Is it better to quit or continue on?

[D_of_Hazzard]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and I wanted to seek out a little advice if that's ok.

 

I'm currently part of an lgbt organization (not part of my school), one I've joined a couple of months ago. Most of the members are just great people. Some are around my age and many more reaching into the middle age. However, I feel useless in the group most of the time because it doesn't seem like many people value my presence anymore. I guess I bit off more than I can chew when I joined because most of the members are so incredibly intelligent, knowledgeable, emotionally stable, witty, and fun and I'm not really any of those things. I feel like a lot of times, the things they say are so beyond my ability to understand, so it just goes over my head completely. I'm not that quick. So I'm thinking about leaving the group....

 

What's bothering me the most is that our leader is this amazing individual, who I respect so much but I can't even be his friend because I can't match him on an intellectual level. He is about 28 or so and has a stable life with a stable boyfriend and is basically everything I've ever hoped for out of myself but never achieved. Every time I participate in the group, I feel hurt and I feel useless, because my contributions are worthless. I'm not really friends with many people in it for the reason that I'm totally lame.

 

I want to just quit and forget about this, but aren't sure if this is a good choice. I really like the people in there even though they don't like me, and while I watch and listen, I'm learning a great deal, but it's hurting me a lot. Should I continue on in hopes of personal growth or just quit it all together and forget about all of them?

 

I really appreciate any advice.

 

Have a great day.

[Zeoanne]

First off, Welcome to the most wonderful group on the net!!!

 

Second, do yourself a favor, give yourself a break. You said it yourself, you are learning from going to the meetings!!

One thing I would like to ask is, how are you presenting yourself? Do you have a positive approach when you walk through the doors? Do you wear a smile on your face? Do you try to approach others in the group? You are only 19 yrs. old and I don't think others in there are going to expect for you to be a genius, a know it all. You are there to learn and make friends. While the meeting is going on, if you don't understand something being said, jot it down on a pad then approach the leader and ask to explain it to you. Tell him that you want to know as much as you can. I doubt that anyone there will knowingly hurt your feelings. Wear your head high, Make yourself approachable and have a smile at all times even if you feel like crap. Trust me, I've had almost 50 yrs. of practice myself even when I feel like crying.

When is the next meeting?

[Prince Duchess]

Welcome good friend

 

 

 

I think Momma Rush hit exctly on the head. I highly doubt there talking about you in this group it might be an insecurity thats all in your head. That you think there talking and making fun of you but they mst likely arent most of us have been there trust me. Just do like Rush said go into the meeting with confidence, speak your mind and dont care what they think but some of them are probably thinking the exact same thing.

 

 

[Mark Arbour]

Some good advice there Rush.

 

I'm a University Prof. I see students roll in at 18/19 years old and sometimes they seem like idiots. My colleagues certainly think so. What I've found is that we expect an awful lot from people their/your age. It's not about what they know or don't know, it's their capacity to learn that is so beautiful. So based on that, I'll give you my opinion. I think you should spend even more time with those people. Don't feel like you have to talk, don't feel bad if you don't understand something. But when members say things that really impress you, like this 28 year old guy that you want to steal away from his boyfriend, , tell them. While you're learning and adapting, you can become a valuable member of the group just by supporting, validating, and building up the other members. They'll want you around because you make them feel good, and you'll want to be around so you can learn and develop into the adult you want to be.

[Nephylim]

I would seriously doubt that everyone in the group started out stable, witty, intelligent, blah blah blah. They've been on a journey that you are only just taking the first steps on. As has been said before me... give yourself a break. If you are having such a downer on yourself how do you expect anyone else to do anything other. You say they don't like you but it sounds as if you are not giving anyone a chance to get to know you, not the real you anyway. You are still the new guy and they have to get your measure.

 

If you follow Rush's excellent advise I would be very surprised if things haven't changed... a lot.. very soon. Keep us posted hun... it will be great to see you blossom.

 

You can practice on us.

 

Edited after seeing Mark's post...... Rush AND MARK's excellent advise

[JamesSavik]

No one ever accomplished anything by quitting.

 

You might investigate if there is another org/club where you might feel more comfortable but don't give up the ship. :chris:

 

You are lucky to live in a place where such organizations are available to you.

 

In the South the climate is so hostile, any business that lends space to an GLBT org or club faces a boycott by loving, concerned religious fanatics.

[Benji]

....................Welcome!! I agree your young quit being so hard on yourself, some excellent advice here!

[D_of_Hazzard]

Thank you so much for the responses.

 

Rush.

I'd like to believe that I'm presenting myself well. I like the group and want to make friends and usually try to be as nice as I could be. When I said I don't understand something, I just mean when everyone's joking around and such. A lot of times, the guys in there get on a roll together with their wit and I'm left either going "what???" or "wow..."

 

The meetings are very casual. Once a week for 2 hours or so. Food is usually provided and people just come to relax a bit and have a good time. We often discuss a variety of things, ranging from sports, history, lgbt issues, movies, music, etc and many members have a wealth of things to share.

 

Prince.

I know nobody is talking bad about me, but I know where I stand. You know like in school, where there's always that guy everyone knows and don't dislike but noone wants to hangout with him anyways...yea that's me in the group lol.

 

Mark

You are right. Many kids my age act like idiots and many of them don't think. I don't want to be that person, which is why I enjoy the group so much because I'm really learning more things, and learning to think better, be more social and active in there. I doubt many people in there need me to make them feel good though haha, they're all pretty stable secure people who just gather to have fun, not to cry on people's shoulders lol.

 

Anyway, I think I'll stick around...I mean, if I can't make friends, at least I'll grow as a person and that'll benefit me regardless of how I feel.

 

Oh man haha by the time i replied, I got 3 more responses!

Those are great advice folks, thanks a lot!

Edited September 22, 2009 by Delts of Hazard

[Zeoanne]

Hon, I left you a message on your profile.... Hope you agree to it.

[Mark Arbour]

I doubt many people in there need me to make them feel good though haha, they're all pretty stable secure people who just gather to have fun, not to cry on people's shoulders lol.

 

 

Not to belabor the point, but a kind word goes a long way. Just because they look stable and secure doesn't mean they really are. Things aren't always what they seem to be.

[JamesSavik]

Not to belabor the point, but a kind word goes a long way. Just because the look stable and secure doesn't mean they really are. Things aren't always what they seem to be.

 

 

I resemble that remark. :wacko:

[Trebs]

One other aspect - you want to contribute and feel like you're giving something to the group. If you leave, and a month later, some other 19 yo comes by the group, is he going to feel like there is anyone there that HE can relate to? In other words, YOU may be a member of the group that helps other new members feel like they could relate to the group as well.

[paya]

If I may add my cents...

 

Don't underestimate yourself. It's making you no good. People who don't see their own value can't show it to the others. I'll be a little harsh now but instead of wallowing in self-pity (and believe I know what I'm talking about) try to focus on what you're good at. You certainly have some interests, something that you like, that you excell in. Everyone has. At least - you must be fast in learning if you manage to learn by listening. So you are not dumb!

 

But certainly you know to do something - but you don't think about using it in that group. For example: you can say you know nothing, but what do you do in your free time? Let's say you play computer games all the time. So there certainly are some you're good at. How about some match or championship in playing games? Your group isn't any Royal Academy of Science, you go there to hang out - and believe me even if they are near middle age, they can play like small children. And you'll show yourself. You're capable of organizing a tournament, so you must have some organizational skills. Next time they'll take that into an account when preparing something. This was just an example but I wanted to ilustrate that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING you know you can use for your profit. You're unique as everyone else and those who seem to you to be witty and clever etc. only know how to use what they know.

 

I don't want to look like some... I don't know how to call these people :-D but you can make some sort of a SWOT analysis of yourself - what are you good at, what are your weak points, what's an opportunity for you (definitely that group and learning from them! ;-) ) and what threatens you (your low self-esteem!) That could help you with thinking of what you can use for the profit of your group. ;-)

 

You can always run - leave that as the last resort. ;-)

[David McLeod]

You've gotten advice from the best, leaving me little to say except welcome to the site. I hope you will find a home, here, and friends, however remote, and that what you find here will be translated into the reality in which you live. (If you figure that sentence out, let me know what I meant, please?)

[Prince Duchess]

 

Prince.

I know nobody is talking bad about me, but I know where I stand. You know like in school, where there's always that guy everyone knows and don't dislike but noone wants to hangout with him anyways...yea that's me in the group lol.

 

Do they really know you in the group? Maybe thats why you feel that way afterall you havent been in the group for too long right. So then you should take the time and make yourslef approachable to these people and maybe they'll actually see who you are or maybe you could take the first step and talk and get to know them. It all starts with a smile and an extended hand.

[TalonRider]

Something that I'm going to throw into the mix is body language. Don't sit or stand around with your arms crossed. People can take this as a sign to stay away.

[Mark Arbour]

Something that I'm going to throw into the mix is body language. Don't sit or stand around with your arms crossed. People can take this as a sign to stay away.

 

GREAT POINT!