Open relationship or polygamy, doomed or working out well?

[Nephylim]

I'm boring

 

 

Not at all @-->--

[Audi]

 

Not at all @-->--

 

Awwww thank you!!

 

 

it's just, i loathe seeing people to get hurt

Edited September 27, 2011 by Audi

[Nephylim]

But that's presupposing that people in this kind of relationship will inevitably be hurt or will be hurt more than someone in a monogamous relationship,

 

All relationships are complex and it's impossible to grow without being hurt.

 

You are such a sweet and loving person but you can't throw your arms around the world and protect them all... beleive me; I've tried

[Audi]

 

All relationships are complex and it's impossible to grow without being hurt.

 

 

Yeah.. Life. *sighs*

[Marzipan]

Well, yes I focus more on the love part as well than sex. It would be realistic to think that in a many person relationship the sexual chemistry might not match equally between all, and everyone will have a different individual relationship with another. It would be foolish to think otherwise. It is about the dynamics and commitment between all the participants.

 

This is actually a hard sucject since I have no experience in the matter. All is hypothetical to me. I am not even saying I'd want a three (or four as Nephy pointed out ) way relationship or something. Maybe I'm saying I would not say no to it.

[Anya]

An open or polygamous relationship definetely wouldn't work out for me. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy...I have a problem with that

I just don't think it would work out for me. What happens if after some time with your fuck buddies you develop feelings? I think that's natural ;p

I don't think I would let my partner have sex with somebody else if we were in a monogamous relationship either if he needed it...I mean, it wouldn't be monogamous then, right? ;p I don't think I could live with that.

 

But I guess it also depends on how a person views sex. To some people it doesn't mean anything, itt's just sex. But well...like I said, I'd be too jealous ;p

[Nephylim]

Thinking carefully about this I think i have been looking at it in the wrong way. The three way relationships I have had experience of (not me... well one but that REALLY is another story as one party is not exactly... here) have not been truly a three way relationship but more of an 'open' relationship where one person had two partners with full knowledge and co operation of the other. This was disasterous in the long term.

 

HOWEVER... three or four people living with or very close to each other and having equal (or pretty much balanced) relationships with each other... I can's see any reason why that wouldn't work, provided all three... or four or five... had interconnected relationships with each other.

[Percivial]

I could never do either, I can understand why it might work for some people, but I think I was ever in an open relationship, it'd probably work for a while, but then it'd get ugly really fast and probably destroy the relationship I had to begin with.

[TetRefine]

I think an open relationship has a higher chance of working out involving men then women. Why? Because men seem to be much better at disconnecting sex from emotional feeling, where women tend to interconnect the two more so then men. I'm not saying that women can't have casual sex, but it seems men can disconnect the whole "feelings" part from sex better then women.

[Persinette]

Thinking carefully about this I think i have been looking at it in the wrong way. The three way relationships I have had experience of (not me... well one but that REALLY is another story as one party is not exactly... here) have not been truly a three way relationship but more of an 'open' relationship where one person had two partners with full knowledge and co operation of the other. This was disasterous in the long term.

 

HOWEVER... three or four people living with or very close to each other and having equal (or pretty much balanced) relationships with each other... I can's see any reason why that wouldn't work, provided all three... or four or five... had interconnected relationships with each other.

 

I don't know, V's are a pretty common poly structure and work fine when they're properly maintained, while three-way relationships can be notoriously hard. The sheer amount of emotional work that goes into them, y'know?

 

(And that's not even getting into the gazillion other ways to do poly...)

 

I think an open relationship has a higher chance of working out involving men then women. Why? Because men seem to be much better at disconnecting sex from emotional feeling, where women tend to interconnect the two more so then men. I'm not saying that women can't have casual sex, but it seems men can disconnect the whole "feelings" part from sex better then women.

 

Damn, you must know different men from me. All the ones I know proclaim their lack of emotional interest while picking out the sodding caketoppers! And that's halfway through the second date.

 

Of course, there are open relationships where you date other people, not just have sex with them, so there's something for every kind of person.

[Syniq]

I've just come out of an open relationship with a lovely guy. I broke it off, because I realised I was staying with him for the sake of saying "I have a boyfriend" rather than because the relationship made me happy. I realised about a year ago that I no longer loved him, and I spent that time putting off the inevitable, and when I eventually did tell him, it was when I was drunk and I made such a mess of it that he rarely speaks to me any more.

 

I don't think I'd try it again, because it just didn't really work out for me. Sure, it was nice to be able to drag other people home either on my own or together, but I don't think that makes up for having someone you love and who is yours to go home to at the end of the day.

Edited October 15, 2011 by Syniq

[TMcCallahan]

I'm *so* needed here, obviously.

 

I live as one-third of a MMF trio.

 

We've been together for 13 years, handfasted for 8 years and have a son, who's five. For us, it's about mutual, unconditional love, but first and foremost about TRUST and RESPECT. We have our own little village. We all come from families that have experienced loss, so without each other we wouldn't have anybody to count on. We've created our own traditions for holidays, and we've had to make our own language in some circumstances. It's tough fighting for gay marriage rights... try explaining trio rights to anybody outside the Netherlands!

 

It's not perfect, but no family is without a bit of dysfunction. We argue, and there's sometimes a bit of jealousy. The sex is occasionally humerous, because none of us are kids any more. But the advantages? Oh gods. It's *so* worth it. And I cannot even begin to describe the advantages of an extra parent! An extra set of hands and eyes when our son was an infant, and for those 2 AM feedings? Now that he's started school, an extra person just to attend PTA meetings is a blessing.

 

I know monogamy is the gold standard folks, and I'm not going to try to change anybody's mind on that. But my family is a shining example that poly *works* and that it can work for anybody who wants it. If you can love two or three or five kids, then there's no reason why your heart can't be big enough to love as many men or women - whoever happens to warm your cockles.

 

If you're interested - really interested - in learning more, try reading Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy's fabulous book, "The Ethical Slut." You won't be the same at the end of it, I promise you. And you're always welcome at my house for coffee and cake.

 

I do have the most popular house on my block.

[Dee]

I'm not the kind of person who--if I ever wanted to be in a relationship--would want to be "open" with other people in sharing my significant other. I won't get into a relationship if the other person doesn't want to be monogamous, so problem solved. If I can find someone who feels the same way I do about relationships, that would be great, but my idea of being with someone is not having them sleep with or be involved emotionally/romantically with other people. Then again, that's me. If polygamy or an open relationship works for someone else, that's great, too. I'm not one to judge somebody if those types of things work for them.

[hh5]

does it depend if you got a fool around type as a partner??

like JFK, Clinton, Nyte??

 

the hard thing about open is?? competition? More Breakups? Change in Ranking, becoming #2?

 

anyone see the TV series BIG LOVE??

[RobV]

It's tough fighting for gay marriage rights... try explaining trio rights to anybody outside the Netherlands!

 

I can assure you even in my country many people would be weirded out by your relationship.

 

I definitely think it can work, why not? We're all so different. It's impossible to generalize as if monogamy is a gene we all share.

 

Personally, I could never do it. Not really a trust issue, it's more like a feeling, like how my heart is programmed. I want one guy and share everything with him and him alone. If additional people were involved then to me it would feel less intimate, less fulfilling.

[TMcCallahan]

I can assure you even in my country many people would be weirded out by your relationship.

 

 

No doubt they would be. I meant only that the Netherlands is currently the only country where the government legally recognizes marriage between unions of three people. The three of us are fortunate enough to belong to a religion that does not discriminate against our relationship and was willing to perform a ceremony for us, even if, like many commitment ceremonies, it isn't legally binding.

 

Your comment was very interesting to me, Rob. You said it was how your heart was "programmed" - wanting one guy. You're right in more ways than you know. We're conditioned and programmed by our governments, our media, and our cultures to believe that monogamy is the right and acceptable way, just as for years we've been programmed to believe that heterosexuality is the right choice as well.

 

Accept nothing at face value; question everything. That's my motto.

 

But I'm a total kook.

[jkeele777]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could not agree more! I have been part of a triad (which ended badly, but not because there were 3 of us), and am currently in a semi-open relationship. Basically, we (my partner and I) are free to have other sex partners, as long as we agree on the person, and ars both present. In other words, it is not cheating if you share!

No doubt they would be. I meant only that the Netherlands is currently the only country where the government legally recognizes marriage between unions of three people. The three of us are fortunate enough to belong to a religion that does not discriminate against our relationship and was willing to perform a ceremony for us, even if, like many commitment ceremonies, it isn't legally binding.

 

Your comment was very interesting to me, Rob. You said it was how your heart was "programmed" - wanting one guy. You're right in more ways than you know. We're conditioned and programmed by our governments, our media, and our cultures to believe that monogamy is the right and acceptable way, just as for years we've been programmed to believe that heterosexuality is the right choice as well.

 

Accept nothing at face value; question everything. That's my motto.

 

But I'm a total kook.

[Yettie One]

Each to their own.

 

I think that there is an element of adventure in some relationships that would allow exploration and potentially thrive on an open agreement to engage with other folk.

 

I also think that there is a whole lot of merit in trust and faithfulness and monogamy.

 

For whatever reasons you choose your own kind of relationship status, I don't think there is a right or a wrong way. Whatever works for you.

 

Personally though. Open relationship, or more than one partner.

Not something I could do.

I do have a jealous streak in me somewhere.

[harcallard]

I have to agree with Yettie One on this one...I am too jealous and if you stop and think about it, if you need someone else to spice up  or add and element of adventure to your sex life, then there is something wrong with it in the first place. I have never understood why people are so afraid of monogamy.....

[Thorn Wilde]

I believe that polyamoury/polygamy can work for some people, but not for me. I'm far too jealous. I could maybe do an open relationship, but I'm not good at sharing.

[Sasha Distan]

I know three guys in a very happy stable polyamorous relationship.

As a Pack person, i am open to the idea, but I'm also really territorial, and while i reckon i could maintain more than one relationship, i couldn't deal with anyone else having my man. i am really territorial.

So it's not fair to expect different things of each of us, so no, no extra friends for us.