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Death

Nephylim

Entry posted by Nephylim

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My mother died today. I wasn't there. When I got to the hospital she was already dead and I went to her room with my sister and neice to sit with the thing that used to be my mother. i say 'thing' not out of any disrespect but to acknowledge the fact that my mother no longer inhabits it.

 

We sat around for a while feeling as if we should be saying or doing something but there was nothing to say or do.

 

I came home and lit candles, said a prayer to the goddess and contemplated what it was I felt I should have done or said. It wasn't really anything to do with my mother's body. I had and have nothing to say to that as it is nothing. Neither do I have anything to say to her spirit that I did not say when it was inhabiting the body... except perhaps goodbye, I hope you finally find peace.

 

You see on the way to the hospital, at the time she died, I was sitting on the train and I heard someone say 'I'm sorry'. There was no one there, no one in the entire carraige... except for me and my mother. She released a lot of things inside me with those two words and that is why I am hoping she finds peace. She has been carrying those words inside her since I was a child and I wish she had said them to me with her body. Never mind, that is her regret and not mine. Her spirit released her. I have no regrets, no need to forgive, no requirement to be forgiven.

 

But I digress. What was it I felt I should be doing? I concluded that I was straining towards the ritual, the ceremony, the due respect... the helping of the soul to find it's way. There was no candle at the foot of the bed, to mirrors to cover with sheets, no windows to open, no prayers to recite. There was nothing but a feeling of... something missing.

 

I think our lives are less rich for the fact that we have so easily cast off the traditions and customs of our forefathers and we are left sterile and lost feeling that something, somewhere is missing.

 

we have to coming of age trials, no rites of passage, no ritual and so we find different rituals to fill the need in our soul... smoking, drinking, abuse, rape, grraffiti... so many. Where are the signposts that tell us where we fit into our society, where are the little things that expect and allow us to pay respect to those who are living and those who are dead?

 

My mother is gone from this world now. She knows the secrets of beyond. I wonder is she weeping now that she knows the truth.

 

I am not weeping. I don't feel the need for it. Somewhere, somehow I feel a rightness about it. I have never mourned death, never cried at funerals. Is that a strangeness in me... who knows it is as I am

 

Night night Mam

21 Comments

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Dargon

My condolences for the departure of your mother, Nephylim. I hope she is now in peace and that one day you'll have a happy reunion with her. 'Hugs'

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hh5

I'll be here for you. Sorry for your loss. Yes she is in this other world.

 

We really don't know whats there. She knows everything now (Past, Present, Future) but we don't.

She knows the truth ... do we really weep at the truth ... I am sure she is proud that her daughter is a fine human being.

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Objectivist
I am not weeping. I don't feel the need for it. Somewhere, somehow I feel a rightness about it. I have never mourned death, never cried at funerals. Is that a strangeness in me... who knows it is as I am

 

I hear ya.

 

James

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Westie

A time for everything... and we are but fleeting visitors here. I like to think that whatever we do, if we leave this world with a little more love in it than there was when we started, then we have done ok.

 

I always remember the quote: " it might not be me who touches a million people, but maybe i'll touch that one, who

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LJH

my condolences, cheryl. I lost my dear mom in March this year. She died in my arms. Funny thing, an hour before she passed on, she told me her body feels different. She asked me to rub her back. She told me to be all that I want to be. She told me she was dying. An hour later it was all over. I miss her terribly, but I have not wept like the rest of the family. She lived with us and saw her pain everyday. The rest of the family didn't. They cried bitterly. Still do. I miss her love, her warmth, her smell. Sometimes, even tho there is no wind, and all the windows and doors are closed, the candles flicker in the house. I know she is near. I find comfort in that. Go well my friend. I'll say a prayer to guide her on.

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Cia
  • Site Administrator

I haven't lost a parent. I can empathize but not sympathize. Each person feels differently about death and life. You are not strange, no honest feeling is strange. You feel what's in your heart to feel and express it your way without worrying about what others think. We'll support you whatever that is.

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old bob

I know what you feel. Each time somebody near to us leaves, a part of us is also leaving. But what remains in us make us stronger and wiser.

Believe me, I know, and with the years and the memories of all who left me, parents and children, they become part of me. Sadness becomes Understanding and Death make sense.

You will also feel it.

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phana14

Never having had a "parent" per se, I can't relate to a lost "Mother". However, I have lost several very sweet and loving friends in the past few years.

And life goes on. You are a very strong woman Nephy! We ALL know that! But if you catch your breath in a hitch, or ever feel that ONE tear falling down on your face, please remember that we are ALL here with you at that moment in time,

And right now I want to hug you and your family more than EVER before!:wub:

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Andrew Q Gordon

Nephy, I would offer my condolences but you do not seem to need them, so instead I will join you in hoping your mum has found peace. I also wish you the same peace as you remember her in whatever way you feel best.

 

Andy

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ricky

I won't say I'm sorry. I never cried at Mom's funeral and I had to tell her she was dieing. It is just another path. She is young again. The "I'm Sorry" you heard I am sure was for this important part of your life and her making you feel that you could not share it with her. None of it here matters really. We learn the lessons and do it again.

 

Love is the perfect music. You have always sung her song. You were the rebel and I'll bet there was a certain admiration for you.

 

So silence yourself, feel her consoling touch, her whisper, her breath, her smell. She will be around until she is satisfied you are all going to be ok. Enjoy it. It is a special closeness. It's a relationship you can't have as completely in life. The shadow movement you catch in your peripheral vision is her letting you know she is there.

 

As for her weeping? No, they don't do that. They see the love as that is what they recognize. The positive energy of love.

 

When your kids were very little playing in the garden, did you care what fantasies they made up? Of course not as long as they were safe and smiling. Neither does the, "IS" judge, weigh or even care.

 

Your mom knows your heart.

Celebrate her life, tell your girls her stories.

Hugz.

Me.

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Forty-Two

I'm thinking of you Nephy. I offer you my strength, but you are so strong already that I doubt you need it. But just in case, I am here for you.

 

Maybe there are fewer rituals and rites nowadays because instead of waiting for society to tell you that you've passed the test and now belong people can decide when they have come of age or how to mourn for themselves... and declare when they want to that they are secure in who they are or what they are doing...

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MidnightSecret

I'm so sorry to hear about such news, I could only imagine.

With that being said, I guess there's no need to cry :]

Because the sun will come out once again,

as if she has never left you,

her memory and her love

will always be perpetuated in your heart.

 

Stay Strong Ms.Wonderful

xoxo,

 

Your Friend

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thatboyChase

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

 

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