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Taser

rknapp

By rknapp
in Forum Games and Humor

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rknapp Apprentice Scribe

rknapp

Posted
Posted

A Gift for my Wife

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A

Batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dipshit," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DES TRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H ELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of

Caution: there is no such thin g as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. App arrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was Coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

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rknapp Apprentice Scribe

rknapp

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  • Author
Posted (edited)
LMAOLMAO!!!

It was all I could do to not have that same reaction when I got to the part about the cat on the mantle... I read it in class hahaha.

Edited by rknapp
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Jack Frost Apprentice Scribe

Jack Frost

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was going to say "Only in Jersey people do that".

 

But I found out it wasn't you doing that to yourself. I should've known better that you don't have a wife and married to one for 15 years. :P

Edited by Jack Frost
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rknapp Apprentice Scribe

rknapp

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I was going to say "Only in Jersey people do that".

 

But I found out it wasn't you doing that to yourself. I should've known better that you don't have a wife and married to one for 15 years. :P

More importantly, I don't have a cat *hugs his German Shepard*.

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Masked Monkey Apprentice Scribe

Masked Monkey

Posted
Posted

I was gonna say the guy was an idiot for thinking that modern electronics are incapable of boosting a 1.5V dc battery to enough voltage to make crapping your pants the most painless part of the process. In fact, I would think a small battery would make the whole thing safer (from a stopping your heart point of view) by limiting the current (not the voltage).

 

 

oops, science geek came out.

 

:king: Snoopy

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Jack Frost Apprentice Scribe

Jack Frost

Posted
Posted
Are you always this negative Mr. Frost(y)? :P

That is assuming he already has kids after fifteen years of marriage. C'mon...at least he won't slip up and get a 40 year old wife pregnant. :P

 

Like my parents did when Mom was just 41. I could've had a 10 year old brother now if she hadn't had a miscarriage. :blink:

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GaryK Initiate Scribe

GaryK

Posted
Posted
[...]I could've had a 10 year old brother now if she hadn't had a miscarriage.

I would have loved to have had a ten year old brother when I was your age. Just think about all the fun stuff you two could have done together. You're old enough to know how to be mature and keep him safe, yet still young enough to act like a kid and have fun when you want to. Despite your perpetually dour expression I'll bet there's still enough kid left in you to know how to have fun in a juvenile sort of way.

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Jack Frost Apprentice Scribe

Jack Frost

Posted
Posted
I would have loved to have had a ten year old brother when I was your age. Just think about all the fun stuff you two could have done together. You're old enough to know how to be mature and keep him safe, yet still young enough to act like a kid and have fun when you want to. Despite your perpetually dour expression I'll bet there's still enough kid left in you to know how to have fun in a juvenile sort of way.

Don't depress me. I have an almost-20 year old sister who doesn't really talk to me.

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