Would You Ever Marry for Comfort?

[Ashi]

Weird question isn't it? I know for straight couples, marry for material comfort has existed for millenia probably, but would this supposedly degradation to the sanctity of marriage eventually spread to homosexual marriage once it is widely accepted and no longer requires both consenting adults to fight so hard to get it?

 

The reason I am asking this question... (*sighs*), okay not the most difficult thing to guess, I was considering it earlier today. Not necessarily for material comfort, but for mutual comfort, maybe just for companionship, the kind that has no sexual attraction. Obviously, the other person is not just any friend, but someone significant enough to tell everyone he's my partner, and someone okay to share the rest of the life with (obviously someone I could trust enough). I am the kind who is very brainwashed by romantic novels that marriage must be out of love. I must say I surprise myself for even considering it (or maybe I am really getting old). I just want to know if it's wrong to marry someone in this manner, where you have to say you love someone (so his feeling isn't hurt) but you don't mean it... in a romantic way.

 

So I would like to hear some answers. Probably not an easy question to answer honestly, as we all have some sort of romantic ideal that we would rather believe that's unshakable....

[Cyhort]

Hell. No.

 

Even if I didn't believe in true love and almost every romantic cliche that you're not supposed to admit you believe in anymore, I'm a solitary person. I like being alone and not having to worry about anything but what I want do do and what I have to do. There's no way I could invite someone into my life and turn both those I's into we's if I wasn't totally in love with them. IMO if you aren't in love with someone you shouldn't even think of marrying them. Don't settle. You won't be happy and what's the point of doing something you don't have to if it's not gonna make you happy?

[Daddydavek]

People marry for many reasons, including gays. Being comfortable and able to relax with your mate is an important part of the relationship.

 

It seems you have this idealized concept of romantic love and I guess my first question is whether you ever thought you were romantically head over heels in love. But I suspect not. You also say you are not sexually attracted to your good friend. You didn't say whether he was attracted to you.

 

I can tell you that most people who tell you that they are madly in love with their mates, will also tell you that their mates sometimes drive them insane. Relationships, even romantic ones, are never really perfect. Working toward making them perfect is part of life's journey or pilgrimage.

 

Your profile says you are in your middle thirties and your post indicates you are starting to feel it is time to settle down. My final question is can you commit to someone else?

[Ashi]

Don't settle. You won't be happy and what's the point of doing something you don't have to if it's not gonna make you happy?

 

That's how I had always been feeling until lately when things begin to feel clear as mud. I have seen some straight marriage that's the result of compromise, and they rarely end happily (I rarely intervene unless the sky is about one second from collapsing, but against my better judgement I did in this case before she made the obvious mistake. When she decided to divorce, after the cost has been substantial, with kids and everything, this time I shut up completely).

 

Then there is my life. I had a chance to put myself out but I didn't..., because I thought I had dignity and some chips in hand. But I guess now when I am older, and still alone, I realized in reality, I have nothing (and probably never had to begin with).

 

People marry for many reasons, including gays. Being comfortable and able to relax with your mate is an important part of the relationship.

 

It seems you have this idealized concept of romantic love and I guess my first question is whether you ever thought you were romantically head over heels in love. But I suspect not. You also say you are not sexually attracted to your good friend. You didn't say whether he was attracted to you.

 

I can tell you that most people who tell you that they are madly in love with their mates, will also tell you that their mates sometimes drive them insane. Relationships, even romantic ones, are never really perfect. Working toward making them perfect is part of life's journey or pilgrimage.

 

Your profile says you are in your middle thirties and your post indicates you are starting to feel it is time to settle down. My final question is can you commit to someone else?

 

I think my romantic life is messed up. I know everything you're trying to say, except I don't believe in changing the other person to become "perfect." I accept everyone has some fault. The guy made me realized that was the one who messed up my feeling the most. I think I abandoned quite a bit of my principals to slowly accept him (it was not a love on first sight, not from me anyways). Then something happened that made us apart, but I couldn't forget (I was really happy when I was with him, and I think that's how he could also make me feel so devastating). That's the guy I love the most. Since it looks like we could never be together, so I am okay to settle for someone I don't really love that much, so I don't get hurt again, I guess.... Sometimes I have trouble understand myself. Maybe I am not being objective about myself. That's why I need advice, right?

 

Yes, I can commit to someone. I am the settle down type ever since I was a kid. I like the feel there is a home to come back to, and someone who appreciates the foods I make. That's all I care for. Maybe that's my problem.

[VictoryPanda]

Let me get this right: You love someone else totally, but since you can never be with him, you're willing to settle for less.

 

If that's what you're saying, I can completely understand where you're coming from. The problem probably isn't that you love someone more, you just have a deeper connection with another person. It's almost like choosing who you love more between your mother and your sister. You love them both for different reasons and they both make you feel good, but you don't actually love one more than the other. That's how my current relation and probably every relationship I ever have will be compared to my ex. I love that boy with all my heart... but it's because of what we went through and how much he helped me versus me and my current boyfriend being really good friends who do things together and support one another.

[NaperVic]

I just want to know if it's wrong to marry someone in this manner, where you have to say you love someone (so his feeling isn't hurt) but you don't mean it... in a romantic way.

 

I think your friend deserves better. You shouldn't say you love him when you don't really mean it.

 

If you both go into it with your eyes wide open, him knowing where you're coming from & visa versa, then it would probably be okay.

 

But from what I've read, it sounds like you're only taking your needs into account.

[JamesSavik]

No.

 

Even if gay marriage were legal, I'm not interested.

 

I'm not interested in the fat old bald farts that are interested in me nor am I fool enough to chase guys half my age.

 

I may be gay and the idea of sex is appealing but the interested parties ARE NOT.

[Y_B]

Nothing wrong with that.

 

Marriage is an institution and it can be from a lot of reasons. We tend to romantize it and think it's only acceptable to marry out of love but if you separate love and marriage, then love is love and marriage is marriage. Sure, ideally the two would go together and the two parties can live the modern day version of "the happy life", but if you can love without being married, why can't you marry without being in love? Think of it like going into business with someone, as long as both parties agree and thinks it's a good idea, then why not? Like a couple have mentioned above though, both people have got to be ok with it. If you're settling for a friend, make sure he knows that's what you're doing, which is crappy and of course there's probably no way you can do so, but at least try to let him know that you probably aren't as interested in him as he is to you.

 

I have no problem marrying out of comfort, convenience, whatever you want to call it, and someday I just may do that. I have zero luck in love plus the idea of marriage sounds tedious and too much of a conformity anyways. The idea of me getting hitched with some girl who's gonna give me kids and a nice family is far from being out of the picture. Anyways, There are advantages and disadvantages to every situation, and if you weigh your options and see a good choice, go for it, don't think about what trend society is in or compare it to a "picture perfect life" that way too many people chase their entire lives only to find that it didn't exist for them and they missed out on great opportunities because of it.

[Celethiel]

put it this way... there has never been a prince charming or perfect relationship.... In the middle ages people married for political gain...especially in the upper class, and probably in the lower class too, families arrainged the marriages, and did so without the childrens conscent years before they were married...

 

However I'd say take a look at the book Out of Africa ... The main character didn't marry the man she loved but his brother because they were friends....

 

However don't fool the person into thinking you love them... there is a saying though: you can learn to love them... which is true actually.

And why can't you be with the person you love....?

of course you could always go with the John Wayne Rio Lobo Answer: Why are you sleeping with me?

Because your confortable... O.o

[Zombie]

There are all kinds of love. The reality for most people, probably, is not the "total" falling in love forever thing that's the basis of all those romantic novels and movies. It's the ideal and most people want to find it. But maybe some are forever putting off settling down because they've set their expectations so high that no one person they meet ever ticks all the boxes.

 

There's nothing wrong with sharing your life with someone for, as you say, "mutual comfort". But the key word is "mutual" - a shared understanding of the nature of the relationship. It would go badly wrong if expectations were different e.g. the heartache of unrequited love. But why shouldn't two people love each other enough to want to share their lives, but not their beds? Much better to share a life than living a life alone. But that's just my view. Some prefer being single. And that's fine too.

[Ashi]

Let me get this right: You love someone else totally, but since you can never be with him, you're willing to settle for less.

 

Yes, you're right on your guess. The others just don't quite understand.

 

I am just on Plan B, because the right guy is gone forever. No matter who I meet now, that guy will always be second best at best. How's that fair? No, it's not fair to anybody. Doesn't mean I will not try to love the guy or give him some comfort for the comfort he gives me. I certainly hope whoever that unlucky guy is would enjoy home cooking, because that's something I could do. We could entertain each other, but that's not love.

 

I think your friend deserves better. You shouldn't say you love him when you don't really mean it.

 

If you both go into it with your eyes wide open, him knowing where you're coming from & visa versa, then it would probably be okay.

 

But from what I've read, it sounds like you're only taking your needs into account.

 

I hope I didn't sound too self-aborbed. I certainly sounded like that. Telling someone you love him though you don't really maybe is just another kind of caring.... I am pretty sure whoever that unlucky guy is would eventually figure out I don't love him. I am usually attracted to smart guys. If he is really smart, and I hope he is, I think we both would just leave the matter unspoken and enjoy the rest of our lives together. We could certainly be content together, but that's not love.

 

I may be gay and the idea of sex is appealing but the interested parties ARE NOT.

 

You never make sense to me. You remind me of a friend I had, but when he picked on me, it was funnier.

 

Nothing wrong with that.

 

Marriage is an institution and it can be from a lot of reasons. We tend to romantize it and think it's only acceptable to marry out of love but if you separate love and marriage, then love is love and marriage is marriage.

 

I hope you'll meet someone you truly love. Then let me know if you really believe in what you just said afterward.

 

However I'd say take a look at the book Out of Africa ... The main character didn't marry the man she loved but his brother because they were friends....

 

of course you could always go with the John Wayne Rio Lobo Answer: Why are you sleeping with me?

Because your confortable... O.o

 

I'll keep that book in mind. One reason this topic popped into my brain was actually because I was reading into the mind of Sue Bridehead from Jude the Obscure. She was really making a fool out of herself marrying someone she didn't love, then changed her mind and lived together with her cousin Jude (her true love, by the way...), then hurt him also, then almost like a punishment to herself, she returned to her legal husband..., which of course, hurt Jude deeper than she could imagine. I didn't want to write this because I felt it was too academic, to compare my own life with a fiction....

 

But your last quote is funny. BTW, when I said comfort, I didn't mean sex....

 

There are all kinds of love. The reality for most people, probably, is not the "total" falling in love forever thing that's the basis of all those romantic novels and movies. It's the ideal and most people want to find it. But maybe some are forever putting off settling down because they've set their expectations so high that no one person they meet ever ticks all the boxes.

 

There's nothing wrong with sharing your life with someone for, as you say, "mutual comfort". But the key word is "mutual" - a shared understanding of the nature of the relationship. It would go badly wrong if expectations were different e.g. the heartache of unrequited love. But why shouldn't two people love each other enough to want to share their lives, but not their beds? Much better to share a life than living a life alone. But that's just my view. Some prefer being single. And that's fine too.

 

I don't mind some people aren't built for marriage (*looking at Jamessavik's general direction*). But I don't want to be alone. I think it's more like I want to be purposeful. I want to be that someone's reason to return home to. I think I am sounding more self-absorbed by the minute.... Anyways....

 

What would you do if you met the guy you believe it's "the one", but you missed your chance, and then you put your dignity before love? Maybe having some self-respect is important, but I don't feel I am happier.

 

What is love (according to me):

 

I spent some thought on what is love after I posted my response. I remember the question Eric asked her mom (in Edge of Seventeen) something like how do you know you're in love, and I think his mom said something like, "When you think about somebody so much, it hurts." Well, today when I was driving, I thought, "When you're with someone you love, you look forward to live another day." That's how the guy I loved and hurt me so much made me feel. Everyday was absolutely a wonderful day.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Ashi