Black days suck something awful.

Just want to say,damn girl, you're so cool:

Your stories are amazing and people would be at a loss without them.

Black and blue go really well together.

Most people only dream of going kinky. If you walk that talk then, hell, that's HOT.

Never heard of Semyaza--but did a little read, because I was curious.

And you have standards. Good thing.

Sorry this day sucks. Hope tomorrow picks up for you.

Oh Nephy <3

I would try to give you some words of advice or encouragement but I don't think it'll make any different. You are a very intelligent and caring person and you have a lot to offer. You're just looking at it all wrong, my dear!

Someone, someday will find you and love you! You're too awesome to pass up. :hugs:

I'm 100% sure you will meet your lover. Just mark my words hun.

Being of an age, I understand. We're supposed to have things set by now so we can provide words of wisdom and sage advice. Funny how it doesn't really work that way, you know? We just...do the best we can, hope that 'blue mood' moves along, sooner rather than later. A good cry in the shower and a large glass of wine usually helps.

I wish you peace, Nephy.

Nephy, you're one of my favs on GA and I'm sad to hear you're down.

I wish I can offer some real words of wisdom or something that can really help but I may not be able to. All I can say is that you're just so effing cool Nephy and if you were here, I'd touch you. = P scratch that, but seriously. I hope you can find someone who you can share your life with but if that does not come to be, I hope you can find other ways to enjoy life. No matter what happens though, you know you have many friends at GA who love you to death.

In the words of someone who once helped me...

"May you be happy, may you be well and may you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease"

You know what? Reading all of these romance novels about kids from high school and college is making me feel like I missed the past half of my life squandering around when I was supposed to look for a soul mate while doing everything else I actually did... so... in a way, thank you. I really started to feel like shit myself when I'm not "on par" with the rest of the sappy happy endings I keep reading about.

Anyways, I really think a change in scenery is a good thing. Moving out-of-state for college forced me out of my shell, my safety bubble, and nudged me into the unknown I purposefully did not prepare for so I would have to interact with new people.

On your last bullet point with:

* I'm totally unprepared to compromise on any of the things that make me me for anyone. If there is anyone out there for me they are going to have to take me as I am or not at all

I used to be like that too. I still am this way, I just don't show my blatant distaste for something I don't like or I just don't make my peeving "qualities" as apparent. But I still have them... and it works sometimes...

I'm 24, so in terms of the whole age thing, I know I really have no right to be bitching whatsoever. I understand that. But the feeling's the same. I think we all have these moments where we kind of just have to force ourselves out of the pit of darkness and just... get out of it. Last time I intentionally forced myself to smile the entire day regardless of what I was doing. (Trust me, forcing a smile while you're doing #2 is just plain awkward, and I really didn't feel like doing it again on the second day after the first day didn't yield any noticeable results, but by the 2nd day I was slightly in a better mood)

You give love.

Thank you everyone. I know I was being silly but I guess it catches up with all of us now and again.

One of the problems, I think is that I'm so damned isolated. Because of the kind of life I've led I have a lot of friends but they're all so bloody far away. And I know that some of them would be here in an instant for me (well a couple of hours travelling) but I'm not going to ask them to because they have lives and worries of their own

I suppose that's why i let it out on here because you're all great but you can't drop everything and come rushing in so you won't feel obliged to or guilty if you don't.

I was sitting on the train yesterday and looking at all the people around me and thinking how different I am to them all. That made me realise that I'm different to so many people there really isn't much chance of finding someone like me or even someone who accepts me as I am, are enough like me to provide me with the stimulation I need from a relationship (Not that kind of stimulation I mean someone who is on the same wavelength) I have had dates with people who ket freaked out just walking into my house.

I spent a third of my life being someone different on the outside than on the inside, being afraid to be my real self, to show the world who I am. Now that I have the courage to do that I'm not compromising for anyone. I don't mean that I won't compromise within a relationship... that's stupid and destructive; what I mean is that I am not pushing what I am on the inside again. i am not going to or pretend to stop believing what I believe and doing what I do. If you don't like my blue hair I am not going to dye it. If you don't like my skulls and dakness (especially the goth dolls which are my joy and the paintings I have all around... well you've seen them so you know) I am not going to pack them all up and put them in the attic. That's the kind of thing

I am a witch and a druid and I read tarot and have a crystal ball and do candle magic and celebrate the festivals. I have ghosts in my house who I like having around and am not about to force out. I have black cats and cauldrons and a view of the world that can be offputting. And i love it.

I love the way I live. I love my life. I just wish someone loved me and could share it.

I'm not depressed about it though. My life is very full and on the whole I am very happy. it's just that every now and again... you know...

It sounds like you're feeling better, but I still have a few things:

-The moment it becomes easier is the moment it becomes less heroic.

-Just as big bets in gambling are met by big rewards, so too is it so much more rewarding to have a risky personality type and be loved for it than to have a safe, low-risk personality type and to be loved for being a conformist.

-For certain people, their lives are the piece of art which has more value than any other person could, and they choose it as a life partner in a very literal sense of the term: their life is their partner.

In any event, if you put yourself out in the world as you do on this site, then if there is someone for you, then s/he will certainly find you. You will never have to regret that you didn't do all you could.

Nephy, being different from most of the people around you is not what describes you best. In my eyes you are rare diamond, pure golden, just special. Never ever forget that! You really have every reason to hold your head up high and be broud of who you are and how you live your life. You are a good mum, amazing author, great friend to us, beautiful in my eyes. If you are worried for things outside, there are people who see the whole you.

Your lover is gonna have to be just as special as you, you don't have to settle. As for how to find him/her, I really have no answers.

As for the friends issue, I think the world has become smaller and friends that seem to be far away are closer than the ones we meet daily. I never ever thought I'd find you.

I just adore you Neph.

I think you'll find someone....

ME!

-hops in your lap-

But seriously, I think you will find someone. My boyfriend's father is 60+ years old and met someone, and even me, I've had it hard too, but I found someone who accepts me. Now you have more something than the average person has, and anyone would be lucky to even get a day with you.

If i remember rightly, wasnt Semjeza the leader of the watcher's.... the FATHER's of the Nephylim? either my recollection of the book of enoch is WAY off, or that's INCEST..... mind you, you did say you had some kinks

Nephy, having had the honour of meeting you, i can honestly say that i could never imagine anyone NOT liking you.... stop hiding in a cloud of insecurity, WEAR YOUR PASSIONS and move INTO the world. Know the world, dont hide on the periphery

Nephy, dont give up...

You remember me the the poem "Moses" by Alfred de Vigny :

"Lord, you made ​​me strong and solitary

Let me sleep the sleep of the earth"...

It's perhaps the destiny of strong people to be sometimes isolated...

You are who you are, even when you thinks you are alone, you know that you have a lot of friends around you, friends who are ready to listen, to support you and to be with you, even when we only communicate from far away.

You should be positive. Age is more told by the heart than the body. I don't really think it's a minus for your personality. You're very likely. And I LIKE you very much. Many ppl here do too. We all have moments of desperation and conquering them makes us brave. You're a brave person who is afraid of tomorrow. Take life one day at a time and you'll certainly find your soul mate when you are NOT looking.

Hey Ms.Lovely,

Regardless of the age differances, I'm just like you, I'm lonely too. (:

In my life so far, I've never had a "lover," I've only ever dreamt of it, wrote about it.

All I can say is don't look for it,

it'll come knocking on your door

and he/she will sweep you right underneath your feet.

But for now, keep looking

and keep loving yourself,

there's too much too life to be happy about than to be sad about it!

xoxo take care,

Tony (:

It sounds like you're feeling better, but I still have a few things:

-The moment it becomes easier is the moment it becomes less heroic.

-Just as big bets in gambling are met by big rewards, so too is it so much more rewarding to have a risky personality type and be loved for it than to have a safe, low-risk personality type and to be loved for being a conformist.

-For certain people, their lives are the piece of art which has more value than any other person could, and they choose it as a life partner in a very literal sense of the term: their life is their partner.

In any event, if you put yourself out in the world as you do on this site, then if there is someone for you, then s/he will certainly find you. You will never have to regret that you didn't do all you could.

Do you even know how wonderful you are ???

I just adore you Neph.

The feeling is totally mutual

I think you'll find someone....

ME!

-hops in your lap-

Tease One of these days I am so going to turn up on your doorstep and ravish you

If i remember rightly, wasnt Semjeza the leader of the watcher's.... the FATHER's of the Nephylim? either my recollection of the book of enoch is WAY off, or that's INCEST..... mind you, you did say you had some kinks

Never trust what the Metatron has to say Semjaza was the leader of the military arm. The Malakim were actually governed by a council... which are now apparently GOD.

He wasn't that father of the Nephylim, although he tried to be the father of one of them... but he was the leader of the movement which resulted in their creation and ultimately their fall.

And besides, although I have taken their name doesn't mean that I am or ever was one of the Nephylim, although I was almost the mother of one

Ooops ranting again... Thank you so much for your comment. I love you and Paya to pieces. (that's a Welsh idiom i think and doesn't mean I am going to chop you up the next time I see you)

It's perhaps the destiny of strong people to be sometimes isolated...

You are who you are, even when you thinks you are alone, you know that you have a lot of friends around you, friends who are ready to listen, to support you and to be with you, even when we only communicate from far away.

I think perhaps you are right about the destiny bit

You are definitely right about the friend bit

You should be positive. Age is more told by the heart than the body. I don't really think it's a minus for your personality. You're very likely. And I LIKE you very much. Many ppl here do too. We all have moments of desperation and conquering them makes us brave. You're a brave person who is afraid of tomorrow. Take life one day at a time and you'll certainly find your soul mate when you are NOT looking.

I don't know if I am afraid of tomorrow... maybe I am Thank you so much for your comment... am I allowed to say you're sweet

there's too much too life to be happy about than to be sad about it!

You are so so so so right

I so totally LOVE all of you. It's just so fabulous to have a reminder of what wonderful people there are here and how lucky I am to have friends like you guys.

I really am not down now... at all. I had an off day and yes, sometimes I do get lonely but no more than anyone else.

I wish you all love

Nephy

Dear sweet Nephy.

I'm sorry that I wasn't around when you first posted this blog. I guess THAT is when you most needed your friends. But it was quite heartwarming to see the responses above as it is rather obvious that love is not lost on you! You are indeed a treasure.

Nephy, you have NO idea how much you have meant to me over this past year! There has been so much love, wisdom and humour in your posts and the other means of communication! Perhaps if the word 'author' appeared 'neath my "scary" face I would be articulate enough to help you understand what I'm trying to say.

Hang in there, girlie, if for no other reason than to allow me to return a gift that you sent me: a raft full of hugs! BTW--Did you know that hugs can swim? :) tee hee

See ya around, Nephy!