Domestic Violence in the Gay Community

[Tiger]

Typically, people think of domestic violence as a man beating up a woman, but it happens in the gay community as well (yes, that includes lesbians). I just talked to my friend. She has a son who happens to be bisexual (if I remember correctly). Anyway, he was beat up and raped. He ended up in the hospital. It's a volatile situation. Also, my aunt was in a relationship, and her lesbian lover beat her too. Does anyone else have any horror stories? I found an article on the subject as well. I posted it here.

 

Domestic Violence in Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Relationships

 

Partner battering and abuse in Queer relationships:

 

Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women (25%). As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards queers, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship. Others who do not identify as GLBT may not feel that their relationship fits the definition but may still be in an abusive and dangerous relationship.

 

In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships is the same as in opposite-gendered (e.g., heterosexually-paired) relationships:

 

• No one deserves to be abused.
  
• Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
  
• Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
  
• The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
  
• The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.
  

 

Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean domestic violence is often experienced differently:

 

In same-sex abuse, a pattern of violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to

[Zeoanne]

I am so glad you started this topic! As most of you know, I am not gay but my daughter is. She pent years with a bi-polar girl who would mix her meds with alcohol and would never work. My daughter is very petite and thin at only 5 feet tall whilst that monster was 6 feet heavy boned and totally butch. I'll call my daughter C and IT Memphis (that's what I've always called her anyways). After my daughter would spend all day and most of the night working two jobs she would go to the apt. and find it all filthy, no food made for her, and still, as tired as she was, she would have to "serve" to Memphis what ever Memphis wanted. Definitely, my daughter is nothing like me, I've always said that "the man that's going to beat me ain't born yet." (A couple tried, they failed.)

 

On occasions, when my daughter insisted she was too tired to do anything for Memphis, if Memphis was drunk she would beat my daughter. I never knew about it, well, I guess C knew better than telling me. About 4 yrs ago, C calls me in the middle of the day crying telling me that Memphis had beat her and that she feared for her life. Needless to say, I, as her mother who simply adores her went into a panic. I know nothing about Memphis, TN and from VA it's about a 14 hr. drive. I called my son who lives in our town and tell him to hurry up and pack up a bag really fast, we're leaving town and going to Memphis to rescue his sister. I have a very heavy lead foot, so it took me 12 hrs.

 

I get to her apartment, C's alone all smiling at us, Memphis nowhere to be found. I'm looking around and don't see any baggage, boxes, NOTHING!! Well, Memphis, as they all do, cried and begged for C not to leave her promising she was never going to do it again. The abused always believes the song and dance the abuser gives, so, my C believed her. I was in a rage at this time. I think the entire complex knew what I was yelling and I swore I would kill that butch if she dared touch her again.

 

Needless to say, next day my son, Young daughter (then only 4 yrs old) and myself were on our way back to VA, I'm speeding again, got pulled over by a state trooper. I'm almost shitting on my pants since I've never been pulled over before in my life!! Luckily, when I gave the man my license he started asking questions about the town and said he used to live here also, so, with a verbal warning he lets me go. I talked to the trooper about my situation with C and he said, as well as the other people who've I've talked to, the only thing I could do was let her hit rock bottom, she was 21 and I had no saying on her life.

 

As time went by and C telling me how wonderful things are going, they were seeing a therapist, Memphis "stopped drinking" (play the romantic tune now). When all of a sudden she calls me screaming on the phone while running in the parking lot, "Mom!! She's going to kill me!" Needless to say, my heart sinks. I'm the type of person than when catastrophe strikes, my brain does NOT shut down, I look for solutions right in the middle of the emergency. I tell her to hang up with me and call 911 immediately. I hung up and called her father who also lives in Memphis and tell him all that is going on, I also tell him to call 911 in case C doesn't do it or cant, after all, that monster was chasing after her. I call my son who lives in Miss. and luckily was at in Memphis en route to his home and tell him to turn around and explain to him what had just happened. He calls his friends closest to C's apartment and have them meet him there. C, of course, didn't call the police, saying, "I don't want to cause her any trouble." Well, I didn't cause her any trouble either, I just wanted to kill the bitch!!!! When her father was with the Memphis police, they said they couldn't do anything about it, that is was my daughter the one who was supposed to call for them to assist!!!! WTF???? So, I guess if you tell the police that your same sex partner is killing you, you might as well be yelling at the walls!

 

After she was finally here at my house, she told me all the horrible things she had to endure at Memphis' hands, from having her slam C inside the bathtub and ripping the metal towel bar off the wall and chocking her with it, slamming the refrigerator door shut on her head several times, punching her on the head, slamming her against the coffee table, dragging her on her back by the hair all the way to the room and I've no idea if she ever did rape her, I hope not.

 

C hooked up with an ex g.friend and spent a few months here, not even a year, when out of nowhere she tells me, "Mom, we're going to Memphis but we're coming right back." That was over 6 months ago and to this day, they're still over there, with that bitch still making her life miserable with jealousy and what not. She's still won't move back home. Needless to say, I'm always fearing for my beautiful baby's life.

 

I am also including a link on Same Sex Rape... I would like for all of you who read this to copy and paste it to a new eMail page and send it to all your friends out there, Thank You.

 

http://discuss.epluribusmedia.net/node/3745

Edited May 9, 2009 by Rush

[Tiger]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's dreadful. What people don't understand is that it's a vicious cycle. Before someone physically abuses another, there is a great deal of emotional and verbal abuse. By the time there's actual physical violence the damage has already been done, and of course the abuser starts being nice. Soon it's right back to the way it was before, and the cycle of abuse starts all over again. Leaving the relationship is difficult for the victim. It does not matter if the person is straight, gay, bi, man, or woman. I hope your daughter does leave before something really bad happens. It must keep you awake sometimes.

[Kia Zi Shiru]

Abuse is THE most awful thing that could happen in a relationship.

 

I've been mentally and emotionally abused by my ex for over a year and a half (we're both bi but in a straight relationship). Everybody knew it was wrong, even I knew it was wrong and I still loved him. Even now I sometimes tend to make excuses for his behavior in the past. He left me when I most needed him because my miscarriage was my fault and he didn't love me anymore. He even made my life even more of a hell af6er he broke up with me.

1,5 year after it happened I can look back on it and say that I'm glad my family and friends were there to catch me when i fell.

 

 

Rush, I can only hope for your daughter that her gf breaks up with her. She is so caught up in everything that she can't leave. I hope she will be able to pull through. Damn, I don't know how to say this, but hopefully she will fine someone that can safe her.

[old bob]

Rush, I'm really sorry for you .

I dont know if you could handle this with the help of a lawyer. According to the laws in my country, if you have proof of the abuses of your daughter, even if she is an adult, you can intervene and get your daughter away from that beast, even if your daughter doesnt agree with it.

I think its worth asking.

Good luck.

[Tiger]

Rush, I'm really sorry for you .

I dont know if you could handle this with the help of a lawyer. According to the laws in my country, if you have proof of the abuses of your daughter, even if she is an adult, you can intervene and get your daughter away from that beast, even if your daughter doesnt agree with it.

I think its worth asking.

Good luck.

Unfortunately, it does not work that way in the US. Someone has to press charges unless it's a severe injury. I wish they'd change the laws in the US. These abusers need to be in jail whether the victims like it or not.

[JamesSavik]

Most communities like to sweep domestic violence under the rug and pretend that it doesn't happen.

 

That is clearly not true. Domestic violence happens everywhere regardless of ethnic background or economic status. It's just another form of denial.

 

It speaks well of our community that we can talk about. That is the first step in addressing it because it can only exist in silence.

[Zeoanne]

Perhaps I didn't express myself clear enough, I apologize for that. My daughter is NOT with that monster any longer. She went back to Memphis, TN but not to live with "Memphis." The girl she is with now is very protective of her and even though she is just a little wee thing and as strong as I consider myself to be, I would NOT mess around with J, my daughters partner. She's very thin but extremely strong and she's made "Memphis" aware that she better not even look at C the wrong way. I do hope that Memphis has given up on the idea of continue any kind of relationship with my daughter. Memphis did get together with another girl and moved in with her and the tables got turned, she became the victim of the other girl and tasted a bit of her own medicine. I'm not sorry she got what she got.... But to me, being a mother.... she still hasn't gotten as much as she deserves! Am I heartless? Let the mothers of the world answer that....All I can say is that she's lucky she doesn't live anywhere close to me...

[Meeko]

Perhaps I didn't express myself clear enough, I apologize for that. My daughter is NOT with that monster any longer. She went back to Memphis, TN but not to live with "Memphis." The girl she is with now is very protective of her and even though she is just a little wee thing and as strong as I consider myself to be, I would NOT mess around with J, my daughters partner. She's very thin but extremely strong and she's made "Memphis" aware that she better not even look at C the wrong way. I do hope that Memphis has given up on the idea of continue any kind of relationship with my daughter. Memphis did get together with another girl and moved in with her and the tables got turned, she became the victim of the other girl and tasted a bit of her own medicine. I'm not sorry she got what she got.... But to me, being a mother.... she still hasn't gotten as much as she deserves! Am I heartless? Let the mothers of the world answer that....All I can say is that she's lucky she doesn't live anywhere close to me...

 

I'm buying you some chocolate for mothers day.

[Benji]

I'm buying you some chocolate for mothers day.

 

......Hahaha!! Mothers day just passed

[KJames]

......Hahaha!! Mothers day just passed

 

 

Then he's got a year to work on the savings account...Rush deserves at least a couple 10# bars of Ghirardhelli!

[Zeoanne]

Then he's got a year to work on the savings account...Rush deserves at least a couple 10# bars of Ghirardhelli!

 

I'm not too much of a sweet tooth but I'll take all the chocolate Y'all want to throw my way! :

[Zeoanne]

I was wondering if there are other folks, perhaps some of the many new ones who have joined since May that could join in this thread. I think it's very important to be aware of the issues concerning Domestic Violence. I encourage all to read this thread from the beginning, it's not long. I was reading a blog from Lyndon Evans from Gay Writers on Male/Male rape. I asked him permission to share it with others and was granted, so Lyndon, Thanks!! Here's the link..... He Said He Was Raped By A Man...

 

Lyndon has also granted permission for you to share it with everyone you know. Please, go to the site, copy/paste the link address into your eMail and share it with all your friends. You never know which one of your own friends is going through something as critical as this and not even know it.

Help Others Help Themselves.

 

Update on C: She's still living in TN, now with her father until she can find an apartment. The boy she and her partner were living with invited "Memphis, the butch" (they've been friends for years) to move in with them and since the apt. is his, C had no saying in it so she took off before Memphis moved in. I fell sorry for Denis, who owns the apt. a few months back when his partner who was cheating on him decided he'd leave but he also knew how critical the situation was between C and Memphis!!! Damn, this is starting to sound like a Soap!!! Drama, Drama, Drama!!!

For now, she's safe.

 

P.S. I'm still waiting for my chocolate!! LOL!!

Edited August 4, 2009 by Rush

[Nephylim]

Abuse is a great leveller and has no prejudices at all. It can happen to anyone at any time.

 

As a family lawyer I see it every day. parent/child; child/parent: man/woman; woman/man: man/man; woman/woman: black/white; white/black:

 

Any combination, any age, any time.

 

As has rightly been said above it is often insidious and begins as general 'putting down' robbing the person of their self esteem and self respect so that by the time the physical stuff starts the person has nowhere else to go, does not believe they can live without the other person and half the time is convinced that the abuse is their fault.

 

I have acted for people who have left their abuser time after time. The police stop taking action, people stop listening. They've heard it all before. The spiral gets deeper and deeper and then gets passed on to the next generation. It's tragic.

 

It is very important to get the message out that people who are abused, raped, assaulted etc ARE NOT WEAK. They are not bad people and they are not failures. Like everyone else on the planet they have made some bad choices and it is NEVER TOO LATE to make good ones. Speak to as many people as you can and let them know what's going on... families, friends, counsellors, doctors.... anyone who can help in any way, even if it is only to give evidence later on that you have told people about it.

 

If you are in the uk there is a law called the Protection From Harassment Act which makes it illegal for anyone to act in such a way as it puts another person in fear for their safety or in such a way as it threatens, harasses or pesters another person. This is the so called 'stalker' legislation. It is also a criminal offence to assault someone (an assault can be as simple as a push or even a slap on the shoulder), threaten to kill someone, put one or more people in fear for their safety, incite hatred towards someone becuase of their race, colour or sexual orientation.....

 

The point is the legislation is there. THe police often don't want to do anything about it and will even tell people that there is nothing they CAN do but this is because so many people in relationship situations back out before it goes anywhere. (By the way if you make a statement to the police about any criminal offence they can proceed to prosecute even if you later withdraw the statement). However, if pressed they have to.

 

If the police won't or can't help then go see a solicitor and get and injunction / restraining order.

 

More than anything believe in yourself and that it is NEVER ok for anyone, no matter who they are to make you feel worthless or abuse you physically or emotionally. It is NEVER your fault.

 

Oops sorry... slipped into rant mode.

 

 

[Arpeggio]

I was a little afraid to post in here, but what the heck.

 

When I was 15/16, I was in an abusive relationship with a guy. I don't even consider it a relationship, he was just a drug dealer and....well everyone knows how that works. He is about 4 years older than me. Anyways, we would fight a lot and he would usually hit me, sometimes I would hit him back, sometimes I didn't. He once knocked out one of my teeth during an argument. Of course, I was ill tempered and didn't know when to back down so I just kept going back for more, and usually I would just get hurt in the end.

 

And, sometimes, if I wasn't in the mood to have sex, he would hold me down, shake me, or basically make me consent to it. At the time, I didn't know that was date rape. I thought it wasn't rape at all because I technically consented in the end, but it was. He did that a few times, and once with it was even with another guy who was probably going on 30 or close to it.

 

I should have beaten him down and left him in a ditch to rot, but I was just too dependent on his supply and sucked it up. I didn't care if he was locking me in his closet and leaving me there for hours on end, or sending obscene videos of us to his friends ( ), just as long as I could get high.

 

I'm just glad not to be traumatized by it, and I was mildly shocked when I was first told that what he did was wrong. I always thought it was naturally since I was a drug addict. And, I'm ashamed to say, I never reported him or done anything when I should have.

 

Anyways, I won't ever let someone take advantage of me like that again. I will do everything except kill them (only because I'm too nice. >_> )

Edited August 4, 2009 by ArpeGGio

[Tiger]

Wow Lacey... I really am for a loss of words here, but I'll try. First and foremost, drugs drastically inhibit our normal thinking. Also, at the time, you probably felt as though you deserved to be treated that way, because when you're doing drugs like you were, your self-worth becomes almost nonexistent. Now that you are sober, you can see how erroneous you were in dating the scumbag and realize you deserve better. Thus, I would say you are most fortunate as many stay in abusive relationships for much longer.

[Nephylim]

I can understand why you were hesitant to post but I am so glad you did.

 

I think what you have said underlines the saddest thing of all about abuse... that so often the people being abused don't even see it until they are out of the abusive situation/relationship, or they think that it is their fault. That is why education is important. Why it is important to speak up and to show the world that beautiful, strong, intelligent people can sometimes fall prey to abuse and that gives hope to those who are still in that situation to realise that they are not weak, stupid, ugly or somehow 'deserving' of that kind of treatment.

 

It also gives hope to show that people who have been abused are not necessarily traumatized, broken people, but can be strong and get past it.

 

As someone who has been there myself and who fights it every day I salute you.