile....I get weird looks..but I still do it.

 

I used to think its an unfriendly tough NJ thing....when I lived in Toledo, I found the opposite. I used the bus system all the time to get around....whenever I was waiting for a bus, everyone always said hello, or good morning or good evening, how are you..how was your day.....coming from NJ where if you said hello, you got weird looks..it was culture shock for me...but I found that people were friendly...

 

now, where I live, I find the same thing...I like my area in central NJ and people tend to be very friendly....

 

I also find that for some reason, I must have a face or attitude where people tend to tell me anything and everything (maybe the concept of telling one's life story to a stranger so what's the big deal...but I get that a lot....so, I try to listen, be patient and to let people talk..I always learn more then I ever expect and that's a good thing)

 

I do know what you mean about people not making eye contact and being hostile or down right rude or just pretend that as a person, I am invisible....that's when I tend to smile more and see if I can get the person to smile back or I will say hello to them.

 

I enjoy being a people person and observe people and what they do and say.....its quite fascinating.....and by being alert, observing and just watching, I pick up on vibes and try to find that person who may need a smile or a hello....

 

I also always wonder (ever walk in a Shopping Mall and just listen and watch and then wonder about how people treat those they are with...and wonder the stories of life that go with them....

 

so, no, you are not weird...actually, I think you doing what you do makes you an Angel of sorts...being a people person and reaching out to others is for lack of a better word makes us better humans and more humane....and I always feel better when I do....so, in a sense, it helps me more then I may help someone by listening to someone who just needs someone to have contact with and such.

 

Michael

[Guest bluesdreamer]

I have traveled around quite a bit of the world except for the far east and most places I went I have seen what you are talking about Dio. I love to draw people out and chat with them too. I have always had pretty good luck with it, I am a good listener and folks just seem to understand that.

 

My favorite is the elevator. 90% of the folks are allways looking at either their feet or the roof. I love starting conversations on them and see how many will respond.

 

[Dio]

I also always wonder (ever walk in a Shopping Mall and just listen and watch and then wonder about how people treat those they are with...and wonder the stories of life that go with them....

 

so, no, you are not weird...actually, I think you doing what you do makes you an Angel of sorts...being a people person and reaching out to others is for lack of a better word makes us better humans and more humane....and I always feel better when I do....so, in a sense, it helps me more then I may help someone by listening to someone who just needs someone to have contact with and such.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Nice to meet you by the way

 

I've done that with friends before...not on purpose...but when you're sitting waiting for someone going to the bathroom or in a shop you don't care for...I always enjoy watching people. Actually, people in shopping malls are marginally more sociable than when travelling.

 

And yea...I don't know...I guess I've always thought that being friendly to strangers was important...for me, it felt so socially dysfunctional just sitting surrounded by people and pretending to ignore them. Blah!

 

 

My favorite is the elevator.  90% of the folks are allways looking at either their feet or the roof.  I love starting conversations on them and see how many will respond.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

haha, yes! I had forgotten the 'ol elevator routine. Its always good for a laugh. The doors open and everyone files in silently. People jostle as they push buttons--on the rare occasion someone might actually ask for a button to be pushed. Then everyone cranes their necks and watches the little lights flash as the floors scroll by.

 

Boy, what I wouldn't give to be able to listen in on what they're thinking as everyone shuffles uncomfortably.

[gobears20022002]

I find that the more congested the population is, the less friendly people are. I like to observe people also. Perhaps in the cities people don't want to be bothered. I know con men are always overly friendly. Perhaps thugs will give you the "What are you looking at?" and mug you. When I make eye contact I give the nod and smile. Perhaps I will engage in some small talk.

[reapersharvest]

As is the case wiht most cities I ssume, I've grown up in an environment that forbids eye contact. Mostly because I guess they're used to when it could get you in trouble, as it has for many. However, there are always little homey "pockets" of friendliness where people are more likely to indulge you a couple of nice phrases, like in the village. Then there's places like the financial district, where you can get run over if you even slow to a walk at one point.

[Dio]

I find that the more congested the population is, the less friendly people are. I like to observe people also. Perhaps in the cities people don't want to be bothered.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Yea, thats hitting the nail right on the head. I must admit it is pretty awkward starting up as conversation with one person on a crowded bus. Everyone pretends they're not listening but you knowthey're all riveted. hehe

 

Actually, that can be fun if you're on the bus or rail with someone you know who doesn't get embarassed easily. Oh, the possibilities...

 

As is the case wiht most cities I ssume, I've grown up in an environment that forbids eye contact.  Mostly because I guess they're used to when it could get you in trouble, as it has for many.

<...>

Then there's places like the financial district, where you can get run over if you even slow to a walk at one point.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I've been to nyc once for a tournament. I have never been so stressed just walking down the street. I got yelled at by a cabbie, my wallet got stolen and some random guy threatened to stab me if I didn't move my ass outta his way. Somebody needs to spread some lovin' down there. Definitely not for me! hehe

[DomLuka]

I would say that most people are more untrusting than they are unfriendly. You never know if someone is just being friendly or if they have ulterior motives. My Grandpa learned this the hard way when he tried to give a woman stranded on the street a ride home, she ended up stabbing him in the shoulder. (This was years ago, and he

[Guest fayevalentine]

I'm in Canada and I know that people visiting from other countries have said to me that Canadians are super friendly. One girl from france thought it was odd the way we smile at ppl we don't even know and stuff like that.

 

I tend not to talk to ppl on the bus, especially if I'm alone, cuz I'm a girl and well the world just isn't safe for a gal out on her own. I will talk to women and children, but um men I don't know scare me . I found that when I was a nanny, it was especially easy to strike up a conversation with someone who has kids with them also.

[Blood_Rose]

I tend to scope my surrounding when I go out, so I have deen told by close friends. People tend to stare back into my eyes, as usually is the case people tend to start up a conversation with me. I never relies until a close friend told me and then family started to say the same thing about strangers all ways coming up to me and talknig to me, telling me their life story pretty much. It happen just the other day while my sister was visiting me, we were waiting for a table to open up.

 

I have been told cause its my soft look( I don't know what to think about that yet) I told them I am not soft, the come back was " you have soulfull eyes" what ever the hell that means, ACK. If some one knows tell me please!

 

When it comes to elevators, if its a male I make sure I have eye contact with him and convesration, if he want to or not. I hope that anwers you. :wacko:

 

Santia

[Guest bluesdreamer]

I tend to scope my surrounding when I go out, so I have deen told by close friends. People tend to stare back into my eyes, as usually is the case people tend to start up a conversation with me. I never relies until a close friend told me and then family started to say the same thing about strangers all ways coming up to me and talknig to me, telling me their life story pretty much. It happen just the other day while my sister was visiting me, we were waiting for a table to open up.

 

I have been told cause its my soft look( I don't know what to think about that yet) I told them I am not soft, the come back was " you have soulfull eyes" what ever the hell that means, ACK. If some one knows tell me please!

 

When it comes to elevators, if its a male I make sure I have eye contact with him and convesration, if he want to or not. I hope that anwers you. :wacko:

 

Santia

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

 

This might help you out a bit, my grandmother told me that I had inherited her "Evil Eye".

 

Soulfull, Evil according to my Grandmother they interpet into the same thing and not "Evil" as you are thinking.

 

People have a easy time talking with us, they share much more than they really mean to, but on the other hand at least with me anyway, I can transmit my feelings just by looking at someone.

 

It is called being "empahic" we are very open and can read others emotions. This makes us very easy to talk with.

 

Not a very good explaination, but I hope it helps you understand a bit.

[Guest VivaLaDiva!]

I'm hard of hearing and my first instinct when someone's around is to look at their lips; then after catching the thread of conversation; I then look at the eyes (and hopefully won't fall in love with them at the moment and say something incredible stupid).

In a crowed situation as in the bus or elevator (more than 2 peope) I tend to ignore unless someone is clearly speaking to me. Nothing personal but its hard for me to listen and to respond if needed to.

 

I like to think of the literary aspect of not communication visually but thinking of what they may be thinking on that bus ride or elevator run. The careful thoughts and planning of the day to how they want to talk to that cute brunette in the next aisle over .....

 

 

I'm new to this site and the current topic so if I seem out of line or anything please pass me a note!!

 

Thanks

[Blood_Rose]

I tend to scope my surrounding when I go out, so I have deen told by close friends. People tend to stare back into my eyes, as usually is the case people tend to start up a conversation with me. I never relies until a close friend told me and then family started to say the same thing about strangers all ways coming up to me and talknig to me, telling me their life story pretty much. It happen just the other day while my sister was visiting me, we were waiting for a table to open up.

 

I have been told cause its my soft look( I don't know what to think about that yet) I told them I am not soft, the come back was " you have soulfull eyes" what ever the hell that means, ACK. If some one knows tell me please!

 

When it comes to elevators, if its a male I make sure I have eye contact with him and convesration, if he want to or not. I hope that anwers you. :wacko:

 

Santia

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

 

This might help you out a bit, my grandmother told me that I had inherited her "Evil Eye".

 

Soulfull, Evil according to my Grandmother they interpet into the same thing and not "Evil" as you are thinking.

 

People have a easy time talking with us, they share much more than they really mean to, but on the other hand at least with me anyway, I can transmit my feelings just by looking at someone.

 

It is called being "empahic" we are very open and can read others emotions. This makes us very easy to talk with.

 

Not a very good explaination, but I hope it helps you understand a bit.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

It does haelp alot, Thank you so much( big hugs, if you don't mind.)

I happen to inherit my grandfathers soulfull eyes/evil eye..........laughs.

It so happen I just rememeber how people would come up to him to just talk. hmm, I wonder how I didn't before. Just wondering bluesdreamer have you ever been told you are a open connection. Like I can feel when someone is watching me, and the person really is or I visit a place, know I have never been there but know my way around. Well just wondering?

 

Santia

[Sugarmag]

I am a very shy person so I am not the type of person to strike up a conversation and I feel uncomfortable when someone I don't know talks to me. I also tend to avoid eye contact for the same reason. I don't like to draw attention to myself.

 

When I was 16 my family moved from Chicago to a small town in downstate Illinois. Just like Michael it was total culture shock. People would drive down the road and wave at you even if they didn't know you. At first I was looking around trying to figure out who they were waving to. I got over it, but I still find it strange. When I met the principle of the highschool he put his arm around me and I amost hit him.

 

Mag

[Dio]

I'm hard of hearing and my first instinct when someone's around is to look at their lips; then after catching the thread of conversation; I then look at the eyes (and hopefully won't fall in love with them at  the moment and say something incredible stupid). 

In a crowed situation as in the bus or elevator (more than 2 peope) I tend to ignore unless someone is clearly speaking to me.  Nothing personal but its hard for me to listen and to respond if needed to.

 

I'm new to this site and the current topic so if I seem out of line or anything please pass me a note!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aw heck, don't worry about that The whole point of this thread was to hear people's thoughts on eye contact.

 

I've only personally met somone in public hard of hearing once, and I think he was the friendliest person ever! He didn't care how loud he had to speak, or how loud I had to speak back...hehe Although, now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if he realised he was talking really loudly.

 

When I was 16 my family moved from Chicago to a small town in downstate Illinois. Just like Michael it was total culture shock. People would drive down the road and wave at you even if they didn't know you. At first I was looking around trying to figure out who they were waving to. I got over it, but I still find it strange. When I met the principle of the highschool he put his arm around me and I amost hit him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Your comment reminded me of the time I drove up to Niagra Falls last year to visit some of my crazy Canadian cousins. I drove up in my jeep, which is an open top 4x4, boy was that fun.

 

I get waves every once in a while normally, but it seems like its a borderline 'cult' thing in niagra. Everyone in that town who owns a jeep (and there are loads of them) waves to you randomely as you drive by giving you a sort of insider smile that was kinda weird. I have never done so many double takes in my life, thinking it was someone I knew... I had several jeeps slow or stop in the middle of traffic to let me turn left (granted it wasn't too busy but the thought was there)...one guy even shouted me down as I was looking for a parking spot and told me he was leaving and I could have his parking ticket and the spot where his jeep was parked.

[EleCivil]

...when I lived in Toledo, I found the opposite. I used the bus system all the time to get around....whenever I was waiting for a bus, everyone always said hello, or good morning or good evening, how are you..how was your day.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

That's because Toledo freakin' rocks . *Nods toward signature*

 

When I'm on busses/walking the streets, I've usually got headphones on, so I don't really start conversations - just give people that slightly upward, eyebrow-raised "Hey, dude" kind of nod. I'll take them off if it's somebody I've talked to before, or if they tap my shoulder/look like they want to talk, though.

 

Eye contact is no problem, but I don't start coversations, just because I was raised with "Don't speak unless spoken to" so heavilly ingrained that I never really bothered to learn how. I spent my time learning and practicing responsive small-talk (the correct responses to things like "What's up?" and "Have a nice day", which I've totally got down now, as long as everybody else stays on-script). I wouldn't be surprised if it takes me a few more years to learn how to open a conversation. Until then, thank God for the "people persons" who know all the opening lines and can start conversations for me .

Edited September 4, 2005 by EleCivil

[peaceofthesouls]

i am friendly guy once i check you

over and make sure you are okay

in you space, i talk and nodded my head

at people even when i am a bad mood,

treat nobody no difference ,

the funny things is, people look at me

different when i talk, i think it is funny

what .... he saying ?

but i am friendly guy

who like people

yes i am canadian

from small country town

[Zarcie]

I live in a growing suburban area, but for the most part there's still this small town feel to a lot of the area. You would think this general level of friendliness with the people you meet would mean at least a moderate amount of eye contact, but really I find that there is little eye contact here, even with the people you are relatively close to.

 

I had the opportunity to spend a year in London and I found I was a little startled at first when people would make eye contact with me. While its true that Londoners are in general rather private and don't make conversation while on the Underground I don't think that makes them unfriendly or uncommunicative. On the contrary, I thought that they utilized eye contact as a way of communicating (thats actually how I got my first date over there, hehe ) a lot more than Americans and while London is a large city their personal space is also a lot smaller. I remember one time when one of my professors came over to talk to me I actually took a step backwards before I could stop myself simply because I was used to having a larger distance between myself and the person I was talking to then she did.

 

Despite their lack of spontanious conversation I also found the culture their endearing simply because of the way they speak and greet the people they do know. For example, my friends and I adopted the custom of a kiss on both cheeks when we saw each other. This is rather intimate as you get right up into the other person's personal space. Also, at my local Waitrose shopping market the cashiers would always say something like, "How are you today my love?". Its these little intimate gestures and expressions that make me really miss London.

 

I think the amount of eye contact has more to do with culture then the level of population, though I'm sure that is a factor too. This is just a thought and I have no real proof to back it up but I think in general Americans are less trusting then people of other nationalities which might explain the difference in the use of eye contact and the amount of personal space here as opposed to the UK or Canada.

 

My sociology professor told my class how at a dinner party while he was talking to someone he would take a half step forward every once in a while and eventually backed the guy up all the way across the room. It would be interesting to try a similar thing with eye contact. The next time you meet someone try and look them right in the eye during the course of the conversation and see what they do. Do they try and look away? Do they find a way to end the conversation quickly? Do they increase the amount of space between the two of you? Can you tell I'm a psych major? lol

Edited September 4, 2005 by Zarcie

[Guest bluesdreamer]

It does haelp alot, Thank you so much( big hugs, if you don't mind.)

I happen to inherit my grandfathers soulfull eyes/evil eye..........laughs.

It so happen I just rememeber how people would come up to him to just talk. hmm, I wonder how I didn't before. Just wondering bluesdreamer have you ever been told you are a open connection. Like I can feel when someone is watching me, and the person really is or I visit a place, know I have never been there but know my way around. Well just wondering?

 

Santia

 

Yep sure have.

[reapersharvest]

I found that when I visited Buenos Aires recently, people there are actually much friendlier generally and have less inhibitions about eye contact or conversations. The whole city actually was much slower paced than I'm used to, even though it's so much bigger than NYC.

[Dio]

I found that when I visited Buenos Aires recently, people there are actually much friendlier generally and have less inhibitions about eye contact or conversations.  The whole city actually was much slower paced than I'm used to, even though it's so much bigger than NYC.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

yea no kidding. I seem to recall reading a statistical study that found Americans work an average of 20% more than citizens of most similarily developed countries in the world Don't quote me on that though.

[gobears20022002]

I live in a growing suburban area, but for the most part there's still this small town feel to a lot of the area.

Edited September 5, 2005 by gobears20022002

[Kel]

I drove up in my jeep, which is an open top 4x4, boy was that fun.

 

I get waves every once in a while normally, but it seems like its a borderline 'cult' thing in niagra. Everyone in that town who owns a jeep (and there are loads of them) waves to you randomely as you drive by giving you a sort of insider smile that was kinda weird. I have never done so many double takes in my life, thinking it was someone I knew... I had several jeeps slow or stop in the middle of traffic to let me turn left (granted it wasn't too busy but the thought was there)...one guy even shouted me down as I was looking for a parking spot and told me he was leaving and I could have his parking ticket and the spot where his jeep was parked. 

 

Dio- Welcome to being a Jeep owner (specifically the Wrangler/CJ/Renegade/Rubicon models). I bought a Wrangler 4x4 soft top in '89 and quickly learned it's an unwritten code between Jeep owners that you wave at each other as you pass one another.

 

Enjoy your ride

 

Kel

[Ender]

I'm generally pretty introspective/introverted, so I'll rarely look at anyone while I'm out, let alone make full eye contact. Even when talking to someone, I have to actually force myself to look at the person sometimes. I have to be pretty comfortable with most people before that isn't a problem.

 

Then there are times where I make a concerted effort to pretty much stare at everything, and project the impression that I'm confident enough to find nothing of concern in all I survey. Some of the results from those times are interesting, but it's actually alot of effort for me.

[Masked Monkey]

It is only very recently that I started making full eye contact with people in public. The flip side is that I will watch people and not avert my eyes when they see me looking (and I don't just mean the cute guys).

 

:king: Snow Dog