First off, let me say that the title of this blog says it all....

CANCER SUCKS!!!!

If I never know someone else who has cancer, it will be WAY TOO SOON!!!!

On July 8th, my grandmother was told she had cancer, only they didn't know what kind or even exactly where it was. This came right on top of the news that the chemotherapy worked and my brother was currently cancer free (despite one five day stint in the hospital after getting an infection of some sort). My grandmother was then told that they were going to have to essentially do exploratory surgery to try and remove the cancer tissue. She underwent surgery on July 11th, which ended up being a complete hysterectomy (the cancer tissue was completely surrounding her ovaries as well as some other areas from what I understand) and they also removed her gallbladder for reasons that were never fully explained to me. They believed that they got the majority of the cancer tissue and while there was most likely some microscopic cancer cells remaining, they were fairly confident that those would be able to be taken care of with chemotherapy which they would start the following month.

The doctors had originally said that grandma would be able to return home approximately a week after surgery. Three weeks later and grandma was still in the hospital and not doing well. Her lucid times were few and far between. She had no recollection of the fact that she had spent the last three weeks in the hospital. She would have conversations with people that were about things from the past that she believed were from the present and would get extremely argumentative and borderline verbally abusive if anyone tried to correct her. When she did try to hold a conversation, it was like she was trying to hold four conversations at once, with the same person. All in all, very confusing for not only her, but the person she would be talking to. Essentially she has been in a downward spiral for the last three weeks but they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.

I was sitting here Tuesday night when my mom's truck pulled up outside. I knew something had happened because my mom should have been at work two hours earlier. She had gotten a call from her sisters. Grandma was even worse. They finally figured out that she had an edema (spelling?) caused by an infection (not sure exactly what kind of infection). What I do know is that whatever the infection was, it apparently starts in the pelvic region, moves to the chest cavity, and then moves to the brain. By the time it was figured out what was going on, it had reached both of her lungs, that they knew of. They were uncertain as to whether or not it had reached her brain. The solution, another surgery. The dilemma, another surgery could kill her. The bigger dilemma, without the surgery, she'd die.

My mom rushed down there. They met with the doctors and found out everything they could. What all was discussed I do not know. What I do know is that one of the questions they asked one of the main doctors, out of earshot of grandma, was that if it was his mother in her condition, would he elect to have the surgery done. He told them no. With the shape grandma is in, he told them he thought the best thing for her was for them to make her as comfortable as they could and to let her go. A very hard decision to make. Grandma, from what my mom has told me, was having a lucid moment. Before they could make the decision, she made it for them. She elected to have the surgery.

The last I talked to my mom, Grandma had made it out of the four hour surgery. They hadn't seen her yet and didn't know exactly how she was doing and she certainly isn't out of the woods. Her chances of coming through this are still very slim. For all I know at the moment, we could have already lost her. I've never been overly close to my grandma, not like I am with my Dad's mom, but she is still my grandma and I do love her and I don't know what we're going to do if we lose her.

Between everything with my grandma, the fact that my brother is back in the hospital, and my own health issues, my focus is shot. I've been trying to hold it together as I've had four girls visiting me this week and I can't completely fall apart. They don't know how dire things are and I have to try and keep it that way, at least for two more days. I'm trying, but it's hard. I've got promotions set up for this entire month and luckily I have them already done and ready to go out, so at least if the worst happens, that's pretty much taken care of, but as far as writing new content.... that's pretty much a no go for the moment. I appreciate everyone's patience and I'm sorry for everyone that has been waiting on chapters from me. I can probably still post chapters of Thwarted as I have a few of those waiting in the wings that I can still post every other week, but those might even go by the wayside for a bit.

I'm really really hoping that life settles down soon, because I honestly don't think I can take another year like the last one.

~Renee