Dismantle the Sun

[corvus]

(I always thought that it would be "immodest" of the author to start these discussions, but... I'm an impatient procrastinator.)

 

Here's the link to the first chapter of my latest story, Dismantle the Sun. I won't repeat the summary, but I will say that it's my first significant foray into first person and my take on the high school cliche. Fresh air is guaranteed. The story is still a WIP, but I update regularly.

 

All feedback is welcome. My skin is very thick.

[Altimexis]

(I always thought that it would be "immodest" of the author to start these discussions, but... I'm an impatient procrastinator.)

 

Corvus,

 

I think I posted a review, but it may have slipped my mind, as I've been busy - I'm moving and will be starting a new job, and there are a lot of loose ends to tie up. In any case, having started out my GA career in eFiction a couple of years ago, I certainly know how confusing the system can be, and if you don't start your own discussion thread, trust me, unless you're really outstanding and about to be made a hosted author, no one else will.

 

Now based on what you've written so far, I think you're off to a very good start. This definitely has potential. I've been reading your story and that's a rarity for me when it comes to eFiction. If a story isn't well-written and if the plot doesn't hold my interest, I just don't have the time these days to read it, much as I'd like to help all the aspiring authors I can. If you keep up with the quality and if the plot holds together and if your next story or short story reads this will, I should hope you'll be promoted to a Promising Author - you're definitely in that league - or better.

 

What I particularly like about this story is what I find most frustrating - that you don't rush into things. I wish I had your patience when it comes to my writing. I like the frustration you're building in your main character, and in each of your characters. They're real. The raw emotions are palpable. You've also built up a lot of mystery - your characters are multidimensional and there is a lot we don't know about them yet. The one issue I see as a potential problem is that you're building up quite a few major characters very quickly, all of whom seem critical to the plot and who form important pieces of the puzzle. I'm having a little difficulty keeping track of them all at this point, and that can turn readers away. I think you're still OK, but you're on the margin in this regard, and I'm occasionally having to go back and look people up to remember who they are. Pathetic, I know, but I forget people between chapters. There's no perfect way to handle this in a serial, but you might want to introduce characters more slowly. Otherwise, you're doing great.

[corvus]

Hey Altimexis, glad you're enjoying DtS. I've got the whole story in my head, and it's almost frustrating that I have to *write* it. There's never enough time for that. I'm glad you pointed out the thing about having maybe too many character prop up in the first chapter -- it's true; I put forth five or so in 3000 words, which is a rather tight space. It's particularly hard for me to judge, because I know them so well already. Thanks for pointing that out. Oh, and I don't think I got a review from you, but the review system on eFiction was pretty funky two or so weeks ago.

 

corvus

[GaryK]

Don't worry about starting your own thread corvus. Were it not for this thread I wouldn't have known you'd posted more chapters of DtS. I know your signature makes it obvious, however I don't see many messages from you in the forums.

[Benji]

Hey Altimexis, glad you're enjoying DtS. I've got the whole story in my head, and it's almost frustrating that I have to *write* it. There's never enough time for that. I'm glad you pointed out the thing about having maybe too many character prop up in the first chapter -- it's true; I put forth five or so in 3000 words, which is a rather tight space. It's particularly hard for me to judge, because I know them so well already. Thanks for pointing that out. Oh, and I don't think I got a review from you, but the review system on eFiction was pretty funky two or so weeks ago.

 

corvus

 

 

.....Hey Corvus, I just finished the 3rd chapter of your DiS story, and I like the way it seems to be headed. I can't figure out Kate Landauers angle, for a brat like her to be as cordial as she is to Nick, well something isn't quite right!!

[GaryK]

Jeez Benji! I'm stalking corvus and it feels like you're stalking me today.

 

I also just finished Chapter 3 and like the way it seems to be headed. Nick clearly has the hots for Alec. I hope they manage to say more than a few words to each other in each sentence. What do you do when you've got two guys who aren't talkers? It's going to take a long time for them to get together isn't it?

 

Darius and Kate have me confused. I think Darius simply has no backbone. But like Benji I'm wondering what's up with Kate being so nice to Nick. She's planning something isn't she?

 

As I mentioned in my review you've thrown a lot of characters at us in just three chapters. Hopefully they won't all turn out to be important, but I've created a character guide just in case.

 

Overall I really like DiS so far. You do 1st person very well. Nick hardly seems like a fictional character to me. That's how good a job you're doing with him. When's the next chapter going to be released?

[Tiff]

HEY GARY! Nice to see you again!!! Yay for Corvus's two awesome stalkers uniting once again!

 

Anyway, I've read all the chapters and I'm definitely intrigued and am very eager to read more. I want to see how Nick and Alec's relationship pans out. I definitely agree that it will be a slow development, and who knows, maybe they will only remain friends. Everyone could use great friends. And crushes are never permanent.

 

I'm very curious about Wiggleworth and that last name cracks me up every time. Love it. It makes reading this piece that much better; the entertaining names. Darius appears not to have much of a backbone, but then again, he seems more unhappy and discontent with life more than anything, so he kind of floats on by with disinterest. Maybe he'll show more passion and personality when it's worth it. For some odd reason, I'd kind of like Darius and Nick to either get together or become good friends. I need to know more about Darius and why he's so blah. Like, the whole "poor little rich boy."

 

And of course I want to know more about Nick and why he seems like the brooding kid who sticks to himself. Typical Corvus style; a character cannot be bright and happy, bouncing on trampolines and doing cartwheels!

 

There are a lot of names, but I read slow, so I kind of know who's who.

 

I'd also like to add that Corvus is doing a fine job with first person. You have no trouble getting into the mindset of Nick and I feel like NIck is a real person and not some author spewing out his own thoughts and feelings. Then again, i don't know you that well, so who knows!

 

P.S. I feel ashamed. I'm a bad stalker. I didn't start a forum thread for you, Bad me! But I was waiting for something big to happen so I could whine about it.

[GaryK]

Hi back at'cha Tiff. We are indeed united once again. Woo-hoo.

 

I'm glad you're enjoying corvus' new story as much as I am.

 

I think he'd fall over dead from shock or something if he tried creating bright and happy characters. Part of me wonders if this is a reflection on his own personality. Care to comment on that corvus?

[Tiff]

I think he'd fall over dead from shock or something if he tried creating bright and happy characters. Part of me wonders if this is a reflection on his own personality. Care to comment on that corvus?

 

LOL!

 

Corvus cannot write a happy piece. Deep down he must be cynical and brooding. Oh well, he's still a good writer....so I'll take it.

 

Just make this piece a bit happier, because M&W really hurt. It just hurt. If this story is not spewing cupcakes and balloons, that's fine, but I don't want to be crying over the main character and their pain.

 

Damn, now this brings back my sad feelings over Mike.

 

*curses*

[GaryK]

I thought it was spewing cupcakes already, Tiff. Melina seems to have an inexhaustible supply of cupcakes at the ready. Especially at theater practice.

 

I'm working on M&W right now, so I get the dubious pleasure of reliving the pain. Great, huh? Maybe someday corvus will see fit to do a sequel in which Mike winds up in a happy situation far away from his screwed-up family and that wimp with no backbone, Winston!

[steph]

Maybe someday corvus will see fit to do a sequel in which Mike winds up in a happy situation far away from his screwed-up family and that wimp with no backbone, Winston!

hear, hear!

 

 

oh, I should probably say something about DtS... I can't figure out how Nick and Alec are going to end up together! it was so painful, I would've totally given up! although, I probably would've been the one making a mess of things (ie - Alec). oh, and I have a sinking feeling that Alec and Darius have been together in the past...

Edited May 2, 2008 by steph291

[GaryK]

oh, and I have a sinking feeling that Alec and Darius have been together in the past...

Wow. That sure caught me by surprise. Care to elaborate please?

 

Hmm. Something like that might, and I emphasize might, explain why Darius is ignoring Nick; jealousy perhaps. But it doesn't explain why Kate is suddenly being so nice to Nick. Unless Darius told her to be nice to Nick because Nick stood up for Alec when Kate was picking on Alec. Given Kate's apparent attitude about gay people I'd think she'd dump Darius if she thought he were gay or at least gay-friendly. Maybe the gold digger in Kate is willing to put up with this because she thinks she has a shot at marrying a rich guy.

 

I'm speculating too much. But at least it keeps this thread near the top of the View New Posts lists.

[steph]

Wow. That sure caught me by surprise. Care to elaborate please?

 

Hmm. Something like that might, and I emphasize might, explain why Darius is ignoring Nick; jealousy perhaps. But it doesn't explain why Kate is suddenly being so nice to Nick. Unless Darius told her to be nice to Nick because Nick stood up for Alec when Kate was picking on Alec. Given Kate's apparent attitude about gay people I'd think she'd dump Darius if she thought he were gay or at least gay-friendly. Maybe the gold digger in Kate is willing to put up with this because she thinks she has a shot at marrying a rich guy.

 

I'm speculating too much. But at least it keeps this thread near the top of the View New Posts lists.

I just think Kate is being the bitchy teenage girl who thinks she'll piss Melina off more by being super nice to her best friend.

 

As for the Alec and Darius thing, it's just a feeling I get... Darius being the stereotypical closeted gay football player dating the cheerleader. Alec being very skittish around Darius for very little reason... you know, 2+2=5...

[GaryK]

I just think Kate is being the bitchy teenage girl who thinks she'll piss Melina off more by being super nice to her best friend.

 

As for the Alec and Darius thing, it's just a feeling I get... Darius being the stereotypical closeted gay football player dating the cheerleader. Alec being very skittish around Darius for very little reason... you know, 2+2=5...

Respectfully, I think it was made clear in Chapter 2 that Darius is not a jock.

 

Melina shook her head.

[steph]

ack! not sure where I came up with football then. probably because the girlfriend was a cheerleader. at least corvus isn't writing the typical gay story.

 

I also got the feeling that Melina and Kate have been rivals for awhile... am I imagining that, too?

[GaryK]

I just noticed that corvus is not being consistent about Darius. In Chapter 3 he has Nick thinking about Darius as a jock while the two of them are waiting to use the bathroom at the post-show party. At another point in the story, in the pizza place I think, Nick thinks to himself that Darius had probably never lifted anything heavier than his own hand. Hardly the sign of a jock.

 

I haven't seen any outright rivalry between Kate and Melina. Although Melina does refer to Kate as a gossip when talking to Nick about what happened between Nick and Kate when Nick came to Alec's rescue in the first chapter.

[corvus]

This is why it's good to get reader feedback. You guys are noticing things that I didn't, or that I simply took for granted.

 

I'm afraid I can't give away backstories, but I will say that Wigglesworth wears a tie and a blazer. And he sulks. And that 2 + 2 =/= 4.

[Tiff]

I also get the feeling that Darius and Alec were together at some point. It was very subtle during the party, when Darius entered the crowd while Kate and Melina were fighting (is that correct?), Alec kind of shrunk away and tried to hide himself as if he didn't want to be seen by Darius.

 

I'm going to reread the chapters because I have nothing better to do....except study for finals...but I don't remember, is Alec gay for sure? No, right? Kate was just harassing him, but it wasn't confirmed. What if Alec is straight and Nick and him end up just being friends? And maybe Alec is uncomfortable with Darius because Darius hit on him?

 

Ok, I am totally speculating here!

 

Questions, questions, questions!!

[GaryK]

The closest I've seen Alec come to admitting he's gay is in Chapter 1 right after Nick interrupts the verbal abuse Kate is heaping upon Alec. Nick says to Alec that he doesn't care if Alec is, and for a moment almost uses the "fag" word like Kate did, but instead says, "that way." Alec, knowing full well that Nick heard what Kate was saying looks down and replies, "Yeah." So, no outright admissions yet. But hey, no outright denial either. I like it when there's hope.

 

You're right about the verbal shouting match at the party. Clearly Alec didn't want to be seen by Darius. As for why, I don't recall it ever being made clear. So for now we're left to speculate. Is it because of a previous relationship? Maybe the reason Darius is in public school is because he was tossed out of private school for being outed. Perhaps Darius and Nick got caught in a compromising situation. Although from what we know so far I just can't see the two of them as a couple or even as just being together for the sex. Then again the shirking away might be because Alec is still concerned that Darius will beat him up because of the incident with Kate. Although I think it far more likely Darius would exact his revenge on Nick than Alec.

 

The big house on the hill that belongs to Darus' parents, and where the post-show party took place, still has me very confused. Why does the family live in town when they have this beautiful mansion in the hills?

 

I'm afraid I can't give away backstories, but I will say that Wigglesworth wears a tie and a blazer. And he sulks. And that 2 + 2 =/= 4.

Corvus is such a tease. I have no idea what he means. Yes, I know that's how he wants it. Be careful corvus or your two friendly stalkers might turn into evil stalkers.

 

 

[Edit reason: Ack, I need an editor!]

Edited May 3, 2008 by GaryInMiami

[steph]

The big house on the hill that belongs to Darus' parents, and where the post-show party took place, still has me very confused. Why does the family live in town when they have this beautiful mansion in the hills?

 

Darius had said that his parents use it as a model for their real estate business. Didn't Melina say that they were building new houses up in the hills? His parents could use this one as a model to sell more houses and then after the area is finished being developed, they's move in or sell it off. The development my parents moved into several years ago had a model house like that. They used it as a base to work out of to sell the lots before they built houses.

[GaryK]

Darius had said that his parents use it as a model for their real estate business. Didn't Melina say that they were building new houses up in the hills? His parents could use this one as a model to sell more houses and then after the area is finished being developed, they's move in or sell it off. The development my parents moved into several years ago had a model house like that. They used it as a base to work out of to sell the lots before they built houses.

 

Maybe that's what corvus meant to write ( ), but here's what he actually wrote and there's no mention of a business. I took it to mean it was an investment property, even though it seemed odd there was a large photo gallery that was clearly of Daruis' family:

 

"They've got two. The one in town's where we usually live. This is for the real estate."

 

Nick did have the following thought on the way to the party, but there was no mention of new houses being built:

 

There was a pretty bad wildfire some years back, which made all the rich folks talk about moving away, but nothing happened. I guess the they liked looking down on the rest of us too much to find a safer place to build their indoor swimming pools.

 

[steph]

Maybe that's what corvus meant to write ( ), but here's what he actually wrote and there's no mention of a business. I took it to mean it was an investment property, even though it seemed odd there was a large photo gallery that was clearly of Daruis' family:

 

"They've got two. The one in town's where we usually live. This is for the real estate."

 

Nick did have the following thought on the way to the party, but there was no mention of new houses being built:

 

There was a pretty bad wildfire some years back, which made all the rich folks talk about moving away, but nothing happened. I guess the they liked looking down on the rest of us too much to find a safer place to build their indoor swimming pools.

 

hmm... well, I guess my over active imagination is showing through... I'll stop speculating now... :wacko:

[Procyon]

Did nobody but I wonder what's up with Alec and his pretty possessive dad? Alec is constantly nervous -- in general, even, but particulary when it comes to staying out late, and there's... shall we say, interesting vibes whenever his dad is mentioned. And the ominous dark driveway with his dad waiting for him when he gets home on that first evening...

[GaryK]

Did nobody but I wonder what's up with Alec and his pretty possessive dad? Alec is constantly nervous -- in general, even, but particulary when it comes to staying out late, and there's... shall we say, interesting vibes whenever his dad is mentioned. And the ominous dark driveway with his dad waiting for him when he gets home on that first evening...

Since you're his beta you probably know more about that than we do for now.

 

Seriously, nah, it just seemed like any normal high school kid whose parents are still a bit over-protective of their "baby".

 

I remember when I was in high school and got home late my parents, who would normally have been lounging in bed watching TV, would instead be in the living room fully dressed and waiting to give me the third-degree about why I was late.

 

Even the dark driveway didn't seem all that odd to me. In both of the houses I lived in when I was going to high school it was rare for there to be anything other than a few decorative lights turned on outside. Not nearly enough to light the place up. In fact at the second house it was dark enough that one time somebody felt comfortable enough to rob my mother as she and my dad were getting out of her car after returning home from dinner.

Edited May 3, 2008 by GaryInMiami

[Tiff]

Corvus is such a tease. I have no idea what he means. Yes, I know that's how he wants it. Be careful corvus or your two friendly stalkers might turn into evil stalkers.

 

Corvus is a tease! He likes to be all mysterious and keep his readers guessing in agony. Evil, evil.

 

Well, if the author is evil by giving his readers an emotional punch every time he writes, then it's only fair his stalkers become evil as well.

 

Hmm, the distance is a problem, although I think we all live in the East Coast. Nah, we'll just stick to evil GA online stalking.

 

 

Did nobody but I wonder what's up with Alec and his pretty possessive dad? Alec is constantly nervous -- in general, even, but particulary when it comes to staying out late, and there's... shall we say, interesting vibes whenever his dad is mentioned. And the ominous dark driveway with his dad waiting for him when he gets home on that first evening...

 

I kind of got that feeling too. Chapter 3 was weird in general. I was really confused as to why Alec was so much more jittery around Nick than he had ever been in the past. When they first met, he was a bit quiet, but I swear he was more talkative and open. I wondered if something happened in that short time frame that made him kind of shrink into himself?

 

Anyway, about the whole father thing. I got a weird vibe, but what Gary said about overprotective parents, that kind of makes sense. When I get home late, my Dad waits up for me. I walk inside the dark house and before I can make it up the stairs, there's this croaky, groggy voice calling out from the living room: "Hello Tiffani." It freaks me out. :wacko:

 

However, on the other hand, we don't know too much about Alec. He's so closed off. Maybe he has his own family problems or secrets concerning his father? A bad relationship? His father might be sick and needs him home? Abuse, but for some reason I don't get that feeling.

 

I wonder how many chapters this one is. It's agonizing waiting to see how the story turns out. M&W was hard enough to wait for at only 9 chapters.