Would you have sex with someone who was HIV positive?

[GaryK]

I wonder if any research has been done to compare the efficacy of roll-on condoms versus these relative new spay-on condoms? Does anyone know?

[Tiger]

I have no intention of trying spray-on condoms, Gary. I especially do not intend to use them with someone who is known to be HIV+. I'm paranoid about HIV.

[GaryK]

I have no intention of trying spray-on condoms, Gary. I especially do not intend to use them with someone who is known to be HIV+. I'm paranoid about HIV.

I had this thread in mind when I spoke with one of the non-GA authors I work for the other day. He is HIV+ but his partner is not. I know him well enough to ask about such an intimate topic. He told me they still have sex, but they stick with strictly oral stuff. So it's still possible to play safely even if you're HIV+. The important thing is to let your partner know your status so you can take appropriate measures to keep things on the safer side.

[AFriendlyFace]

I wonder if any research has been done to compare the efficacy of roll-on condoms versus these relative new spay-on condoms? Does anyone know?

My gosh! I thought myself well-versed in safe sex procedures and tools, but I have to say I'm also learning about spray on condoms for the first time as well!

 

Like Tim I'd be pretty reluctant to try these. I'd like to try them just as a lark, but of course since safe sex isn't something I do for fun (well I mean it is, but not the SAFE part of it; I'm serious about that ). So the only way I'd try these would probably be if I were in a really serious, long-term, monogamous relationship with someone I trusted. Which of course in many ways defeats the purpose of these since I'm assuming they're not meant to be a novelty. Perhaps it's just that I don't know much about them, proper procedure, or efficacy.

 

 

I had this thread in mind when I spoke with one of the non-GA authors I work for the other day. He is HIV+ but his partner is not. I know him well enough to ask about such an intimate topic. He told me they still have sex, but they stick with strictly oral stuff. So it's still possible to play safely even if you're HIV+. The important thing is to let your partner know your status so you can take appropriate measures to keep things on the safer side.

 

Well said, Gary!

[Masked Monkey]

I had this thread in mind when I spoke with one of the non-GA authors I work for the other day. He is HIV+ but his partner is not. I know him well enough to ask about such an intimate topic. He told me they still have sex, but they stick with strictly oral stuff. So it's still possible to play safely even if you're HIV+. The important thing is to let your partner know your status so you can take appropriate measures to keep things on the safer side.

Um, I don't wanna get technical here, but unprotected oral sex is NOT safe regardless of if you are talking about HIV or any other STD. Yes, the risk is lower unless you have an open mouth sore, bleeding gums, recently removed tooth, etc., but it sure as hell isn't safe. Semen and pre-cum have a higher concentration of HIV particles than any other fluid in the body, including blood. The mouth is full of mucous memberanes ... not safe, not safe, not safe.

 

As for spray on condoms ... the proof is in the testing, but I tend not to trust my life with anything that hasn't been on the market a while unless I good reason to.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow Dog

[Razor]

I would think that spray-on condoms would work better, actually. They'd be more form-fitted, so the risk of slippage and uneven friction build-up would be far less. ~shrug~

[Graeme]

Um, I don't wanna get technical here, but unprotected oral sex is NOT safe regardless of if you are talking about HIV or any other STD.

Further on that, there was report in The Age newspaper today: Oral Sex Blamed for Throat Cancer Rise

[Razor]

Further on that, there was report in The Age newspaper today: Oral Sex Blamed for Throat Cancer Rise

 

Bad thing is the vaccine is indicated (currently) in young girls who've never had any sexual encounters. You're supposed to get it before becoming sexually active, and I don't know enough about it to know whether it'd be effective in other cases. Apparently they don't know enough about it, either, lol.

[GaryK]

Um, I don't wanna get technical here, but unprotected oral sex is NOT safe regardless of if you are talking about HIV or any other STD. Yes, the risk is lower unless you have an open mouth sore, bleeding gums, recently removed tooth, etc., but it sure as hell isn't safe. Semen and pre-cum have a higher concentration of HIV particles than any other fluid in the body, including blood. The mouth is full of mucous memberanes ... not safe, not safe, not safe.

 

As for spray on condoms ... the proof is in the testing, but I tend not to trust my life with anything that hasn't been on the market a while unless I good reason to.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow Dog

I agree, which is why I used safer and not safe. Except for mutual J/O there's really no such thing as safe sex when someone else is involved.

[NickolasJames8]

What's sad is that over in another forum, I'm actually having to debate the fact that it's safer not to have sex with someone who's HIV + than to use a condom or engage in oral sex. I'm constantly amazed at how people can fool themselves into believing what they want so they can justify their irresponsibility.

[Graeme]

What's sad is that over in another forum, I'm actually having to debate the fact that it's safer not to have sex with someone who's HIV + than to use a condom or engage in oral sex. I'm constantly amazed at how people can fool themselves into believing what they want so they can justify their irresponsibility.

To be fair, the topic being discussed here is different to the one in that other forum (assuming it is the one I'm thinking of, of course -- I could be wrong ).

 

There's no doubt that it is safer not to have sex with someone who's HIV+ -- which is partially what this thread is discussing. The question here, though, is would you do it, even though it's not as safe? There are certainly people who have decided that, yes, they would, if they took appropriate precautions to minimise the risk. I don't think anyone really thinks that the risk would be eliminated, but if they are happy with the level of risk that they are taking, then that is not being irresponsible.

 

As an analogy, the safest way to avoid being killed in a war is to not go to a war in the first place. However, there are many people in the world who do go to war for what they consider to be good reasons. That doesn't make them irresponsible. They have judged the risks and decided to proceed anyway because they feel that the benefits outweigh the risks.

 

The same applied in the topic being discussed here -- if someone feels that the benefits outweigh the risks of contracting HIV, then that is their decision and their right.

[NickolasJames8]

Assuming that they aren't having sex with anyone else, ever again after they have sex with someone who they know is HIV+, I can see the point that they weren't acting irresponsibly. But let's be realistic....if someone is ignorant enough to sleep with someone they know is HIV+, they're most likely ignorant enough to believe that they can sleep with others without disclosing what they've done and that it shouldn't be an issue. And in the other thread, there's only one person arguing that it's not safe for those who are HIV+ to sleep around.

 

Here's an excerpt from a recent post on that discussion topic

 

Forget 'risk' and think, if you'll pardon the expression, positively!

The poster goes on to say, among other things, that saliva kills HIV. The poster also mentions that it's safe to have anal sex with no condom with someone who's HIV+ as long as you pull out and there are no legions present. I know that these are two separate forums and two separate topics, but since it was brought up again, I figured I'd point a few of the unfortunate myths out that people seem desperate to believe.

[Graeme]

Assuming that they aren't having sex with anyone else, ever again after they have sex with someone who they know is HIV+, I can see the point that they weren't acting irresponsibly. But let's be realistic....if someone is ignorant enough to sleep with someone they know is HIV+, they're most likely ignorant enough to believe that they can sleep with others without disclosing what they've done and that it shouldn't be an issue.

I don't see why someone has to be ignorant to knowingly sleep with someone they know is HIV+. It's a calculated risk, and that's their decision. Equally, if they terminate that relationship and ensure they are tested before they sleep with someone else, I can't see the problem, especially if they are up front. In the period of time where they may not know their HIV status, they need to tell any prospective partner, but after tests have shown that they have been negative for a year (say), then I don't see what the issue is. I certainly don't consider them to be ignorant.

 

And in the other thread, there's only one person arguing that it's not safe for those who are HIV+ to sleep around.

Okay, we're clearly talking about two different things, then, because the statement you've made is not one that fits the thread I was thinking of. Indeed, I don't think the issue of people with HIV sleeping around has really cropped up in the thread I originally thought you meant.

[NickolasJames8]

Yeah, we must be talking about different topics. The one I was referring to was on Awesome Dude. I'm not sure which topic you meant.

[Tipdin]

At this point in my life, no.

 

After seeing countless friends die of AIDS, after being an AIDS Buddy, after seeing what happens?

 

I can, will, and do love some people who are HIV positive, and one that has AIDS, but I will not knowingly expose myself to something like that.

[Bleu]

I read this thread months ago but didn't comment at the time since I didn't see it as relevant to my situation. Had I done so, my answer would have been No.

 

Today, however, my response might turn into a "Yes, provided that...".

 

What made me reflect upon this is the fact that I recently learned that the guy I dated over the last two months is HIV+. This came as a surprise, since he lives a completely normal life, if you discount the medication at night.

 

I shared the life of someone with cancer for a few years, so I know that people with a potentially lethal disease yearn for normality. My first reaction, when he told me the news, was to ask how he was, how he dealt with it. He gave me some reassuring answers. Even if things were not perfect, I nevetherless had some feelings for him at this point of our relationship, and I didn't want him to think I would outright reject him because of his HIV status.

 

Now, we broke up last week, mainly because of incompatibilities unrelated to his health. But I must admit that the news helped me speed up my decission process, especially the fact that he only told me about this after we had ended up in bed together. Knowing what we have done, I am not overly worried about my health, and will go have my regular test when it is due. I am not exempt of responsability, of course. I was, if not careless, then probably not as careful as I should have been. I have learned a lesson.

 

Although things didn't work out with this particular guy, it made me realise that I might consider entering in an exclusive relationship with a guy who is HIV+, provided he had told me upfront and clearly made every effort to protect the both of us at all times (two things I didn't get this time).

[AnytaSunday]

Certainly wouldn't be something to rush into, but if my feelings were strong enough for the person, I would. Of course, taking precautions and using protection are a must.

 

Also communication, talking about it and doing research are all essential too for beforehand.

 

[Tipdin]

I read this thread months ago but didn't comment at the time since I didn't see it as relevant to my situation. Had I done so, my answer would have been No.

 

Today, however, my response might turn into a "Yes, provided that...".

 

What made me reflect upon this is the fact that I recently learned that the guy I dated over the last two months is HIV+. This came as a surprise, since he lives a completely normal life, if you discount the medication at night.

 

I shared the life of someone with cancer for a few years, so I know that people with a potentially lethal disease yearn for normality. My first reaction, when he told me the news, was to ask how he was, how he dealt with it. He gave me some reassuring answers. Even if things were not perfect, I nevetherless had some feelings for him at this point of our relationship, and I didn't want him to think I would outright reject him because of his HIV status.

 

Now, we broke up last week, mainly because of incompatibilities unrelated to his health. But I must admit that the news helped me speed up my decission process, especially the fact that he only told me about this after we had ended up in bed together. Knowing what we have done, I am not overly worried about my health, and will go have my regular test when it is due. I am not exempt of responsability, of course. I was, if not careless, then probably not as careful as I should have been. I have learned a lesson.

 

Although things didn't work out with this particular guy, it made me realise that I might consider entering in an exclusive relationship with a guy who is HIV+, provided he had told me upfront and clearly made every effort to protect the both of us at all times (two things I didn't get this time).

 

I understand much of what you're saying and feeling. One of the first men I ever dated died of AIDS. It was frightening, but all of my tests came back with good news. Several years later, my partner was tested and found to be HIV positive. He died a couple of years after that. Once again, all of my tests came back with good news. I'm not sure how I managed to escape, but I certainly am grateful.

 

In the late 1970s, early 1980s sex was just a fun way to spend time together, either with friends or strangers. It was recreational and an intimacy that I shared with most of my friends. And then everyone started getting sick. All the friends that I had been "with" were starting to die. I felt guilty, and started taking care of them when they became sick. As more and more men were losing their jobs and homes, and being turned away from the hospitals, I spent an increasing amount of my time and money caring for my remaining friends, - and then other men that were forced to live in abandoned buildings without income, heat, or water.

 

When guys were well enough to do so, they could come to my house and shower, shave, warm up, relax. But eventually, I carried food, clothes, and medicine to those men when they were to weak to leave the crumbing, wet basements or whatever roach-infested building they may have found a corner in. I tried to comfort them and hold them when they died. (My worst week was when I had 6 or 7 guys die, three all on the same day!)

 

I was part of a group of guys that would beg hospitals and drugstores for help. I knew some male nurses that were gay, and they would steal medicine for us. The hospitals would not allow HIV patients into the building, but they were nice enough to look the other way when medicine for them went missing. It was the most horrifying and terrifying time of my life. Over 100 funerals in one year. That's insane. Boyfriends, partners, friends, most of them are all gone.

 

Loving someone who is HIV+ is easy. But after what I have gone through, I just can't do something that would mean I have to go down that awful path. Even though there are good drugs today and HIV patients can actually go inside the F-ing hospitals now to get care...!

 

Ten years ago, I found out that my current partner was cheating on me. He claims he used condoms. There hasn't been any sex between us since. We have separate bedrooms now. There is absolutely no excuse for NOT saying something if you're HIV+. There is absolutely no excuse NOT to use a condom - no matter how long you've been with your partner. It really is a matter of life or death.

 

 

If you don't use condoms, you are placing your life in someone else's hands. Do you trust them, THAT much?

[TetRefine]

No. I wasn't alive during the AIDs holocaust of the 80s and didn't see friends die like many here, but I have seen first hand what it can do. My senior year, we had a gay guy who had HIV and he told us how miserable the medications used to make him and all the pills he had to take. He also told us how he had been turned down by so many relationships once they found out he was positive. So I would never even want to risk that cause its not worth all the shit you have to go through, not to mention it can keep you from getting certain jobs.

[TrevorTime]

Nope, it's never going to happen. I do feel bad for people who are HIV positive (and it's not just gays who have it), but I can't knowingly put my health at risk like that.

 

So do my BF and I bareback? Sure, but we are in an exclusive relationship. And we still get tested on a regular basis, just to be safe.

[Bleu]

I understand much of what you're saying and feeling. One of the first men I ever dated died of AIDS. It was frightening, but all of my tests came back with good news. Several years later, my partner was tested and found to be HIV positive. He died a couple of years after that. Once again, all of my tests came back with good news. I'm not sure how I managed to escape, but I certainly am grateful.

 

[...]

 

Loving someone who is HIV+ is easy. But after what I have gone through, I just can't do something that would mean I have to go down that awful path. Even though there are good drugs today and HIV patients can actually go inside the F-ing hospitals now to get care...!

 

Ten years ago, I found out that my current partner was cheating on me. He claims he used condoms. There hasn't been any sex between us since. We have separate bedrooms now. There is absolutely no excuse for NOT saying something if you're HIV+. There is absolutely no excuse NOT to use a condom - no matter how long you've been with your partner. It really is a matter of life or death.

 

If you don't use condoms, you are placing your life in someone else's hands. Do you trust them, THAT much?

 

Thanks for your reply, Tipdin. You seem to have had a lucky escape. The help you provided your friends with is highly commendable, but I also understand that you do not wish to repeat that painful experience. I am not saying that I would blindly go into that kind of relationship, but unlike previously, I would at least give it some thought. Whereas, if you had asked me a few months ago, like Tet and Trevor, my answer would have been a big No. Experience has changed me somewhat.

[Marzipan]

I can honestly say, that to me hiv is a disease amongs others, not a stigma.

 

Still it is responssible to be open about it in a relationship. It is not a death sentence, there are no guarantees in life, period. It would just be foolish to turn away if you have something real in your relationship.

 

I read the whole thread and it made me really sad. This reflects gay community in so many ways.

 

There really are countless ways to practise safe sex and loving. My heart goes to the many people carrying hiv and reading this thread too. They have a right to have all aspects of life, love and sex included. They shouldn't have to be hiding and ashamed of themselves. It is just a disease, not the whole person.

 

I would be so hurt if my partner would keep being hiv+ from me. That doesn't show enough respect to me. I would wanna know.

 

If I had hiv, gosh, I would try to live my life as I do now. And pray that the one I love would accept me as I am, with all that I am. Just as I do now.

[One Cheap Suit]

Nope don't have a problem with HIV status, be safe, get tested and don't implicitly trust that someone knows their status or is telling the truth. You can have a very satisfying sex life with an HIV+ person, you just adapt to your circumstances and have fun in non traditional ways. Frotting can be awesome, as are toys and nonnoodly appendages.

 

HIV can be devastating to those that believe they must be abstinent because they have it. I'm not going to deny my partner any enjoyment I can give just because we have to play safe.

[Tipdin]

Thanks for your reply, Tipdin. You seem to have had a lucky escape. The help you provided your friends with is highly commendable, but I also understand that you do not wish to repeat that painful experience. I am not saying that I would blindly go into that kind of relationship, but unlike previously, I would at least give it some thought. Whereas, if you had asked me a few months ago, like Tet and Trevor, my answer would have been a big No. Experience has changed me somewhat.

 

Experience does indeed change one! (At least it should; hopefully for the better.)

 

My best friend who is HIV+ and I lived together in the 1980s for a couple of years, so I learned how to live with someone that is positive. That's no big deal. I love him like crazy, but I'm not sure I could be sexual with him. Gosh, that's such a big thing to think about! (I meant the HIV part, not... - well, never mind...)

[Zolia Lily]

I think my answer is 'yes'. I've gone away and thought about this. I didn't want to be hopelessly naive or stupid, but i keep coming back to the same answer. 'Yes'. And in no way is that a 'yes' without conditions attached... but overall, it is a 'yes'.