Cheating Partner. What Do You Do?

[DragonFire]

Okay guys, I have a 'hypothetical' question.

 

What would you do if you found out your partner had joined an on-line dating service?

 

That he'd put down on his profile that he was 'currently separated', but failed to inform you about that small detail?

That he'd also put on said profile suggestive innuendo's?

 

Would you:

 

A: Confront him immediately

B: Hack into his e-mail to see what exactly is going on. Then confront him when he's dug himself a very big hole!

C: Join yourself and pretend to be someone else to trap him?

D: Any other suggestions not listed here.

 

Also, take into account that you have a house together.

[JamesSavik]

How about adding another option:

 

E. Suggest a 3 way

[Sir Galahad]

Well, how does cutting his balls off & feeding em to the cats sound?

 

In all seriousness, I'd play it devious. Hacking into his e-mail is going too far, but I'd join & start flirting with him & see exactly what he does. If he tries to arrange a date, go with it, then turn up 10 mins after your arranged time to let the games begin.

[Tipdin]

Been there, done that. Several times. Each time he swore that he'd stop seeing the other men.

 

Because of financial entanglements, we became more like room-mates than life-mates.

 

Each situation is unique and you have to weigh many factors, but if this is a pattern, I would STRONGLY suggest getting away from the situation as quickly as possible.

 

Cheaters cheat for a reason. They may say it was just meaningless sex, but it goes FAR deeper than that. Even if it was just meaningless sex for them - the fact that they would betray you like that says a lot about how much they value you and the relationship that the two of you share.

[glomph]

Anybody old enough to remember "The Pi

[greypath]

Okay guys, I have a 'hypothetical' question.

 

What would you do if you found out your partner had joined an on-line dating service?

 

That he'd put down on his profile that he was 'currently separated', but failed to inform you about that small detail?

That he'd also put on said profile suggestive innuendo's?

 

Would you:

 

A: Confront him immediately

B: Hack into his e-mail to see what exactly is going on. Then confront him when he's dug himself a very big hole!

C: Join yourself and pretend to be someone else to trap him?

D: Any other suggestions not listed here.

 

Also, take into account that you have a house together.

 

first unless its a real name dating service there no real way to know. so lets say it is. No beating around the bush you sit down put your arm around the mans shoulder that you love. and simply say im not good enough for you anymore that you need to go to a dating service. but say it very calmly give the man you love a chance to explain. he might have a good reason to be there, talk to him and find out the reason maybe your part of the blame maybe you take hiom for granite, make by the sparks not there anymore but togher if your both willing to try you can get that spark back because it all comes from lack of communacation. So always talk to each other love your love like you want to be loved. Dont pry dont try to undermine him go to the source of the matter an talk.

[MikeL]

Cheaters cheat for a reason. They may say it was just meaningless sex, but it goes FAR deeper than that. Even if it was just meaningless sex for them - the fact that they would betray you like that says a lot about how much they value you and the relationship that the two of you share.

I agree. Please take this the right way...if his sex with others is meaningless, perhaps his sex with you is also meaningless. Try to make it more meaningful. If he still strays, it is probably because the sex is all he is looking for.

 

I wish you the very best.

[C James]

My personal opinion is, first and foremost, don't do anything illegal (hacking into e-mail definitely can be illegal).

 

Personally, I take an extremely dim view of cheaters. If this happened to me, I'd go with the option of joining the list and seeing if I could arrange a "date" with the person, and show up. That way, there would be no defense on their part; they couldn't claim it was someone using their name, etc, etc.

 

My opinion: a cheater is bad news. They are maliciously exposing you to STD's, showing you no regard, etc. Sharing a house complicates things... if you own it together, that's a massive headache. If it's a rental, it depends on who is on the lease, and how.

It might cost some money, but getting a cheater out of your life is worth it.

 

Good luck,

CJ

[AFriendlyFace]

My personal opinion is, first and foremost, don't do anything illegal (hacking into e-mail definitely can be illegal).

 

Personally, I take an extremely dim view of cheaters. If this happened to me, I'd go with the option of joining the list and seeing if I could arrange a "date" with the person, and show up. That way, there would be no defense on their part; they couldn't claim it was someone using their name, etc, etc.

 

My opinion: a cheater is bad news. They are maliciously exposing you to STD's, showing you no regard, etc. Sharing a house complicates things... if you own it together, that's a massive headache. If it's a rental, it depends on who is on the lease, and how.

It might cost some money, but getting a cheater out of your life is worth it.

 

Good luck,

CJ

 

CJ's post most closely mirrors my own feelings.

 

Don't hack or invade his privacy. Put simply two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I think the joining and arranging a date option is incredibly devious and I have a lot of compunctions against it...but it's also really tempting and might give you a definitive answer.

 

Either way, if it turns out that he is cheating, or seriously experimenting with the idea, then to be blunt I say kick him to curb and move on.

 

It might be a major hassle and financially costly, but - personally speaking - I just wouldn't tolerate someone like that in my life, let alone in my house and my bed.

 

Of course that's my visceral reaction. Pragmatically there might be better choices. Maybe you could talk it out and work through it. Perhaps couple's counseling would help. Maybe you might even consider redefining the terms of your relationship. Your decision has to be what will work best for you as a couple and as individuals. However, if you want my personal opinion as I said, I'd dump the cheater and move on.

 

 

 

Just my thoughts.

 

 

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

 

-Kevin

[Mark Arbour]

CJ's post most closely mirrors my own feelings.

 

Don't hack or invade his privacy. Put simply two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I think the joining and arranging a date option is incredibly devious and I have a lot of compunctions against it...but it's also really tempting and might give you a definitive answer.

 

Either way, if it turns out that he is cheating, or seriously experimenting with the idea, then to be blunt I say kick him to curb and move on.

 

It might be a major hassle and financially costly, but - personally speaking - I just wouldn't tolerate someone like that in my life, let alone in my house and my bed.

 

Of course that's my visceral reaction. Pragmatically there might be better choices. Maybe you could talk it out and work through it. Perhaps couple's counseling would help. Maybe you might even consider redefining the terms of your relationship. Your decision has to be what will work best for you as a couple and as individuals. However, if you want my personal opinion as I said, I'd dump the cheater and move on.

 

 

 

Just my thoughts.

 

 

Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

 

-Kevin

 

Your logic is appealing (and by extension, CJ's too), but I think it's really easy to look at this logically when you're not involved, when you don't have feelings for that person. While I think you should confront him, the idea of just dumping him if he was only thinking of cheating seems a bit arbitrary. I'm a firm believer in second chances. None of us is perfect: we all f**k up. Ask yourself: if you made a mistake, would you want your partner to forgive you, or be inflexibly adamant about dumping your sorry ass?

[Krista]

Your logic is appealing (and by extension, CJ's too), but I think it's really easy to look at this logically when you're not involved, when you don't have feelings for that person. While I think you should confront him, the idea of just dumping him if he was only thinking of cheating seems a bit arbitrary. I'm a firm believer in second chances. None of us is perfect: we all f**k up. Ask yourself: if you made a mistake, would you want your partner to forgive you, or be inflexibly adamant about dumping your sorry ass?

 

 

I agree with Mark. I do give second chances, I really do try to figure a person's motives out. Some people do make mistakes and some people do things that are extremely mind blowing and hurtful. If you know you can't forgive him, then yeah dumping him is a great option.

 

Confronting him is your best bet, in my opinion. You shouldn't invade his privacy by hacking into his e-mails. I also don't like the choice of faking to be an admirer. You don't have to catch him red-handed, he has the profile on the dating site. That's enough evidence and if he thinks you've been sneaky, well that would cause more problems. You may not know his... motives behind the dating site. Maybe he's having issues with confidence and self-worth and wants to see how many people will contact him by his profile.

 

Stating that you're in a relationship on a dating site probably won't get much valued response? But yeah, its still something to frown upon, but not necessarily something that can't be fixed.

 

To sum it up: Think seriously about the relationship, communicate with him straight forwardly, no games. You will probably get honesty with less chance of him thinking that you've passed judgment.

[DragonFire]

Ok guys, thanks for all the advice!

 

What I will say, is that he has done something similar to this before. Whilst I'm all for second chances, and trust me it was hard enough to do that last time, I am wary of giving a third. After giving it a LOT of thought and talking to a few people, I just can't bring myself to do it. I just can't trust him anymore and it feels like something has died.

 

So now I feel it's my turn to be sneaky and devious, and with the help of a good friend I intend to do just that.

[Mark Arbour]

What I will say, is that he has done something similar to this before. Whilst I'm all for second chances, and trust me it was hard enough to do that last time, I am wary of giving a third.

 

Well that's a different matter entirely. Good luck my friend.

[Linxe Termoil]

I had a cheating partner once. I could understand the girls thing, because he was bi, and I did kind of trick him into a relationship with me, but I'd still get mad about the girls. It was when he cheated on me with a jackass on the same submarine crew I was on that I got really mad. We kind of ended it after awhile, especially when he indicated he was more interested in girls. However, we still remained friends. Now, if this is the 2nd or 3rd time the guys doing it, I would recommend thinking about going to get your own apartment and inform him that you're moving out, and selling your share of the house.

 

If nothing else it might get a rise out of him, enough to force him to talk.

 

Regards, and best of luck to you,

 

Jon

[KJames]

What I will say, is that he has done something similar to this before. Whilst I'm all for second chances, and trust me it was hard enough to do that last time, I am wary of giving a third.

 

Since most of the advice is coming from writers, let's take something from another writer:

 

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

[Zeoanne]

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

My feelings exactly....Been there, Done that....