When friends don't like the boyfriend

[AFriendlyFace]

So last year my best friend was dating this guy and he seemed nice enough at the time. I was friendly and pleasant to him and generally wanted to make him feel welcome in our group. My friend was happy and that's all that mattered to me. Then the boyfriend broke up with my friend, and he did it in a pretty mean way. He ridiculed my friend's interests, hobbies, and values. It was also revealed that the (ex) boyfriend was doing coke and lots of other drugs, and had been, unbeknownst to my friend, the entire time they were together (about a month and a half or so). Later my friend also told me he'd tried to pressure him into having unprotected sex. A week after they'd broken up he sent my friend a text saying how glad he was that they'd broken up because he just met the greatest guy.

 

Anyway, at this point you'd be right if you guessed I'd come to the conclusion that ex-boyfriend was a total creep with a high likelihood of self-destructing and taking those around him along for the ride.

 

So I did the standard 'getting over a boyfriend' routine with my friend. We hung out a lot, had quite a few dinners, indulged in some retail therapy, had some drinks, spent a lot of time laughing and trash-talking ex-boyfriend. You know, all the standard stuff. Eventually my friend got to the point where he was saying he was glad it was over and that he was also relieved that ex-boyfriend had shown his true colors before he'd gotten sucked in any further.

 

Sounds great right? Well not so much...

 

About a month later ex-boyfriend (apparently done with re-bound boy) started texting my friend saying how stupid he was, and how much he wanted my friend to give him another chance. At first it was no big deal and he didn't get very far. However, he's been trying the same thing off and on every couple of months since, and my friend just told me that he's more than likely going to go out with him again.

 

I'm pretty pissed and worried. I've already told him that I want him to make his own decision and that I'll support him regardless, but I also let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought about ex-boyfriend and my opinion of a reunion.

 

So I guess now all I can do is wait and see what happens. According to my friend ex-boyfriend is adamant about how much he's changed, but then again how likely is he to say, "I'm still a massive prick, wanna date me again?" I just feel like my friend is making a terrible decision and it's hard for me to sit on the sidelines and watch. I keep asking myself whether I should get more involved and do more to stop him, but that's completely against my principles regarding interpersonal relationships. I really think people have to make their own decisions. At the same time, I'm thinking maybe I'm already too involved. Maybe I shouldn't be giving my friend quite so many warnings and quite so much advice. Maybe I shouldn't be spelling it out that I think he's making a mistake. Maybe I should keep my opinions more to myself. That's not so easy for me either though.

 

Eh, I don't know. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

 

-Kevin

[Benji]

So last year my best friend was dating this guy and he seemed nice enough at the time. I was friendly and pleasant to him and generally wanted to make him feel welcome in our group. My friend was happy and that's all that mattered to me. Then the boyfriend broke up with my friend, and he did it in a pretty mean way. He ridiculed my friend's interests, hobbies, and values. It was also revealed that the (ex) boyfriend was doing coke and lots of other drugs, and had been, unbeknownst to my friend, the entire time they were together (about a month and a half or so). Later my friend also told me he'd tried to pressure him into having unprotected sex. A week after they'd broken up he sent my friend a text saying how glad he was that they'd broken up because he just met the greatest guy.

 

Anyway, at this point you'd be right if you guessed I'd come to the conclusion that ex-boyfriend was a total creep with a high likelihood of self-destructing and taking those around him along for the ride.

 

So I did the standard 'getting over a boyfriend' routine with my friend. We hung out a lot, had quite a few dinners, indulged in some retail therapy, had some drinks, spent a lot of time laughing and trash-talking ex-boyfriend. You know, all the standard stuff. Eventually my friend got to the point where he was saying he was glad it was over and that he was also relieved that ex-boyfriend had shown his true colors before he'd gotten sucked in any further.

 

Sounds great right? Well not so much...

 

About a month later ex-boyfriend (apparently done with re-bound boy) started texting my friend saying how stupid he was, and how much he wanted my friend to give him another chance. At first it was no big deal and he didn't get very far. However, he's been trying the same thing off and on every couple of months since, and my friend just told me that he's more than likely going to go out with him again.

 

I'm pretty pissed and worried. I've already told him that I want him to make his own decision and that I'll support him regardless, but I also let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought about ex-boyfriend and my opinion of a reunion.

 

So I guess now all I can do is wait and see what happens. According to my friend ex-boyfriend is adamant about how much he's changed, but then again how likely is he to say, "I'm still a massive prick, wanna date me again?" I just feel like my friend is making a terrible decision and it's hard for me to sit on the sidelines and watch. I keep asking myself whether I should get more involved and do more to stop him, but that's completely against my principles regarding interpersonal relationships. I really think people have to make their own decisions. At the same time, I'm thinking maybe I'm already too involved. Maybe I shouldn't be giving my friend quite so many warnings and quite so much advice. Maybe I shouldn't be spelling it out that I think he's making a mistake. Maybe I should keep my opinions more to myself. That's not so easy for me either though.

 

Eh, I don't know. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

 

-Kevin

 

...............Sounds like you have pretty much said what I would have, your friend is making a mistake and you see it a mile away but he doesn't. I do hope your friend doesn't give in on the unprotected sex though. Meanwhile he will just be going through he pain all over again I'm sure!

[Pai-kun]

You've done what you can, imo. Taking it much further could cost you your friendship. Just sit him down and make him think of exactly what he's getting himself into.

[Sir Galahad]

It sounds to me like you'll be picking up the pieces when this jerk dumps him again. What more can you say to him though without him getting really defensive? Sometimes people have to make thier own mistakes, even for the second time!

[JamesSavik]

Some people only learn by pain.

 

Stand well clear- avoid being collateral damage.

[LongGone]

Some people only learn by pain.

Stand well clear- avoid being collateral damage.

What he said.

[Graeme]

I agree that you should try to avoid becoming collateral damage, but I disagree with standing well clear.

 

There is always the (vanishing small) possibility that the ex-boyfiend (and not, that's not a typo) has changed. Your friend is the only one who can decide if that's really happened. If it has, then it's up to the ex to prove it to both your friend and you. I included you in that because, as a friend, I expect you'll be spending time with both of them. By all means be suspicious, but it's not your life. You've made your opinion clear, but it's your friend who has to make the decision as to what they want.

 

Any just be available if you're needed

[NaperVic]

There is always the (vanishing small) possibility that the ex-boyfiend (and not, that's not a typo) has changed.

 

I'm with Graeme, there is a tiny-tiny chance that the ex-bf saw the light, had an epiphany, or had some life altering event (like causing a car crash while driving which results in the death of his brother) that caused him to change for the better.

 

It sounds like your friend is leaning towards forgiving, and it really isn't your place to stop it.

 

However, you can caution your friend to be cautious if he does want to rekindle a relationship with the ex-bf. That's not saying he's making a mistake (which honestly, you don't know if it will be a mistake). It's likely that he's making a mistake, but it's not a guarantee.

 

How about this? Get your friend to agree to cut bait at the first sign of trouble. Strike 1 and he's out.

 

Take Care & Good Luck,

 

Vic

Edited April 11, 2009 by NaperVic

[JamesSavik]

Yeah, sure. People change.

 

One of the odd things about recovery from drugs and alcohol is that many times the divorce occurs after the alcoholic/addict has been sober/clean for a while.

 

It seems that a great many selfish, self-absorbed people are even more intolerable when they are sober.

[KJames]

Hey, Kev', all you can do is be there for your friend--which you are, apparently, ready to do--while at the same time letting him know that, based on your previous observations, you feel that this is leading him into making a mistake concerning his ex-b/f. Unless the ex-b/f has gone through detox and rehab of some sort, there hasn't been any change, and ex-b/f just wants your friend back as a rebound-boy because he can't detect when ex-b/f's using which let's ex-b/f be more relaxed when ex-b/f is using.

 

I know that sounds terrible, grammatically, but it's the same thing everyone's telling you--you be there for your friend, not for his ex-'--if you all go out together, you can be civil even if you don't like his ex-', just don't get aggressive if you can possibly help yourself.

 

Good luck to you in your support for your friend.

[AFriendlyFace]

Thanks for the advice and support everyone

 

 

 

This topic hasn't come up between us recently so I'm not sure if he's seeing/planning to see the ex or not. For now I guess I'll just leave the issue alone.

Edited April 14, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Tiger]

This can be complicated. Some people, for whatever reason, are vulnerable to untrustworthy, and otherwise unworthy, partners. It's a sad reality of life. They know the warning signs but simply ignore them. One has to wonder why, but in the end, you cannot make people's choices for them. Sure, you can warn them if you have information, but people are stubborn. I agree with James for the most part.

[Phantom]

Hmmm, this is certainly a pickle. It seems like your friend only dates people he thinks he deserves, which is what a lot of people think. It's aggravating, but sometimes it takes a painful lesson to realize the mistake and futility. What I think needs to happen is that you remind him that he's better then this ex-scum bag (point out that there's a reason why he's an ex).

 

If all else fails, be there for him and be the rock that we here on GA know you are (as in an anchor not a rock for brains ).

 

Eric

[AFriendlyFace]

Just thought I'd give a little update on this. It looks like he's mostly given up the idea of seeing this guy again. At least for the time being. I suspect it'll continue to be a background thought for him for awhile.

[tomon]

We have a friend doing something similar. We'll call the friend H. And the guy can be...D (D for ...a word beginning with d that you can probably guess )

He was with D for a year so obviously they were really close. However D always gave us (H's friends) a very bad impressions, he'd stare at you angrily, come over and cut between you when talking to H (because apparently the whole world was trying to take him) and other pretty manipulative things.

 

Then one day D writes H a letter saying "sorry we can't be together anymore because our views on...vegetarianism and prostitution are just too different". WHAT?! H is devastated.

 

The next day D rings "I love you". A few days later D rings "Happy one year anniversary. its a shame its like this" :| WHAT?!

 

As much as we helped H through it and concvinced him he was better off without him, in the long run you can't do anything about it. At this point we all hate D but then recently H has started going out with D again saying "i know i'm being an idiot, and i know i'm going to get hurt, but i want to do this" and unfortunately we have to respect that. D decided to "be there" for H after our friend died and would often take H away in private and not let us speak to him . He's a jerk but we've all made it clear about that and H knows that too. But it's still his decision and so as a friend, you kinda just have to grin and bear it, and then pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. *sigh...*

[Daisy]

We have a friend doing something similar. We'll call the friend H. And the guy can be...D (D for ...a word beginning with d that you can probably guess )

He was with D for a year so obviously they were really close. However D always gave us (H's friends) a very bad impressions, he'd stare at you angrily, come over and cut between you when talking to H (because apparently the whole world was trying to take him) and other pretty manipulative things.

 

Then one day D writes H a letter saying "sorry we can't be together anymore because our views on...vegetarianism and prostitution are just too different". WHAT?! H is devastated.

 

The next day D rings "I love you". A few days later D rings "Happy one year anniversary. its a shame its like this" :| WHAT?!

 

As much as we helped H through it and concvinced him he was better off without him, in the long run you can't do anything about it. At this point we all hate D but then recently H has started going out with D again saying "i know i'm being an idiot, and i know i'm going to get hurt, but i want to do this" and unfortunately we have to respect that. D decided to "be there" for H after our friend died and would often take H away in private and not let us speak to him . He's a jerk but we've all made it clear about that and H knows that too. But it's still his decision and so as a friend, you kinda just have to grin and bear it, and then pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. *sigh...*

 

yeah one of my friends is going out with someone like that. for the first year or 2, she pretty much disappeared and whenever we did she her and him it was ridiculous he would be the biggest pratt in the world. some off the things he says, you really have to wonder. at times I've got along with him, giving him the benefit of the doubt then he always comes out with something to ruin it. and make me question whether he is sane. still going out. never see him. she seems to have stood up for herself and now makes times for friends. they are living together btw. we rarely go to her flat. adn she never mentions him ever, its strange. she knows we don't like him, but she also knows that we are fine with her going out with him (now at least) and that it is normal to talk about your bf. but she doesn't. i think they have an odd relationship - one where she is often supporting him and never the other way round, he only causes trouble for her. and I hope she doesn't get pregnant or married, it would be a very bitter wedding to go to. she can do so much better. but regardless, we support her.