How can a 37 y/o just now say 'I'm gay' ?

[Mari]

My friend Christina's husband Ken just announced ON FACEBOOK that's he's gay. Why on FB, I'll never know. He did go back and delete it after Christina had a fit. So they are getting divorced, have 2 kids under the age of 4. My question is how did Ken just now figure out he's gay?

 

Some background?

 

Ken is around 37 and has been married for 7 years. His wife took his virginity. He's kindof geeky so this isn't a huge shocker that he was 30 when he first had sex. He is a REALLY nice guy though and a great father.

He said he didn't know he was gay because he'd never had sex before. Now, sexual identity has never been an issue for me that's why I can't figure this out. Even before having sex, you know what attracts/repels you right? He says he didn't think about men in a sexual way before.

 

I can understand being scared and hiding it, even from yourself.

 

I can understand being in denial and wishing it away and trying to make it not true.

 

I can understand denying it for the sake of survival.

 

I can't understand how a 37 year old smart man couldn't figure out he was gay until now.

 

I feel really bad for him. Everyone is being really nasty about this. Christina is really big in the whole church scene so you can imagine the fallout. I feel bad for Christina too, that really sucks but I'm not that concerned about her. I think nobody would really care that he was gay if he hadn't have married Christina and had kids. My phone has been ringing off the hook all day with gossip. I talked to Christina about it and she's not thrilled, she actually really embarrassed but she's already looking at the bright side. I am a little concerned about Ken, I have no clue how he survives in this world with as few social skills as he has and now everyone is pissed at him.

 

So, I've gone off and rambled again but the question is how can you just realize that your gay? Is it even possible to not know?

[Bleu]

I think you're asking the right questions. The strange thing is not that he did his coming out at 37, it's the arguments he presents to legitimate the change.

 

Is he in denial about being in denial before?

And if it's about him never having sex before, what has suddenly changed after 7 years of marriage? Did he just discover gay porn on the internet?

 

I can't help but think that there is something else he's not saying.

 

It is sad, though.

[Graeme]

As a married gay man who didn't accept his sexuality until he was 40, I'll take a stab at answering that question

 

In my case, I knew I was gay, but I thought it wouldn't matter. I love my wife and I'm able to perform in the bedroom (with two kids as evidence ), so was I really 'gay'? The answer, of course, is that I am, but sexuality isn't as simple as the labels indicate.

 

I have a good friend who was in a similar situation to Ken in that it came as a sudden revelation to him that he's gay. In his case he had a suppressed sexuality due to being raped as a young kid. That traumatic event caused him to block off large amounts of his feelings, including his sexuality, and so he honestly didn't realise he was gay until around the same age as Ken.

 

If, as listed, Ken had never had sex before getting married, then I can certainly see that he would be able to explain away any interest in other males as something other than being gay. For example, admiration for someone keeping in shape, envy of someone who he thinks is better looking than him, etc.

 

However, if he has been repressed emotionally (that's emotionally, not sexually), which is not that uncommon among males who are taught to be 'tough', then he may not have realised how strong his emotions to other males really was. Your comment about his lack of social skills is an indicator of this, as lacking social skills can be as a consequence of not understanding/appreciating emotions in others. He could easily have explained it away by saying it was just 'mateship' (to use an Australian term). That is, male bonding or male companionship -- something generally accepted in society and not linked to being homosexual.

 

Both Ken and Christina are going to be going through a really rough time. It took my wife about six months to finally accept that I'm gay and what that means. We've kept our marriage together, but over 90% of marriages where one partner has come out as gay/lesbian fail.

 

If Christina needs support, the Straight Spouse network was formed to support the straight half in a mixed-orientation relationship. You can look them up online (I've never checked out their site, but my wife read the stories there often when she was coming to terms with what had happened to our marriage). There are also some good books available.

 

I'm hoping that Ken will also get support, but I'm not aware of anything explicit for men in his situation. He was stupid for coming out so publicly without letting Christina know ahead of time, but that's water under the bridge. He has, however, done more than I have. I'm out to my wife's family (though they haven't told their children) and to a couple of other people. I don't see the need to come out publicly to others at this point in time, so I haven't

 

Good luck to both Christina and Ken! They will, unfortunately, be having a really rough time at the moment. My wife contemplated suicide at one point after I came out to her....

Edited October 6, 2010 by Graeme

[JamesSavik]

Many gay people suffer from what I call encouraged denial.

 

They are so brainwashed from birth about gender roles, morality and what is culturally correct that it's no great surprise when someone who is 30, 40 or 50 suddenly announces that they are gay.

 

Think about it. Men are encouraged by family and tradition to date at age x, marry by age y and have children by age z. It is often easier to "go with the flow" than to fight the system.

 

Coming out as gay is no picnic. Things are better but there is still a huge amount of bigotry and bias. I believe- no, I know for sure that there are many gay men living double lives to avoid the stigma of being gay.

[Graeme]

Very true, James That 'pressure' from society can help someone decide that they're not gay for a significant period of their life. If you include other factors, such as the suppressed emotional behaviour that I mentioned, it's quite plausible that a 37 year old male would 'discover' that he's gay. Up until he gets some sort of epiphany, he can legitimately believe he's not gay.

 

There are also the ones, like myself at that age, who know they're gay, but don't accept it and behave as if it's not a factor in their life, but I don't think that's what Mari was asking about.

[Bleu]

This quite possibly is a case of such emotional and social repression that he was unaware of his true attraction.

 

He shouldn't be blamed for this. It's a shame that people are being nasty to him. The only mistake he made was how he handled his coming out. From being completly unaware to publicly announce it to the world on Facebook, there is quite a leap!

[hh5]

Doesn't people call this Social Suicide?

There are examples of this not going well and some rare occasions its a success.

 

Any links to news articles or FB link?

 

This quite possibly is a case of such emotional and social repression that he was unaware of his true attraction.

 

He shouldn't be blamed for this. It's a shame that people are being nasty to him. The only mistake he made was how he handled his coming out. From being completly unaware to publicly announce it to the world on Facebook, there is quite a leap!

[JamesSavik]

There's another issue.

 

Many people think that gay people look like this...

 

 

or this

 

 

or this

 

 

They simply don't identify with the freaky image of GLBT people that the media and people acting silly at Pride parades disseminate.

 

The reality is that gay people look a lot more ordinary than a freak show.

[Benji]

There's another issue.

 

Many people think that gay people look like this...

 

 

or this

 

 

or this

 

<br />There's another issue.<br /><br />Many people think that gay people look like this...<br /><br /><img src="http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b54/jamessavik/drag-nun.jpg" /><br /><br />or this<br /><br /><img src="http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b54/jamessavik/freak.jpg" /><br /><br />or this<br /><br /><img src="http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b54/jamessavik/freak_show.jpg" /><br /><br />They simply don't identify with the <i>freaky</i> image of GLBT people that the media and people acting silly at Pride parades disseminate.<br /><br />The reality is that gay people look a lot more ordinary than a freak show.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

 

They simply don't identify with the freaky image of GLBT people that the media and people acting silly at Pride parades disseminate.

 

The reality is that gay people look a lot more ordinary than a freak show.

 

......... I have to agree with you James, some people exhibit themselves as extremists, well that works on both sides of the fence doesn't it? As you're of my distaste of these individuals exploits may seem, it is neither my or your choice to really condemn. To do so would further discrimination in a world of people seeking out their rights. I don't like what I'm seeing as flagrant extremism, but I understand the prognosticates view here. It would seem to hinder the acceptance of gays by the flaming actions, fueling the bias and enraging the gays on the stereotypical perceived on themselves. So yeah, many people see this crap and think this is what gay people are all about, making us look freakish and this is our problem. I have no answer to this, I think they actually hurt our cause.

[TetRefine]

I'm not quite sure when he said he didn't know he was gay because he never had sex before. I knew long before the first time I had sex that I was gay, so I find that sorta hard to believe, or maybe just don't understand. My guess is that he knew all along, but maybe never came to terms with it till now, which is sorta unfortunate considering the position he is in now with his family and such.

[Armaan]

I mean there is no age limit to it. The way he did it wasnt nice, but everyone has the right to choose their sexuality.

[Graeme]

I'm not quite sure when he said he didn't know he was gay because he never had sex before. I knew long before the first time I had sex that I was gay, so I find that sorta hard to believe, or maybe just don't understand. My guess is that he knew all along, but maybe never came to terms with it till now, which is sorta unfortunate considering the position he is in now with his family and such.

No, no, no and NO!

 

Just because some of us 'knew' from a fairly early age, we can't generalise to the wider community and assume that they're all the same. As I said in my first post, I know of someone who really and truly did not know they were gay until they were in their thirties. With a suppressed emotional development they ended up going along with the societal norm (that's my interpretation -- he's never said that) until something happened and they had an epiphany as to what their sexual orientation really was.

 

A lot of people may be like you say (I think I fell into that category), but that doesn't mean they all are. Without evidence to the contrary, I have to accept Ken at his word and say he's in the group that didn't know until something happened to open their eyes.

 

Yes, it's hard to understand, and maybe if you've never encountered anyone like that it can be hard to believe, but since I know someone who is exactly like that I have to accept that it happens. If it happened to one person, I see no reason to not believe it can happen to others.

[Rilbur]

I have to side with Graeme. There are a lot of reasons someone might not realize it until late in life. And the bit about not recognizing anything until he had sex also makes an (unfortunately) large degree of since from my perspective. I didn't even imagine I could possibly be gay until... call it 22ish. Part of the problem lay with the delay in my general sexual development (embarrasing, but unfortunately informative for this discussion, I didn't learn about masturbation as anything other than a dirty word until I was nearly nineteen, and graduated from high school); without that particular formulative aspect to connect 'horniness' to sexuality, I didn't even recognize I was horrendously, and continuously, horny. And without masturbation to help me 'develop' and realize what I tended to think about, I had no way to start to recognize I leaned towards men instead of women, especially since my first (and more or less only) crush was for a girl. (?)

 

 

 

Perhaps the theme for the upcoming Anthology says it best: people are wierd.

[Mark Arbour]

No, no, no and NO!

 

Just because some of us 'knew' from a fairly early age, we can't generalise to the wider community and assume that they're all the same. As I said in my first post, I know of someone who really and truly did not know they were gay until they were in their thirties. With a suppressed emotional development they ended up going along with the societal norm (that's my interpretation -- he's never said that) until something happened and they had an epiphany as to what their sexual orientation really was.

 

A lot of people may be like you say (I think I fell into that category), but that doesn't mean they all are. Without evidence to the contrary, I have to accept Ken at his word and say he's in the group that didn't know until something happened to open their eyes.

 

Yes, it's hard to understand, and maybe if you've never encountered anyone like that it can be hard to believe, but since I know someone who is exactly like that I have to accept that it happens. If it happened to one person, I see no reason to not believe it can happen to others.

 

Every once in a while there's a post on this forum that simply reeks of logic and a calm, scientific process, and sets such a wonderful tone. That was such a post, Graeme.

[Menorain]

Poor guy. Hopefully he'll be able to get through this.

[old bob]

Every once in a while there's a post on this forum that simply reeks of logic and a calm, scientific process, and sets such a wonderful tone. That was such a post, Graeme.

I quite agree with Mark.

BTW, it's once more an example how Facebook can be dangerous. I cann't understand why some people are not cautious enough and recognise this danger .

[TetRefine]

No, no, no and NO!

 

Just because some of us 'knew' from a fairly early age, we can't generalise to the wider community and assume that they're all the same. As I said in my first post, I know of someone who really and truly did not know they were gay until they were in their thirties. With a suppressed emotional development they ended up going along with the societal norm (that's my interpretation -- he's never said that) until something happened and they had an epiphany as to what their sexual orientation really was.

 

A lot of people may be like you say (I think I fell into that category), but that doesn't mean they all are. Without evidence to the contrary, I have to accept Ken at his word and say he's in the group that didn't know until something happened to open their eyes.

 

Yes, it's hard to understand, and maybe if you've never encountered anyone like that it can be hard to believe, but since I know someone who is exactly like that I have to accept that it happens. If it happened to one person, I see no reason to not believe it can happen to others.

 

I apologize. I was not aware of people like that.

[Graeme]

I apologize. I was not aware of people like that.

That's okay, neither was I until I encountered him.

 

Have a read of this essay on emotions by Dewey. He's the one I'm talking about and the essay explains how he never knew he was gay until he read a powerful story online. That essay is over six years old, and a lot has happened in that time. In particular, the revelation that he'd been suppressing memories of being raped as young kid, and the eventual failure of his marriage (This is public information from his website, so I'm not revealing confidences).

 

I'm eternally grateful to Dewey for many things, but most important was that he was there for me when my marriage was being threatened by my coming out to my wife, and he helped us get through that time. That was just after he wrote that essay....

[Canuk]

No, no, no and NO!

 

Just because some of us 'knew' from a fairly early age, we can't generalise to the wider community and assume that they're all the same. As I said in my first post, I know of someone who really and truly did not know they were gay until they were in their thirties. With a suppressed emotional development they ended up going along with the societal norm (that's my interpretation -- he's never said that) until something happened and they had an epiphany as to what their sexual orientation really was.

 

A lot of people may be like you say (I think I fell into that category), but that doesn't mean they all are. Without evidence to the contrary, I have to accept Ken at his word and say he's in the group that didn't know until something happened to open their eyes.

 

Yes, it's hard to understand, and maybe if you've never encountered anyone like that it can be hard to believe, but since I know someone who is exactly like that I have to accept that it happens. If it happened to one person, I see no reason to not believe it can happen to others.

 

in my own situation, even with the benefit of hindsight, I am not sure what I knew about myself and when I knew it.

 

. As a 12-14 year old I recall be fascinated by greek and roman sculptures of naked men. but then I used to thoroughly enjoy going to "dancing classes" (I went to a single sex school, dancing classes and french conversation clases were done with the girls school on the next hill). through the latter part of senior school a girl I had known since kindergarten and I were considered a "couple". When at university (in a different city) I had brief physical relationships with both sexes (while maintaining the "relationship" with the girl "back home"). I considered myself straight....I think, if in fact I thought about it at all.

 

at the end of university I married a girl , we had two children. we bought a small business that after 5 years became a real stressor, causing the marriage to fail. six month after seperating I was picked up by a bloke in a coffee shop and had a 4 year affair with him (bloody disasterous, abusive relationship) at that point I figured I must be gay. 11 years ago I met my current partner and we have lived happily ever since.

 

Now when did I think I was gay? not sure. The only thing I insist is I am NOT "bisexual"; at this point in time i am not attracted to women in any shape or form. For all the time I was married (to the mother of my children) I was never attracted to any man.....

 

I never announced to the world I was gay on facebook or any other medium (I did tell my mother a year or so into my first gay realtionship, however as we were trying to fix a photocopier at the time, she replied that that was fine, but it wouldn't help fix the photocopier!)

 

"knowing" when I was gay - I really don't know....... and I am not sure it matters, to me anyway.....

[Adam Phillips]

Every once in a while there's a post on this forum that simply reeks of logic and a calm, scientific process, and sets such a wonderful tone. That was such a post, Graeme.

 

Consider the source. It's always something we can count on from Graeme.

[JamesSavik]

I respect someone more for coming out at any age and facing the music than living their life on the "down-low".

 

Such an existence is wrong on so many levels. Primarily because it is based on a lie and can collapse upon you at any time (I'm looking at you George Rekers, Larry Craig and Ted Haggard).

 

By accepting such a situation, you automatically place your lovers in second place- and why would anyone want that for them self?

 

You would have to lie, and lie convincingly SO MUCH that you yourself would be hard pressed to remember what, if anything, is true.

 

By denying your self, you remove the opportunity of giving or receiving support from the larger community. You are in a sort oof isolation that leads many people to madness.

 

Most of the time people see through your BS anyway.

 

The closet is a great place to keep your stuff but it's a horrible place to live. I've seen many people destroy themselves clinging to the closet while fooling no one but them self.